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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend doesn't want a baby until he's 30.

182 replies

Improbablyinreasonable · 22/12/2020 15:37

Hi,
I'm 27 and my boyfriend is 24.
We have been together 2 years.

I've been on the pill since we met and we never used condoms, we relied on the pill.
I got caught in September and was pregnant.
Boyfriend didn't want to keep the baby but I wasn't 100%. But I guess I was around 7 weeks (judging by period) and it ended in a miscarriage anyway.
Boyfriend has a very well paid job and I am an agency teacher, so looking back it probably wasn't the best time for a baby with the uncertainity of whether schools will stay open. But either way, I was really sad.

Boyfriend has now decided to use condoms as he doesn't want it to happen again, and I am totally fine with this ofcourse.
But with christmas coming up, I feel sad. Knowing I should be around 3 months along now :(
I expressed my sadness to boyfriend and we ended up having a discussion about babies and he said he wants to be around 30 when he tries for a baby. This will make me 33.
But it seems so long away :( a couple of friends had babies last year and one announced pregnancy in July. I feel like christmas should be a happy time but I can't stop feeling broody :(

OP posts:
OoohTheStatsDontLie · 22/12/2020 16:11

It does sound like he is being sensible however that doesn't mean that your feelings arent valid either. He may also need to compromise, if he wants children with you, as it's not just what he wants but it's also a question of what his partner wants and what's biologically possible.

I got pregnant when I was 33 which isnt that old nowadays but I am now 40 with a 3 and a 5 year old and I do feel old!

BoJingle · 22/12/2020 16:12

I had my first at 27, we'd been together 7 years. In a truly perfect world I would have waited 5 more years to give me 5 more years of holidays and just general freedom and selfishness but my OH is 7 yrs older than me and we both wanted to be done with children before he hit his 40s.

When 2 years into a relationship with a 24 year old, waiting seems sensible.

wonderstuff · 22/12/2020 16:12

After my miscarriage I was so desperate for a baby. When our first arrived we weren't ready, financially or emotionally, it was fine in the end, but on reflection I was very much reacting to grief and if we'd waited those first few years may have been easier.
Babies put enormous stress on a relationship, if he's not ready it would be really difficult. The fact he's taking responsibility for birth control is surely positive, so many men put that entirely on their partner. Having the conversation and knowing where you stand is also good, everyone should be able to have these discussions, but they don't always happen.
I'm really sorry for your loss though.
I'd try to enjoy all the things you can do now that children make impossible, lazy mornings, spontaneous trips (even a walk round the block needs planning with a baby), peaceful weekends, time alone, sleep, money for the odd luxury.

BoJingle · 22/12/2020 16:13

I forgot to say I am truly sorry for your loss Flowers

AIMD · 22/12/2020 16:13

It not unreasonable if you to want a baby earlier nor is it unreasonable for him to want to wait u tip he is 30.

Sounds like you maybe just need to wait for a bit of time to pass so you can grieve your post pregnancy and then have a chat with each other about it.

Is there a reason he wants to wait? Eg financial security or just wanting freedom etc? It may be that you can compromise and be just hasn’t though of other options. Eg how would he feel if he waited until he wears 30 but then it took 3-4+ years to get pregnant...

I agree with others though that said your age different although small probably does make a difference. He’s only 24 and I was nowhere near thinking about babies at 24, however a couple years later I was.

Jobsharenightmare · 22/12/2020 16:14

Sorry for your loss. I think he has been given a different perspective having gone through what you did together and it means he can now clearly see what he wants to prioritise. It is understandable you're feeling differently and neither of you is wrong but you are grieving in a very physical way with milestones he won't necessarily be aware of or upset by. I think he is being very sensible and you will feel better in time. You haven't been together that long either.

user1493413286 · 22/12/2020 16:15

I don’t think it’s particularly fair that it’s just his decision, I got together with DH at 24 and had my first DC at 28. I wouldn’t have wanted to wait until I was 33. I think it’s something to agree together; I do think now is too soon based on his reaction, age and how long you’ve been together but why does it get to just be his decision what the timeline of your lives is

Djouce · 22/12/2020 16:22

I think you need to separate out your understandable grief for your loss from planning to conceive in future. Trying again soon won't bring the baby you lost back, and I think you should give yourself time to be sad, and only then think about whether you're both on similar pages re children, and as a pp said whether your boyfriend is the one you see a future and children with.

Fundamentally, if so, you need to ask yourself if you're OK with waiting till he's 30. I was very clear with my DH that I didn't want to have a child until my late 30s, and I was prepared to risk not being able to have a child -- not having one at all would have been a better outcome for me than having a child at a time that didn't suit me. He was fine with that, but another man may not have been.

2BDIs · 22/12/2020 16:23

I'm very sorry for your loss. That is a terrible thing to happen especially this year.
Your boyfriend is entitled to not want children either just yet or ever and he has been honest about that by telling you he doesn't want them until he is at least 30. I think that is very sensible of him. Your relationship is relatively new to be starting a family. I see you are not married, do you own a house yet. Maybe he just wants to be emotionally and financially secure and that is very mature of him.
He may change his mind and decide he is ready for them sooner but it is unfair of you to criticise the way he feels.

If you are not happy with his timeline you have 2 choices. Either accept it and you have your baby in your 30s or you move on and start a life with someone else who is on the same timeline as you.
Whatever you do best of luck .

MatildaTheCat · 22/12/2020 16:25

Sorry for your loss.

I think you may have posted about your relationship before? Your bf has career goals and is focused on getting established while you haven’t quite got there yet? You have differences that need to be recognised and discussed and having babies is clearly, for hi, some way down the line which is very reasonable.

You are still grieving which makes this all the more difficult. Maybe agree to discuss again in a certain amount of time but whilst I’m sure he loves you he does have other priorities right now. Those priorities could mean a much more stable future for you both if you are committed to being together. Having children young (as I did) does make having a career more difficult. That applies to men, too.

AgentJohnson · 22/12/2020 16:25

He’s 24 and you’ve only been roger 24 months, I can totally see his point.

You’re still grieving and the broodiness is probably connected to that. Neither of you are wrong to feel the way you do but only you can decide if you are willing to wait.

The balls in your court, if you can’t accept his time, then you will need to move on.

LisaLee333 · 22/12/2020 16:25

Sorry about this @Improbablyinreasonable but I reckon he doesn't want one.

Also, in another 6 years you will be 33! Before you even start trying you will be 33.

Despite how much it annoys people to say this/hear this, your fertility DOES start to wane after 30, and drops dramatically with each passing year.

Wouldn't do for me sorry. I couldn't be with someone who didn't want kids for another SIX YEARS when I was already only 2-3 years off my 30s.

And having kids before 30 is not a 'burden' as one poster very rudely states. Better that than risking not conceiving, or being a mother of a toddler when you're middle aged, like some posters promote on here! (Happens a lot on here but rarely in real life! Funny that!) Wink

As a pp said, what if he still says no when he is 30???

You need to rethink this relationship.

Sorry for your loss too OP. Flowers

80sMum · 22/12/2020 16:28

The fact that you're not married is ringing a little bit of an alarm bell for me. Are you both committed to the relationship long term? Do you want to spend the rest of your lives together? If you're not at the stage where you feel able to make that decision, then you're not yet able with any certainty to discuss starting a family.

If you're both in it for the long haul, then I think your boyfriend is very sensible to have been honest and upfront with you about his views. However, your views count too. Could perhaps a compromise be reached where you, for example, start TTC in 3 or 4 years' time instead of 6, after you're married and have built up a home together?

Jobseeker19 · 22/12/2020 16:29

I couldn't imagine having to wait 6 years if I wanted to have a baby.

movingonup20 · 22/12/2020 16:30

Sounds very responsible to be honest. Don't be in a hurry, once you have kids life is very different!

speakout · 22/12/2020 16:31

Sorry about this @Improbablyinreasonable but I reckon he doesn't want one.

The guy is only 24! So so young.
I also agree that 6 years is a long time to wait if you are desperate for a child.
Maybe time to move on OP.

YellowPostItPad · 22/12/2020 16:32

My neighbour has children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. She is 80 and still broody!
You should wait until you are both ready.
You will always be broody (if you are anything like me Grin).

ketosavedmylife · 22/12/2020 16:32

Oh OP, so sorry about your miscarriage. I wonder if it's left you empty and yearning for what might have been; an emotional response to such a traumatic event for anyone.

Your partner is very sensible in his response. He realises that this is not the right time for either of you.

Plus, you are not in a stable financial position...yet. Once you are established working permanently in a school, with all the financial benefits that being in permanent employment brings, and savings put by, a home and (at least) plans for marriage.

That is what I would hope for my DD. She is your age, a teacher, renting a property with her partner. I would hope she waits until established with savings. The future is getting more uncertain. I would rather she waits until in her 30's to start a family (I did this, too).

Please consider speaking to a counselor about your feelings regarding your miscarriage. Best of luck.

MrDarcyismines · 22/12/2020 16:33

He could be saying 30 but means 35. You just don't know. Lots of men (woman probably too) say things in order not to upset their partner.
You definitely need to decide whether its worth waiting. I was 27 when I had my 2nd and thought it was the perfect time!

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 22/12/2020 16:41

I'm sorry for your loss, but do think you need to separate out the grief you are going through with wanting a baby.

You have only been together for 2 years - where is the relationship actually going? Did you see it as long term? Had you even talked about marriage and children before? Did you see marriage and children in the future with your boyfriend or has it all just come to a head now you've had a miscarriage?

33 isn't old to have a baby - your fertility may or may not decline at 30 - it's just whether you had seen yourself having children before then or not.

As you were on the pill, you obviously weren't planning to conceive yet. When would you like to have a baby?

It's good that you have now had the discussion about children. It's good that your boyfriend is taking extra precautions.

If you don't want to wait for 6 years to try to have a baby, you need to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you.

Keep talking with your boyfriend so you can make the best decision for you. If that means walking away, so be it.

Candyfloss99 · 22/12/2020 16:43

You've hardly been together long at all and you are both young. He is being sensible.

LittleRa · 22/12/2020 16:48

Sorry for your loss Flowers

Could you talk to him and come to compromise instead of waiting until he is 30, that you’ll wait until you are 30, what with you being the older one and also you being the one who would be carrying the baby and giving birth etc. That way he’d be 27 and you’d be 30. It could take a year to fall pregnant anyway.
I’m 35 and my DP is 28. I’m currently pregnant. I did really feel the age gap in this circumstance (don’t feel it in any other ways)- particularly that I’m the older one- if he was 35 and I was 28 there’d be no rush.

katy1213 · 22/12/2020 16:54

He sounds very sensible and responsible; rather more so than you, to be honest.

katy1213 · 22/12/2020 16:57

Do you even have a stable home to offer this prospective baby? Because that might be a good idea!

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/12/2020 16:59

No need to be horrible katy. OP is grieving and asking for advice, not a kicking.

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