Boyfriend doesn't want a baby until he's 30.

[Improbablyinreasonable]

Hi,
I'm 27 and my boyfriend is 24.
We have been together 2 years.

I've been on the pill since we met and we never used condoms, we relied on the pill.
I got caught in September and was pregnant.
Boyfriend didn't want to keep the baby but I wasn't 100%. But I guess I was around 7 weeks (judging by period) and it ended in a miscarriage anyway.
Boyfriend has a very well paid job and I am an agency teacher, so looking back it probably wasn't the best time for a baby with the uncertainity of whether schools will stay open. But either way, I was really sad.

Boyfriend has now decided to use condoms as he doesn't want it to happen again, and I am totally fine with this ofcourse.
But with christmas coming up, I feel sad. Knowing I should be around 3 months along now :(
I expressed my sadness to boyfriend and we ended up having a discussion about babies and he said he wants to be around 30 when he tries for a baby. This will make me 33.
But it seems so long away :( a couple of friends had babies last year and one announced pregnancy in July. I feel like christmas should be a happy time but I can't stop feeling broody :(

Oh op hasnt come back. I wouldnt be 25 with a 22 precisely because of issues like this.
He might not be ready at 30, meanwhile whats happening with them eggs. Nah, id look for someone ready.

@CheetasOnFajitas

If it’s such crap perhaps you could explain why athletes’ and footballers’ careers are essentially over by their mid 30s? Young bodies and metabolisms function better, it’s biology. There’s a reason for women’s fertility declining, not least because ova don’t age well.

I wasn’t talking about fertility or the ability to compete in elite sport, I was talking about overall physical/mental ability to parent a child in 20s to 50s. In that context there is no material difference.

Given your spectacular ability to miss the point, there’s no point in responding to you any further.

Your BF sounds v sensible. I doubt many guys of 24 are even thinking about kids, it's v young. To be honest, looking back, most of my male friends wouldn't have been thinking about having babies at 30 either!

Think you need to have a discussion with your DP in a couple of months once you have had the chance to grieve and let your hormones settle down.

I’m 24 and my DP is 27 and we are talking about TTC in the second half of next year. We have owned our house since January and a couple of months before that we had discussions about what we both wanted to achieve and to happen before kids came into the picture (although covid has defo ruined some of the fun things this year).

I think your DP has maybe picked the arbitrary age of being 30 for him as he is hoping he will have achieved x, y and z before that. He is also maybe hoping that by your point you will have achieved x, y and z.

It’s important that you sit down and clearly establish what these things are, they could be owning a property, having a certain amount of savings and having a job with good security. That way you can work on these things rather than just sitting about waiting for 6 years and hoping he’ll still want to have them if some of these things haven’t happened.

I'm not sure the OP is returning, but it's probably worth you separating your feelings about the miscarriage with your longer term family plans.

It's sensible for her DP to take responsibility for contraception. He agreed with their contraception being the pill and it ended in an unplanned pregnancy. He wants to take additional precautions because he doesn't want to be a father. Good on him.

@Respectabitch

he is already not trusting her to take her pill. Assuming of course that any of this is real.

He could absolutely trust her but sensibly note that they've already had a failure on the pill, and that failures do happen even with "ideal" use, so since he's not ready it's extremely sensible to double up on contraception.

I'm always surprised how many people don't double up on contraception when they're clear that they really don't want a baby or when conceiving would be a disaster.

Good for him for taking responsibility.

Absolutely. There was a thread just recently where the consensus was that it was up to the man to take responsibility for his fertility if he didn’t want to be a father!

I have the same age gap with my DH OP. We bought a house when I was 29, engaged at 30. I wanted to get married sooner and get on with it but in the end I was 32 and we TTC straight after. This was really pushing it to the absolute latest in my opinion. Luckily the first came quickly, and I was 33 when DC1 came along. DC2 was harder to achieve and I didn't have her til I was 37.

It would not be sensible for you to wait to even START trying til you were 33, unless you only want 1 child.

If you started trying now at 27 you'd have a 90% chance of achieving two DC. If you wait til 34 it drops to 75% chance of having two DC. I'd be setting his mind more to the timescale of YOU turning 30 to usher in the period of marriage and TTC.

www.livescience.com/51761-ticking-clock-optimum-age-for-women-to-begin-families-infographic.html