To hate smacking?

[Calmorfirm]

I hate the idea if smacking children
My parents did it to me and my siblings and I hated it and my partner does it to our children and I hate it when it happens
It seems like the person who is doing it has lost control...is it ok for parents to still smack their kids these days?

Do you not see how that could become a problem, especially later in life?

context is everything.

Most normal people can perfectly see the difference between normal and reasonable discipline of a child, and a father punching their mother in the face.

Accusing parents who chose stricter mode of discipline of abusing their children is a step too far, and a ridiculous one.

and as parent I am confident that some situation deserve a quick and simple reaction and a small slap is the best and most efficient way to handle the situation.

It's the easiest and most immediately satisfying for you, but that's something else. It does not provide a "learning moment", it is extremely open to abuse and you cannot know the effect it is having on your child.

you do seem to know A LOT of parents.

I do, yes. Was this meant to be an insult somehow? "You sound as if you've seen a lot of evidence for your position"?

And my personal lived experience is that the smackers are, overall, less good at it. Not just because they hit their children (obviously). I just find that the smacking attitude usually seems to go alongside an authoritarian position whereby the parent is more concerned with face saving and point scoring than correction for the child's benefit (this tends to become more apparent as the child enters adolescence, but you see the seeds in the early hitting). They are less patient and less emotionally aware. It's not, as I say, in a silo; it tends to be indicative of something that pervades throughout.

It sounds as though you want to make out that I'm claiming you and the others all beat your children senseless, even though nobody on this thread has said any such thing. But I do think that if someone feels a need to make this distinction, as well as bring up ordinary everyday parenting activities as some kind of attempted counterbalance, it's not a ringing endorsement of the method.

Most normal people can perfectly see the difference between normal and reasonable discipline of a child, and a father punching their mother in the face.

No, normal and reasonable discipline would be taking away an iPad, or giving a child a time-out to calm down. Not hurting them to teach them a lesson.

If violence worked in stopping bad behaviour, wouldn't we just start hitting criminal offenders in hopes that they would change their behaviour? And if you're about to say, "that wouldn't work because children are more malleable" then I hope you can understand how children would also be more malleable to normalising violence.

Smacking is violence against children.

Let us call it by what it is.
IMO it is never acceptable.

The point of parenting is not to scare or bully your children into doing "the right thing". It's to teach them why they should do the right thing and how to go about it. All hitting does is teaching them to conform to authority or risk physical harm.

t's the easiest and most immediately satisfying for you,

you think disciplining your child is SATISFYING? I genuinely can't figure out if you are goady or have a very worrying vision of things.

@thesebootsaremadeforawalking

t's the easiest and most immediately satisfying for you,

you think disciplining your child is SATISFYING? I genuinely can't figure out if you are goady or have a very worrying vision of things.

Why else would you hit your child? It isn't necessary for discipline, so you must get something out of it. Otherwise, why would you do it?

you think disciplining your child is SATISFYING? I genuinely can't figure out if you are goady or have a very worrying vision of things.

Hitting your kids is loss of control, so I imagine to those who would think it was okay to do so they would consider it satisfying to release their anger and hurt them. I can't understand any other reason for doing it, because it's not a long-term effective punishment.

Unless on the other hand, you truly think smacking is a calculated and preconceived idea of punishment, in which case there are a whole lot more issues to unpack there.

Why else would you hit your child? It isn't necessary for discipline, so you must get something out of it. Otherwise, why would you do it?

you people are sick, this thread is getting too weird.

I was naively talking seriously.

My parents were too heavy handed when it came to smacking.

One year my sibling was hit and you could see the handprint and it had to be cooled down.

Another time my parent went to smack me and missed, they fractured their hand.

It is not right, also illegal where I live now.

you people are sick, this thread is getting too weird.

We're sick? You're advocating for hitting children!

Any form of punishment is an abuse of power. Any physical act that makes contact with another causing pain or distress is violence. Neither are acceptable.

I have never had to punish my DC. They have never done so much as repeated any wrong thing. From day one I have sat down with them and we have discussed what the problem is, the natural law of consequences, and what might be a better idea.

So many times I read parents who justify smacking, removal of property, time out etc by saying their child was repeatedly warned. Why? you have never ever got over to the child why they should stop, never given them the opportunity to work it out using reason, just repeatedly threatened sanctions.

I've lost count of the times I've heard "i only slap them when they've done xyz for the millionth time" or "I slap them when they keep being naughty" ........if these methods worked they would have already resolved the behaviour that you argue justify the violence.

@thesebootsaremadeforawalking

t's the easiest and most immediately satisfying for you,

you think disciplining your child is SATISFYING? I genuinely can't figure out if you are goady or have a very worrying vision of things.

Haha, yes, my non-violent outlook is the worrying one. Such righteous horror. Try reading the post you quoted. I said satisfying for YOU.

And I meant it. Many smackers justify it by saying they "just snapped", which is close enough to satisfaction in my book: an immediate sense of relief in having succumbed to one's anger. Of course, it bypasses and ruins an opportunity to lead your child by example in anger management, but that's not what smacking is about.

@thesebootsaremadeforawalking

Why else would you hit your child? It isn't necessary for discipline, so you must get something out of it. Otherwise, why would you do it?

you people are sick, this thread is getting too weird.

I was naively talking seriously.

I'm not the one who hits my children - that is sick.

I have never had to punish my DC. They have never done so much as repeated any wrong thing. From day one I have sat down with them and we have discussed what the problem is, the natural law of consequences, and what might be a better idea.

I actually agree with this. I mentioned the "taking away the iPad" example above as a form of punishment, but I think open communication is much more effective and healthy, and instils morality within children rather than just rule following. I know when I was young I respected adults that treated me as a "grownup" (within reason) and explained their concerns much much more than those who tried to punish me.

@carnations23

My parents were too heavy handed when it came to smacking.

One year my sibling was hit and you could see the handprint and it had to be cooled down.

Another time my parent went to smack me and missed, they fractured their hand.

It is not right, also illegal where I live now.

I bet you anything they would describe it as a "tap".

So now the hitter is telling us we are the sick ones and feigning incomprehension at our depravity. I told you I didn't find these people to be very emotionally aware.

There was also an abusive poster earlier (the most egregious post has since been deleted but the others still stand) who was hurling all sorts of furious personal insults at me for criticising smacking. Not being funny, but like I said....this is the kind of thing I expect. It's simply not a parenting choice that tends to come about as a result of introspection, deep thought, self control and a holistic understanding of parenting.

It's simply not a parenting choice that tends to come about as a result of introspection, deep thought, self control and a holistic understanding of parenting.

Yes, exactly. I've never met a person who hits their children that values their children's intentions and personal growth more than they value being seen as an authoritarian figure. It's just an abuse of power - taking out your frustration on those who can't fight back.

Nope I don’t agree with it. The worst are people who say “well I was smacked and I turned out fine”.
For me, it teaches children that physical violence is okay. That if someone does something you don’t agree with, you get to give them a smack.
To me it seems like some adults out there love doing to children what they wouldn’t like done to themselves. If you made a mistake at work, and snapped at someone trying to help you, just out of frustration, you wouldn’t expect their reaction to be to whack you one. So why is it okay to do that to children?

@HeadNorth

It isn't ok where I live, hitting children is illegal in Scotland.

Yes, the first part of the UK to do so. “There is no such thing as a loving smack.”

I see a thread has popped up with an OP inviting chastisement (or something) because her 11 year old remembers being hit 5 years ago and how sad and scared he felt. I'm not going to give her a kicking, but yeah, it really is better not to do it.

@HeadNorth - I actually don’t care what your opinion is

I am just explaining by viewpoint of part a bigger picture and I think there’s other things that are more harmful when you look at the bigger picture.

But we can agree to disagree clearly neither of us will change our views.

Yes, I've seen that thread too Princess. I'm not going to say anything on there as you can tell she feels shame and it would be goady to invite myself on, but there are various reasons to not hit or advocate for hitting children.

I am just explaining by viewpoint of part a bigger picture and I think there’s other things that are more harmful when you look at the bigger picture.

Right, but you can use this argument with lots of things. If someone were to slap me it would be less harmful than if they stabbed me, but it would still be violent and illegal. Spanking is abuse (at least where I am) and so the argument of "there are worse things to do to your children" is null and void in that context. You're still doing a morally wrong thing.

Word of warning OP your kids may judge you too when they grow up.

My dad smacked, mum didn't. But she didnt defend us, comfort us etc. I didnt even know until adulthood that she hated him smacking us. Shame she didn't open her mouth back then because my respect for her is nearly as low as it is for the scumbag that hit me.