Page 11 | To not want him to bring the wine home?

Ecdysis · 2020-12-23T06:09:45+00:00

I'm not an alcoholic but I do have an unhealthy relationship with wine. I realised in the first lockdown I was becoming dependent and after lots of thinking about it I quit in October. Much prefer not drinking and husband, who doesn't drink very much (the odd whiskey) agrees that not drinking has had a positive effect on my life. I've asked him not to bring the wine he has been given as gifts from work home, however he has and I've gone back to drinking. He's says as an adult I should be able to have the willpower not to drink, I agree I should but I don't when wine is in the house (I wouldn't go and get some from the shop but when it's sat there I revert back to old habits) AIBU to expect him to listen to me and leave the wine at work/give it away as he doesn't even drink wine and I don't want it?

Original poster

Ecdysis · 24/12/2020 13:54

It's AIBU, you are all more than welcome to your thoughts. If he drank wine I would have come up with a different coping solution, but he doesn't so I guess I just can't see the need. If he brought it indoors in the morning that wouldn't be a problem, admittedly I would remove it from the house because I don't see the point of 'testing my willpower'. As for it being gifts for him, that is true but they are not gifts he wants and even if I could refrain they would still be regifted promptly as we would have no room for them.
It's not semantics, being an alcoholic is having a depedance, I've looked at the online support groups and what it is to be an alcoholic. I don't fit it but I DO HAVE A PROBLEM, it's my problem. However if I changed the words from I have a problem with alcohol, to I am an alcoholic would that make you think he should respect my request?

OP posts:

Ginfordinner · 24/12/2020 13:55

@Wheresmykimchi

Posters are inventing that DH is buying it and sabotaging on purpose here. I think it's far more likely given OPs own posts that he wants her to face the fact he is not responsible.

I just asked if he was buying it. I'm surprised that several people are buying him bottles of wine, especially if they know he doesn't drink it.

Wheresmykimchi · 24/12/2020 13:55

@coldwaterfeed ah, you know DH personally do you? You know he's buying it to bring joke to personally wind her up as said by PP? You know why he's doing it more than I?

In reference to your other post cold , OP has repeatedly said she isn't dependent , can walk past it in a shop and doesn't think about drink.

So on what grounds is DH supposed to turn it down? Sorry I can't take that home my wife doesn't let me have drink in the house in case she drinks it?

Wheresmykimchi · 24/12/2020 13:56

@Ginfordinner for what it's worth I don't necessarily agree with it either but I work in a department of eight people and was given three bottles of wine at Christmas.

I can imagine in offices it's commonplace.

Wheresmykimchi · 24/12/2020 13:59

@Ecdysis

It's AIBU, you are all more than welcome to your thoughts. If he drank wine I would have come up with a different coping solution, but he doesn't so I guess I just can't see the need. If he brought it indoors in the morning that wouldn't be a problem, admittedly I would remove it from the house because I don't see the point of 'testing my willpower'. As for it being gifts for him, that is true but they are not gifts he wants and even if I could refrain they would still be regifted promptly as we would have no room for them. It's not semantics, being an alcoholic is having a depedance, I've looked at the online support groups and what it is to be an alcoholic. I don't fit it but I DO HAVE A PROBLEM, it's my problem. However if I changed the words from I have a problem with alcohol, to I am an alcoholic would that make you think he should respect my request?

I can only speak for me personally but yes , in some ways. I would see it differently of you owned your problem , sought help and then said you didn't like him bringing it in. But you don't have a problem with alcohol, by your own admission. You can walk past a shop , you can cope with beer in the house....

You just can't handle yourself if he brings wine in. You can't have it all the ways.

I can't see the dramatics of having nowhere to store a bottle of wine. It's hardly huge.

Ginfordinner · 24/12/2020 13:59

When I was office based we had a seceret Santa, so some of use might have been lucky enough to receive one bottle of wine.

Any supplier gifts went straight to our HR department who organised a raffle. We weren't allowed to receive personal gifts from suppliers as it could have been seen as bribery.

Wheresmykimchi · 24/12/2020 14:00

@Ginfordinner

When I was office based we had a seceret Santa, so some of use might have been lucky enough to receive one bottle of wine.

Any supplier gifts went straight to our HR department who organised a raffle. We weren't allowed to receive personal gifts from suppliers as it could have been seen as bribery.

I work in a school so I suppose it's different. But I don't like being bought chocolate either

Original poster

Ecdysis · 24/12/2020 14:06

We aren't saying it is. But despite what posters are telling you , AA would take issue with you blaming others for your drinking

I actually take offence at this. I have said throughout that I am aware that this is My Problem. I am not blaming him for drinking, I accept that it is my choice to pour the glass and that the only one responsible is me. I am asking my husband, who I live with and offer reciprocal support as a marriage should be to support me with a difficulty I am having by not bringing home something he doesn't want.
And as for the posters questioning if I can actually not buy wine, I have no interest in lying to strangers. I have found giving up very easy, I've changed my habits and not missed it in the slightest. This trigger however, maybe especially because it's Christmas, is beyond me atm. It's a very specific trigger, him coming home doesn't make me want to drink, him drinking doesn't, him passing me a bottle of wine does.

OP posts:

Ginfordinner · 24/12/2020 14:08

Ah yes, I had forgotten @Wheresmykimchi. I used to give DD's teacher a bottle of wine at Christmas, and I wasn't the only one. Maybe the OP's husband is a teacher. I never thought of that.

Original poster

Ecdysis · 24/12/2020 14:10

So on what grounds is DH supposed to turn it down? Sorry I can't take that home my wife doesn't let me have drink in the house in case she drinks it?

I'm not ashamed, he can tell his colleagues that, most are corporate anyway so he wouldn't be offending people. He can tell people that he's not taking it as he doesn't drink wine and his wife doesn't want to. He could just say no thanks we don't drink wine, I'm sure others would be more than happy to have his, as I said he doesn't have difficulty not brining the chocolates home.

OP posts:

Wheresmykimchi · 24/12/2020 14:10

@Ginfordinner

Ah yes, I had forgotten *@Wheresmykimchi*. I used to give DD's teacher a bottle of wine at Christmas, and I wasn't the only one. Maybe the OP's husband is a teacher. I never thought of that.

I'm not familiar with offices having never worked in one so I'm not sure what the script is there.

I would hope he's not buying it

Wheresmykimchi · 24/12/2020 14:11

@Ecdysis

So on what grounds is DH supposed to turn it down? Sorry I can't take that home my wife doesn't let me have drink in the house in case she drinks it?

I'm not ashamed, he can tell his colleagues that, most are corporate anyway so he wouldn't be offending people. He can tell people that he's not taking it as he doesn't drink wine and his wife doesn't want to. He could just say no thanks we don't drink wine, I'm sure others would be more than happy to have his, as I said he doesn't have difficulty not brining the chocolates home.

I missed it about the chocolates ecdysis sorry.

I can half see your point. But I stand by my original sentiment pages back. I don't think what DH is or isn't doing should be the central issue.

Wheresmykimchi · 24/12/2020 14:13

@Ecdysis

We aren't saying it is. But despite what posters are telling you , AA would take issue with you blaming others for your drinking

I actually take offence at this. I have said throughout that I am aware that this is My Problem. I am not blaming him for drinking, I accept that it is my choice to pour the glass and that the only one responsible is me. I am asking my husband, who I live with and offer reciprocal support as a marriage should be to support me with a difficulty I am having by not bringing home something he doesn't want.
And as for the posters questioning if I can actually not buy wine, I have no interest in lying to strangers. I have found giving up very easy, I've changed my habits and not missed it in the slightest. This trigger however, maybe especially because it's Christmas, is beyond me atm. It's a very specific trigger, him coming home doesn't make me want to drink, him drinking doesn't, him passing me a bottle of wine does.

I believe you when you say you can not buy it. But I find it hard to get my head round the difference between seeing it in an aisle and DH bringing it home

it's all just very specific and laid solely at DHs door.

I'm sorry I offended you but the whole sentiment of this thread IS blaming DH for it. If he didn't bring it home you wouldn't drink. So you are blaming his actions for the reason you drink. It might be your problem but you are looking to him to fix it.

Original poster

Ecdysis · 24/12/2020 14:15

*But you don't have a problem with alcohol, by your own admission. You can walk past a shop , you can cope with beer in the house....

You just can't handle yourself if he brings wine in. You can't have it all the ways.

I can't see the dramatics of having nowhere to store a bottle of wine. It's hardly huge.*

FFS, I DO HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ALCOHOL. I've said it throughout. It's not normal to not be able to say no. I do not believe I am an alcoholic and since reading this thread and looking at the support groups they wouldn't consider me either. I do think I have the potential to become one hence why I've been so proactive in reading self help and changing habits.

I don't understand the..... I don't buy it and haven't since deciding to stop, it makes no difference if you choose to believe me or not.
We are not talking about storing one bottle, it's lots and why store something that NO ONE in the house wants to drink?

OP posts:

Wheresmykimchi · 24/12/2020 14:18

@Ecdysis

*But you don't have a problem with alcohol, by your own admission. You can walk past a shop , you can cope with beer in the house....

You just can't handle yourself if he brings wine in. You can't have it all the ways.

I can't see the dramatics of having nowhere to store a bottle of wine. It's hardly huge.*

FFS, I DO HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ALCOHOL. I've said it throughout. It's not normal to not be able to say no. I do not believe I am an alcoholic and since reading this thread and looking at the support groups they wouldn't consider me either. I do think I have the potential to become one hence why I've been so proactive in reading self help and changing habits.

I don't understand the..... I don't buy it and haven't since deciding to stop, it makes no difference if you choose to believe me or not.
We are not talking about storing one bottle, it's lots and why store something that NO ONE in the house wants to drink?

If you read my other post youl see I was clear that I believe you when you say you don't buy it. what I don't understand is how that makes any sense.

Why do you think you have a problem but you're not an alcoholic?

Original poster

Ecdysis · 24/12/2020 14:20

believe you when you say you can not buy it. But I find it hard to get my head round the difference between seeing it in an aisle and DH bringing it home confused it's all just very specific and laid solely at DHs door.

Thanks, it might sound weird but it's that specific. I feel no pull to buying one in the shop, but the habit of welcoming him home, being passed the wine is just too much. I can only liken it to going to the cinema. As soon as I buy the tickets I'm thinking about popcorn, I always buy some but I don't even like it, it's just the thought, the smell, the place makes me want popcorn. I hope it won't always be like this but he knows it's like this now but still brings it home.

OP posts:

Diva66 · 24/12/2020 14:21

YANBU to ask him to help and support you. Ask him why he can refuse chocolates but not wine. That seems odd, and rather controlling, to me.

burnoutbabe · 24/12/2020 14:23

this is the same thoygh as being on diet and other half bringing home chocolate that he doesn't want. You may be quite fine to not buy it in the shops and be okay to avoid cakes at home but you will eat chocolate that is there.

And as you prefer not to eat it and not be tempted, you say no chocolate in the house. if he kept bring it home and not to eat himself right away, it would be sabotaging your diet/ not supportive.

Wheresmykimchi · 24/12/2020 14:24

@Ecdysis

believe you when you say you can not buy it. But I find it hard to get my head round the difference between seeing it in an aisle and DH bringing it home confused it's all just very specific and laid solely at DHs door.

Thanks, it might sound weird but it's that specific. I feel no pull to buying one in the shop, but the habit of welcoming him home, being passed the wine is just too much. I can only liken it to going to the cinema. As soon as I buy the tickets I'm thinking about popcorn, I always buy some but I don't even like it, it's just the thought, the smell, the place makes me want popcorn. I hope it won't always be like this but he knows it's like this now but still brings it home.

I think the problem is OP and I'll try and word this well....

That doesn't sound like an addiction. It sounds the equivalent of people not being able to eat biscuits without eating ten.

The problem is in our society that the food version of this is accepted but the drink version isn't. People are immediately jumping to calling DH a saboteur and talking about alcoholism and they would not immediately start calling that if DH brought home biscuits.

But the flip side of that is that it's so specific, so niche , that posters like myself aren't getting the OTT response from posters and feel as if you are blaming DH for the reason you drink , in the same manner of blaming someone for putting on weight because he bought biscuits.
I don't know if that makes sense. I certainly don't disbelieve you , I take you at your word. But your question was whether he's being unreasonable and I think my issue is that the blame seems to be laid at him and unless we are talking addiction and mental health issues I think we have to be in some way responsible for our own choices.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/12/2020 14:32

He's sabotaging you. He knows and he's doing it anyway. People with alcohol problems generally have partners who get something from that. Common things they get are:

Emotional detachment
A feeling of superiority
Not called on their own shit
Whatever the 'good' behaviour is around it (often sex)

If he keeps doing this, he gets something from drunk you that works for him.

I have no idea why so many twats on here want you to do things that are unhealthy for you to prove some point about willpower. Addiction/substance issues aren't and never have been about willpower.

Wheresmykimchi · 24/12/2020 14:33

@MrsTerryPratchett

He's sabotaging you. He knows and he's doing it anyway. People with alcohol problems generally have partners who get something from that. Common things they get are:

Emotional detachment
A feeling of superiority
Not called on their own shit
Whatever the 'good' behaviour is around it (often sex)

If he keeps doing this, he gets something from drunk you that works for him.

I have no idea why so many twats on here want you to do things that are unhealthy for you to prove some point about willpower. Addiction/substance issues aren't and never have been about willpower.

You are making a LOT of assumptions here, completely without grounds.

coldwaterfeed · 24/12/2020 14:37

[quote Wheresmykimchi]@coldwaterfeed ah, you know DH personally do you? You know he's buying it to bring joke to personally wind her up as said by PP? You know why he's doing it more than I?

In reference to your other post cold , OP has repeatedly said she isn't dependent , can walk past it in a shop and doesn't think about drink.

So on what grounds is DH supposed to turn it down? Sorry I can't take that home my wife doesn't let me have drink in the house in case she drinks it?[/quote]
As it falls to OP to dispose of the wine, not him, and he never drinks it, your insistence that he is just doing it to make OP face things is really weird. You’re so so wrong.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/12/2020 14:40

Years of experience @Wheresmykimchi

Doesn't mean I'm right but it's a very common theme in treatment.

Original poster

Ecdysis · 24/12/2020 14:40

@Wheresmykimchi I agree with much of what you say. But thinking on it, I think I'm so upset because it is so specific and if my husband did as I asked it wouldn't affect him at all. I do not think I have an addiction (but I believe I was heading that way) or mental health issues and I do not believe I am asking very much from him. I'm asking him to support me so that I can make the right choice. If I was asking him to give something up he wanted I'd understand the posters more, I'm just asking him not to bring home/leave in the car something he doesn't even want.

OP posts:

Wheresmykimchi · 24/12/2020 14:42

@Coldwaterfeed

I find it weird that you're telling me I'm wrong when you are doing exactly the same as me and neither of us actually KNOW. Very entitled and arrogant stance.
I didn't actually insist anything though. I said that given OPs own account of his behaviour and words it seems far more likely he just doesn't want to take responsibility - ie you should be able to control yourself etc.

If he was coming in saying I've been bought this so you will drink it I'd take your point.

Posters jumping on the bandwagon to paint him out as some evil sabotaging villain. shock.

If OP was the wine bringer , the responses would be different.