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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend doesn't want a baby until he's 30.

182 replies

Improbablyinreasonable · 22/12/2020 15:37

Hi,
I'm 27 and my boyfriend is 24.
We have been together 2 years.

I've been on the pill since we met and we never used condoms, we relied on the pill.
I got caught in September and was pregnant.
Boyfriend didn't want to keep the baby but I wasn't 100%. But I guess I was around 7 weeks (judging by period) and it ended in a miscarriage anyway.
Boyfriend has a very well paid job and I am an agency teacher, so looking back it probably wasn't the best time for a baby with the uncertainity of whether schools will stay open. But either way, I was really sad.

Boyfriend has now decided to use condoms as he doesn't want it to happen again, and I am totally fine with this ofcourse.
But with christmas coming up, I feel sad. Knowing I should be around 3 months along now :(
I expressed my sadness to boyfriend and we ended up having a discussion about babies and he said he wants to be around 30 when he tries for a baby. This will make me 33.
But it seems so long away :( a couple of friends had babies last year and one announced pregnancy in July. I feel like christmas should be a happy time but I can't stop feeling broody :(

OP posts:
lovepickledlimes · 22/12/2020 15:40

You are still so young. Don't feel like you need to rush into having kids. Try to enjoy the kid free time you still have.

Bluntness100 · 22/12/2020 15:40

Sadly I think this is jist to do with the age difference op, although it’s only three years many 24 year old guys aren’t ready to be fathers yet, many 24 year old women too.

You need to decide if you’re ok with that.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/12/2020 15:40

I’m sorry about your miscarriage, awful to go through whatever the circumstances of the conception.

He’s right to start taking responsibility for his fertility and it’s a shame it’s taken this experience to do so. In terms of the timeframe, you both feel how you feel and neither of you is wrong. Difficult to have such varied hopes for starting a family and the future but all you can do is talk and if you’re not compatible on this then have a big think about where the relationship is heading.

MaverickDanger · 22/12/2020 15:41

I’d get yourself into a position over the next 3 years where you have savings, stable jobs, are homeowners and are married.

Two years together isn’t a lot of time in your twenties. I think he is being very mature so fair play to him.

Azerothi · 22/12/2020 15:42

I think you need to think about when you're 33 and he stills says no. How will you feel?

shitinmyhandsandclap · 22/12/2020 15:42

You've not been together very long really, I'd wait and see if he's totally committed to the relationship before trying for a baby

SchrodingersImmigrant · 22/12/2020 15:42

I think it's very wise of him to wait. Settle, make a good base and be financially secured. It would also give you plenty of time to get some good permanent job with good maternity and to go back to.

Nowaynothappening · 22/12/2020 15:42

Sorry for your loss Flowers. Totally normal to feel this way following a miscarriage, whether the pregnancy was planned or not. After my miscarriages I was absolutely desperate to get pregnant again whatever the cost, it was pure desperation and I’d never felt that way before or since.

The age gap probably makes a difference, he’s only 24 which is quite young to be thinking about children nowadays. I imagine most of his friends don’t have children and he doesn’t feel ready yet. It’s difficult but I guess the decision is yours- either stay with him and wait 6 years for a baby or leave and find someone else. Depends how much you want to be with him really.

WorraLiberty · 22/12/2020 15:45

So sorry about your loss OP Thanks

But I do think he's being very sensible if he's not ready

QueenOfPain · 22/12/2020 15:45

I think people are misunderstand who is which age.

It’s actually the OP who is 27, and her boyfriend who is 24. That’s another 6 years for the OP to wait.

It seems like your lives are on different schedules, which is understandable given so much life happens to us in our twenties.

Just be absolutely certain he is the one for you, if you’re going to give away six very fertile years of your life for him, to not start trying until your mid 30’s. He could of course get to 30 and decide it’s still not time for him, would you then wait till you were 35 or even longer?

carnations23 · 22/12/2020 15:47

24 is pretty young, especially for a guy.

There was no way I was having children at that age with my now DH then , I even got spooked when he mentioned buying a place at that age (he's 5+ years older).

Thenitbeginsagain · 22/12/2020 15:47

You are only together 2 years which is very little time to be considering starting a family.

My friend was in the same position as you. Older and they agreed to start TTC once he turned 30 and she was 33/34 maybe. They got married and bought a house together before he turned 30 and she is now 3 months pregnant so it worked out for them.

I would be expecting other milestones to be fully lined up before then - so engagement in another year or two, marriage done and house sorted. If those milestones aren’t coming up could be that you are wasting your time.

Freddiefox · 22/12/2020 15:48

It’s good that he has told you how he feels. I think you are both at different stages in your lives.
It’s ok for you to wait a child and it’s ok for him not too.

You now have to decide whether this is on with you, or whether you need to move on.

Whatafustercluck · 22/12/2020 15:48

The age gap is the issue i think. It's reasonable for your boyfriend to want to wait until he's older. But similarly I understand your feelings too. You need to decide whether you can potentially wait that long - while 33 is not over the hill, it can certainly become more difficult to conceive the older you get. And what happens if he gets to 29 and your relationship breaks down? How sure are you that you'll be together 'forever'? I'd definitely want more financial security before having children, and that does usually mean the security of marriage. How do you both feel about that?

Fwiw I had my first child at 32 and my second at 38. I was definitely more ready, and more financially secure, by then. Ironically it was our first we struggled to conceive. Our second was somewhat of a 'surprise' with how quickly she happened!

FTMF30 · 22/12/2020 15:49

I think he's making a very sensible decision. You've only been yogether 2years and there us so much you can do together to enrich and strengthen your relationship that will, in turn, make you better parents.

24 is very young to have a baby. He said he wants to be 30 but maybe he'll reconsider at 27 or 28 if you are both in stable positions at that age.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 22/12/2020 15:51

It isn't unreasonable of him to not want a baby at his age - I certainly didn't! And he is sensible to use condoms to prevent that decision being made for him.

The question is what do you want? Do you trust that you will still be together in 6 years? Do you trust that he will in fact want a baby with you then? Your ages and genders make this a bit of a gamble, and with your friends starting families now it is pretty clear that you were ready to do likewise.

BuffaloCauliflower · 22/12/2020 15:58

My husband is two years younger than me. We just had our first baby a few weeks ago, 2 weeks before I turned 33. My husband was 30 when I got pregnant. Admittedly I would have liked to have kids a couple of years ago but he wasn’t ready, but we’re also in a much better position financially now and I wanted to be married before children. As it is we ended up on the exact same page and he was ready, and he’s been an exemplary father and husband so far. It makes such a difference when you’re equally want the baby. I know 33 seems a long way off now but it will go quickly, and I’m glad we waited till we were able to be a real team.

I would say speak to him about how your fertility will decline as you get older, this is an important thing to consider particularly for women. Your likelihood of miscarrying goes up as you age. Be factual. But also talk about what your partnership would need to look like before children - marriage? House? Finances? You’ve got time to get really ready.

Autumnismyseason · 22/12/2020 16:00

He sounds very sensible

Thewiseoneincognito · 22/12/2020 16:00

Honestly OP don’t make the silly mistake of having kids before 30, you do not want that burden.

CrappingMyself · 22/12/2020 16:01

You sound like you need some time to grieve OP. Have you told DP how you are feeling about the loss? It's worth remembering that hormones maybe playing their part here too, particularly if you look around at your peers and feel they are settling and having children.

Do you feel DP is the one you want to stay and have children with?

CherryRoulade · 22/12/2020 16:03

Good lad. I’d be fairly horrified if my children wanted to be parents at 24. Get some savings behind you. Get a substantive job. Get in a sensible position to raise a family.

EnPoinsettia · 22/12/2020 16:03

Absolutely his choice.

And the age you have children is absolutely your choice.

If you want children sooner than he does, please listen to yourself.

speakout · 22/12/2020 16:06

He sounds sensible- you are so young, make the most of these years without children- you wonlt get them back again.

isawthatt · 22/12/2020 16:08

It’s both of your choice, if you think it’s too late for you then that’s fair enough but leave the relationship

Aprilx · 22/12/2020 16:08

I am very sorry for your loss and I do understand why you are sad.

But I also think he is being really sensible, 24 is very young to have a child and 30 makes more sense. You will not be that much over 30 yourself, but if it concerns you then don’t date men a few years younger than you.