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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want him to bring the wine home?

299 replies

Ecdysis · 23/12/2020 06:09

I'm not an alcoholic but I do have an unhealthy relationship with wine. I realised in the first lockdown I was becoming dependent and after lots of thinking about it I quit in October. Much prefer not drinking and husband, who doesn't drink very much (the odd whiskey) agrees that not drinking has had a positive effect on my life.

I've asked him not to bring the wine he has been given as gifts from work home, however he has and I've gone back to drinking. He's says as an adult I should be able to have the willpower not to drink, I agree I should but I don't when wine is in the house (I wouldn't go and get some from the shop but when it's sat there I revert back to old habits)

AIBU to expect him to listen to me and leave the wine at work/give it away as he doesn't even drink wine and I don't want it?

OP posts:
InTheDrunkTank · 23/12/2020 11:34

@JillofTrades

And you may be able to hold off at the pub because you know that you are responsible for your choice, while at home its easier to blame your husband. It doesn't make sense that you can do the one and not the other.
Bloody hell, you clearly know nothing about addiction so why bother commenting. Everyone is different but lots of people will have fewer inhibitions at home than at the pub when they're around lots of people. You also spend a lot of time at home compared to at the pub. It's not for you to decide what OP's particular triggers are for her drinking. She has said that at present she struggles to resist temptation at home. Her DH can very easily help by not bring wine home, since he doesn't even drink wine it's no skin of his nose anyway.

Instead of tying yourself in knots trying to explain OP's drinking to her or tell her how she should feel or what should or shouldn't be difficult for her, why don't you expect her DH to show just a tiny bit of consideration.

peboh · 23/12/2020 11:41

You are an alcoholic if you cannot have alcohol in your home and not drink it. You need to address this problem. Yes you asked him not to bring it home, so he should have respected that however you really do need to deal with the problem you have with alcohol.

SarahAndQuack · 23/12/2020 11:44

[quote NotOfThisWorld]@SarahAndQuack

I was quoting you and addressing you. If my husband said he was struggling to resist donuts and didn't want loads of donuts in the house of course I'd support him because I love him and am not selfish.[/quote]
Yes ... I agree? That's pretty much exactly what I said? So are you responding to my point, or to someone else?

SarahAndQuack · 23/12/2020 11:47

@peboh

You are an alcoholic if you cannot have alcohol in your home and not drink it. You need to address this problem. Yes you asked him not to bring it home, so he should have respected that however you really do need to deal with the problem you have with alcohol.
But she's not in this position, is she?

She points out that she is perfectly fine if there's beer in the house, but she finds it hard to resist wine.

I don't see how it is helpful to bludgeon the OP over the head with the word 'alcoholic'.

It doesn't solve her problem (and she knows she has one).

And it doesn't change the fact that it is unnecessary and weird for the OP's husband to bring wine home if she's explicitly asked him not to.

SparklingLime · 23/12/2020 11:49

I’ve also got plenty of direct experience, and I disagree, @VinylDetective. It can be absolutely binary and it can be more complex. Thankfully there are people on this thread with a more up to date and nuanced understanding of OP’s situation.

TotorosFurryBehind · 23/12/2020 11:54

You asked him not to bring it home. He ignored your wishes and your concerns about your drinking.

I'd pour the wine down the sink at look at marriage counseling to address this communication issue.

I think it's unfair that other posters have suggested you are an alcoholic. Google 'abstainer Vs moderator', some people just find it easier to abstain from an addictive behaviour all together whilst others have no problems moderating intake.

It's great that you have acknowledged issues around alcohol and are trying to address this.

PandaBearCub · 23/12/2020 11:56

If you can’t control yourself around wine if it’s in your house, then you are addicted. Your DH should be able to put wine in the cupboard without you wanting a drink. Many alcoholics do not have side effects (you mentioned you don’t have any) because they’ve build a high tolerance to alcohol. Is there a professional you could speak to?

theemmadilemma · 23/12/2020 11:59

Op, I'm a sober alcoholic and I've the counselling and detox. From my perspective you've noticed a downhill slope, something becoming much more than a habit and put the breaks on successfully. I don't think the issue here is your relationship with alcohol. You seem well aware enough.

The issue is your husband not respecting your wishes. Especially when it seems to me you have been clear that this is a weak spot for you, that you struggle. That you are addressing something in your life which you felt was becoming problematic and he is effectively trying to trip you up when you've asked a simple and clear step from him. Do not bring wine into the house. Sit down again with him and explain how disrespectful and unsupportive he has been, and how it's important to you that he listens and heeds this request.

MitziK · 23/12/2020 12:02

You're making him responsible for your sobriety. It's not his problem; it's YOURS.

Stop deflecting blame on to him for your actions and get help.

Original poster
Ecdysis · 23/12/2020 12:02

@peboh

You are an alcoholic if you cannot have alcohol in your home and not drink it. You need to address this problem. Yes you asked him not to bring it home, so he should have respected that however you really do need to deal with the problem you have with alcohol.
Does anyone actually read my posts? I am addressing something which was becoming a problem. I've messaged my family and friends saying I'm worried this is going to become a problem, I admit that I should be able to ignore the trigger of husband coming home with wine but I can't, at least not yet. I've been dealing with it successfully since October and have told him why I prefer not drinking. He is bringing it home to me because he doesn't drink it and would never gift it and doesn't deal with the food/drink in the house.

And he isn't the one who has got rid of the wine, I did it Saturday and I've just messaged my friend and going to drop the rest to her later today. I have no desire to drink it, and it may not make sense how I can avoid alcohol easily in other situations but not when he comes through the door with it. I don't want it in the house, no one drinks it but me I don't understand why the temptation should be there.

OP posts:
theemmadilemma · 23/12/2020 12:08

A counsellor would tell OP that she's successfully identified an issue and her trigger points and ask if perhaps bringing in her husband to discuss why is unable to support her would be of help.

Literally been there.

Original poster
Ecdysis · 23/12/2020 12:15

@theemmadilemma

Op, I'm a sober alcoholic and I've the counselling and detox. From my perspective you've noticed a downhill slope, something becoming much more than a habit and put the breaks on successfully. I don't think the issue here is your relationship with alcohol. You seem well aware enough.

The issue is your husband not respecting your wishes. Especially when it seems to me you have been clear that this is a weak spot for you, that you struggle. That you are addressing something in your life which you felt was becoming problematic and he is effectively trying to trip you up when you've asked a simple and clear step from him. Do not bring wine into the house. Sit down again with him and explain how disrespectful and unsupportive he has been, and how it's important to you that he listens and heeds this request.

Thanks, I certainly realised that I was on a slippery slope and had I not realised things maybe very different now. I also realise that by stopping for a while I am by no means cured. If anything this has reaffirmed that I have a dysfunctional relationship with wine which I do not wish to continue.
OP posts:
LindaEllen · 23/12/2020 12:20

@Idontgiveagriffindamn

I would suggest that if you can’t not drink wine that is in your house you are actually an alcoholic. Otherwise you should be able to not drink it. Once you have acknowledged that you need to tell your husband that you are not drinking and that you cannot cope with alcohol in the house.
I must disagree with that one, because I'm the same with chocolate and snacks. If they're not in the house I wouldn't go out and buy them, but if they are, I have to eat them.

If she was a true alcoholic she would be going to buy alcohol.

But she recognises that she has an unhealthy relationship with it (which is not the same as an actual addiction) so yes, it is very unreasonable for her husband to bring wine home in large quantities.

lyinginthegutterstaringatstars · 23/12/2020 12:23

No he should not bring alcohol in the house if his partner is dependent. (I know you say you're not an alcoholic but if you cannot resist the temptation when it's in the house that's not a good sign )

Can you get some advice from the gp or AA?

InTheDrunkTank · 23/12/2020 12:25

@MitziK

You're making him responsible for your sobriety. It's not his problem; it's YOURS.

Stop deflecting blame on to him for your actions and get help.

Wow what a horrible thing to say. I hope to god you're not married with this attitude - you must be absolutely awful to live with.

Any normal person who is married to someone they love would listen carefully if their partner told them they had an issue with alcohol and would do their best to support them. OP has asked her partner to make a very simple step. All he has to do is not bring wine, which he doesn't even like anyway, home.

Anyone who can't dosomething so simple really has no business being married at all.

Wheresmykimchi · 23/12/2020 12:26

@StopSquirtingBleachOnCaneToads

If he doesn't drink wine and you've expressly said that you don't want it in the house then I don't understand why he's brought it home?
Because people have given it to him and spent money on it?

OP I think if you feel this way (which in all honesty you'd be far from alone ) the focus should be if you can on getting support with this rather than the non issue of DH bringing home Christmas presents.

InTheDrunkTank · 23/12/2020 12:27

It's also completely ridiculous all the posters deciding over the internet whether OP is an alcoholic or dependent. Noe of you are qualified to make that statement. OP has said quite clearly she has an issue with alcohol and is taking to steps to help herself so the patronising comments aren't useful.

Wheresmykimchi · 23/12/2020 12:27

@theemmadilemma

A counsellor would tell OP that she's successfully identified an issue and her trigger points and ask if perhaps bringing in her husband to discuss why is unable to support her would be of help.

Literally been there.

Knowing my counsellor as well as I do she would be looking to me for my own actions not other people.
lyinginthegutterstaringatstars · 23/12/2020 12:29

Op give it away or pour it down the sink.

Minky37 · 23/12/2020 12:30

If we trade the word ‘wine’ for ‘chocolate’ I would be exactly the same. If we have it in the house I can’t leave it alone. I don’t think it’s too much to ask that your DP doesn’t bring it back, especially as he’s not bothered about it himself.

Thewinterofdiscontent · 23/12/2020 12:30

@peboh

You are an alcoholic if you cannot have alcohol in your home and not drink it. You need to address this problem. Yes you asked him not to bring it home, so he should have respected that however you really do need to deal with the problem you have with alcohol.
She is! She’s not bloody drinking. Which is exactly the same result of months of therapy, having a sponsee or whatever else. Why is Op saying don’t bring any wine home” different to AA saying don’t have any wine at home.

There’s no “cure” for alcoholism. You just have to make not drinking your default.

InTheDrunkTank · 23/12/2020 12:32

@Wheresmykimchi

Unless he's a complete moron that doesn't excuse him bringing it home. He could say thank you very much to the person who gave it to him then drop it off with a friend (who isn't connected with work) on the way home as an unwanted Christmas present, he could leave it in the boot of the car and not tell OP it's there, he could hideit in the house until he can dispose of it, he could pour it down the sink and recycle the bottles. The people who gave it to him would not know and if they did I'm sure they'd prefer it be thrown away than drunk by someone who is trying to quit.

InTheDrunkTank · 23/12/2020 12:33

Knowing my counsellor as well as I do she would be looking to me for my own actions not other people.

Maybe your counsellor is rubbish. Mine would be questioning why I seek out relationships with people who have so little respect, consideration and love for me.

alphabetsoup1980 · 23/12/2020 12:35

He should be supporting you! you are not being unreasonable in expecting that!

I do have to say though, your behaviour mirrors that of an alcoholic.... I have an alcoholic family member and have been through it all with them - to hell. You keep saying it's just 'unhealthy' but that's exactly what alcoholic behaviour is!

The fact you can't stop yourself from drinking wine if it is in the house is not normal. It's good that you've acknowledged your weakness though - trust me, some people never do!!!!!

Please reach out to a medical professional, as it sounds like you need some support and guidance from someone qualified.

Have a lovely Christmas with your loved ones xx

EggnogAndAMincepie · 23/12/2020 12:36

If you can't control yourself around wine, then you are an alcoholic