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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want him to bring the wine home?

299 replies

Ecdysis · 23/12/2020 06:09

I'm not an alcoholic but I do have an unhealthy relationship with wine. I realised in the first lockdown I was becoming dependent and after lots of thinking about it I quit in October. Much prefer not drinking and husband, who doesn't drink very much (the odd whiskey) agrees that not drinking has had a positive effect on my life.

I've asked him not to bring the wine he has been given as gifts from work home, however he has and I've gone back to drinking. He's says as an adult I should be able to have the willpower not to drink, I agree I should but I don't when wine is in the house (I wouldn't go and get some from the shop but when it's sat there I revert back to old habits)

AIBU to expect him to listen to me and leave the wine at work/give it away as he doesn't even drink wine and I don't want it?

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 23/12/2020 06:12

I agree he shouldn’t bring it home, especially if he’s got no plans to drink it. What did you suggest he do with it thoughHmm?

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 23/12/2020 06:15

I would suggest that if you can’t not drink wine that is in your house you are actually an alcoholic. Otherwise you should be able to not drink it.
Once you have acknowledged that you need to tell your husband that you are not drinking and that you cannot cope with alcohol in the house.

StopSquirtingBleachOnCaneToads · 23/12/2020 06:15

If he doesn't drink wine and you've expressly said that you don't want it in the house then I don't understand why he's brought it home?

Original poster
Ecdysis · 23/12/2020 06:17

@Suzi888

I agree he shouldn’t bring it home, especially if he’s got no plans to drink it. What did you suggest he do with it thoughHmm?
Food bank, give to colleagues, presents for his family, anything really, we are not going to be entertaining for months and have nowhere to store it even if I did have willpower.
OP posts:
redfernsydney · 23/12/2020 06:17

Your DH was out of order. If he doesn't drink it and you told him you didn't want it he should have given it away. He agrees that you are better of without drink but he brings it in the house. ..unbelievable!

Bewilderedkitten · 23/12/2020 06:17

It's gifts from his collegues so it would be rude to leave them at work, where they will see he's just left it. But it doesn't mean you have to keep them. Give your neighbours, post man ect a bottle for christmas.

Scarydinosaurs · 23/12/2020 06:19

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. Are things generally good between you? Is it all gone now?

Is it possible he underestimated how difficult you find resistance OR do you think he brought it home as a deliberate sabotage? Because the former is more likely but the latter is a possibility.

Original poster
Ecdysis · 23/12/2020 06:19

@Idontgiveagriffindamn

I would suggest that if you can’t not drink wine that is in your house you are actually an alcoholic. Otherwise you should be able to not drink it. Once you have acknowledged that you need to tell your husband that you are not drinking and that you cannot cope with alcohol in the house.
He knows, I've asked him to not bring it home as I can't leave it. I'm not an alcoholic as beer/spirits etc are in the house and I wouldn't drink them but I acknowledge I have a problem with wine, I also know that I should be able to leave it but I can't so I manage this by not having it at home.
OP posts:
Original poster
Ecdysis · 23/12/2020 06:26

@Scarydinosaurs

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. Are things generally good between you? Is it all gone now?

Is it possible he underestimated how difficult you find resistance OR do you think he brought it home as a deliberate sabotage? Because the former is more likely but the latter is a possibility.

Thanks, yes all gone now providing he doesn't bring anymore home tonight, I'm actually really sad about it as I felt so much better and now I've had hardly any sleep and feel rubbish, which I know is my own doing. I think he does know how weak I am when it comes to drinking, he saw what happened when he brought it home on Friday and yet he still brings it home yesterday.
OP posts:
RedHelenB · 23/12/2020 06:31

Couldn't you just wrap it up on him arriving home with it and give it to a friend or family?

MadCatLady71 · 23/12/2020 06:31

He’s been a bit inconsiderate, but it’s more practical in the long term to tackle your relationship with wine. You are inevitably going to find yourself in situations where wine is available and where other people are drinking, so if you are serious about not drinking you need to set yourself free from the impulse to crack open a bottle. Trust me, you can do it.

Read Allen Carr, The Easy Way for Women to Stop Drinking. Or Jason Vale, Kick the Drink, Easily - or any of the books designed to help you stop drinking by changing your mindset. I know they won’t work for everybody, but they completely changed my mindset and my life.

Orchidflower1 · 23/12/2020 06:33

Poor it down the sink if things are that bad. So sorry your struggling 💐

Original poster
Ecdysis · 23/12/2020 06:34

@RedHelenB

Couldn't you just wrap it up on him arriving home with it and give it to a friend or family?
I know it sounds pathetic (and like pp I do understand he has to take it from work as it would look rude) but I have a problem. If he gave them to me in the morning then I would drop them off somewhere but he comes into the house after work and I just cave.
OP posts:
devildeepbluesea · 23/12/2020 06:35

It's not the most supportive but you can't blame him for the decisions you make.

You need to address your problem with wine.

Original poster
Ecdysis · 23/12/2020 06:39

@MadCatLady71

He’s been a bit inconsiderate, but it’s more practical in the long term to tackle your relationship with wine. You are inevitably going to find yourself in situations where wine is available and where other people are drinking, so if you are serious about not drinking you need to set yourself free from the impulse to crack open a bottle. Trust me, you can do it.

Read Allen Carr, The Easy Way for Women to Stop Drinking. Or Jason Vale, Kick the Drink, Easily - or any of the books designed to help you stop drinking by changing your mindset. I know they won’t work for everybody, but they completely changed my mindset and my life.

Thanks, I've been reading them and really trying to change. I know that there will be issues going forward and I actually want to quit for good, it's not healthy my relationship with wine, but my biggest trigger will always be the evening at home I could just do with some support.
OP posts:
Original poster
Ecdysis · 23/12/2020 06:41

@devildeepbluesea

It's not the most supportive but you can't blame him for the decisions you make.

You need to address your problem with wine.

And that is exactly his thinking, it's my choice to drink it, which it is, I just guess I thought he'd be more supportive when he knows I have a problem. I would understand if he was going to drink it because my problem shouldn't affect him but he's not.
OP posts:
C0NNIE · 23/12/2020 06:44

Have you tried AA for support? Because obviously your partner is not willing to help you .

groovergirl · 23/12/2020 06:46

Holding your hand, OP. I've overdone the wine too, and know how hard it is not to drink it when it's right there at home. (My problem was a quarterly subscription that deposited a crate right on my doorstep. I cancelled it.)
Can I suggest you sit your DH down and emphasise that keeping wine out of the home is the key to your good health? If he goes on about willpower, give him a big headmistressy fingerwag and keep giving it until he stops whingeing and takes notice.
Why is he bringing the wine home, anyway, if he doesn't drink it himself? Tell him to give it away.
Like you, I find wine really messes with my sleep and my mood. We are so much better without it. I'm on the sugar-free ginger ale these days.

MerchantOfVenom · 23/12/2020 06:46

Gosh, I love any (and every) opportunity to have a wine, but to not be able to leave it if it’s in the house is next level.

If you really are that addicted to it, then no you’re not being unreasonable to expect your DH not to bring it home.

But as I say, that really is quite an addiction (I’m deliberately avoiding the other ‘a’ word), and it might be worth getting some support for that. Flowers

Housecar · 23/12/2020 06:47

Yanbu. He doesn’t drink, you’ve told him you have a problem and don’t want the temptation but he still brings it. That’s extremely unsupportive. Does he actually care about you/your health?

PopThatBootyForStNick · 23/12/2020 06:47

Do you know why he brought the wine home? Was he going to gift it to someone else in the coming days but didn't have a chance?
I think you are responsible for your own actions but should speak with you DH again to make him clear that no wine should be left in the house as you will drink it.
I think you should speak with your GP and see if there are any support groups that can aid you with as it is clearly a problem

autumnboys · 23/12/2020 06:52

YANBU and unless he has immediate plans to regift it, I would pour it away.

If willpower over alcohol was a broadly auccessful strategy, we wouldn’t need AA etc. I would agree with the other posters who have suggested you see your GP about this. I had an alcoholic parent and am all too aware that it is a slippery slope, often an inch by inch thing, rather than a sudden chaotic slide. Get some support in place, which will hopefully also help your husband to realise how serious this is. Flowers

SilentScreenQueen · 23/12/2020 06:52
Flowers Your DH should be supporting you. He could have brought it home from work and left it in the boot of the car (without telling you) so he could give it to friends/neighbours rather than bring temptation into the house! I think that is awful of him tbh. So sorry OP. I hope you can get back on track.
PoloNeckKnickers · 23/12/2020 06:57

I really feel for you and don't understand the lack of sympathy from some posters here. If he didn't want to leave the wine at work, he could have left the wine in the car, not told you about it, then disposed of it via gifts, food bank etc. Telling you just to 'have the willpower not to drink' is extremely unhelpful.

MaMaD1990 · 23/12/2020 07:02

He is being unreasonable bringing the wine home for sure. Just tip all of it down the drain and begin again. If he won't drink it he won't mind and if he does mind, well, thats another thread entirely 🥴