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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I’ve ruined my son’s life/relationship with me?

213 replies

Annoy · 23/12/2020 15:02

My son is 11. When he was 6 I smacked him. Yes I’m awful, yes I regretted it as soon as I did it and yes I showered him with love and apologised to him. I was stressed, alone and overwhelmed (no excuse I know)

Since then (and before then) I have never laid a finger on him and although I do tell him off if need be I have rarely shouted at him.

Well yesterday he told me that he remembered when I smacked him as we drove past the area where it happened (near our village, we were in the car). I asked him how he felt at the time and he said scared and sad! He’s never mentioned it before and now I realise that I’ve scarred the boy for life!!

He’s taller than me now, and stronger and it makes me shudder at the thought of him being half my size and scared of me!

OP posts:
ChristmasinJune · 23/12/2020 18:05

You haven't scarred him for life, he remembers it because it was a one off and it scared him. He probably also remembers loads of great things about you too. My ds talks often about a Halloween haunted house I took him through when he was four. It was designed for kids his age but he was terrified. Unfortunately there was no way out apart from going all the way round so I had to carry him through screaming as quickly as I could. If he's scared now he refers to it as "a feeling like when I was in the haunted house".

Don't be so hard on yourself, I'm sure you're a lovely mum.

Purplecatshopaholic · 23/12/2020 18:10

I don’t agree with smacking, and no you shouldn’t have done it, but it was a one-off and won’t have scarred him for life! A bit of guilt tripping on your behalf op, and defo a bit of mellow drama/manipulation/milking it, on his behalf methinks.

Georgyporky · 23/12/2020 18:11

Until relatively recently, smacking a naughty child was not frowned upon. I'm not talking about beating, but a hand slap on the legs or bottom was an effective punishment.

Countless generations of children have been slapped for misbehaviour or rudeness, without any lasting ill-effects.

I was shopping with DM (when I was about 40), & a child had a screaming tantrum. DM said "You did that once in a shop. A quick slap soon stopped you."

ivfbeenbusy · 23/12/2020 18:16

I remember being smacked and I also remember deserving it. I don't love my parents any less. It hasn't scarred me for life - it actually probably made me a better person since I learnt that actions had consequences (unlike a lot of kids today!)

CatNoBag · 23/12/2020 18:18

My Mum smacked me on more than one occasion (I'm in my forties) and presumable my siblings too - it hasn't caused me or them any lasting damage and I would take a bullet for her if called for (unlikely).

Bitbusyattheminute · 23/12/2020 18:20

I got smacked as a little kid for tantrumming. Apparently I didn't do it again. Didn't scar me.
Got called a bitch as a teenager, by my mum who never, ever swore. I was more upset by whatever it was that made me behave like that in the first place. As a woman not far off the age my mother was then, I suspect she was probably menopausal and that I had really, really pushed my luck.

Elisi · 23/12/2020 18:22

Mine too. It's something he remembers, the only time I ever hit him, it was at the Natural History Museum and I don't know who was more shocked at the time, him or me, I've never forgiven myself and his sister has never forgotten it or forgiven me either. He was a wonderful child and he's grown up at 28 to be an amazing son, husband and father but it still floats around, you just don't forget it.

Elisi · 23/12/2020 18:27

And if you got cross one day and your OH slapped you, that would be domestic abuse. How is different from an adult slapping a child a quarter of their size?

Mumski45 · 23/12/2020 18:30

I remember being smacked once by my Dad. I also remember when where and why and there was no good reason for it. However I still love my Dad and am not scarred for life 40+ years later.
Certain things just stick in your mind. I wouldn't be overly worried about it OP.

Tiletiletile1 · 23/12/2020 18:31

I don’t think you’re being melodramatic! PPs who said that aren’t being very empathetic.

I was hit once as a child - hard - and I remember it vividly. I think that if my mother had sat me down at any point later in my life and explained why (she was very stressed - I think had MH problems) then I would have appreciated that.

As it stands, I do remember it and the feeling vividly, but it hasn’t ruined my life. But an explanation and an apology would have made my mother and I closer.

randomer · 23/12/2020 18:37

No kid has that kind of memory. You must be seriously bored.

Worriedandabitscared · 23/12/2020 18:38

I remember my mum and dad hitting me, well smacking me - I remember two occasions very vividly, I don't hate them and my life isn't ruined ... I'm sure he's fine.

Original poster
Annoy · 23/12/2020 18:42

@1950s1

Your behaviour traumatised him. You were in a position of power and you physically abused him. You're sorry, but what you did was unacceptable, no matter how stressed you were. You can't justify hitting a child.
What should I do then?
OP posts:
Original poster
Annoy · 23/12/2020 18:44

@Cheeseandwin5

Hey OP, Are the rights still available for this post as the Hallmark Channel are interested
I don’t get it? I know what a hallmark movie is but unsure how it relates to my post
OP posts:
Original poster
Annoy · 23/12/2020 18:49

[quote 1950s1]@clevercatty

she cant justify it shes trying to justify it obviously but she cant she has traumatised her child it's good that she knows better now but it doesnt change the past[/quote]
Maybe have a look at ACEs, see what childhood trauma is

OP posts:
1950s1 · 23/12/2020 18:53

@Annoy you can't change what you did. And I know what trauma is he is clearly traumatised

Original poster
Annoy · 23/12/2020 18:53

[quote 1950s1]@CleveryCatty

hitting is awful it is abusive and against human rights. If this was a husband-wife situation, I think comments would be saying LTB.[/quote]
Should I leave my family?

I’m struggling to understand where you’re going with your posts.

OP posts:
Original poster
Annoy · 23/12/2020 18:54

[quote 1950s1]**@Annoy* you can't change what you did. And I know what trauma is he is clearly* traumatised[/quote]
So I can never make it right with him? So I am right in my original post to be dramatic?

OP posts:
Original poster
Annoy · 23/12/2020 19:00

@1950s1

I think I'm very much in the correct mindset for refusing to at all condone hitting a child. It being once is still wrong.
Nobody’s disagreeing with you 🙄
OP posts:
Angrymum22 · 23/12/2020 19:02

I don’t remember being smacked but I do remember my mum sitting down calmly and explaining why she had done it and the lovely warm hug that came with it. Lesson learned and love reaffirmed.

Nillynally · 23/12/2020 19:02

To say you think you've ruined his life is extremely melodramatic. Some children are routinely abused emotionally, sexually and physically. I find this quite offensive.

Alleycat1 · 23/12/2020 19:02

Good grief! I grew up in a time when it was normal to smack naughty children. We weren't scarred for life or traumatised because we understood that naughty behaviour had consequences. Obviously different if children were severely beaten which was abuse rather than chastisement. Your son probably only remembers it because it was a one off.

happystone · 23/12/2020 19:04

I smacked my son he remebers it and said he deserved it.

randomer · 23/12/2020 19:05

if this is real, get a grip and move on. Donate to an appropriate charity.

happystone · 23/12/2020 19:05

My dad would smack me with an old shoe. The shoe was called Clive.😀

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