To not want him to bring the wine home?

[Ecdysis]

I'm not an alcoholic but I do have an unhealthy relationship with wine. I realised in the first lockdown I was becoming dependent and after lots of thinking about it I quit in October. Much prefer not drinking and husband, who doesn't drink very much (the odd whiskey) agrees that not drinking has had a positive effect on my life.

I've asked him not to bring the wine he has been given as gifts from work home, however he has and I've gone back to drinking. He's says as an adult I should be able to have the willpower not to drink, I agree I should but I don't when wine is in the house (I wouldn't go and get some from the shop but when it's sat there I revert back to old habits)

AIBU to expect him to listen to me and leave the wine at work/give it away as he doesn't even drink wine and I don't want it?

He was a jerk for bringing it home when you asked him not to. It's like my addiction to chocolate, I just can't have it in the house. People who don't have issues with food or alcohol just don't understand

@coffy11 - on the contrary.

I understand heavily.

Which is why I know OP needs to face this and sort it.

@Suzi888

I agree he shouldn’t bring it home, especially if he’s got no plans to drink it. What did you suggest he do with it though?

This is a strange comment.

It’s just a few bottles of wine. I am sure an adult who is able to hold down a job can come up with a few ideas.

Op - he is very dismissive of your real concerns here. He should not have brought the wine into the house. He clearly doesn’t listen to you or allow you to have a voice.

Speak to your gp about the drinking and speak to your husband about respecting your wishes

I would encourage you to join an AA meeting, to get help with your impulse control around wine. They are free and I believe happen on zoom atm.
As gently as I can say this - not being able to leave wine once its in the house, even though you acknowledge it isn't good for you is a sign of alcoholism, and it would be better to get the tools to deal with it now than let it progress further.
The first step of AA is to admit that you are powerless over alcohol. Not being able to leave wine would suggest this has become an issue for you.
Your partner could also join an Al-anon group to help him better support you. It sounds like you are both in a certain level of denial.
I went through this with an ex-partner - and it was very difficult for me to admit he had a problem as well, Al-anon was very helpful to me.

If the OP had posted saying she'd given in to her sweet tooth during lockdown and couldn't resist pastries, and her DH knew this full well and kept bringing them home from work despite having no intention of eating them, we'd be calling that a nasty and emotionally shitty way of acting

No, 'we' wouldn't. Some of us would agree with you and some of us wouldn't. Why do you feel you can speak for 'us'?

If it was going to go to a foodbank or as presents-wouldn't he have had to have brought it home first?

Would thinking that it wasn't "yours" as it was earmarked for something else have stopped you?

FFS, it doesn't matter whether OP is or isn't an alcoholic; she's asked her husband not to bring wine home but he still does despite not drinking it himself. He should be supportive and not bring it home, it's not like she's depriving him of a drink when he doesn't bloody drink the stuff.

I'd be seriously pissed off if my partner who is supposed to love me, didn't support me in this.

An ex used to do this, when I was trying to lose weight a few years back, he kept coming in with bars of chocolate, crisps - all my favourite things. I didn't buy that stuff, I didn't want to eat that stuff but I was addicted to food so I ate it. A supportive partner wouldn't do this, they'd do whatever they could to help. One of the reasons he's an ex and I've since gone on to lose over 9.5 stone

Does your DH realise the severity of the problem and the importance of supporting you?

I ask because OP herself hasn't got to the stage of using the word "alcoholic" yet and this is a relatively new thing. I can't imagine gifts of wine are a weekly occurrence so this sounds like her husband only did this twice with Xmas gifts.

Don't ask him not to bring it home, TELL him directly and firmly. And tell him you're also going to seek external hope to nip this in the bud. And tell him exactly what he should do if he gets more gifts of wine - leave it in the boot, regift it to a specific person, NOT let you know it's there. Form a plan and stick to it.

I don't think it matters if you call yourself an alcoholic or not. You've realised you have a problem with wine and you've worked out a way to deal with it. You're not asking a lot of your husband to ask him to support you in this, especially since he doesn't even drink wine. All the "should be able to"s are unhelpful, because you clearly can't and the shoulds only serve to make you feel shit about it. Which makes things worse. I don't know why he doesn't see that, but it might be worth spelling it to him in words of one syllable, so he understands. Do you have a friend who's stopped drinking (or who should have)? Could using them as an example instead of you help him understand better?

All the posters saying that the OP needs to find a way to cope with wine being all around her etc etc. She stopped drinking a couple of months ago. Have none of you ever quit smoking or anything else addictive? It gets easier with time. The first couple of months are hard. If someone leaves an open packet of cigarettes and a lighter in front of you when you've just quit, it's hard to resist and it's cruel of them to do it. The same with wine - the OP is currently managing her issue by not having it in the house. This is not an uncommon way to ensure sobriety. It doesn't mean she'll never be able to have wine around her in the future, but she's new to not drinking, Christmas is a time when people very commonly drink a lot anyway, and she's done really well to get this far.

@Ecdysis don't let one bad night put you off from starting over. You can always stop drinking again - you haven't ruined anything, and it's always worth doing. I hope your husband stops being so spectacularly unhelpful after you've had a talk with him. (It is possible that he's uncomfortable with you stopping drinking if that highlights issues of his own he's been ignoring. That's no excuse for undermining you like this, but might explain it. He needs to find a way to deal with that discomfort that isn't damaging your health.) Have you got a festive drink that you can drink instead of wine over Christmas? Cranberry juice and fizzy water with lots of ice and lime slices is one I like, or the bottle and green cordials. Or a nice tea or other hot drink for the evening - clipper make one called happy mondays which I really like. These might not work for you, but stopping drinking will be easier if you can find a replacement drink that you like, rather than sitting there missing drinks that are bad for you, drinking soft drinks you don't really like much.

(And on preview, this is v long - sorry!)

Accepting you have a problem and working out what the triggers are are huge first steps.💕

He has to be on board with this. You can’t suddenly get willpower like that. It’s an addiction but not in the same sense as all day drinking. You binge.

You binge on alcohol in the same way someone binges on food. You consume if it’s there. Part of it is boredom, loneliness etc.

You DH absolutely has to be on board with the ‘no wine’ until you have got to a place, if you can get to a place, where you’re strong enough and mental health and social issues around this are addressed.

@MumInBrussels

I don't think it matters if you call yourself an alcoholic or not. You've realised you have a problem with wine and you've worked out a way to deal with it. You're not asking a lot of your husband to ask him to support you in this, especially since he doesn't even drink wine. All the "should be able to"s are unhelpful, because you clearly can't and the shoulds only serve to make you feel shit about it. Which makes things worse. I don't know why he doesn't see that, but it might be worth spelling it to him in words of one syllable, so he understands. Do you have a friend who's stopped drinking (or who should have)? Could using them as an example instead of you help him understand better?

All the posters saying that the OP needs to find a way to cope with wine being all around her etc etc. She stopped drinking a couple of months ago. Have none of you ever quit smoking or anything else addictive? It gets easier with time. The first couple of months are hard. If someone leaves an open packet of cigarettes and a lighter in front of you when you've just quit, it's hard to resist and it's cruel of them to do it. The same with wine - the OP is currently managing her issue by not having it in the house. This is not an uncommon way to ensure sobriety. It doesn't mean she'll never be able to have wine around her in the future, but she's new to not drinking, Christmas is a time when people very commonly drink a lot anyway, and she's done really well to get this far.

@Ecdysis don't let one bad night put you off from starting over. You can always stop drinking again - you haven't ruined anything, and it's always worth doing. I hope your husband stops being so spectacularly unhelpful after you've had a talk with him. (It is possible that he's uncomfortable with you stopping drinking if that highlights issues of his own he's been ignoring. That's no excuse for undermining you like this, but might explain it. He needs to find a way to deal with that discomfort that isn't damaging your health.) Have you got a festive drink that you can drink instead of wine over Christmas? Cranberry juice and fizzy water with lots of ice and lime slices is one I like, or the bottle and green cordials. Or a nice tea or other hot drink for the evening - clipper make one called happy mondays which I really like. These might not work for you, but stopping drinking will be easier if you can find a replacement drink that you like, rather than sitting there missing drinks that are bad for you, drinking soft drinks you don't really like much.

(And on preview, this is v long - sorry!)

You said it so much better than me!

@Whenwillow

All these posts saying OP needs to tackle her drinking - that's exactly what she's doing by not having wine in the house! Bless you *@Ecdysis*, you're getting a really hard time here! Yes, your husband should know better. I hope you can have a useful conversation about it with him, so it won't happen again

Exactly what Whenwillow says.

She IS addressing it - she isn't in denial - she has taken steps to remove her one trigger.

OP knows she has 'a drinking problem' so can we move on from the insistence she define herself 'alcoholic'. It's not considered helpful by professionals these days.

"Trying to work out if you are 'alcoholic' or not can sometimes reinforce the idea that alcohol problems are a black-and-white issue. We take the view that they are more subtle than that, and that we need to be mindful of the varying degrees of severity. ... We are also conscious that language can be stigmatising, and that a term such as 'problem drinker' can imply that individuals are fully defined by their alcohol consumption, and should be judged accordingly. We, therefore, prefer to use the term 'drinking problems': because anyone can experience problems with their drinking, they can range in severity and they can change over time. "

Alcohol Change UK

Food banks can't give out alcohol, so it's pointless taking it there.

Give him until tomorrow to get it out of the house, then if it's not gone tip it down the sink or maybe take it to somewhere that raises money a lot so they can use it in a raffle?

I’m amazed that 31% of commenters think it’s ok to bring wine home when their partner admits to a drinking problem and has asked them not to.

He’s selfish and insensitive, on a serious matter, which would make me reconsider whether I wanted to go on living with him. OP, give the bottles away and if he brings any more home just pour it down the sink.

This has made me so angry! Selfish bastard.

And, if someone said they'd struggled with the donuts over lockdown, we would not be saying 'well, if you can't resist the box right in front of you that your husband bought and doesn't want, then you're definitely a problem eater. You should start calling yourself that'. Would we?

You might be that selfish but I'm not. My husband actually is trying to cut down on sweet treats. If they're right there he can't resist them. So guess what I don't buy them - or just buy in the small quantities I can eat immediately (or occasionally buy and hide for later).

In any case addiction to alcohol is more serious than not being able to resist a donut.

@NotOfThisWorld

And, if someone said they'd struggled with the donuts over lockdown, we would not be saying 'well, if you can't resist the box right in front of you that your husband bought and doesn't want, then you're definitely a problem eater. You should start calling yourself that'. Would we?

You might be that selfish but I'm not. My husband actually is trying to cut down on sweet treats. If they're right there he can't resist them. So guess what I don't buy them - or just buy in the small quantities I can eat immediately (or occasionally buy and hide for later).

In any case addiction to alcohol is more serious than not being able to resist a donut.

I'm confused - you're quoting me but addressing another poster?

@Eckhart

If the OP had posted saying she'd given in to her sweet tooth during lockdown and couldn't resist pastries, and her DH knew this full well and kept bringing them home from work despite having no intention of eating them, we'd be calling that a nasty and emotionally shitty way of acting

No, 'we' wouldn't. Some of us would agree with you and some of us wouldn't. Why do you feel you can speak for 'us'?

Because I'm read enough threads here to be fairly sure.

Ok, maybe there might be rogue poster saying 'OMG, the inability to resist a sweet treat is a major sign of disordered eating, this is terrible'.

But broadly, no, I've never seen MNers respond to someone trying to cut down on unhealthy food like this.

(By the way, when you say 'some of us would agree with you and some of us wouldn't,' you are also speaking for 'us'. Aren't you?)

@ApplesinmyPocket, that's a really helpful post.

@Ecdysis
Good for you for recognising that wine is a problem for you. You did really well to give up completely, you should give yourselves a pat on the back for admitting how unhealthy your relationship with wine became..
All that's happened is that you've slipped off the wagon, it's not as though you've murdered someone. You've done it once and you can do it again.
I'm sorry that the real nasty fuckers have been out in force on this thread. As if cruel words from a random internet poster will cause you to suddenly stand up and announce your name and alcohol problem.
I think that your husband is being totally unreasonable over this issue. You've admitted the problem and he seems to be incapable of supporting you, in fact, he's putting temptation in your way, he doesn't drink wine but he's insisting on bringing wine into the house. Then telling you that you should be capable of resistance, even when you've told him you can't. That's not supportive behaviour, that's being cruel.
YANBU. I wish you well and I hope that you're able to get back on that wagon, you can do it again.

no, I've never seen MNers respond to someone trying to cut down on unhealthy food like this

Really? I've seen people still blamed for eating the stuff in the first place.

The OP is rightly getting lots of understanding for her problem here but apparently one mistake by her partner is selfish and intolerable. That bit doesn't seem fair. Is only one of them allowed weaknesses and errors of judgement?

@SarahAndQuack

I was quoting you and addressing you. If my husband said he was struggling to resist donuts and didn't want loads of donuts in the house of course I'd support him because I love him and am not selfish.

@Butterymuffin

no, I've never seen MNers respond to someone trying to cut down on unhealthy food like this

Really? I've seen people still blamed for eating the stuff in the first place.

The OP is rightly getting lots of understanding for her problem here but apparently one mistake by her partner is selfish and intolerable. That bit doesn't seem fair. Is only one of them allowed weaknesses and errors of judgement?

Mistake?

It’s only fancy water.

Good grief. If grown adults describe alcohol - an addictive poison - in this twee and childish way, no wonder people like the OP struggle deal with her drinking problem.

I’m sorry to have to tell you this but you are an alcoholic. I’m married to a reformed one and your symptoms are classic. Please get some help. AA has worked for my bloke.

Of course he shouldn’t have brought it home - or if he wanted it for future social events he could have hidden it without you knowing.

However, I think it would help him understand why he shouldn’t have done if you are able to verbalise that ‘having a problem with wine’ is being an alcoholic, if you really can’t leave it alone as you describe. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Addiction to alcohol comes in different forms and degrees.