To hate smacking?

[Calmorfirm]

I hate the idea if smacking children
My parents did it to me and my siblings and I hated it and my partner does it to our children and I hate it when it happens
It seems like the person who is doing it has lost control...is it ok for parents to still smack their kids these days?

I was beaten up so many times by my mother, it all blurs into one. It has resulted in me going NC with my mother and now also with my sister as it turns out she judges me for going NC with our 'poor' mother who 'wasn't abusive', she just made mistakes sometimes (like dragging me by the hair over the floor, strangling me etc) but 'if I hadn't been so difficult it wouldn't have happened'. My mother was a narcissistic bully who was unable to control her temper and the result was years of therapy for me and having lost both a mother and a sister who normalised the abuse and blamed me for it. My sister believes hitting children is ok and fails to see the reason I was 'difficult' (shouting back when my mother lost her temper again and again) is because how she 'brought us up'. So many people fail to see the distinction between discipline and abuse. It ruined my childhood and will give me flashbacks and feelings of guilt (was it my fault?) for the rest of my life.

@HitthatroadJack

PrincessNutNutRoast *Says the person who gave us, "You think you are perfect, pretty sure not everybody around you will agree."

My original point was that we all have different parenting views, YOU are the one who started insulting others. My reply was a mild comment to your nasty attacks.

I'm attacking smacking as weak, lazy, self indulgent and bad parenting because that is what I find it to be. and I am the one who turns it into a personal issue?

You COULD have chosen to demonstrate why and how you think alternatives are preferable to you, you chose to attack and insult others who disagree.

I believe and it has been proven that children need discipline, that it's ridiculous and inefficient to lecture a 2 year old about actions that could put his life in danger and that you adapt your parenting with each child and as they grow up...

The fact that you get into such a strop and are so abusive towards others makes me question how in real life you deal with your own children, if at all, if you cannot even keep your cool and nastiness on a simple internet thread. HTH

If your two year old can't comprehend that an action could kill him, then he can't comprehend that you will hit him for it. You would do better to keep a tight hold and eye on him to stop it from happening than hitting him and giving yourself parenting points for it. Should you cock this up, as parents sometimes do, then YOU are the one who needs to learn how to protect him better. Because if he could protect himself from your strikes, he could protect himself from, let me guess, Running Into The Road. At any rate, your stern tone and obvious disapproval should be all he needs to associate negativity with it. You don't need to hit him as well, so why would you want to?

I don't want the excellent posts on this thread from people explaining why smacking damaged them and is bad parenting to get lost in your red mist of insults and fury, so I will not fan it any further. Again, I'm quite confident that the exchange shows which of us - the hitter or the non-hitter - has anger problems on this issue.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

For those of you who were smacked and said it left you scared can I ask, were your parents otherwise nurturing and loving?

No. They weren't.

I hate smacking after being hit by my parents in anger many times as a child. I was upset for many years about the fact that it was never a controlled punishment - it was always, always a loss of control. I had a lot of counselling as a younger adult to deal with a strong believe I'd developed about being a fundamentally bad person, which I think was partly due to the hitting.

However, I will say that now I'm a parent I do understand a lot more about how and why my parents behaved as they did. I find parenting so challenging, and sometimes have to draw upon all my reserves of self-control. Yet I have an easier life in many ways than my parents did and I'm much more informed about positive ways of parenting and the impact past experiences can have on your parenting style. So whilst I will never condone what they did, I do feel more understanding for them now.

I was a couple of times. There was one time at 16 when my old man said he was going to give me "a clip round the ear". I snapped, told him if he did that, I'd break his nose. I was waiting for him to go mental, he just walked away. He never said it again.

Smacking is abusive. Anyone who tried to hit my children or any children in my presence would have me to deal with. It is unacceptable.

I received a few slaps, so did everybody around me. None of us is traumatised and we all come from great families, and are still close to our parents.

I don't actually have an issue with it, I was smacked as a child and don't believe done in the way my parents did it does any harm HOWEVER I do not smack my kids and neither does DH and if he did I would have a significant issue with it. Parenting has moved on and it is no longer appropriate.

@thesebootsaremadeforawalking

That’s how I feel about it. It was never because I didn’t understand the rules or what not.

I chose to ignore them because I was a little shit.

That’s how it goes in my house. We don’t just instantly smack the minute they do anything wrong.

Tablet time is taken away, they’re sat out, they’re told if they do it again or don’t stop it will be a smack as punishment. We’ve only ever done it twice to my daughter and three times to my son and they’re 7 and 5. By the time it gets to warning stage they know not to risk it. It’s not ideal but better than having out of control kids.

I actually think stuff others do is more harmful such as the constant screeching and shouting but no consequence, letting them stay on devices all day so you don’t have to actually parent them, shutting them in their rooms alone and scared, disengaged parents who don’t do reading or homework etc. Take them out but be on your phone all the time.

My kids are taken out every day for fresh air and exercise, we read together everyday, homework is done, arts and crafts, we play with the castles etc.

It’s just a tool in our box as a nuclear option. I agree it’s not ideal, but I can’t get to worked up over it as part as an overall parenting strategy.

I had to tell my husband not to do it. I wasn't smacked as, a child but he was and said it never did me any harm. I said it did because you think it's okay to hit a child.
He hasn't ever done it. It's not okay to hit your child.

No. It is most definitely not ok. Anytime my little boy misbehaves my mothers answer is to tell me ‘smacking never did you any harm’ when actually, it did. I will never raise a hand to my children.

I actually think stuff others do is more harmful such as....

Well this is debatable and depends on various factors, but it's only whataboutery anyway. Nobody denies there are lots of poor parenting choices but if your only justification is along the lines of "well I could be verbally abusing them or letting them fail at school", it's not a very convincing argument. The fact that your kids haven't "needed" smacking very much suggests to me that they would have responded to other methods, but that might have taken more time and effort.

My kids are taken out every day for fresh air and exercise, we read together everyday, homework is done, arts and crafts, we play with the castles etc.

You're supposed to do this.

I think it’s best to avoid/ ban smacking to avoid a grey area but I do not believe everyone who smacked was beating/ abusing their child- however it’s best for the safety of children to remove the ambiguity and just ban it.

there are enough threads and posts about parents stressed as hell, completely desperate and mortified about not handling the so-called "terrible 2", then 3, 4, 5, 12...

you make your own choices, but I find it difficult to believe the lack of discipline and authority (or the naughty step or whatever) is working out so very well for everybody, and that a tap on the bum or the hand (possibly face when they are older) is anywhere near as dramatic or harmful as some people pretend they are. Allowing things to escalate to a point when the parent is in tears is not healthy for anyone, when a bit of firmness would have been enough.

Parents make decision based on their own experience and what they believe is best for their child. Smacking is nowhere near justifying the hysteria you can read sometimes.

however it’s best for the safety of children to remove the ambiguity and just ban it.

I understand your point, but realistically, abusive parents won't suddenly stop being abusive because others are no longer allowed to slap their child.

It IS banned to abuse and beat your child up today! Sadly it's not stopping anyone.

@Jimdandy it is telling that you expect kudos for bog standard parenting. As if it is so amazing you bother to read to them that it somehow cancels out that you also hit them. It doesn't.

Allowing things to escalate to a point when the parent is in tears is not healthy for anyone, when a bit of firmness would have been enough.

A bit of "firmness" is promising a punishment and following through with it if necessary. Not resorting to physical harm.

Allowing things to escalate to a point when the parent is in tears is not healthy for anyone, when a bit of firmness would have been enough.

The firmness does not have to mean hitting (weird how much pro-smackers don't like that word) and the key point here is escalation. Smackers like to say that hitting children corrects behaviour. But this often betrays a misunderstanding of the holistic nature of parenting by which, with the right sort of approaches in general, you're less likely to reach a point where you feel smacking is the only answer anyway.

This is what I meant earlier when I mentioned smacking not occurring in a kind of silo. Parenting isn't like that. It's holistic and everything you do affects everything else. So if you smack, it's not a separate thing with no bearing on everything else you do, and vice versa: everything else you do affects whether you escalate to a stage where you think "hitting is all I can do". As the parent, it's your job to analyse the situation and how you can handle it better.

And I have never, ever known either a child or a parent to calm down as a result of the parent hitting the child.

Apart from that, plenty of people on these threads have made it clear that they ARE damaged by these "taps". It's possible that some children will grow up absolutely fine having been hit by their parents (although the kind of attitudes I've seen on this thread and other suggest that they wouldn't realise if they weren't), but given that so many wouldn't, and so many of the "fine" ones still find it problematic, why on earth would anyone take the risk?

As the parent, it's your job to analyse the situation and how you can handle it better.

and as parent I am confident that some situation deserve a quick and simple reaction and a small slap is the best and most efficient way to handle the situation.

No need for any escalation either way.

And I have never, ever known either a child or a parent to calm down as a result of the parent hitting the child.
you do seem to know A LOT of parents

@thesebootsaremadeforawalking

however it’s best for the safety of children to remove the ambiguity and just ban it.

I understand your point, but realistically, abusive parents won't suddenly stop being abusive because others are no longer allowed to slap their child.

It IS banned to abuse and beat your child up today! Sadly it's not stopping anyone.

No, it doesn't stop abuse. It does make it much harder to prove though - "reasonable chastisement" is really hard to disprove.

I really cannot understand how you didn't have this conversation before you had DC with him?? I made it clear to DH that I was totally against all smacking and to me it is child abuse. Luckily he agreed - or there would have been no marriage and no DC.

I would never, ever, tolerate a man hitting my children.

and as parent I am confident that some situation deserve a quick and simple reaction and a small slap is the best and most efficient way to handle the situation.

And what lesson is that teaching to your child? That if they head off to nursery they can smack younger children if they don't follow instructions playing a game? That if their future partner hits them it's the "best and most efficient way to handle the situation"?

Your actions do not exist in a vacuum, your child absorbs all of this experience and it will affect who they are in later life. Do you really want your child to have normalised violence? Because the times are changing, this is becoming quickly more illegal throughout the UK and I presume other countries, as it should be. Your actions will soon be criminal.

I really want us to follow the 53 countries where smacking is illegal. We are lagging behind on this and I want children to be protected from assault here too. 53 was in 2018 I think so might be more now

That if their future partner hits them it's the "best and most efficient way to handle the situation"?

if that's a lesson you end up giving your child, you have much worst problems than "smacking".

if that's a lesson you end up giving your child, you have much worst problems than smacking.

Smacking is a way of giving the lesson that violence can occur by people who love you and want what's best for you. Do you not see how that could become a problem, especially later in life?