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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want him to bring the wine home?

299 replies

Ecdysis · 23/12/2020 06:09

I'm not an alcoholic but I do have an unhealthy relationship with wine. I realised in the first lockdown I was becoming dependent and after lots of thinking about it I quit in October. Much prefer not drinking and husband, who doesn't drink very much (the odd whiskey) agrees that not drinking has had a positive effect on my life.

I've asked him not to bring the wine he has been given as gifts from work home, however he has and I've gone back to drinking. He's says as an adult I should be able to have the willpower not to drink, I agree I should but I don't when wine is in the house (I wouldn't go and get some from the shop but when it's sat there I revert back to old habits)

AIBU to expect him to listen to me and leave the wine at work/give it away as he doesn't even drink wine and I don't want it?

OP posts:
Wheresmykimchi · 24/12/2020 14:43

[quote Ecdysis]@Wheresmykimchi I agree with much of what you say. But thinking on it, I think I'm so upset because it is so specific and if my husband did as I asked it wouldn't affect him at all. I do not think I have an addiction (but I believe I was heading that way) or mental health issues and I do not believe I am asking very much from him. I'm asking him to support me so that I can make the right choice. If I was asking him to give something up he wanted I'd understand the posters more, I'm just asking him not to bring home/leave in the car something he doesn't even want.[/quote]
I get your stance the more you respond OP so thank you for that.

I was there with the drink in lockdown but only had myself to please.

Wheresmykimchi · 24/12/2020 14:44

@MrsTerryPratchett

Years of experience *@Wheresmykimchi*

Doesn't mean I'm right but it's a very common theme in treatment.

Oh I get that it can happen but Im never sure those type of posts - he IS doing a b and c are helpful other than to put those ideas into OPs head when this may not be the reality.
Original poster
Ecdysis · 24/12/2020 14:44

@MrsTerryPratchett

He's sabotaging you. He knows and he's doing it anyway. People with alcohol problems generally have partners who get something from that. Common things they get are:

Emotional detachment
A feeling of superiority
Not called on their own shit
Whatever the 'good' behaviour is around it (often sex)

If he keeps doing this, he gets something from drunk you that works for him.

I have no idea why so many twats on here want you to do things that are unhealthy for you to prove some point about willpower. Addiction/substance issues aren't and never have been about willpower.

I can see the truth in this however I don't think it applies to me. He hasn't bought me wine since giving up and I strongly doubt he will bring any home in the NY as he won't have been given any at work. The first time he did it I did think he'd didn't realise/forgot but the second time I'd been perfectly clear.
OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 24/12/2020 14:46

Im never sure those type of posts - he IS doing a b and c are helpful other than to put those ideas into OPs head when this may not be the reality.

Denial is a vastly more likely reaction.

And look, the OP says it's not him sabotaging so you needn't have worried.

Wheresmykimchi · 24/12/2020 14:47

@MrsTerryPratchett

Im never sure those type of posts - he IS doing a b and c are helpful other than to put those ideas into OPs head when this may not be the reality.

Denial is a vastly more likely reaction.

And look, the OP says it's not him sabotaging so you needn't have worried.

I just think it's a big leap to him feeding her drink so he can get sex out of her Confused

Maybe I'm naive to these things , that horrified me.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/12/2020 14:52

If you're horrified by that, don't spend any time in meetings or treatment centres. You'd lose your mind.

Original poster
Ecdysis · 24/12/2020 14:56

I just think it's a big leap to him feeding her drink so he can get sex out of her

Funnily enough this is a bit I can understand. Sober sex is different although again I do not think this is his reason.

OP posts:
coldwaterfeed · 24/12/2020 15:10

I find it weird that you're telling me I'm wrong when you are doing exactly the same as me and neither of us actually KNOW. Very entitled and arrogant stance.

What arrogant and entitled is everyone insisting to OP that she should be fine with alcohol in the house. @Wheresmykimchi

Wheresmykimchi · 24/12/2020 16:31

@coldwaterfeed

I find it weird that you're telling me I'm wrong when you are doing exactly the same as me and neither of us actually KNOW. Very entitled and arrogant stance.

What arrogant and entitled is everyone insisting to OP that she should be fine with alcohol in the house. @Wheresmykimchi

I didn't ever say that though. And she is fine with alcohol. Just not wine.
KOKOagainandagain · 24/12/2020 16:49

You want to be sure if he wants you to drink OP then pour the wine down the sink and fill the bottle with apple juice and wow him with your willpower.

Do you feel you can choose not to drink wine but have to drink wine he hands you?

Wheresmykimchi · 24/12/2020 17:20

@KeepOnKeepingOnAgainandAgain

You want to be sure if he wants you to drink OP then pour the wine down the sink and fill the bottle with apple juice and wow him with your willpower.

Do you feel you can choose not to drink wine but have to drink wine he hands you?

Oh good point. never thought of that.
Nanny0gg · 24/12/2020 19:23

@Eckhart

Does anybody who is suggesting that DP is the problem think that OP does not have a problem with alcohol?
Yes, she does. The same way I have a problem with crisps and chocolate.

And when I am in the right frame of mind to be sensible, they are never bought, by me or DH. if they are bought, I eat the lot.

Wheresmykimchi · 24/12/2020 20:50

@Nanny0gg but weirdly enough , even in the glamourisation, when it's drink it is met with much pearl clutching and saboteur accusations that wouldn't happen otherwise.

Eckhart · 24/12/2020 21:17

@Nanny0gg

Yes, she does. The same way I have a problem with crisps and chocolate

And when I am in the right frame of mind to be sensible, they are never bought, by me or DH. if they are bought, I eat the lot

What point are you making? That we should treat alcohol addiction in the same way as being hooked on unhealthy foods?

coldwaterfeed · 24/12/2020 21:23

but weirdly enough , even in the glamourisation, when it's drink it is met with much pearl clutching and saboteur accusations that wouldn't happen otherwise.

Kimchi, many men do sabotage their partners' diets by bringing home fatty food, chocolates etc. You seem very sheltered.

Nanny0gg · 24/12/2020 21:37

[quote Eckhart]@Nanny0gg

Yes, she does. The same way I have a problem with crisps and chocolate

And when I am in the right frame of mind to be sensible, they are never bought, by me or DH. if they are bought, I eat the lot

What point are you making? That we should treat alcohol addiction in the same way as being hooked on unhealthy foods?[/quote]
No. That her DH needs to be supportive and not bring it home.

Wheresmykimchi · 24/12/2020 21:49

@coldwaterfeed

but weirdly enough , even in the glamourisation, when it's drink it is met with much pearl clutching and saboteur accusations that wouldn't happen otherwise.

Kimchi, many men do sabotage their partners' diets by bringing home fatty food, chocolates etc. You seem very sheltered.

No I know that. But it's not seen as sabotaging 'addiction'.
Wheresmykimchi · 24/12/2020 21:50

@coldwaterfeed

but weirdly enough , even in the glamourisation, when it's drink it is met with much pearl clutching and saboteur accusations that wouldn't happen otherwise.

Kimchi, many men do sabotage their partners' diets by bringing home fatty food, chocolates etc. You seem very sheltered.

I don't think I'm sheltered. I just don't apply worst case to every scenario if that makes sense.
LizB62A · 24/12/2020 22:06

If he does it again, just pour it down the drain. I don't have a problem with alcohol, but I do with food and telling someone they should just have the willpower not to indulge just isn't fair.....

FYI foodbanks won't take alcohol or anything with alcohol in it.
The foodbank my sister helps out at were given several trays of cartons of brandy sauce and they just aren't allowed to give it to foodbank clients (I think they let the volunteers take in in exchange for donations of things they could give to clients)

Scarydinosaurs · 25/12/2020 06:05

Was he receptive to your MIL speaking to him?

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 25/12/2020 06:35

Gosh op, there is something really awful about what your H is doing. I can't put my finger on it, but to continue to bring it home after being asked.

What happened after he spoke to his mum?

Well done on being so honest with everyone. This would kill my relationship though.

Porridgeoat · 25/12/2020 06:49

If I was your husband I’d go out of my way to support you. Are there things he likes about you drinking?

Porridgeoat · 25/12/2020 06:55

If he comes in with wine can you immediately stick it on your neighbours doorstep with a note saying DH is being given silly amounts of alcohol at work and neither of you drink so thought you’d share. You could count just how many different neighbours you could give wine to in 2021. Then start the challenge again in 2022.

MerchantOfVenom · 25/12/2020 09:09

This thread is left me feeling nothing more than very grateful for my DH. I know what he would do in this situation, and I guess that’s what I’m basing my position on.

Ecdysis - YANBU, and I think you know it. I hope your DP comes around. Flowers

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