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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate smacking?

196 replies

Calmorfirm · 22/12/2020 20:52

I hate the idea if smacking children
My parents did it to me and my siblings and I hated it and my partner does it to our children and I hate it when it happens
It seems like the person who is doing it has lost control...is it ok for parents to still smack their kids these days?

OP posts:
swansongs · 23/12/2020 08:15

I was smacked once or twice as a child. Both times for things that could have killed me or my family (running out in the street; lighting a fire on the stove). Both left a lasting impression of the the severity of what I had done. I guess smacking was the 'nuclear option' - rarely done but it made a big impression when it happened. Have followed the same with my children - I think I've smacked each of them once or twice, obviously not hard at all.

Teach234 · 23/12/2020 08:17

It's horrific. Anyone thinks it's an acceptable form of discipline for their child needs to go on a parenting course. You wouldn't assault someone in the street so don't assault your own children

zigaziga · 23/12/2020 08:17

if your husband didn’t let you leave the table until you finished a meal you said you didn’t like it would be called abuse too- can’t compare apples and oranges
Yes but not letting children leave the table is also a practice in the most part consigned to history isn’t it? I think it’s awful parenting and I don’t know a single parent of children now that does it.
My parents did it to me however. I think it was quite common back then. Same as smacking.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 23/12/2020 08:18

I was hit with the hairbrush / remot / wooden spoon and I while I know it happened I don't remember it or remember being scared. I remember being naughty 😂 its had no impact on me. I don't smack my kids though.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 23/12/2020 08:19

Remote

RosesforMama · 23/12/2020 08:22

I don't think smacking is acceptable
I also don't think it's worse than certain types of shouting. Any one who yells at their toddler that they are a little shit or a fucking bastard or whatever but congratulates themselves for not smacking is fooling themself about the harm they are inflicting.
Any discipline that instills shame or disgust in the child at who they are rather than what they did is immensely damaging.

LadyLazaruss · 23/12/2020 08:27

I don't really know. I was hit by my mother (I won't say smacked because it was worse than that) and it most definitely scared me into behaving correctly. But it also made me grow up as quite an angry and volatile person, who saw violence as a way to deal with confrontation (though that was probably also down to growing up with a family who used violence like that). So all in all, whilst it made me behave correctly, it did mess me up well and proper. :/

PrincessNutNutRoast · 23/12/2020 08:29

@swansongs

I was smacked once or twice as a child. Both times for things that could have killed me or my family (running out in the street; lighting a fire on the stove). Both left a lasting impression of the the severity of what I had done. I guess smacking was the 'nuclear option' - rarely done but it made a big impression when it happened. Have followed the same with my children - I think I've smacked each of them once or twice, obviously not hard at all.
If you could understand the severity of what you'd done, it was entirely unnecessary to hit you to communicate it.

Stop hitting your own kids.

PrincessNutNutRoast · 23/12/2020 08:30

@RosesforMama

I don't think smacking is acceptable I also don't think it's worse than certain types of shouting. Any one who yells at their toddler that they are a little shit or a fucking bastard or whatever but congratulates themselves for not smacking is fooling themself about the harm they are inflicting. Any discipline that instills shame or disgust in the child at who they are rather than what they did is immensely damaging.
But we don't tend to get people saying it's ok to scream at your kids that they are little shits and it never did them any harm and it's all right if you snapped or they ran into the road and and and and. It's generally understood to be shit parenting that needs correcting.
Requinblanc · 23/12/2020 08:34

What would happen if an adult randomly decided to 'smack' you because they were angry with you/wanted to teach you a lesson? they would be arrested (and rightly so), yet some people feel it is OK to do this to a child who can't hit back/protect themselves.

Smacking is simply hitting another human being and it is wrong.

People who do this to children can't control their emotions and instead take it out on their kids and try to pretend it is all about discipline...

swansongs · 23/12/2020 08:36

@PrincessNutNutRoast I didn't understand the severity of what I'd done UNTIL I was smacked!

Gosh, these smacking threads bring out the sanctimonious crowd.

PrincessNutNutRoast · 23/12/2020 08:40

[quote swansongs]@PrincessNutNutRoast I didn't understand the severity of what I'd done UNTIL I was smacked!

Gosh, these smacking threads bring out the sanctimonious crowd.[/quote]
If your only answer to "stop hitting children" is "eeeeer, so sanctimonious", then I doubt you learned much at all. If I were to hit you over this discussion, would you take it as a way of understanding my point?

Hitting a child doesn't teach them anything other than "you get hit for this". There were more natural consequences that could have provided a "teaching moment". You say it's left a lasting impression, and it has, but your justification is an adult perspective. And "soooooo sanctimonious, not hitting children!"

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 23/12/2020 08:44

If you disagree with smacking, why are you still with him?

I was smacked as a child and it’s awful. I would never do it to a child ever.

If a partner does something wrong it would be illegal to hit them so the laws need to change to include children. As an adult I can choose who I have contact with and protect myself, children can’t do that in the main.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 23/12/2020 08:44

I do not and would never smack my DC , for me it isn't logical my DC will repeat behaviour if they don't understand why they shouldn't do it. How does smacking teach them why they shouldn't do the action? It doesn't, it says no in a way they can't ask any questions. Even belying the fact I spend my life trying to make my DC feel happy and safe so I don't want to undermine that by using force,it doesn't seem to be effective.

DP was smacked with wooden spoons as a child and he doesn't se either as horrifically as I do and doesn't get the irony that he says he was out of control as a 5 year old Hmm. My ds2 is 5 , I've asked him before is there any way he could consider hitting ds2 and DP looks at me horrified and says absolutely not , he's tiny and I'm 3 times his size , I could never hit him. He doesnt see the connection.

Anyone caring for my DC (exdh , DP, mil etc) know firmly that they raise a hand , ever ,in any way to DC and the response will be nuclear, DP would be asked to leave for good and the others I would go stop contact instantly.

I have had to leave the room before when they were truly pushing buttons , but that's the point, walk away , calm down deal with it properly.

OldLang · 23/12/2020 08:51

Ah yes, that old 'be violent to teach them a lesson' Hmm OP, your 'D'P is abusive to vulnerable people who cannot defend themselves and you facilitate that happening. HTH

Call me "sanctimonious" if you like, however, answering a question asked by OP is hardly making a show of moral superiority.

Jimdandy · 23/12/2020 08:57

I never buy the argument “you wouldn’t hit another adult” there’s lots of things I wouldn’t do to another adult, because I’m not their parent.

I wouldn’t insist they are healthy food, limited their screen time, went to bed at a certain time, I wouldn’t ensure they were fed, clothed and educated.

If I had issues with another adult, I wouldn’t hit them because I could stop being friends/associate with them, if I was arguing with them I could walk away, so on and so forth.

Being a parent is a unique relationship and not comparable to anything else.

It’s fair enough to be against smacking for whatever reason, but nonsensical comparisons are just silly!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 23/12/2020 09:12

For those of you who were smacked and said it left you scared can I ask, were your parents otherwise nurturing and loving?

Planet42 · 23/12/2020 09:16

I have friends who have smacked their dcs on a rare occasion. We were talking about it as they felt bad and as you say op, like they’d lost control. I’m not going to condemn them for that but I think that’s different to a father who regularly smacks their dc as a standard reaction.
We all know it’s wrong and if it’s a regular occurrence then that needs to be stopped.

LadyLazaruss · 23/12/2020 09:19

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

For those of you who were smacked and said it left you scared can I ask, were your parents otherwise nurturing and loving?
My mother (DF never hit me but lived abroad) definitely loves me, but she was not a normal, nurturing parent, no.
PrincessNutNutRoast · 23/12/2020 09:19

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

For those of you who were smacked and said it left you scared can I ask, were your parents otherwise nurturing and loving?
Why is that relevant?

It's an independently poor parenting choice. You might ameliorate it by being an otherwise decent parent, or aggravate it by other forms of bad parenting, but it's still a poor parenting choice that should be consigned to the dustbin of history.

Would you ask this question of people who were damaged by their parents screaming at them that they are little shits?

Morana23 · 23/12/2020 09:21

I was smacked as a child, I was terrified of my dad and it caused me a great deal of harm. I self harmed a lot through my teenage years and would count down the days until I could leave. Didn't speak to my dad for 5 years. I would never smack my own children.

zigaziga · 23/12/2020 09:23

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

For those of you who were smacked and said it left you scared can I ask, were your parents otherwise nurturing and loving?
Mine were otherwise nurturing and loving and I probably got smacked once or twice a year. It didn’t leave me scared at all but I just hated my parents in those moments and I don’t forgive them. When I was smacked I would impose my own secret punishment on them - I remember not talking to my Dad for a month when I was 7 for instance. By the end of the month he was bringing home different small gifts for me every day after work. I dint think be joined the dots that that’s why I wasn’t speaking to him. It really hurt him me just shutting down against him and I was very conscious of that but I guess I felt like I couldn’t really love someone who smacked me. We aren’t particularly close. I think my parents, in particular my Dad, think they were great parents and I don’t think they really see how we are not particularly close. If they do see it I think they probably attribute it to other reasons whereas I could list you the reasons I am petty ambivalent about my parents and being smacked would be number 1 on the list.
Ginfordinner · 23/12/2020 09:27

Quite frankly, I am horrified that 17% of posters who have viewed this thread think it is OK to smack children Shock

Whatwouldscullydo · 23/12/2020 09:32

There were ways my parents could have been better but it obviously could have also been alot worse.

I am grateful for being brought up to be taught better than some of the kids I've met over the years. My brother also used to beat me up but they were stricter with me than with him and I kinda saw his behaviour a consequence of letting things slide if that makes sense. Inwas able to see the injustice of it though whilst also not sure he had the better deal either.

I do know it could all have been much much worse. I mean I was fed clothed loved , clean and I had what I needed if not what I wanted.

I was probably a bit if a strange chikd though. I questioned everything in my head I was and still am somewhat of an over thinker ? If something was daft ir unfair or disnt make sense id say so. I probably drove them crazy. No wonder they needed to teach me when to shut up ajd do as I was told Blush

thetoughhaveleft · 23/12/2020 09:33

The "it didn't do me any harm" brigade seem to entirely miss the point that it appears to have taught them that hitting small children is both normal and a good idea.

I was hit (let's call it what it was) as a child. I remember running upstairs to try to get away, sobbing and begging my dad to stop. I remember going to school the next day with a handprint still visible on my skin. No one batted an eye (this was the very early 80s where it was very common). I would never and have never hit my children. They know only love from my hands and they will never run in fear from me.