Boyfriend doesn't want a baby until he's 30.

[Improbablyinreasonable]

Hi,
I'm 27 and my boyfriend is 24.
We have been together 2 years.

I've been on the pill since we met and we never used condoms, we relied on the pill.
I got caught in September and was pregnant.
Boyfriend didn't want to keep the baby but I wasn't 100%. But I guess I was around 7 weeks (judging by period) and it ended in a miscarriage anyway.
Boyfriend has a very well paid job and I am an agency teacher, so looking back it probably wasn't the best time for a baby with the uncertainity of whether schools will stay open. But either way, I was really sad.

Boyfriend has now decided to use condoms as he doesn't want it to happen again, and I am totally fine with this ofcourse.
But with christmas coming up, I feel sad. Knowing I should be around 3 months along now :(
I expressed my sadness to boyfriend and we ended up having a discussion about babies and he said he wants to be around 30 when he tries for a baby. This will make me 33.
But it seems so long away :( a couple of friends had babies last year and one announced pregnancy in July. I feel like christmas should be a happy time but I can't stop feeling broody :(

Don't put your life on hold for him, or for anyone.

he is already not trusting her to take her pill. Assuming of course that any of this is real.

He could absolutely trust her but sensibly note that they've already had a failure on the pill, and that failures do happen even with "ideal" use, so since he's not ready it's extremely sensible to double up on contraception.

I'm always surprised how many people don't double up on contraception when they're clear that they really don't want a baby or when conceiving would be a disaster.

Good for him for taking responsibility.

@Thewinterofdiscontent

I really dislike all the talk about being “sensible” You and your body know when it wants a baby. You can have a life without one of course but if a very fundermental urge. Don’t talk yourself out of it because of circumstances. Of course it’s easier with a good career and money snd a great supportive family but no one knows what the future holds.Trust your instincts on this.

People absolutely should be talking themselves out of it because of circumstances. TTC when not secured is frankly selfish and wrong. Maybe if more people thpught like him and wanted to woat a bit, we wouldn't have so many kids in bad situation....

It's understandable that this subject would be on your mind now. I know it's wanky therapy talk, but just let yourself feel your feelings and be sad. It's okay to be upset by the loss of a baby you weren't necessarily ready for. It's only natural that you'd start thinking about your options now.

Try to give yourself some breathing space for a bit, or at least think constructively about what you'd have to do to get into a better position for parenthood. That could take a few years anyway. There really is no rush, but your feelings are valid.

You shouldn’t be in a hurry either OP. You have an unstable job, are hardly running out of time and have just been through a miscarriage, not to mention the fact that your partner is not ready to have kids, and quite rightly too. He is 24!
You should focus on ensuring you have a stable future and financials before you even think of a baby in this climate.

Good for him for taking responsibility.

I agree - I would never fault a man for this.

Sorry for your loss. Such a sad thing to happen.

I’d be concerned that you might wait, then find he’s 30 and still doesn’t want children. If you leave him at 33 because you want children and he doesn’t, then time will be running very short. I get that he’s younger, but I think perhaps he hasn’t given consideration to your relative ages and the potential for problems if you wait.

I have a friend who was in your position. She waited till he was 30 and then he said “Let’s have lots of children.” He wasn’t mean, just genuinely thoughtless and ignorant. They did have two children, but there were problems and a very long gap after the first, during which she thought there wouldn’t be any more.

I get that it’s easy, if the relationship is good in other ways, to push your own feelings aside, but I wonder whether it might be possible to talk to him about compromise. 30 is a random age he’s selected. Being reasonably mature, in a stable relationship and financially secure are all more important than a number selected as a nice round number his rather immature mind has selected as “old enough”.

Difficult to say really what’s the right age. People now leave it very late, whereas it was common in the previous generation to have children much earlier, and that has its good points too. You have way more energy at twenty eight than at forty and hopefully years to enjoy your life when the children have left home and you’re still young.

Ultimately, if you can’t come to an agreement which suits you both, it might be better to find someone who wants the same as you now. If you know you want a baby, six years is a long time to wait before you even start trying to conceive.

Anyway, whatever you decide, good luck.

@Thewiseoneincognito

Honestly OP don’t make the silly mistake of having kids before 30, you do not want that burden.

What a shitty thing to say! And really stupid advice, too.

He’d be unwise to stay with a woman he couldn’t trust to be telling the truth when she said she’d got an implant, coil or injection.

According to hundreds of posts on another thread he is doing exactly what every man should do and is taking his fertility into his hands by using condoms. Apparently it's not about trust but a responsibility of the person who doesn't want the child.

Your boyfriend sounds sensible. You need to o establish your career, build up some savings, get married if that is something you believe in.

What I would do is be clear what you are likely to do in the event you do have an unplanned pregnancy. I remember reaching a point in my life where I was not remotely ready to ttc, but that I would accept a pregnancy if one happened. When I reached that point I made it explicitly clear to my boyfriend that if we had an accidental pregnancy, he was going to be a father. I would have understood if he wanted to not have sex at all even with birth control.

You have way more energy at twenty eight than at forty

Gimme a break! Energy levels depend on individual fitness and it is possible for 40 year olds to be extremely fit and 28 year-olds to be very unfit. There is no objective reason why a forty year-old should have less energy than a 28 year-old with the same level of fitness, or find it any more difficult to achieve/maintain that level of fitness. Do you think that all those people at the peak of their careers in their forties are struggling to achieve despite dwindling energy levels?

If you had said 60, maybe, but enough with the ridiculous comments on this thread about people in their forties and fifties being somehow physically disadvantaged.

Neither of you are being unreasonable. He sounds sensible and honest and I applaud him for taking some of the responsibility for contraception.

You need to give yourself some time to grieve your loss.

All that being said, if I were absolutely sure that I was ready for children I would not be prepared to wait six years for my boyfriend to feel ready on an arbitrary date in the future and I would reevaluate the relationship accordingly. What happens if he isn’t ready at thirty, or thirty-five?

24 is young. He ia right to want to wait.

You are not financially secure or financially independent.
Whatever you do, do not get pregnant out of wedlock. It would be a bad mistake

I agree with many pps. He is being sensible. You have no secure job. You need to get into a more stable job situation, with maternity pay and leave, before even thinking about ttc.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

He’d be unwise to stay with a woman he couldn’t trust to be telling the truth when she said she’d got an implant, coil or injection.

According to hundreds of posts on another thread he is doing exactly what every man should do and is taking his fertility into his hands by using condoms. Apparently it's not about trust but a responsibility of the person who doesn't want the child.

I fully understand that. However what I am saying is that a man can be taking responsibility for his fertility by agreeing with his partner that she will use long-term contraception which does not need her to remember to take a pill every day, and doing so in the context of a relationship in which he trusts her not to lie to him outright when she says she has had a coil put in/has been for her injection (the man can diarise the dates!)/had the implant renewed (and those can be felt under the skin). Condoms are the ultimate in belt and braces, yes, but we all know the stories of the pin through the packet..

So sorry for your loss OP

I'm in a similar position however i already had two children when i was very young. My now DP is 25 and not ready to have kids yet, but i'm worried about waiting too long and losing my fertility as i'm 29.

I know he's the man i want to be with forever so i had to decide if i would be willing to give up the chance to have another child, the answer for me was yes... but begrudgingly.

I have hope because i focus on the other milestones, i think men struggle to estimate when they'll be ready and automatically see 30 as "old" or old enough. We're thinking a couple of years to get engaged, another to get married and then own a property. I think with those things "out of the way" so to speak, a lot of men would be okay with trying. Although im just guessing really.

I made it clear i would want to try when i'm 34/35 and if he's telling you an age i think you should be allowed to estimate too.

If you don't think what he's said is a dealbreaker try and day dream about engagements and weddings (or a home/pet together) to take your mind off the broodiness (which i know is almost impossible)

@CheetasOnFajitas

You have way more energy at twenty eight than at forty

Gimme a break! Energy levels depend on individual fitness and it is possible for 40 year olds to be extremely fit and 28 year-olds to be very unfit. There is no objective reason why a forty year-old should have less energy than a 28 year-old with the same level of fitness, or find it any more difficult to achieve/maintain that level of fitness. Do you think that all those people at the peak of their careers in their forties are struggling to achieve despite dwindling energy levels?

If you had said 60, maybe, but enough with the ridiculous comments on this thread about people in their forties and fifties being somehow physically disadvantaged.

You are delusional. There’s pros and cons to being an older/younger mum face facts!!

How are you comparing working full time to raising a child? Let’s not even get into that silly comparison.

By the time time you are raising your kids still in your 50s someone younger perhaps has grandchildren on the way shortly...& are helping their kids out with childcare

@CheetasOnFajitas

You have way more energy at twenty eight than at forty

Gimme a break! Energy levels depend on individual fitness and it is possible for 40 year olds to be extremely fit and 28 year-olds to be very unfit. There is no objective reason why a forty year-old should have less energy than a 28 year-old with the same level of fitness, or find it any more difficult to achieve/maintain that level of fitness. Do you think that all those people at the peak of their careers in their forties are struggling to achieve despite dwindling energy levels?

If you had said 60, maybe, but enough with the ridiculous comments on this thread about people in their forties and fifties being somehow physically disadvantaged.

Everyone has more energy at 28 than they do when they’re 40. It’s not a comparison between different people. Energy declines with age. I was a very young mother, my mum an elderly primagravida by the standards of the time. She said more than once she wished she’d had my energy when we were small.

You are bound to feel sad, and hopefully you can talk c that with him.

30 is a fair enough to wait for kids. If you want to be a bit younger than 33 perhaps you could compromise on bringing it down a year or two. Let dust settle and chat w him. Expect there are lots of things you’d both like to do that would be easier pre kids, so think c planning for that first?

Sorry but he is right.
Give it 3 years.
If you don't wanna wait then you need to meet someone else.
He is only 24 and being sensible.

Consider if you had another "accidental" pregnancy that you would end up raising the child alone, on a agency role with no Mat leave or security.

I had my baby in my 40s, I had all the energy I needed. People having a baby in their 20s tend to forget that the reason they're tired when they get to their 40s is because they've had 20 years of raising children. Which makes you tired!

Anyway... it's not a tiredness competition and whenever any woman chooses to have her baby isn't really anyone else's business.

in their 29What people tend to forget about people having a first baby in their 40s is that

You’ve been in this relationship for two years, so that’s quite a committed relationship. He may not feel ready to have children yet, but I think it’s a little unfair to ask you to wait six years. Can you compromise and say that you donLt want to wait until then, but would like to start trying in 18-24 months, and then you cans work towards this.

What happens if at 30, he says, 33, and then 35years?

Sorry about the scrambled bit at the bottom 🤣

I genuinely don’t know where to begin with the nonsense being spouted about age and energy by @Littleyell and @VinylDetective.

One is basing an entire theory on her Mum saying she felt a bit tired and the other is suggesting that working full time needs less energy than raising a child, conveniently forgetting that a lot of people in their forties are doing both.

Just stop with the sweeping statements, please. Accept that everyone’s circumstances are different and your energy levels/mental and physical ability to be a parent (within the overall window in which people can conceive naturally) cannot be correlated directly with age.