To hate smacking?

[Calmorfirm]

I hate the idea if smacking children
My parents did it to me and my siblings and I hated it and my partner does it to our children and I hate it when it happens
It seems like the person who is doing it has lost control...is it ok for parents to still smack their kids these days?

That's not what it taught me at all I dont and won't smack my kids.

But at the time it was the norm so we didnt know any different

@Ginfordinner

Quite frankly, I am horrified that 17% of posters who have viewed this thread think it is OK to smack children

Agreed, and very few of them seem to have posted comments to defend their view.

I sometimes wonder if they're drawn to these threads...

YANBU

I have never smacked mine. How do you teach a child right and wrong by assaulting them?

Hitting your kids doesn't teach them ANYTHING apart from "you will get hit by a much larger person who is supposed to look out for you".

The poster who talked about running into the road (always running into the road! Amazing how many smacking parents are also incapable of keeping hold or control of their child around roads!) and lighting the stove didn't learn that those were bad things because she was hit for them, because that's not the reason they're bad things. They are bad things for entirely independent reasons. "Because you might get killed" or "because you might set fire to the house" are utterly different concepts to "because I will strike you". If you understand the first two concepts, it's not because of the lattermost one.

What it might teach you is just how angry it made your parents, but unfortunately that is also an entirely different concept that really, really shouldn't be confused with necessary correction...especially since it also teaches you that lashing out is ok if you're angry. Yeah, good one...

I remember running upstairs to try to get away, sobbing and begging my dad to stop. I remember going to school the next day with a handprint still visible on my skin this is horrendous and not my experience of smacking.
I’m not advocating smacking I’m just drawing a distinction between an abusive parent and those that in the 80s who used smacking as a form of punishment.
Smacking was for me a form of punishment with warning rather than a lashing out reaction from my parents. It was in no way a beating, was one tap
On the bum or legs, never with objects never more than one, never left a mark and never once I was over the age of 4. Also it wasn’t the default for every bit of bad behaviour.
I do think because many don’t use smacking in the same way it’s best just rule it out but I would in no way call my parents abusive.

Every parent think they are a perfect parent and that THEIR way is the only acceptable way.

Abuse is abuse, a bad relationship too. Despite what some posters are trying to pretend, there's a huge gap between being beaten up and getting a smack.

For all the abused children who are understandably against smacking, there are thousands coming from happy and respectful family who got a few slaps along the way, learned from them and that choice of discipline and grew up into perfectly functional, happy and settled adults.

The idea of lectures and parents rambling on for ages sounds a lot worst but hey ho.

NO ONE is going to change their opinion either way based on Mn thread

The idea of lectures and parents rambling on for ages sounds a lot worst but hey ho

With lectures id have just pointed out the contradictions or mis information.

Being sent to my room without dinner actually did me a favour. Especially if it was suet bacon pudding night.

If I had my books and the cat i didn't care I was in my room all day/evening.

We hardly ever had sweets or chocolate ir whatsoever to blackmail with and not as if there were ipads or computer games to confiscate. I didn't really play with toys either as being a girl I got given barbies and shit so removing those would have done nothing.

My brother used to throw massive tantrums and my mum used to have to dress him. I remember thinking good god just give him a smack and make him get dressed himself thats what you would have done with me.

I actually do not know what would have worked on me

there's a huge gap between being beaten up and getting a smack.

Sure, but the fact that you have to make the distinction that you're one of the good parents who doesn't hit their kids TOO HARD says quite a lot about this lazy, self-indulgent and crap form of parenting. (How do you judge the hardness of a blow to someone who's so much smaller than you?) Once you've opened the door to slapping when you're angry (and let's not pretend that's not what it comes down to, there are always too many "running into the road" defenders on these threads to claim otherwise), you're on a slippery slope. Why go on it at all?

Besides, it's pretty well documented that abuse victims have a tendency to downplay their experiences because of their loyalty to their abusers.

Do people really not realise that parenting is holistic and hitting your kids doesn't occur in a silo with no effect on everything else? Schools generally manage to discipline without hitting and in the comparatively unusual cases when it doesn't work, do people really think there are no complicating factors and if only you could hit these kids, everything would be fine?

If you can discipline your kids without hitting them, as most people do these days, why would you do otherwise?

So far we've managed to raise a child for 15 years without smacking. We don't see the need.

Sure, but the fact that you have to make the distinction that you're one of the good parents who doesn't hit their kids TOO HARD says quite a lot about this lazy, self-indulgent and crap form of parenting.

my point exactly. Everybody think THEY are the perfect parent and the judgement towards others is vile.

It's not about not hitting "too hard" but you know that, don't you....

If you can discipline your kids without hitting them, as most people do these days, why would you do otherwise?

You can't be so narrow-minded to imagine that parents with different views think in the line of "Oh, we are doing it so wrong, but we are doing it anyway, because we WANT to be shit parents" do you...

You think you are perfect, pretty sure not everybody around you will agree 🤷

Chose the parenting style you are comfortable with and you think is right, but that's what pretty much everybody else is doing.

It isn't just the force of the blow. It's the very concept of this huge person, who is supposed to guide and protect you, turning to hurt you instead that's frightening to a small child.

It's quite plainly and obviously possible to correct and guide children without hitting them. So why on earth would you?

You can't be so narrow-minded to imagine that parents with different views think in the line of "Oh, we are doing it so wrong, but we are doing it anyway, because we WANT to be shit parents" do you...

Of course not. I am saying that I hear their reasons for hitting, as I heard from my own parents, and they are crap reasons based in anger and laziness and lack of self control, and many children do find it damaging, and there can be no good reasons to take that risk. There are excellent alternatives that quite plainly work.

They're intelligent, thoughtful people who don't just give in to their angry impulses, right? They have deep, thoughtful reasons for hitting their kids, right? So they surely will have something better to give in response than "at least I'm not beating them senseless", "you're sanctimonious" and "you think you're perfect", right?

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

For those of you who were smacked and said it left you scared can I ask, were your parents otherwise nurturing and loving?

Generally, yes. I do have a very clear memory of running away from my dad crying because I knew he was going to smack my bum* though. I can't imagine doing that to my son. I also agree with this: * All I learnt was that my parents would hit me when I didn't do what they wanted. I didn't learn anything about why a certain behaviour was wrong or how I should behave in general. I just got sneakier with doing whatever I wanted and learnt that you can't trust anyone not to hurt you.

I was smacked as a child but it was ok because my parents loved me and it was for my own good, they were just teaching me a lesson.
What they taught me was that it's ok for someone to hit you as long as they love you. It took me a very long time to unlearn that lesson

So they surely will have something better to give in response than "at least I'm not beating them senseless", "you're sanctimonious" and "you think you're perfect", right?

you are trying to be so goady and twist every word to suit your little agenda but, despite what you try to portray, not everybody goes into a rage and start ranting or beating up everyone around them

You are not having a discussion, you are insulting everyone who doesn't agree. Says more about you than about me...

There are excellent alternatives that quite plainly work. you keep telling yourself that we will not all agree on the subject, and no one will change their mind anyway. I do feel sorry for some kids who have to put up with parents like you, but there you go.

He sounds like an abusive prick

• I remember running upstairs to try to get away, sobbing and begging my dad to stop. I remember going to school the next day with a handprint still visible on my skin this is horrendous and not my experience of smacking. I’m not advocating smacking I’m just drawing a distinction between an abusive parent and those that in the 80s who used smacking as a form of punishment*

Oh don't get me wrong, my parents wouldn't have been considered abusive at the time. Not at all. I actually remember showing the handprint on my skin to a friends mum and she said and did nothing. It wasn't unusual, and whilst they believed in hitting me and my sister, we also never went without anything. I have no doubt that those around us would have thought us to be well loved. But you're right. It is horrendous.

You are not having a discussion, you are insulting everyone who doesn't agree

Says the person who gave us, "You think you are perfect, pretty sure not everybody around you will agree."

I'm attacking smacking as weak, lazy, self indulgent and bad parenting because that is what I find it to be. The fact that you have nothing in response other than "you think you're perfect" and "you're being goady" indicates a) there's no good argument for hitting kids (who'd have thunk!) and b) you can't avoid turning the whole thing into a personal issue, most likely because smacking is about indulging one's person feelings.

Oh...

youkeep telling yourself that

Yes, sorry. THIS was a great, solid answer that absolutely sweeps away the concepts of time out and thinking chairs. Exactly the level of reason that I expect from a hitter or hitting apologist.

You probably don't realise this, but I do actually know I'm not going to change your mind, not least because you keep telling me: as per the smacking argument, your contribution is not about reason or correction or learning. What I do hope is that people who are lurking, and are open to thinking, will see the exchange and understand where I, and the other people who don't approve of hitting children, are coming from. It's for their benefit and, of course, their children's.

The readers can decide which of us has something worth saying and which of us is reducing this to personal insults.

I was smacked and I remember it very clearly still. I can't imagine ever thinking it was ok to impose physical pain on my child.

I also remember vividly being generally chastised about things that I did entirely innocently because I didn't understand 'the rules', I needed an explanation about why I shouldn't do something and not to be physically assaulted because I didn't know something.

Haha, I didn't even see the "I do feel sorry for some kids who have to put up with parents like you" comment from the poster complaining about personal insults. The only thing you know about my parenting is that I don't hit my kids...

PrincessNutNutRoast
*Says the person who gave us, "You think you are perfect, pretty sure not everybody around you will agree."

My original point was that we all have different parenting views, YOU are the one who started insulting others. My reply was a mild comment to your nasty attacks.

I'm attacking smacking as weak, lazy, self indulgent and bad parenting because that is what I find it to be. and I am the one who turns it into a personal issue?

You COULD have chosen to demonstrate why and how you think alternatives are preferable to you, you chose to attack and insult others who disagree.

I believe and it has been proven that children need discipline, that it's ridiculous and inefficient to lecture a 2 year old about actions that could put his life in danger and that you adapt your parenting with each child and as they grow up...

The fact that you get into such a strop and are so abusive towards others makes me question how in real life you deal with your own children, if at all, if you cannot even keep your cool and nastiness on a simple internet thread. HTH

Would it be ok to hit an adult with a learning disability or dementia in order to stop them behaving in a certain way?