Boyfriend doesn't want a baby until he's 30.

[Improbablyinreasonable]

Hi,
I'm 27 and my boyfriend is 24.
We have been together 2 years.

I've been on the pill since we met and we never used condoms, we relied on the pill.
I got caught in September and was pregnant.
Boyfriend didn't want to keep the baby but I wasn't 100%. But I guess I was around 7 weeks (judging by period) and it ended in a miscarriage anyway.
Boyfriend has a very well paid job and I am an agency teacher, so looking back it probably wasn't the best time for a baby with the uncertainity of whether schools will stay open. But either way, I was really sad.

Boyfriend has now decided to use condoms as he doesn't want it to happen again, and I am totally fine with this ofcourse.
But with christmas coming up, I feel sad. Knowing I should be around 3 months along now :(
I expressed my sadness to boyfriend and we ended up having a discussion about babies and he said he wants to be around 30 when he tries for a baby. This will make me 33.
But it seems so long away :( a couple of friends had babies last year and one announced pregnancy in July. I feel like christmas should be a happy time but I can't stop feeling broody :(

Very sorry about your miscarriage OP.
Be kind to yourself, you’re still grieving even if unplanned, so him saying wait 6 years is telling you he’s not as sad as you are/understanding your feelings/things are getting muddled.
Talk about what you want to be in place before kids, so do you want marriage/house first as that could take 6 years to save. If he’s not committed enough to marry if that’s something you both want then he won’t be for kids.

I think your boyfriend is sensible.

24 is very young for a man to be a father especially after many only leave uni at 22. He's got a lot of living to do before he ties himself down with another big, lifelong responsibility.

And also you have only known him for 2 years. If he was 35 and you'd dated for 2 years that's different. But men (and women) can change a lot between 22 and 30.

I'm really sorry about your miscarriage OP, it's a really horrible thing to go through.

My only bit of advice is that it really is best for both partners to be on the same sheet with kids and to make the decision together, totally irrespective of age. If your partner is saying that he isn't ready, he probably isn't, and that could make the experience of having a baby in the near future a really agonising one.

Having had lots of discussions about this with my DH, I'd advise that you sit down and talk through what readiness means to both of you. Then make a plan together to check in on things, perhaps once a year, to see where you are both at. Do all you can to make it a neutral conversation where you just share where you are at- it's not about planning, it's just about communicating how you feel. In my case, after a year or so, DH spontaneously came up with some goals and a timeline we could work to.

Hes being sensible, why would you want to have a child with someone who isn’t ready to be a parent?

If you would like a child sooner thats fine, but you have to decide if you want to wait, or if you want to find someone else to have a child with.

My partner is a little younger, hes 28 and we are getting married in April. We would like a child together, thats a process we’re going to start when he turns 29, that way he will most likely be 30/31 when he becomes a Dad. I would happily get the ball rolling as soon as we are married, vut he wants to wait a little while so thats that we’re going to do.

I’m really sorry for your loss, OP. Miscarriage sounds incredibly painful and grief can stay with you a long time.

Your boyfriend not wanting children yet however us a separate issue, and that’s his right. 30 is still young. Only you can decide if you want to wait for him, or leave to find someone else.

Personally I’d recommend getting married before having children anyway though, as that gives you far greater legal and financial protection.

I expect your emotions are still reeling at the moment. Give it a year and see how you feel. You’re still very young too.

Neither of you are wrong OP. That is a tricky age difference. I had similar. When I was 27 I was ready for a baby but my partner (who was 24, but we’d lived together since I was 21 and he was 18) said he wanted to wait till we were married, but he wanted a nice wedding too. So we waited and saved and got married when I was 31 (we already owned our home). Then I wanted to try for a honeymoon baby but he said no he wanted to be married for a year to be newlyweds (who’d already lived together for 10 years ). The week before our first anniversary I asked about it again and he said he wasn’t ready and didn’t want to think about it till he was 35. Which would make me 38. I thought about it and left him. I couldn’t take the risk. I was ready then and I didn’t want to wait. And what if he then said he didn’t want to at all? I would have absolutely hated him.

I had my first baby when I was 35, 2nd at 37 and 3rd at 39. I wish I’d started earlier tho. I wish I hadn’t waited around. I ended up marrying a man a year younger than exH. But he knew he wanted children, which we discussed very early in.

Fair enough that he doesn't want kids for 6+ years.
But fair enough to you for feeling like this doesn't suit you and your desires.
If you're not compatible it's too bad. Do not put your life on hold for a man.
He might not be ready at 30. You may not at 33+ have time then to meet someone new and then get pregnant. Sorry but I've seen it happen to friends.

I think a frank and open conversation is the best way forward here. My husband and I have a very similar age difference - I will be 33 in Jan and he turns 30 in September - and I was very conscious from early on that I would likely be ready for kids (and indeed marriage) before him. We had some conversations fairly early on about each of our concerns and attempted to set some criteria around when we would get engaged, married, start trying etc, recognising his desire not to settle down miles earlier than he would like, but also the biological reality of my circumstances. We agreed a time line that we were both comfortable with and we have stuck to it.

The key for me was agreeing to parameters where I'd have had enough time left if he'd changed his mind to walk away and try on my own - I didn't want to be floating along into my late thirties hearing 'maybe next year' until it was too late.

It's not just fertility that declines with age, it's also the risks involved with being pregnant and giving birth, and how well you recover afterwards. These things never seem to be mentioned but are true none the less.
It might be a bit soon after the miscarriage at the moment, so I'd probably wait 3 months whilst having a think.
Whilst he is sensible to want to be financially secure etc, he needs to be aware that as he is with someone 3 years older, he should take that into account. If you want to have 2 or 3 children and be done by 35, you probably want to start trying when you are about 29 and he is 26. If that is not going to be possible for him, I would get out now.

@Thewiseoneincognito

Honestly OP don’t make the silly mistake of having kids before 30, you do not want that burden.

I think it's an excellent idea to have children before 30. I wouldn't see it as a burden at all.

However, both people need to be in agreement about it.

@partyatthepalace

You are bound to feel sad, and hopefully you can talk c that with him.

30 is a fair enough to wait for kids. If you want to be a bit younger than 33 perhaps you could compromise on bringing it down a year or two. Let dust settle and chat w him. Expect there are lots of things you’d both like to do that would be easier pre kids, so think c planning for that first?

It would be interesting to hear his response of OP suggested this. I think this is a fair point to both OP and her bf

I remember feeling jealous of my friends who had older partners that they wound up being ready for babies much sooner than us as my DH was the same age as me and wasn’t ready until we were 29. But I knew he was the kind of guy to not want to rush in and settle down so I basically mentally prepared him that 30 was a good age. By the time it got close he’d completely got used to the idea and was happy to start trying. Basically, he’s very young, and being perfectly reasonable. Either you love him so much you’re willing to wait and can drop hints that female fertility decreases after 30 etc in the hope that he’ll slightly reduce his target age; or you definitely prioritise having a baby sooner and cut your losses now.

The other thing to bear in mind is that if you only had a miscarriage a month or two ago your hormones will still likely be disrupted and so make you more broody.

I think some of this is grieving for the baby you lost, some more to do with being broody. I was 30 when I had my third child, but had wanted children since I was in my late teens.

It's patronising to say "for your age". It implies you can't possibly be sensible of you're younger.

No, it simply recognises the fact that in general people become more mature and sensible as they get older. A 14 year old is usually more sensible than a 4 year old. At 24 we expect someone to be more mature and sensible than an average 14 year old. And likewise someone of 34 is likely to be more mature than someone of 24 etc. Given that we don't know the OP's boyfriend, it's impossible to speak in anything other than general terms and not at all unreasonable to say that his attitude is a mature one for his age.

If I was implying it was "impossible" for him to be sensible/ mature at 24 as you claim, then I wouldn't have posted a comment saying the exact opposite (that he sounds sensible) would I? Your weird and oddly angry remarks are completely illogical.

@PolkadotGiraffe Well we also know that he doesn't want to be a father at 24 and now wants to take precautions to prevent that. Not outstandingly sensible imo, just sensible.

If you want to read into my comment as being oddly angry that's on you. I was just pointing out YOUR illogical statement about the average age of first time mums and your patronising statement🤷‍♀️

My statement about the average age of first time mothers, and that therefore the range of ages spreads around that average, was simply factual. And my comment regarding having a sensible attitude for someone of 24 was not patronising as I've explained but again based on the fact that humans generally mature as they become older. I didn't say he it was exceptionally sensible, just sensible, then for some reason unfathomable to me you've got all wound up about it which is very odd. But you carry on, if reading things into people's posts that they have not said makes you happy. I don't see how you derailing the thread in this way is helping the OP, though.

@CheetasOnFajitas

I genuinely don’t know where to begin with the nonsense being spouted about age and energy by *@Littleyell and @VinylDetective*.

One is basing an entire theory on her Mum saying she felt a bit tired and the other is suggesting that working full time needs less energy than raising a child, conveniently forgetting that a lot of people in their forties are doing both.

Just stop with the sweeping statements, please. Accept that everyone’s circumstances are different and your energy levels/mental and physical ability to be a parent (within the overall window in which people can conceive naturally) cannot be correlated directly with age.

If it’s such crap perhaps you could explain why athletes’ and footballers’ careers are essentially over by their mid 30s? Young bodies and metabolisms function better, it’s biology. There’s a reason for women’s fertility declining, not least because ova don’t age well.

I don’t think either of you are in the wrong. If he’s really not ready to be father it’s probably best he isn’t just yet and that’s talking from experience. Maybe you could compromise at you being 30 and him being 27?

I’m sorry for your loss. I think at this stage the age difference counts. I think he's wise to wait until he's 30 but I totally get you not wanting to wait until your 33.

I'm with your boyfriend on this. Once you have kids life if very different. That's not to say its shit but it's very limiting. I had the most amzing time in my 20s and early 30s, I travelled the world and lived life to the full. I set myself up financially too.

You are not married, you've not committed fully, I think you are over thinking it to be honest.

Neither of you are in the wrong.

So after reading all of these comments what are your plans OP?

Sorry for your loss

Fair enough he is only 24 but you're not. Sorry to be blunt but...

He wants to be around 30 when starting to try for a baby
Emphasis on he
Around 30
So perhaps 31/32 depending on how his career is going etc
Might take a year or so to conceive (might not of course) but let's just say
You could well be 38 with reduced chances of getting pregnant

What are your plans? Engagement? Marriage? Living together? You've been together 2 years, when I was 24 if my partner wasn't showing me some level of commitment I'd have been showing him the door.

You do need to grieve for this loss,so concentrate on that for now.

But if it were me I'd be wanting some serious talking next year

Good luck x

If it’s such crap perhaps you could explain why athletes’ and footballers’ careers are essentially over by their mid 30s? Young bodies and metabolisms function better, it’s biology. There’s a reason for women’s fertility declining, not least because ova don’t age well.

I wasn’t talking about fertility or the ability to compete in elite sport, I was talking about overall physical/mental ability to parent a child in 20s to 50s. In that context there is no material difference.

@CheetasOnFajitas your ignorant. Several posters are saying the same points and you still are choosing to deny the facts!

Even some older mothers have also said on this post too