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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want him to bring the wine home?

299 replies

Ecdysis · 23/12/2020 06:09

I'm not an alcoholic but I do have an unhealthy relationship with wine. I realised in the first lockdown I was becoming dependent and after lots of thinking about it I quit in October. Much prefer not drinking and husband, who doesn't drink very much (the odd whiskey) agrees that not drinking has had a positive effect on my life.

I've asked him not to bring the wine he has been given as gifts from work home, however he has and I've gone back to drinking. He's says as an adult I should be able to have the willpower not to drink, I agree I should but I don't when wine is in the house (I wouldn't go and get some from the shop but when it's sat there I revert back to old habits)

AIBU to expect him to listen to me and leave the wine at work/give it away as he doesn't even drink wine and I don't want it?

OP posts:
knackersknockersknickers · 23/12/2020 08:00

I have a similar relationship with chocolate. I don't keep it in the house. The kids are allowed other treats, that I don't have the trigger to binge on.

It's completely different having something you have an unhealthy relationship with in the house to having access to it out and about; the little voice keeps gnawing at you to have some, it's almost daring you. I never buy chocolate but if it's in the house I can't stop until it's gone.

Anothertiredmother · 23/12/2020 08:01

Well done for giving up in October OP. I think your DH is being really unsupportive. If he really cares about your health he wouldn’t have brought the wine home. I’m in a similar situation. I only used to drink three nights a week but it’s slowly crept up to four nights and is now most nights. My own DH knows I’m trying to cut down but puts his own selfish needs first and suggested we get a bottle of wine last night. We only have one between us but I end up having the more generous half. I hate the hold it has on me. It’s hard to cut something out of your life when it’s something you have come to rely on so much and I think having a partner who is supportive of your effort to cut back/ give up on the booze makes such a difference.

Heyahun · 23/12/2020 08:03

You are blaming someone else for your problem though ! You need to tackle your drinking - it’s not your husbands fault!

Whattimeisdinner · 23/12/2020 08:05

My DH has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and stays off it thankfully.
Every Christmas his colleagues buy him wine & whiskey. Bottles of it. The cupboard is now full of the stuff.
He loves alcohol and is very reluctant to give any of away even though it makes him really sick and could set him off on a slippery path again.
It’s a strange relationship.
I just wish people would stop giving him bottles but they never will because they don’t know what I know.

MerchantOfVenom · 23/12/2020 08:07

I don't think you are an alcoholic if it's only wine you like

It just doesn’t work like that - would you say they weren’t an alcoholic if it was ‘just’ bourbon or whisky or vodka they couldn’t control themselves around?

Wine really doesn’t get a free pass just because it’s the preserve of middle class Mums.

Whenwillow · 23/12/2020 08:10

All these posts saying OP needs to tackle her drinking - that's exactly what she's doing by not having wine in the house!
Bless you @Ecdysis, you're getting a really hard time here!
Yes, your husband should know better. I hope you can have a useful conversation about it with him, so it won't happen again Flowers

M0rT · 23/12/2020 08:12

Is your DH part of the reason you came to rely on wine?
Like a pp I have a similar relationship with chocolate and my DH hides it from me at my request until it's appropriate to eat, like after dinner rather than instead of breakfast!
When he is on a health kick I don't buy him the treats that would tempt him.
I think that's normal relationship behaviour.

minimonkey11 · 23/12/2020 08:14

I know this is perhaps beside the point but was it just a bottle he brought home or 12 bottles? Obviously he shouldn’t have brought it home if he had no intention of drinking it himself but i also think you need to give yourself a break! Have you drunk a glass of wine on this relapse or 6 bottles? Step back and start again. Xx

LastChristmas20 · 23/12/2020 08:15

I'm sorry but I think blaming your husband is a way to make yourself feel better about the truth.

Hopefully this will be the eye opener for you to get some help.

Cam77 · 23/12/2020 08:15

I agree with others who said just get up early one morning and pour it all down the sink. He’s left you no other option. It’s only fancy water. If he asks you can just say you got up in the night/stayed up late and had a few glasses and must have got carried away. Don’t feel guilty about it, he should feel guilty.

Labobo · 23/12/2020 08:16

If he brings more home, just wrap it up and put it on nice neighbours' doorsteps. Get it out of the house as soon as it comes in. He didn't have to bring it home. I hate the 'you should have the willpower' argument. You don't. You have loads of willpower about all sorts of things. Not this. He should respect your very clear request for his support in this challenge.

I'm the same with ready salted crisps - ask DH again and again not to bring them into the house because I will eat every single packet. He could have flavoured ones that I leave. But he buys six packs of them every other day! Hmm Some tastes are addictive triggers.

Takethereigns · 23/12/2020 08:16

I think calling yourself an alcoholic may help your husband realise the severity of your situation.

Speak to him again. Come to an agreement that if he is gifted a bottle of wine and it can’t stay in work then it will be poured down the sink when he brings it home.

You hopefully will be able to get your addiction under control by avoiding having wine in the house, it will not hurt you to seek additional help from AA or GP. What happens if you are at a party and are offered a glass, or you open a bottle a present and it’s wine.
You need to have a strategy going forward.

Good luck to you!

Sally872 · 23/12/2020 08:18

Yanbu you have recognised wine has a negative effect on you and want to keep it out of the hours. This does not impact your dh as he does not drink wine.

Yeah maybe you should be able to leave it but you can't. What is his excuse for being unable to support you?

He should have left it in the car, or given it to colleagues or neighbours on way home. Or binned it if he had to. Very unsupportive.

Cam77 · 23/12/2020 08:19

@LastChristmas20
Not always that cut and dry. Many people just have addictive behaviors. They moderate them by keeping X product out of view except for special occasions. I’m the same as OP if I get one bottle delivered from Tesco I’ll happily just drink that in a whole week (even though there’s an off license just over the road). If I get five bottles I might finish most of it. Poor self control doesn’t equate to alcoholism.

SparklingLime · 23/12/2020 08:22

He bought it home twice? His behaviour is nasty and so undermining.

ilhahih · 23/12/2020 08:25

He shouldn't be bringing it home. He could take it out of work and leave it in the car until he can pass it on to someone else.

Tell him if he brings any more wine home you are going to tip it straight down the sink, no ifs or buts.

Bonsai49 · 23/12/2020 08:31

Pop the next bottle straight down the sink OP - I have a close family member that has a similar issue ... do it the minute he brings it through the door.

Or go and give it to your next door neighbour as a Christmas gift

AliceMcK · 23/12/2020 08:35

I know exactly how you feel, wine is my Achilles Heal too. If it’s there I drink it and I don’t know when to stop. But, I can happily leave other alcohol. Hubby brought a box of beer he was given home, not something he likes but I don’t mind it, in 3 months I’ve had 2 bottles, one I turned into a shandy. I treat myself to a decent single malt for the first time in about 15 years about 6 weeks ago, 3/4 of the bottle still there and probably will be for another 6 months when I decide to have another glass. Bring a bottle of wine in the house and it will be gone with in a couple of hours.

I’d be pissed off if my hubby did this when I asked him not to.

SarahAndQuack · 23/12/2020 08:38

If the OP had posted saying she'd given in to her sweet tooth during lockdown and couldn't resist pastries, and her DH knew this full well and kept bringing them home from work despite having no intention of eating them, we'd be calling that a nasty and emotionally shitty way of acting.

Because it's wine, some posters feel they can be sanctimonious.

SarahAndQuack · 23/12/2020 08:40

And, if someone said they'd struggled with the donuts over lockdown, we would not be saying 'well, if you can't resist the box right in front of you that your husband bought and doesn't want, then you're definitely a problem eater. You should start calling yourself that'. Would we?

No, we'd just say 'wow, OP, that's shit. Here you are trying to be healthy and he is undermining you.'

ToniTheDonkey · 23/12/2020 08:40

YADNBU. You have both identified that you have a problem, you have identified the trigger and you have identified a simple solution, ie not bringing wine into the house. Why can’t he stick to that? He doesn’t even want to drink the wine himself so it’s not a hardship for him. Him saying you should be able to resist it is unfair, bordering on the cruel.

Eckhart · 23/12/2020 08:42

If you're expecting him to never bring wine into your house again because you have an addiction, you are asking him to allow you to continue as you are; still in a problem relationship with alcohol.

You are thereby asking him to be codependent.

Whether you are 'an alcoholic' is neither here nor there. You have a problem with alcohol. It's not his responsibility to guard you.

How would you feel if he said 'Don't bring anything sugary into the house because I'll eat it'? And then he did, every time?

Kat92 · 23/12/2020 08:43

YANBU - I think to be honest it doesnt matter if you fit the definition of an alcoholic technically or not.
You have worked out a way to stop drinking wine in a very sensible way (by not having it in the house) and it's very reasonable to expect your partner to support you.

LastChristmas20 · 23/12/2020 08:48

@SarahAndQuack

And, if someone said they'd struggled with the donuts over lockdown, we would not be saying 'well, if you can't resist the box right in front of you that your husband bought and doesn't want, then you're definitely a problem eater. You should start calling yourself that'. Would we?

No, we'd just say 'wow, OP, that's shit. Here you are trying to be healthy and he is undermining you.'

Actually we've been in this exact boat in our house.

One of us shouldn't have to go without because the other can't control themselves.

When I eat/drink something I know I shouldn't I only have myself to blame.

It's not like the OPs DH opened the bottles and pour OP a glass of wine. He wasn't even going to open them.

On the contrary to your comment.

I think if this was flipped and a woman had brought home wine that was a gift for her that she wasn't going to drink. And then her DH opened them and drank them that posters would be piling on saying she had definitely not been unreasonable to bring the wine home. He was unreasonable and has a problem.

Eckhart · 23/12/2020 08:50

@SarahAndQuack

And, if someone said they'd struggled with the donuts over lockdown, we would not be saying 'well, if you can't resist the box right in front of you that your husband bought and doesn't want, then you're definitely a problem eater. You should start calling yourself that'. Would we?

No, we'd just say 'wow, OP, that's shit. Here you are trying to be healthy and he is undermining you.'

No. Don't speak for 'we'. Each person is responsible for themselves. If someone in the house doesn't want to consume something, it is their decision, their responsibility, not to consume it. It is not the responsibility of anybody else.

Blurring this boundary allows addicts to stay addicted and blame others. It is very important to recognise and respect this boundary. Nobody makes you drink except you. Nobody makes you eat doughnuts except you. It's not easy to accept because addiction puts responsibility on everyone and everything but the addict. But it is crucial to accept, before addiction can be dispelled.

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