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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want him to bring the wine home?

299 replies

Ecdysis · 23/12/2020 06:09

I'm not an alcoholic but I do have an unhealthy relationship with wine. I realised in the first lockdown I was becoming dependent and after lots of thinking about it I quit in October. Much prefer not drinking and husband, who doesn't drink very much (the odd whiskey) agrees that not drinking has had a positive effect on my life.

I've asked him not to bring the wine he has been given as gifts from work home, however he has and I've gone back to drinking. He's says as an adult I should be able to have the willpower not to drink, I agree I should but I don't when wine is in the house (I wouldn't go and get some from the shop but when it's sat there I revert back to old habits)

AIBU to expect him to listen to me and leave the wine at work/give it away as he doesn't even drink wine and I don't want it?

OP posts:

HamishDent · 23/12/2020 07:02

Of course she shouldn’t bring it into the house, he should be supporting you. At the very least he could hide it in the garage or shed until he has time to regift it.

Good luck OP. You stopped before and you can do it again.

Gooseysgirl · 23/12/2020 07:04

Oh OP this sounds like a very challenging situation for you 😕 No it's not helpful that he keeps bringing home the wine.

I wonder if he is feeling very worried and frustrated about what he perhaps sees as a lack of willpower, and is placing you in to a position of temptation because he really wants you to seek professional help?

Original poster

Ecdysis · 23/12/2020 07:05

@MerchantOfVenom

Gosh, I love any (and every) opportunity to have a wine, but to not be able to leave it if it’s in the house is next level.

If you really are that addicted to it, then no you’re not being unreasonable to expect your DH not to bring it home.

But as I say, that really is quite an addiction (I’m deliberately avoiding the other ‘a’ word), and it might be worth getting some support for that.

I'm not addicted, in as far as I don't have side effects if I don't drink nor do I go out and buy it, I have no problem walking past the wine aisle even after a stressful day, I just wouldn't buy it. However I do realise my response to him bringing it home is not normal or healthy and as a pp said I recognise that I could slip into destructive behavior and have made the decision to change my behavior.

He has no plans on regifting it as we've dropped all presents off. When I asked why he brought it home he just said I should be able to not drink it.

OP posts:

Ginfordinner · 23/12/2020 07:09

I don't think food banks like to accept alcohol.

It wasn't very fair of him to bring the wine home, but I think the OP is in denial about using the "a" word with regard to her relationship with alcohol.

My late BIL died from cirrhosis of the liver, but he could leave SIL's wine alone. He just drank everything else.

Penville · 23/12/2020 07:16

He could definitely be more supportive - not everyone has the same level of impulse control.

Are there other ways you could help break the ritual for yourself? Get rid of your corkscrew or maybe give away your wine glasses/put them into storage? I always find wine isn’t the same from a tumbler.

Also have you tried having non-alcoholic wine or another soft drink you like around? If you’re just after something different to drink for an evening at home they might help shift your association.

Confusedandshaken · 23/12/2020 07:17

By bringing it home he has forced you to confront how out of control your drinking is. Leaving it at work would have masked your problem.

People in the AA say they are 'powerless' around alcohol. You seem to be powerless around wine. There isn't a lot of difference really.

There is an argument that your DP should be more supportive. There is also an argument that you need to take responsibility for yourself. He bought the wine into the house but he didn't chill the bottles, uncork them and pour them down your throat. Only you can stop yourself drinking and you need to own that.

I am also a problem drinker. Until 2 years ago I was drinking in excess of a bottle of wine every night. Eventually something snapped inside me and I knew it had to stop. Nothing anyone else could have done could change it. It needed to come from within me.

Original poster

Ecdysis · 23/12/2020 07:17

@Gooseysgirl

Oh OP this sounds like a very challenging situation for you 😕 No it's not helpful that he keeps bringing home the wine.

I'm not being obtuse but what would professional help do, I'd imagine they would ask for triggers and then work out ways around them. My trigger is wine being brought home in the evening the solution is to not bring it home. As I said I've been reading the support books and have been thinking about how to support myself. For example I met my friend for coffee instead of going to a bar, we went to the pub for lunch and I drove. I've not found it hard not to drink (or to not buy it, I used to buy it on the way home from work) I know it sounds pathetic that I can't not drink it when it's brought home in the evening. I do think he is frustrated by my lack of willpower, but he doesn't seem to realise I do have the willpower to not buy it, the willpower to give it away if I had it in the day just not enough in the evenings.

OP posts:

ZaraTheWonderDog · 23/12/2020 07:26

I think YANBU. t doesn't really matter how we characterise the problem with wine (labelling someone an alcoholic isn't helpful in this instance) - the point is you asked your husband not to bring it home, and he did anyway. He doesn't drink wine himself; he could have given it to a colleague or just left it at work over the holidays. If you're trying to make a new habit, those first days are crucial and most people benefit from the support of those around them.

Snowyowl1234 · 23/12/2020 07:28

YANBU.

Maybe write him a letter to explain how it makes you feel when he brings wine into the house despite you asking him not to do this?
Explain (as you have done very clearly in your posts) that you are addressing your problems with wine in the way that seems best for you.
It sounds like you have made great progress in tackling your problems with wine, and I wish you all the best for the future.

shenanigans5 · 23/12/2020 07:30

Rather than label you an addict or alcoholic I think it’s more important for DH to support and commend your efforts.
You’re not asking for very much.
It may be in the future different triggers creep in or you need help/support from professionals if you struggle to resist the wine but for now you know what you need to stay in control- and that’s fine.

When I used to run smoking cessation workshops for the nhs it was partly about avoiding triggers- it’s a recognised approach in supporting people addicted to a particular substance. It was also important for people to feel good about themselves and their efforts, to keep going after a bad day and recognise their achievements.

Longpinknails · 23/12/2020 07:35

You’re not an alcoholic, your dependent and in a habit with wine. He was unreasonable to bring it home. If he starts buying you wine after Christmas, then there’s definitely a problem. As it’s gone now, try and get over this as best you can.

pinkstripeycat · 23/12/2020 07:35

You are an alcoholic I’m sorry to say as you can co tell yourself around wine. Misconceptions with Alcoholics are that they drink in the morning or they drink anything alcoholic.

pinkstripeycat · 23/12/2020 07:36

*can’t control yourself around wine

Chanjer · 23/12/2020 07:39

Stop saying you're not an alcoholic. It'll make dealing with your problem easier

Being able to ignore some booze does not qualify as not being an alcoholic. It's true fact that you ignore the wine and that you're perfectly happy to pass the blame to someone else for your drinking

You're an alcoholic

Chanjer · 23/12/2020 07:40

That made sense before predictive text got involved

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 23/12/2020 07:43

OP I completely understand and I have a similar relationship with wine. It's a shame your husband isn't doing anything to help you and just guilt tripping you instead.

I used to get my partner to hide it and not tell me where it was and then just retrieve a bottle when we had friends over or wanted a bottle with dinner. Would he do that?

If not then (if you don't want to pour it down the sink) maybe lock it in a suitcase out of reach on top of a wardrobe, put it in the attic or an outside shed - somewhere where it's just not easily retrievable without effort.

Sunshineandflipflops · 23/12/2020 07:46

I don't think you are an alcoholic op but I am in a relationship with a 2 years recovering alcoholic and he is ok with being around people drinking, with not buying it in a shop (or even on occasion buying a bottle for me), but he can't have alcohol (of any kind) in his home if I'm not there to drink it all before I leave (ie not leave any remains when I go).

I respect that and if I want to drink while I'm there I buy the single serve bottles of wine and make sure I drink it or take it home with me.
He was gifted a bottle of prosecco from his work (who know he is a recovering alcoholic), which panicked him a little as he was home alone for a few days so I couldn't take it for him so he went and gave it to a neighbour.

Your DH was unreasonable to bring it home and then when you explained how you felt, even more unreasonable not to take it away again. You only gave up wine 2 months ago so it's v early days to be reliant on willpower alone when it's right in your face.

Demitri · 23/12/2020 07:47

I’m in a similar boat op. During the first lockdown, I realised i was getting rather attached to my couple of glasses of wine after dc went to bed. Ive never been a big drinker. I won’t touch a drop during the day, but after 8pm, the first thing I’d do after tucking them in was pour myself a glass of wine. As the weeks went on I started counting down the minutes until they fell asleep. I won’t go out to buy it, I won’t drink during the day. I’m fine going to a bar/pub and stick to sipping one or two drinks over a couple of hours. It’s just something about being stuck at home, it was my release. It’s definitely something about the evenings that triggers me. Towards the end of lockdown I was drinking the full bottle after dc went to bed and I was waking up hungover and then felt shit for the whole day.

I’ve stopped now. I told dh to stop bringing wine on his way home. He doesn’t drink so he was only getting it for me. I told him it’s not a problem yet, but I can see it turning into one if I don’t get a grip on it.

I’m sure dh thought I should be able to handle it but, ultimately, we’re a team. I needed his help on this one and he respected my wishes. He was given wine from his boss. He left it in the boot of the car and gave it to his friend the next day. I can’t imagine him ever deliberately bringing wine home, when I’ve specifically asked him not to, to ‘test my willpower’.

Leflic · 23/12/2020 07:52

@Ginfordinner

I don't think food banks like to accept alcohol.

It wasn't very fair of him to bring the wine home, but I think the OP is in denial about using the "a" word with regard to her relationship with alcohol.

My late BIL died from cirrhosis of the liver, but he could leave SIL's wine alone. He just drank everything else.

People are really hung up on the Op calling herself an alcoholic.

Right let’s assume she has admitted it.....do we think her partner should be bringing wine home?

No.

There, that’s what she asked. She’s said she has an issue with wine and that should be enough, for her husband not to bring it home. That’s the “support” she needs regardless of whether AA are involved or not.

movingonup20 · 23/12/2020 07:55

In a way he has helped you by confirming you do have a problem. It's not normal to "have" to drink the wine, I have 24 bottles here and drank one of them since they arrived Friday (we shared a bottle of beer as well that's it) get professional help

FippertyGibbett · 23/12/2020 07:57

Pour it all down the sink. Just get rid of it.
Do not keep it to give away.

MerchantOfVenom · 23/12/2020 07:57

I think Leflic - it’s because if you (generic) are in denial of the issue, you can’t actually address the issue.

You’re absolutely right, though - the OP’s DH just shouldn’t be bringing it home. He should be respecting her wishes, end of. This is what she needs to stay sober, and if you can’t rely on your life partner, who can you rely on?

JillofTrades · 23/12/2020 07:58

You are doing well but I think you need to face up to the facts. If you cannot help yourself then this is alcoholism.
I don't think he has done anything wrong. Your response to this is unhealthy. If there were other situations where there was alcohol around would you also not be able to help yourself? Just ask him to leave it someone where you don't know.

FreekStar · 23/12/2020 07:59

OP, I don't think you are an alcoholic if it's only wine you like and you haven't drunk anything since October. It sounds to me as if you just lack willpower and are blaming your DH but really you are annoyed with yourself. Anyone can resist a vice unless they are a genuine addict if they really want to.

NotOfThisWorld · 23/12/2020 08:00

It really wasn't much to ask from him. He's your husband not a random work friend and you've only just quit drinking so it's absolutely reasonable to expect him to be more supportive. If he had to bring the wine from work he could have hidden it somewhere and then given it away - especially since he doesn't even drink wine.

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