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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I’ve ruined my son’s life/relationship with me?

213 replies

Annoy · 23/12/2020 15:02

My son is 11. When he was 6 I smacked him. Yes I’m awful, yes I regretted it as soon as I did it and yes I showered him with love and apologised to him. I was stressed, alone and overwhelmed (no excuse I know)

Since then (and before then) I have never laid a finger on him and although I do tell him off if need be I have rarely shouted at him.

Well yesterday he told me that he remembered when I smacked him as we drove past the area where it happened (near our village, we were in the car). I asked him how he felt at the time and he said scared and sad! He’s never mentioned it before and now I realise that I’ve scarred the boy for life!!

He’s taller than me now, and stronger and it makes me shudder at the thought of him being half my size and scared of me!

OP posts:
CoronaIsWatching · 23/12/2020 16:46

I was beaten black and blue by my parents when I was a child. My dads response when I grew up to having anxiety, no self esteem, quiet secretive nature was that he should have hit me more

1950s1 · 23/12/2020 16:47

This reply has been deleted

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gottakeeponmovin · 23/12/2020 16:47

Unless you have any other reason to be concerned about your relationship you are definitely being melodramatic

CleverCatty · 23/12/2020 16:48

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Message deleted by MNHQ. Quotes deleted post

thedancingbear · 23/12/2020 16:48

I don't think the OP is the devil incarnate.

However I do think hitting children is very, very wrong. It's not really any different to a man knocking a woman around as a form of 'punishment'. TBH I do find all these 'aww hun, don't beat yourself up, my dad brayed me and I'm fine' posts hypocritical and a bit sickening.

Clearly it's not ruined the OP's son's life, or their relationship. But it also blatantly affected him, if he's able to recall vivid details many years later.

DV is wrong. Always, always.

BrumBoo · 23/12/2020 16:50

[quote 1950s1]@Brumboo

I think if someone smacked you right now, you'd have something to say about it.[/quote]
You seem to be ignoring the fact that I and others have said that we do not condone smacking. I'm pretty sure I had 'something to say' about it as a child as well. Not more than once with my mother, but that's why she didn't have her daughter there when she became ill and subsequently passed away. Abuse has consequences, but one smack (not beating) as a child is not the equivalent of a traumatic childhood.

However, you have your own issues @1950s1. I think therapy is the place for you, not Mumsnet.

1950s1 · 23/12/2020 16:50

@CleverCatty

Elaborate.

jessstan1 · 23/12/2020 16:50

The fact that he remembers it so vividly shows how rare an occurrence it was! In your case, a one off. He also knows how sorry you are that it happened and are honest about it, which is more important.

Forgive yourself and move on. Your son is loved.

tempnamechange98765 · 23/12/2020 16:50

Aw OP. YANBU because I feel this way about when my DS was 3 and I was in a bad place with PND and stressed, I didn't smack him but I screamed at him really awfully. I worry he'll remember!

But you haven't scarred him. He remembers because it was a one off. I remember my own DM smacking me and also threatening to smack me, I remember because it only happened once or twice. It hasn't spoiled anything and now that I'm a parent myself I totally understand where she was coming from!

BrumBoo · 23/12/2020 16:51

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CleverCatty · 23/12/2020 16:51

@speakout

I'm nearly 40 and would still struggle to bring up the smacking incidents, I remember vividly, with my mother. The fact your son feels safe enough to mention it is a huge, positive, reflection on your relationship with him.

I agree- my mother was a smacker, daily, hard.
She denies it all now though- very convenient!

Just out of interest I wonder why the smackers - stepdad mostly - deny it now?!

Is it a combination of guilt and also the fact that most parents simply don't do it now.

NDNs who I get on well with (3 DC) have said they've struggled occasionally with just naughty step etc.

thedancingbear · 23/12/2020 16:52

Aw OP. YANBU because I feel this way about when my DS was 3 and I was in a bad place with PND and stressed, I didn't smack him but I screamed at him really awfully. I worry he'll remember!

I agree, it's fine to abuse your kids if you're stressed. We all do it, hey!

But you haven't scarred him. He remembers because it was a one off.

How do you, or any of the other posters saying the same thing, know this?

MintyCedric · 23/12/2020 16:52

He has remembered the incident because it was a one off.

Totally agree with this.

Child of the seventies...can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times my parents smacked me but remember them precisely because it was such a rare occurrence.

Really hasn't scarred me for life or affected my relationship with them.

1950s1 · 23/12/2020 16:53

I think I'm very much in the correct mindset for refusing to at all condone hitting a child. It being once is still wrong.

CleverCatty · 23/12/2020 16:53

[quote 1950s1]@CleverCatty

Elaborate.[/quote]
erm.... nope I don't have to.

Brumboo (can't quote their posts) seems to agree with me.

A few other posters here don't seem to think it's the crime of the century that you do.

Again, therapy is the best thing you need. Good luck.

MNHQ
MichaelMumsnet · 23/12/2020 16:53

Hi all. We've deleted a few personal attacks on this thread - could we have some peace and love from now on please.

G0ldenLeaves · 23/12/2020 16:54

I remember being 7 years old and very very shy. My mum enrolled me in a drama club that I didn't want to be in, half way through the term AND we arrived late to my first session. I was so embarrassed having to walk in with everyone already there and staring at me. I got seated at the back ajd handed a sheet of paper with some lyrics on and told to join in with the singing. I froze as this was the embodiment of everything I hated. At the break I ran over to my mum and told her I didn't want to do it and wanted to go home. This made her really cross and she dragged me out of there and into the car. Halfway home she realised she had left her umbrella behind at the venue and she snapped and smacked me across the face. We never spoke about the incident again. I was scared and upset at the time. She never hit me again. As an adult I don't condone what she did but have the understanding that she was a severely stressed single mum who lashed out in a moment of anger and most likely regretted it and felt ashamed. I still remember the incident to this day as it was a shocking and unpleasant moment that happened one time so sticks out in my memory. It's not scarred our relationship for life. We still see each other regularly and I have forgiven her. I think you are working yourself up as you feel bad about it.

1950s1 · 23/12/2020 16:56

@CleverCatty

You don't have to, but I don't see your point on me needing therapy, when I'm clearly in the right mindset in thinking that no one can justify hitting a child. They're sorry now, but that doesn't make what they did ok, even though it only happened once.

tempnamechange98765 · 23/12/2020 16:58

Oh do one @thedancingbear. Have you ever suffered with PND? It's crippling. You should be ashamed of guilting people online as you never know what kind of place the recipient is in mentally. We are ALL human. A one off smack - or screaming at a child as a one off - is not abuse.

Kittromney · 23/12/2020 16:59

I remember being smacked by my parents. Usually for getting sums or spellings wrong, or when I was older, making eye contact with or breathing the same air as boys (including complete strangers).

I also remember my mum once completely snapping and holding a knife to my throat and threatening to cut me open if I didn't get out of bed that minute. When I remind her about that one she scoffs and tells me to get over it, it was one small incident, how come I never remember the good stuff...

We still have a relationship. I dare say she even thinks it's a good one.

Kittromney · 23/12/2020 17:01

@CoronaIsWatching

I was beaten black and blue by my parents when I was a child. My dads response when I grew up to having anxiety, no self esteem, quiet secretive nature was that he should have hit me more
Haha, yes, same. My mum denies it all now though.
thedancingbear · 23/12/2020 17:03

Oh do one @thedancingbear. Have you ever suffered with PND? It's crippling. You should be ashamed of guilting people online as you never know what kind of place the recipient is in mentally. We are ALL human. A one off smack - or screaming at a child as a one off - is not abuse.

I've suffered from quite severe and sometimes crippling mental health problems all my life. I've never come close to belting any of my family. Can you say the same?

My conscience is completely clear, thanks. The shame of defending DV is all yours.

tempnamechange98765 · 23/12/2020 17:04

Belting????

In what way is shouting/screaming the same as belting?

thedancingbear · 23/12/2020 17:04

A one off smack - or screaming at a child as a one off - is not abuse.

Is a man giving his wife a one-off smack not abuse then?

'It was a one off'
'I was stressed'
'she deserved it'
'she pushed me to my limits'

All sounds a bit familiar doesn't it? In fact, scratch that - the excuses are exactly the fucking same.

1950s1 · 23/12/2020 17:05

@thedancingbear

A one off smack - or screaming at a child as a one off - is not abuse.

Is a man giving his wife a one-off smack not abuse then?

'It was a one off'
'I was stressed'
'she deserved it'
'she pushed me to my limits'

All sounds a bit familiar doesn't it? In fact, scratch that - the excuses are exactly the fucking same.

exactly
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