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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend doesn't want a baby until he's 30.

182 replies

Improbablyinreasonable · 22/12/2020 15:37

Hi,
I'm 27 and my boyfriend is 24.
We have been together 2 years.

I've been on the pill since we met and we never used condoms, we relied on the pill.
I got caught in September and was pregnant.
Boyfriend didn't want to keep the baby but I wasn't 100%. But I guess I was around 7 weeks (judging by period) and it ended in a miscarriage anyway.
Boyfriend has a very well paid job and I am an agency teacher, so looking back it probably wasn't the best time for a baby with the uncertainity of whether schools will stay open. But either way, I was really sad.

Boyfriend has now decided to use condoms as he doesn't want it to happen again, and I am totally fine with this ofcourse.
But with christmas coming up, I feel sad. Knowing I should be around 3 months along now :(
I expressed my sadness to boyfriend and we ended up having a discussion about babies and he said he wants to be around 30 when he tries for a baby. This will make me 33.
But it seems so long away :( a couple of friends had babies last year and one announced pregnancy in July. I feel like christmas should be a happy time but I can't stop feeling broody :(

OP posts:
GreekOddess · 22/12/2020 18:08

You both need to be on the same page and you clearly aren't. He is 24 and you've only been together for 2 years that's no time at all. You need to reassess the relationship but also understand that most people want to be in a relationship for longer than 2 years before they start a family.

Nettleskeins · 22/12/2020 18:08

I had a boyfriend who said this to me ...although 35 was his timeline.
I was 28, I walked. Met someone else, sadly we didn't conceive for a while. But, He probably always regretted that he had been so "cautious". It is selfish to expect a woman to wait, it is pc in the extreme to claim women can and should wait for men to be "ready".

VinylDetective · 22/12/2020 18:09

@Thewiseoneincognito

Honestly OP don’t make the silly mistake of having kids before 30, you do not want that burden.
Oh please! People are ready to become parents at a very wide range of ages. My first was born when I was 21. He wasn’t and never has been a burden.
PandaBearCub · 22/12/2020 18:10

2 years isn’t long in a relationship, you’re still figuring each other out. He’s also only 24, which is still quite young to become a father. I’m sure you matured between the ages of 24 and 27. Six years is a long time to wait if you are ready for a child now, but it’s not fair to force fatherhood onto him if he’s not emotionally ready. You need to have a think about whether this relationship will work if you want different things and are at different stages in your lives.

Ginfordinner · 22/12/2020 18:11

It is selfish to expect a woman to wait,

I disagree. Isn't it just as selfish to pressurise someone into being a parent when they aren't ready?

MariaK91 · 22/12/2020 18:11

I completely 100% understand where you're coming from, but it is both of your choices and if you're determined but he is not ready, you need to decide if you're willing to wait or not. He is also very young, so although it's hard, try not to be overly surprised by his reluctance, its not uncommon at all for someone that age not to feel ready.

FTMF30 · 22/12/2020 18:12

@PolkadotGiraffe

The average age for a first time mother now is 30. This means it is much older for many. In my NCT group, for example, I was the youngest one being mid-30s at the time.

You are really young to become a mother. As you said you're not yet financially secure, and also this is a hard time for new mums with the limited social contact. Much better to wait.

I can understand that the miscarriage has triggered you feeling like this. Sad That said, I wouldn't be wanting to have a baby with a man who is 24 and who I'd only been with for two years. That's would be a bit reckless, and take away a big chunk of both of your 20s with caring for small children when it would be much better to get to know each other properly, travel, buy a house (if you haven't already), progress your career etc first. Your boyfriend sounds very sensible for his age.

Can you get some counselling to help you work through your feelings about your pregnancy loss?

A bit patronising to say someone is sensible "for their age" at 24.

Also, you say the average age is 30 for a first time mum but then say that means "it's much older for many"Confused. Well that means its much younger for many too, otherwise the average would fall higher than 30.

CheetasOnFajitas · 22/12/2020 18:12

@TheYearOfSmallThings

If she has a permanent form of contraception the risk is very low

When a woman who is ready to have a baby, and whose friends are having babies, has already accidentally fallen pregnant once, her DP would be unwise not to take responsibility for his own fertility.

He’d be unwise to stay with a woman he couldn’t trust to be telling the truth when she said she’d got an implant, coil or injection.
OwlinaTree · 22/12/2020 18:16

I have a similar she gap with my dh, with me being the older one. We had similar discussions! I wanted to try when I was 30, but he wasn't ready. We agreed to wait until he was 30, and that was the compromise for us. I was 32 when we started trying, and it wasn't plain sailing, but I had 2 children before I was 39 without any treatment.

Maybe the compromise for you guys would be when he is 27, and you are 30. You would have lots of time then even if it didn't happen straight away.

3 years is enough to get married, get a bit more secure in your career etc before having a baby.

Respectabitch · 22/12/2020 18:18

I really dislike all the talk about being “sensible” You and your body know when it wants a baby.

Yes, what complete assholes people are, encouraging women to think about things like whether they can stably feed and house a baby and whether it's being brought into a stable relationship with two parents that want it, rather than doing the right thing and just following every random hormonal impulse.

PolkadotGiraffe · 22/12/2020 18:18

A bit patronising to say someone is sensible "for their age" at 24.

Why is it patronising? Confused People generally become more mature as they get older. It's not patronising, it is a fact of human development.

Also, you say the average age is 30 for a first time mum but then say that means "it's much older for many". Well that means its much younger for many too, otherwise the average would fall higher than 30.

Well, obviously. Self-evidently an average will have a range either side. My post wasn't denying the existence of mothers in their teens or twenties. I don't understand your point here.

MrsHugsxx · 22/12/2020 18:19

I think I would move on. You're late 20s, by the time he's ready you're going to be almost halfway through your 30s. And it might not happen straight away. If you definitely know you want kids, don't hang around waiting for someone who is unsure on the idea.

SeasonFinale · 22/12/2020 18:19

He is very young and I can see why he wouldn't want one so young.

PolkadotGiraffe · 22/12/2020 18:19

@Respectabitch

I really dislike all the talk about being “sensible” You and your body know when it wants a baby.

Yes, what complete assholes people are, encouraging women to think about things like whether they can stably feed and house a baby and whether it's being brought into a stable relationship with two parents that want it, rather than doing the right thing and just following every random hormonal impulse.

This. Thank you for putting it much more eloquently.
NuniaBeeswax · 22/12/2020 18:19

Can't believe some of the replies here. The MN warcry is "if a man doesn't want children then he should take responsibility for contraception", and that's exactly what he's done...but somehow he's still at fault because OP wants a baby?

mindutopia · 22/12/2020 18:21

That sounds really sensible of him. 2 years together and you're still quite young. I definitely didn't want kids before I was 30. And actually probably dh would have happily waited a few more years too, but I am 7 years older than him, so early 30s for me and my fertility was mid-late 20s for him.

IndecentFeminist · 22/12/2020 18:21

Aren't most people agreeing with him Nunia?

nosswith · 22/12/2020 18:22

Whilst I sympathise with the view of not wanting a child until 30 (and in some cases, a man-child in their early twenties grows up by then and will be a better dad), no sympathy for men who don't use condoms.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 22/12/2020 18:23

Honestly OP don’t make the silly mistake of having kids before 30, you do not want that burden. Ohh my kids must be mistakes then 😂 I wanted to be a younger mum so that when/if I become a grandparent I have plenty of energy to look after the grandchildren! I also don't want to be knackered parenting teens!

covidaintacrime · 22/12/2020 18:23

no sympathy for men who don't use condoms.

What, ever?

ivykaty44 · 22/12/2020 18:23

time to move on, you want different things and aren't on the same page

TheYearOfSmallThings · 22/12/2020 18:23

He’d be unwise to stay with a woman he couldn’t trust to be telling the truth when she said she’d got an implant, coil or injection

True, but he is already not trusting her to take her pill. Assuming of course that any of this is real.

Biancadelrioisback · 22/12/2020 18:24

If you asked me at 24yo if/when I wanted a baby, I would have said in my 30s or not at all.
I was pregnant at 26yo and now have a wonderful 4 year old who I wouldn't change for the world.
So much can happen between 24 and 30. He might change his mind, but he might not. Unfortunately you either take the risk or end things now before more heartache.

RoSEbuds6 · 22/12/2020 18:25

Sorry to hear you're suffering OP, it's horrible having that absolute yearning hunger for a child and knowing that your partner isn't with you. How has he been about your miscarriage, does he know you're grieving?
I would worry that you could wait 6 years, and he changes his mind... Sending hugs and hope you feel better.

FTMF30 · 22/12/2020 18:30

@PolkadotGiraffe

A bit patronising to say someone is sensible "for their age" at 24.

Why is it patronising? Confused People generally become more mature as they get older. It's not patronising, it is a fact of human development.

Also, you say the average age is 30 for a first time mum but then say that means "it's much older for many". Well that means its much younger for many too, otherwise the average would fall higher than 30.

Well, obviously. Self-evidently an average will have a range either side. My post wasn't denying the existence of mothers in their teens or twenties. I don't understand your point here.

It's patronising to say "for your age". It implies you can't possibly be sensible of you're younger.

I don't understand your point of pointing out the average age of first time mums and saying some are alot older, when OPs point was wanting a baby now and having to wait so long (if she waited for hey boyf). Other people's ages would be irrelevant if you want a child now.

I personally did wait to have a child until I was 30 (bang on) but there seems to be a lot of encouragement on MN for women to wait until you're in your mid 30s to have your first. There's lots of benefits to waiting until your that old, but there's lots of disadvantages (and increased risk) too. Being an older mother isn't the pinnacle of sensibilty.

But I agree with the majority, with all things considered, it's best to wait at least a little while.