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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate smacking?

196 replies

Calmorfirm · 22/12/2020 20:52

I hate the idea if smacking children
My parents did it to me and my siblings and I hated it and my partner does it to our children and I hate it when it happens
It seems like the person who is doing it has lost control...is it ok for parents to still smack their kids these days?

OP posts:
SweetPetrichor · 22/12/2020 21:29

Meh, my parents smacked me when I was bad...I don’t think it matters. I hate the nonsense about getting down on their level. Children should do as they’re told, plain and simple. A thump as needed worked for me...and I don’t think my parents were unkind. They’re great!

But I don’t have kids, so thankfully I don’t have to deal with them.

SandAndFog · 22/12/2020 21:37

I was delighted when it was made illegal where I live. Hitting is lazy parenting and should be illegal everywhere

WarrickDavisAsPlates · 22/12/2020 21:51

Children shouldn't be taught to blindly comply with authority or risk physical violence. You're meant to be raising adults who can navigate the world not beating children into submission.

I always wonder how parents who smack would react if another adult smacked their child, or their child turned around and smacked a younger child. Can they not see the message they are sending is that you can use violence to get your own way.

I assume @SweetPetrichor is some sort of troll, or being sarcastic, as surely nobody can think that "thumping" children is acceptable and that their parents raised them well with that mindset.

AIMD · 22/12/2020 21:58

I don’t think smacking is ok.
I think it only ever shows that a parent has either a fundamental misunderstanding about what helps children develop well or they have reached the end of their tether and hot out in anger/frustration.

I’ve not ever smacked my kids, but I have been rougher with them than was necessary.

RememberSelfCompassion · 22/12/2020 22:14

I dont think being made to sit at a table until you've eaten a meal you don't like is great parenting either tbh...

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 22/12/2020 22:19

RememberSelfCompassion my point is, parents reprimand their children, another adult shouldn’t reprimand another adult so the comparison is pointless. I don’t expect my husband to take away my phone if I’m on it too long.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 22/12/2020 22:21

but I have been rougher with them than was necessary sounds more worrying than a smack tbh

Whatwouldscullydo · 22/12/2020 22:27

I dont agree with smacking children. How can you teach them not to hit others then hit them.

But I was also smacked as a child. Frankly the thought of being smacked was enough to get you to behave. Far more effective than losing an ipad for a day or two...seemed to instill good behaviour and manners far quicker than the more accepted forms of discipline now. I think I'm actually grateful fir it.

And yes I know those two points contradict eachother

AIMD · 22/12/2020 22:28

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

but I have been rougher with them than was necessary sounds more worrying than a smack tbh
Suppose it does sound worrying without context and because you don’t know me or my kids.

All I meant by that was things like today my son went towards a road as a lorry was coming, I ended up literally having to shout for him to stop (he’s 6 and usually excellent but the road/path didn’t have a clear distinction). As I got to him he started wandering towards the road again as a car was coming so I took his hand and held it right as we walked across the road when it was eventually quiet. I didn’t crush his fingers or hurt him, but in retrospect I wish I’d stopped spoken to him and held his hand more gently as we crossed.

Doris86 · 22/12/2020 22:51

There is absolutely no excuse for smacking. If the only way a parent can control their child is by hitting them, then they need to take a long hard look at themselves.

PrincessNutNutRoast · 22/12/2020 22:54

Yes, I hate it. Shitty parenting at best. I am most definitely damaged by it. I remember re enacting it by hitting my teddy and then crying because I loved him and didn't want to hit him but that was apparently what good mummies and daddies did.

Fuck it all. I can't believe some people still need to be told this.

WarrickDavisAsPlates · 22/12/2020 23:24

@Whatwouldscullydo

I dont agree with smacking children. How can you teach them not to hit others then hit them.

But I was also smacked as a child. Frankly the thought of being smacked was enough to get you to behave. Far more effective than losing an ipad for a day or two...seemed to instill good behaviour and manners far quicker than the more accepted forms of discipline now. I think I'm actually grateful fir it.

And yes I know those two points contradict eachother

I was also smacked as a child and definitely didn't learn how to behave because of it.

All I learnt was that my parents would hit me when I didn't do what they wanted. I didn't learn anything about why a certain behaviour was wrong or how I should behave in general. I just got sneakier with doing whatever I wanted and learnt that you can't trust anyone not to hurt you.

Whatwouldscullydo · 22/12/2020 23:33

I was also smacked as a child and definitely didn't learn how to behave because of it

I won't ever know if things could he achieved in other ways. I look at some of the ways other kids misbehave now and I simultaneously think , my dad would have slapped me for that , and I'm so glad my parents taught me better than that. I kinda worry if that hadn't happened woukd I still be me if that makes any sense...

Its a very weird thought process I know...

thetoughhaveleft · 22/12/2020 23:35

If a "partner" of mine laid a finger one my children OP, he would be a partner no more. Why are you putting up with it?

WeWantTheFinestWines · 22/12/2020 23:39

Why is hitting called something different when it's done to children? Calling it smacking doesn't make it any more acceptable. Everyone knows hitting an adult is wrong. How can hitting a child not be even more wrong? Thankfully it's illegal in many countries. The sooner that's the case in England, the better.

june2007 · 23/12/2020 00:02

Their was a comic on britains got talent. He talked about when he was a tean trying to sneak home late, and how he got such a beating. It was meant to be a joke nd I think had cultural connotations but to me it wasn,t funny. (Alisha thought it was very funny.)

thelegohooverer · 23/12/2020 07:28

In moments of stress we tend to fall back on learned patterns. I was smacked growing up and it’s not how I want to raise my dc. I’m raising them to be respectful, not to fear me.

But I have smacked them, as toddlers, and there are times when I itch to smack them. It’s very, very hard to shift away from the patterns imprinted by our own childhoods.

You have to replace it with something else. When my dc were little and I was trying hard not to be like my own dps, I shouted a lot. That wasn’t any better. Nor are naughty steps or abandoning your dc by themselves.

I had to educate myself to learn how to get ahead of challenging behaviour, how to raise my expectations of them, how to set them up for success. It’s bloody hard work. But, having been raised the way I was, I wouldn’t have seen where and how to intervene without a lot of reading.

I’m not convinced that smacking is the worst kind of punishment, but many parents need more help to shift out of a punishment style of discipline than just being told not to smack.

PrincessNutNutRoast · 23/12/2020 07:29

@Whatwouldscullydo

I was also smacked as a child and definitely didn't learn how to behave because of it

I won't ever know if things could he achieved in other ways. I look at some of the ways other kids misbehave now and I simultaneously think , my dad would have slapped me for that , and I'm so glad my parents taught me better than that. I kinda worry if that hadn't happened woukd I still be me if that makes any sense...

Its a very weird thought process I know...

If they're old enough to be reasoned with, you reason with them (and if they're not, slapping them won't help because they can't reason why it's happened). It's natural not to want to find fault with people you love and to absorb what they tell you about why they were being so good to hit you, but it's bullshit nonetheless. Hitting children is wrong. In my case, it encouraged my siblings and me to hit each other. Why not? It was normal, seen as a good thing, even.
Washimal · 23/12/2020 07:47

Why is hitting called something different when it's done to children? Calling it smacking doesn't make it any more acceptable.

I completely agree.

I am a safeguarding lead in a school and on many occasions children have tearfully disclosed to me that their parents "hit" them, that they find it stressful and humiliating and that they want someone to make it stop, only to be told by the parents that it's "just a smack" and it's "only as a last resort" and "I was smacked as a child and it never did me any harm". I would argue that if you have grown up to believe that it's acceptable to raise your hand to a defenceless child in anger then it clearly did harm you! I find it appalling that UK law supports these parents, unless they leave a visible injury or hit the child with an implement it's completely legal to hit a child half your size but let's all call it a "smack" to delude ourselves that it's fine. We are so behind other countries on this issue.

It is ludicrous that children are not afforded the same legal protection from assault as adults when they are smaller, more vulnerable and less able to seek support for themselves.

Washimal · 23/12/2020 07:54

I’m not convinced that smacking is the worst kind of punishment, but many parents need more help to shift out of a punishment style of discipline than just being told not to smack.

I think it's both, they should be told that smacking is unacceptable and be supported to learn more positive ways to manage behaviour. There is so much help available now. Many local councils offer free online parenting courses on their websites, schools can refer parents to a Family Support Worker who will advise on strategies for managing behaviour and often have their own Pastoral staff who are trained in PACE/Triple P parenting or similar. There is a huge amount of free information available online about positive parenting, understanding the adolescent brain and how to manage challenging behaviour in younger children. Unfortunately many parents don't want to engage with this and can't be compelled to unless their child is on a Child Protection plan.

PrincessNutNutRoast · 23/12/2020 07:58

@Washimal

Why is hitting called something different when it's done to children? Calling it smacking doesn't make it any more acceptable.

I completely agree.

I am a safeguarding lead in a school and on many occasions children have tearfully disclosed to me that their parents "hit" them, that they find it stressful and humiliating and that they want someone to make it stop, only to be told by the parents that it's "just a smack" and it's "only as a last resort" and "I was smacked as a child and it never did me any harm". I would argue that if you have grown up to believe that it's acceptable to raise your hand to a defenceless child in anger then it clearly did harm you! I find it appalling that UK law supports these parents, unless they leave a visible injury or hit the child with an implement it's completely legal to hit a child half your size but let's all call it a "smack" to delude ourselves that it's fine. We are so behind other countries on this issue.

It is ludicrous that children are not afforded the same legal protection from assault as adults when they are smaller, more vulnerable and less able to seek support for themselves.

Yep.

I was smacked as a child and it absolutely did me harm. Huge amounts of harm.

Blacktothepink · 23/12/2020 07:59

I hate it, both dh and I we’re walloped as kids and neither of us smack the dcs.

Givemeabreak88 · 23/12/2020 08:01

I think more people smack than openly admit. It’s just because of how these threads go I think people are to afraid to say.

I agree with this, pretty much everyone I know irl smacks or has at some point anyway. I can’t get worked up by it. I was smacked as a child (not often) and I am not affected by it at all.

swansongs · 23/12/2020 08:10

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

I was smacked and don’t think it left me scarred or scared. Smacking imo isn’t lashing out, isn’t beating or slapping- when I was younger I was warned and then told that I would be smacked on my bum, it wasn’t an uncontrolled action, it was a form of punishment. Not advocating it but there is a difference.
Agree^
LouiseTrees · 23/12/2020 08:14

@Calmorfirm

Agreed that it isn't a good example to set for kids I am very calm and against any kind of physical violence but can understand why people lose their temper when it all gets too much My partner had an upbringing that was similar to my own where parents had high expectations of kids and if you were 'out of line' you pretty much expected a telling off or a beating

Compared to how me and my partner were disciplined the kids are generally outspoken and free spirited, but I do worry that the smacking will harm them in the future. My partner doesn't seem to mind and thinks I am too soft on them

It’s possible both are true. He’s too harsh and should never hit and your too soft and won’t shout at them? But yeh smacking is actually illegal in Scotland so that shows the perception of it here.