To hate smacking?

[Calmorfirm]

I hate the idea if smacking children
My parents did it to me and my siblings and I hated it and my partner does it to our children and I hate it when it happens
It seems like the person who is doing it has lost control...is it ok for parents to still smack their kids these days?

Presumably, if you smack once, and it’s so effective, you don’t actually need to smack again?

indeed...

Those who claim being beaten never did them any harm, and are advocating hitting children, newsflash: you did not grow up ok...

I was smacked as a child, and have never hit DD. I simply can't understand why anyone thinks it is OK.

@SweetPetrichor

I can tell you don't have kids by the fact you just say they should do as they are told. Funnily enough it's not quite as easy as that lol

Let's not pretend that some parents have a daily routine round of smack for the fun of it like some posters pretend they do.

Oh stop making up shit that nobody ever said, like your laughable pretence that the non hitters are the ones getting defensive and prickly.

There is no good reason to hit children and the case has been made over and over. The hitters have absolutely nothing but abuse, false accusations and "well at least I don't beat them senseless, aren't I great for doing bog standard parenting duties to offset hitting my kids".

You have nothing and I think that on some level you do realise it, but your methods actively prevent thinking, self-improvement and introspection, so it's really not surprising that you're reduced to this kind of thing.

I am sorry you were in an abusive situation, it has however nothing to do with other parents going for a stricter style of parenting. Smacking your children in the right context is not abuse in any way shape or form.

57 states around the world have made smacking children illegal in any setting, including the home.

Are these countries making up the fact that it's abusive? Are they collectively misguided? I'm curious to know your perception on that, because all I can see is that the world is (thankfully) moving away from hurting children.

Not to drip feed, but I am autistic so I find a lot of behaviours quite strange.
Anything that affects my kids I take extra carefully and analyse even more as I'm generally pretty emotional for anything that affects them.

So given that a lot of people are suggesting that I should talk to my partner backs up my thoughts that smacking is not the best option.

My partner is the parent of my kids (I'm being intentionally vague) and we live together and are in a relationship. We have been together since the start of our relationship and have brought up our kids together.

Something that is slightly worrying is that they obey him but not me. I think I need to be more firm (something that my partner tells me frequently) but I don't want to end up smacking my kids as the youngest comes to me crying if my partner has smacked him and hurt him. My eldest is starting to agree with my partner and tells me to be more strict with my youngest and even smacks him himself, which I discourage but that does not seem to make a difference.

@Bootskates

Word of warning OP your kids may judge you too when they grow up.

My dad smacked, mum didn't. But she didnt defend us, comfort us etc. I didnt even know until adulthood that she hated him smacking us. Shame she didn't open her mouth back then because my respect for her is nearly as low as it is for the scumbag that hit me.

That is a really good point @Bookskates that if the kids feel bad from being smacked and don't say now that they might have longer term effects. I hope you have managed to find some resolution to your experience

My eldest is starting to agree with my partner and tells me to be more strict with my youngest and even smacks him himself

So now your kids are hitting each other...and why not? It's the example they've been set. Now your youngest lives with the threat of being hit by his father AND his older brother. How does your partner deal with the eldest hitting the youngest? Hitting him too?

This is why it's such bad, lazy and self indulgent parenting. There's no place in it for reason, self improvement or self control. It just stunts the growth process at "because hitting". If you read this thread back, you'll see that the hitters are the ones taking it all personally (because smacking is about indulging your personal feelings, not guiding and correcting your children), being abusive and lacking self awareness (did you see them accusing the non hitters of getting prickly, being insecure and having worrying outlooks?)
There's a reason for this.

You can't let this go on, with your little boy now being hit by not one but two bigger, older people. Hitting children is a serious issue. I'm not saying LTB, but you can't take it off the table as a possibility.

Also, what happens when your children are too old to be smacked? How do you discipline then?

As above, smacking isn't strict parenting. It's lazy parenting done by people who can't be bothered to engage their brain and put the effort in

It’s disgusting
It’s an abuse of power and an abuse of an innocent child’s unconditional love despite being hurt
It’s also a reach of trust and an admission that you cannot be fucked in deciding alternative coping methods as a decent parent and accountable human being

It is regressive and outmoded and a relic at odds with the other ways in which rightly we seek to acknowledge the rights of children

It's physical abuse. You wouldn't tolerate it if your partner started smacking you so why tolerate him abusing your children?
It solves nothing and teaches violence. Please educate him.

@thesebootsaremadeforawalking

meanwhile, in the real world, it's not about abusing your children and banning critical thinking and personality Does anyone believe any of that crap.

parents who discipline their children when needed tend to have a lot more rounded, happy and successful children, which is probably why insults are being thrown so much.

Children don't need punishment
sums it up really. We have all met one of these little darlings who could do no wrong in the eyes of their parents.

To be so prickly you must be REALLY insecure about your own parenting skills.

Do you have any evidence for these assertions? or is this just your opinion?

I will reiterate, I haven't used punishment. I have though taken every opportunity as its arisen to explore issues and instill the values I consider important. I have also been very deliberate in finding opportunity to discuss values, morals and ideas, and to ask them questions to get them to examine their own behaviour and to understand for themselves what thinking underpins their choices. I have very deliberately and consciously thought about what I want to achieve when I've started a conversation with them. I am very secure in my ability to parent. That's why I 'parent' other people's children when they come into care. My employer believes I'm competent too!

Many of our own boundaries are personal and arbitrary. Those that are not tend to be enacted as law, or are socially mediated and we observe them in order to be accepted. But all of us have our own expectations, many that are arbitrary. Whilst I may allow swearing, but not permit hitting people, you may (in fact you do) permit violence but disallow swearing. I swear, so I have no issue with my children swearing. I do not swear at people or name call, or hit. Therefore I have an expectation that my children don't. But you hit smaller weaker people when one of your (often arbitrary) rules is broken, so is it ok for your DC to do likewise? if not, why not?

Excellent post @MiniTheMinx

I absolutely detest the smacking of children. I see it as a complete loss of control and a crap example to set for children.

No child should every feel worried about being hurt by their care givers.

My husband has smacked our child before and it caused me to actually question our relationship for 3 days! It is a hard no from me.

Children don't need punishment
sums it up really. We have all met one of these little darlings who could do no wrong in the eyes of their parents.

There's a HUGE difference between punishment and discipline. Punishment invokes shame, guilt and other negative emotions which cause self hatred and loathing. They create fear and any 'good' behaviour cones from fear of the conveniences, not a natural desire to be better.

Discipline teaches alternative ways to deal with situations. Uses natural consequences and natural-adjacent conveniences to aid critical thinking and learning taking in to consideration motivation for behaviours and age appropriateness.

Children really don’t need punishments. That doesn’t mean you let them do what the hell they want.
There are ways to teach, guide and discipline children that doesn’t need any punishments whatsoever.

I wasn't against smacking when raising my first son in the 70s, but I realised very soon, that it just didn't work, so didn't do it after he was about 4. He and his brother remembered my ' creative' punishments as being far worse, having to write a confession and apology and deliver it by hand to a shopkeeper in whose shop he had dropped a stinkbomb at the age of 9 or 10, was counted as the worst! Also cutting the plug off the television, when they had watched it past the allowed time repeatedly.

The word itself has issues for me or rather the usage of the word. A large adult hand administering what they consider to be a smack to a small child is hideous and extremely difficult to judge. Call it physical punishment or beating.