To not want him to bring the wine home?

[Ecdysis]

I'm not an alcoholic but I do have an unhealthy relationship with wine. I realised in the first lockdown I was becoming dependent and after lots of thinking about it I quit in October. Much prefer not drinking and husband, who doesn't drink very much (the odd whiskey) agrees that not drinking has had a positive effect on my life.

I've asked him not to bring the wine he has been given as gifts from work home, however he has and I've gone back to drinking. He's says as an adult I should be able to have the willpower not to drink, I agree I should but I don't when wine is in the house (I wouldn't go and get some from the shop but when it's sat there I revert back to old habits)

AIBU to expect him to listen to me and leave the wine at work/give it away as he doesn't even drink wine and I don't want it?

I gave up drinking 8 months ago. My DP understands that having wine in the house would be problematic for me, especially in the early months (I would probably be okay now but still wouldn't want to risk it).

Fortunately he drinks whisky and beer and I have no issue with him drinking that or having that in the house (he has no issues with alcohol and just likes a drink before or after dinner on occasion).

In an ideal world we would have the willpower to ignore it all, but it's difficult in the early months to break that habit, so he should understand that and be more supportive.

I think continually denying you’re an alcoholic and trying to make this your husbands responsibility isn’t doing you any favours.

If you literally can’t have wine in the house without drinking it and can’t control yourself you’re an alcoholic and need to seek help. Posters have suggested bodies to speak to.

Addressing your alcoholism is the way forward, not trying to blame your husband and come up with silly reasons why you can’t be an alcoholic, it’s been three four months now ans you still can’t control yourself.

Good luck but accept this isn’t your husbands fault or problem. You need to accept full responsibility and seek help. 💐

@onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad

OP I completely understand and I have a similar relationship with wine. It's a shame your husband isn't doing anything to help you and just guilt tripping you instead.

I used to get my partner to hide it and not tell me where it was and then just retrieve a bottle when we had friends over or wanted a bottle with dinner. Would he do that?

If not then (if you don't want to pour it down the sink) maybe lock it in a suitcase out of reach on top of a wardrobe, put it in the attic or an outside shed - somewhere where it's just not easily retrievable without effort.

I do the same for chocolate.

I wouldn't say you are an alcoholic, but as you recognise, you have a chronic lack of will power as do I with chocolate

Your dh should be helping you.

I wouldn't say you are an alcoholic, but as you recognise, you have a chronic lack of will power as do I with chocolate

Sounds like you're being deliberately ignorant. Alcoholism isn't binary. Some people have an addiction so extreme they end up living on the streets. Others have an issue which might not even cross the threshold (yet) to be considered alcoholism but is still a major issue. This isn't a lack of will power - they're craving/desire to drink is much larger than yours or mine so requires a great deal more will power to resist. Characterising it as a lack of will power isn't helpful as it implies that if they just pulled themselves together the problem would disappear without any help, This often isn't the case.

Posters have suggested bodies to speak to.

Oh well, that’s sorted then You really don’t know what you’re talking about, @Bluntness100. It’s fine not to comment if you only have a minimal understanding of the issue.

I'll start by acknowledging that you may be an alcoholic and treat it like an addiction. I'm not saying it to be mean but as a way to seek help and support.

For context I'm a recovering alcoholic. Your partner should respect and support you and not bring wine into the home. It is not a big or difficult ask. Christmas can be stressful and it's the worst time to have temptation around you. Who wouldn't want to help their partner who was struggling with something? You'd think so anyway. I wouldn't bring sugary donuts into the house if I had a partner who was struggling with obesity and sugar addiction. That wouldn't be a kind thing to do would it. Many would say that would be grossly insensitive in fact.

I'm not going to get hung up on finding a label for your problematic relationship with alcohol. I don't see how that is helpful. The point of these threads often gets lost actually, with posters shouting at each other about whether the OP is an alcoholic or not. This is something you need to work out for yourself. Many problem drinkers find they can resolve their issues with a change in lifestyle, replacing bad habits with good, etc... That applies even to full-on alcoholics like myself. I used to sit binge-watching Netflix while drinking alone. That was one of my patterns. Change-up your behaviour and habits if something like this applies to you. Even changing where you sit and what you do is a simple thing that can make a massive difference.

Of the people I know with a serious drinking problem, longer-term some folk in recovery find they can be around alcohol in the home just fine and others need a dry house forever. Both are fine. Anyone with a problematic relationship with any substance should be supported. Yes, ultimately "it's your responsibility" (to quote another poster) but a decent partner would want to support you in any way they could.

I don't agree with posters who say it is OP's problem and hers alone, and that asking her DP not to bring wine into the house puts the blame and responsibility on him when it is all hers. Life just isn't that cut and dried.
In a partnership we often lean on each other for support in times of need. This is such a time. OP has made amazing steps to tackle her problem and been clear in her request for his support. What she has asked is unbelievably easy for him to achieve. Ignoring her request for his low-effort support in overcoming a huge challenge is sabotage and it sucks.

@SparklingLime

Posters have suggested bodies to speak to.

Oh well, that’s sorted then You really don’t know what you’re talking about, @Bluntness100. It’s fine not to comment if you only have a minimal understanding of the issue.

She has an excellent understanding. I live with a reformed alcoholic. She knows what she’s talking about.

I’m a recovering alcoholic and I’m fine with DH bringing alcohol in to the house, but that’s because a) I’ve got a recovery programme and so I’m well supported and it’s not just about my willpower versus alcohol - I have other tools available to me and b) I know my DH is 100% supportive of my sobriety and I wasn’t OK with there being booze in the house, he wouldn’t bring it in.

You’re only a couple of months in to not drinking. It’s understandable if you don’t want to have temptation around you. It sounds like your husband isn’t really supportive of you not drinking. Do you think he’s taking it seriously? Do you think possibly that you’ve underplayed your issue with alcohol and so he is treating it like a health kick that you can choose to follow or not, rather than an addiction that you’re going to need support to overcome?

I’m not saying this is the case. I just know that for myself (and I wasn’t a ‘vodka on my cornflakes’ alcoholic, I was ‘far too much wine, too often’ alcoholic) I had to be really serious about wanting to quit before others took me seriously.

I'm sorry but I think blaming your husband is a way to make yourself feel better about the truth

This

In an ideal world OP would be able to resist wine and when enough time has passed hopefully she will be able to BUT I really can't imagine being the partner of someone who has said they have an issue with alcohol and not wanting to help them. Especially when they've only given up for a few months. It just seems bizarre to me. Surely if you love someone you go out of your way to help with big things like this? It's not even like it would have been much effort for him to give the wine to a friend, donate it to the village hamper, leave it in the boot of the car, hide it somewhere etc.

I think a lot of women are in this position, I know i am, i can happily leave beer and spirits in the house but not white wine and I know i have a problem. After a particularly bad night where i drank 1.5 bottles of wine and forgot to blow out candles i woke up the next morning sick with myself and i havent touched a drop since, that was 2 months ago. I cant tell you the diffference it has made to me, and I wont bore you but I am over the moon and every day i am still saying to myself i dont drink wine, i had been drinking wine since i was in my late 20s and in my late 40s now.

@Apollo3

I'm sorry but I think blaming your husband is a way to make yourself feel better about the truth

This

Absolute rubbish and not even logical. OP has admitted she has a problem with alcohol, she has said quite clearly she needs her husband's help, she has quite clearly faced the truth. The husband has just decided he can't even take the very smallest steps to help her. Jeez I'd be more willing to help a housemate than he is with her! Of course she has a right to feel unsupported and annoyed.

Why get married if you're that selfish and unwilling to compromise and help yoour partner?

@Labobo

If he brings more home, just wrap it up and put it on nice neighbours' doorsteps. Get it out of the house as soon as it comes in. He didn't have to bring it home. I hate the 'you should have the willpower' argument. You don't. You have loads of willpower about all sorts of things. Not this. He should respect your very clear request for his support in this challenge.

I'm the same with ready salted crisps - ask DH again and again not to bring them into the house because I will eat every single packet. He could have flavoured ones that I leave. But he buys six packs of them every other day! Some tastes are addictive triggers.

This

@SarahAndQuack

If the OP had posted saying she'd given in to her sweet tooth during lockdown and couldn't resist pastries, and her DH knew this full well and kept bringing them home from work despite having no intention of eating them, we'd be calling that a nasty and emotionally shitty way of acting.

Because it's wine, some posters feel they can be sanctimonious.

This too

So the op was doing fine until he brought the wine home? So everyone needs to tip toe around her until when? Because if she doesn't admit to having a problem with alcoholism then what will change?

Thank you to all that have replied, I've read them all and so many were helpful. I've been online looking at drink aware etc, and I don't think I'm being delusional to say I'm not an alcoholic. I don't crave it, I certainly don't need it and it's been easy not drinking. I have Change-up your behaviour and habits if something like this applies to you as pp said as I found lockdown had got me into a habit. I do think that had I not realised that drinking was becoming a problem in October that I certainly was on the trajectory of becoming alcohol dependant - an alcoholic. That being said I do evidently have a problem and I've been very honest with everyone I know. I messaged everyone saying I wasn't drinking any more because I was worried that it was getting out of hand, and asked those who normally buy me wine for Christmas to stop.
My husband brought home a lot of wine on Friday, when I'd already asked him not too, I drank a bottle and then on Saturday gave all the wine away. He did the same yesterday, came through the door and gave me the wine. No he didn't pour it down my throat and I accept that it was my choice, but it's also my choice not to have something in the house that only affects me. I guess I thought he'd support me, he knows how I feel about it. The smoking analogy was good, I supported him to quit and certainly wouldn't have brought cigarettes into the house for him.

@JillofTrades

So the op was doing fine until he brought the wine home? So everyone needs to tip toe around her until when? Because if she doesn't admit to having a problem with alcoholism then what will change?

No, I've met people who are drinking, been to the pub, been shopping after work, bought his drinks, bought and wrapped and given away nice wine, I just can't say no when he comes home in the evening with it. Because that is how my habit started, he'd come home and I'd open wine. OK it's not a 'just' it's not good, I accept that I guess I expected support when I've been so open about something that was becoming a problem

More @Ecdysis and
You are all right and are doing the right things.

give it away or pour it down the sink. Or ask DH to do that?

I think if you object to labelling yourself it’s ok right now. What’s critical is you recognise you can’t control yourself around alcohol in certain circumstances and are actively trying to stop.

Every alcoholic denies it initially, with a list of reasons why they can’t
Possibly be an alcoholic. But I only drink x, I don’t do Y, I only drink at X times. You are slightly different, you recognise the behaviour, you’re actively trying to resolve it, you’re even informing everyone to help ensure you stick to it. I think this is the critical point.

It sounds like hour husband didn’t comprehend the scale of the issue. But has stepped up now and helped remove the wine, so hopefully you continue to get his support going forward 💐

I hate the 'you should have the willpower' argument. You don't

I'm with OP's partner on this, and also hate the will power argument. If you're using willpower, it means you still want to drink. Giving up is a change of mindset, which occurs when you recognise that drinking is deleterous to your life, so you don't want to do it any more.

Nobody can use will power to stop doing anything for any length of time. You can only use it whilst we break the habit. It's not the right tool for a long term plan.

I just can't say no when he comes home in the evening with it.

OK so you need to take accountability that this is entirely your responsibility. And ask yourself why? I'm just trying to say, if you don't admit to the problem and get the help you need then there is no end in sight. This will always be a trigger for you.

And you may be able to hold off at the pub because you know that you are responsible for your choice, while at home its easier to blame your husband. It doesn't make sense that you can do the one and not the other.