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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I’ve ruined my son’s life/relationship with me?

213 replies

Annoy · 23/12/2020 15:02

My son is 11. When he was 6 I smacked him. Yes I’m awful, yes I regretted it as soon as I did it and yes I showered him with love and apologised to him. I was stressed, alone and overwhelmed (no excuse I know)

Since then (and before then) I have never laid a finger on him and although I do tell him off if need be I have rarely shouted at him.

Well yesterday he told me that he remembered when I smacked him as we drove past the area where it happened (near our village, we were in the car). I asked him how he felt at the time and he said scared and sad! He’s never mentioned it before and now I realise that I’ve scarred the boy for life!!

He’s taller than me now, and stronger and it makes me shudder at the thought of him being half my size and scared of me!

OP posts:
ClaireP20 · 23/12/2020 15:40

@Annoy

Because he brought it up after years. It’s obviously had an effect on him
I remember very clearly when my mum smacked me round the head, I was maybe 9, but I remember it because it was such a rare occurrence. I have a wonderful relationship with my mum and love her to death. She had me at 47, and I was a much loved and wanted child, and had a great upbringing. I just wanted to let you know that just because I remember it, doesn't mean it conjures up lots of negative feelings...it certainly hasn't ruined my life! And I have no ill feeling towards my mum about it. She just 'lost her shit' as they say..Xx
speakout · 23/12/2020 15:41

I remember all sorts of stuff like this.

On holiday is Greece we were waiting for a taxi to get us back to the hotel.
We were hot and tired and as the taxi arrived my daughter was half way though her ice cream cone.
The driver wouldn't let us on with the cone ( understandably) so I made her dump it in the bin.
She still reminds me of the incident 15 years later!

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 23/12/2020 15:42

I remember getting smack as a child. Dont remember feeling scared, just pissed off and it certainly stopped me doing the things I got a smack for.
Bit dramatic all round really.

mbosnz · 23/12/2020 15:42

I smacked my children too. I wish now I hadn't, it was lost temper, not discipline. I've apologised to my kids for having done so, acknowledging this and that I should have dealt with the situation better. They appreciated the apology and acknowledgement.

ClaireP20 · 23/12/2020 15:43

@FestiveStuffing

My parents used smacking as their only method of behaviour management. I don't remember individual episodes of smacking but do remember when DM binned a toy I hadn't put away fast enough and that it was far more upsetting. I have brought it up as an adult.
Are that's actually really sad x
ItsJustAFridge · 23/12/2020 15:44

I'm 41 and can remember the couple of time my Mum smacked me.

I can also remember all the shit thing my father did.

I'm mega mega close to my Mam and her giving me a smack a couple of time when I was small does not cancel out tall the affection and love and how close I am. Ive never been scared of her because it happened twice and one of those times was an occasion where I did something that put my life at risk.

My Dad is dead now but I had a shit relationship with him because the shitty behaviour was him in his natural state. That was his normal.. it wasn't my mother's.

theemmadilemma · 23/12/2020 15:46

I still remember being 6 and my Mum walloping me. I still remember why as well. And I knew I'd done something very wrong and never did it again.

It did not in any way, shape or form scar me, make me 'scared' of my Mum or any such thing. It did make me realise there were consequences of my actions.

Newdonewhugh · 23/12/2020 15:47

This happened to me and my son too. I smacked him once which he remembers but it’s a stock family joke now.

“It’s not what happens to you in life, it’s how you deal with it”

TheYearOfSmallThings · 23/12/2020 15:47

I remember my mum slapping me, which came as a shock because she never did otherwise.

I was being a little shit, deliberately, and I made a mental note that anyone can be pushed too far.

I don't bring it up because she's probably hoping I've forgotten. I'm certainly not scarred for life, and I encourage you not to let this turn into a big deal.

theemmadilemma · 23/12/2020 15:48

We remember these things because they were so out of the norm.

partyatthepalace · 23/12/2020 15:48

He remembers because it was unusual.

Have you been at the gin?! - that is an enormous overreaction.

All parents and kids have their stressy moments. I don't agree with smacking either but many of us have occasionally done it.

Chill out. If you haven't been at the gin maybe have one.

Original poster
Annoy · 23/12/2020 15:49

@jillypill

I remember when my parents did not let me go to a disco as punishment, I am still gutted! would have much preferred a smack.
🤣 (sorry)
OP posts:
Mustbe3ormorecharacters · 23/12/2020 15:50

I remember my mum losing it and being completely unreasonable, she was completely in the wrong I was young and scared.
See her most days and love her.

PurpleFlower1983 · 23/12/2020 15:52

My dad smacked me once, I have never forgotten it. He is the most mild mannered person normally so I must have done something bad, I don’t remember what it was though, just the punishment. I hope to never smack my daughter as I think it’s terrible.

noirchatsdeux · 23/12/2020 15:53

I remember getting smacked hard on the bottom by my uncle when I was about 7 - I'd run out into traffic on a very busy road, he got the fright of his life. I've always felt sorry for scaring him so badly and even at the time understood why he did it. He didn't apologise and I never expected him to.

I seriously doubt your son will be scarred for life. I certainly wouldn't let him use it as something to emotionally blackmail you about, either...

Original poster
Annoy · 23/12/2020 15:53

@speakout

I remember all sorts of stuff like this.

On holiday is Greece we were waiting for a taxi to get us back to the hotel.
We were hot and tired and as the taxi arrived my daughter was half way though her ice cream cone.
The driver wouldn't let us on with the cone ( understandably) so I made her dump it in the bin.
She still reminds me of the incident 15 years later!

Oh shit 🙈
OP posts:
dottiedaisee · 23/12/2020 15:53

I smacked my daughter once when she was about 6 instantly regretted it . She can still remember and we laugh about it ...you really need to chill out. Am sure most children have memories of bad parenting but just do not dwell on it ! Be kind to yourself 💐

CustardySergeant · 23/12/2020 15:53

I don't remember either of my parents smacking me, but I was an exceptionally obedient child. For example, when I was in my early teens if I was at home on my own I wouldn't dare have a biscuit (or anything else) if I was hungry, because my mother wasn't there for me to ask her permission. But as well as not being smacked because I was never disobedient or loud, I never got any affection from my parents either and knew I wasn't loved at all by either of them (I was 'a mistake'). I left home at 16 to live alone 60 miles away.
Your son knows he is loved, OP. That is very important. No parents are perfect and if they were then children wouldn't be able to cope with life and the fact that bad and unfair things happen. You apologised and showered him with love. You are a good-enough mother, which is a valuable thing to be. (Google that term "good-enough mother/parent" if you're unfamiliar with it btw. Smile

CareForNowt · 23/12/2020 15:54

I think you're being a bit OTT OP.

My mum smacked me, not hard mind, when I was younger. She's my best friend. It has not ruined my life or scarred me.

In fact we actually have laughed before at me running round her in a circle so she couldn't get my bum to give it a tap!! 😂

I highly doubt you have damaged him emotionally forever from one smack.

NotPrude · 23/12/2020 15:54

You're genuinely overthinking it. I'm not at all justifying smacking children, but I'm sure many of us were smacked when we were younger because it was more acceptable then.

My brother and I tease my mum about it if it ever comes up now. We remember it, of course, but neither of us are scarred or traumatised and we both love and adore my mum.

Don't worry about it

Original poster
Annoy · 23/12/2020 15:54

@mbosnz

I smacked my children too. I wish now I hadn't, it was lost temper, not discipline. I've apologised to my kids for having done so, acknowledging this and that I should have dealt with the situation better. They appreciated the apology and acknowledgement.
Yeah, I have apologised... I think he’s milking it 🙄
OP posts:
AmaryllisNightAndDay · 23/12/2020 15:55

He remembered it. Because it was very unusual and probably quite shocking to him. What makes you think his life is ruined? Or his relationship with you - he felt close enough to you to tell you about it.

It was a fuckup but all parents are allowed an occasional fuckup. I got a few smacks as a kid before my Mum decided it was a bad idea and stopped. It was poor parenting but hardly the end of the world.

And yes your son might embarrass you with it for the rest of your life, but then again did he never do anything you can embarrass him with n return?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/12/2020 15:56

I'm agreeing with the PPs that the reason he remembers it so well is simply because it never happened again - it was a one-off, so it stands out in his memory.

Doesn't mean he's "scarred for life" Hmm

Original poster
Annoy · 23/12/2020 15:57

@TheYearOfSmallThings

I remember my mum slapping me, which came as a shock because she never did otherwise.

I was being a little shit, deliberately, and I made a mental note that anyone can be pushed too far.

I don't bring it up because she's probably hoping I've forgotten. I'm certainly not scarred for life, and I encourage you not to let this turn into a big deal.

I had thought (hoped) that my son had forgotten, so was a bit taken aback when he mentioned it out of the blue
OP posts:
Original poster
Annoy · 23/12/2020 15:58

@theemmadilemma

We remember these things because they were so out of the norm.
Yes, I guess so!

I was expected to be roasted on here for smacking my child.... Thank you all of you 💜

OP posts:
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