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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend doesn't want a baby until he's 30.

182 replies

Improbablyinreasonable · 22/12/2020 15:37

Hi,
I'm 27 and my boyfriend is 24.
We have been together 2 years.

I've been on the pill since we met and we never used condoms, we relied on the pill.
I got caught in September and was pregnant.
Boyfriend didn't want to keep the baby but I wasn't 100%. But I guess I was around 7 weeks (judging by period) and it ended in a miscarriage anyway.
Boyfriend has a very well paid job and I am an agency teacher, so looking back it probably wasn't the best time for a baby with the uncertainity of whether schools will stay open. But either way, I was really sad.

Boyfriend has now decided to use condoms as he doesn't want it to happen again, and I am totally fine with this ofcourse.
But with christmas coming up, I feel sad. Knowing I should be around 3 months along now :(
I expressed my sadness to boyfriend and we ended up having a discussion about babies and he said he wants to be around 30 when he tries for a baby. This will make me 33.
But it seems so long away :( a couple of friends had babies last year and one announced pregnancy in July. I feel like christmas should be a happy time but I can't stop feeling broody :(

OP posts:

Pumpertrumper · 22/12/2020 17:02

You see this is what really irritates me about MN!!

OP: I’m 27 and DP doesn’t want to TTC until I’m 33. I feel sad as this is such a long time.
MN: OMG why are you in such a rush? You’re soooooo very young now. Don’t rush him!

OP: So I’m 33 and have been with DP for 7+ years. He’s always said we could TTC when I was 33 but has now changed his mind/left me...etc
MN: ... well you probably shouldn’t have wasted 7 years waiting around. You need to get your act together as not got lots of time left now. Dump him and meet someone who wants the same things as you! Be more direct about what you want!!

SunshineCake · 22/12/2020 17:04

Only read the OP.

I am sorry you had a miscarriage. Such a difficult thing to go through for many women. Your boyfriend is doing the right thing. He doesn't want another fright so it taking responsibility and he has also said he doesn't want a child for a few years.

Babies before marriage isn't a great idea in most cases.

If you truly think he means thirty then you have time but you have to have a think about whether he is stringing you along. Get to 36 and you may have trouble conceiving. However, if you think he might be stringing you along you most definitely shouldn't be with him never mind having a baby with him, or hoping to.

Pumpertrumper · 22/12/2020 17:05

Honestly OP if you want a baby sooner than 33 that is a very valid feeling! You are allowed to want that and DP needs to take that into account just as much as you need to consider his desire to wait.

I’m so very sorry for your loss but I really do think you’d have struggled with DP had that pregnancy continued. I worry you would not have got to enjoy it the way you would have deserved xx

Bearnecessity · 22/12/2020 17:06

I think if you are prepared to compromise then he should too, it is not only his decision unless it is his red line.Not unreasonable if you want one at 30 then you have time for another at 33. A first one at 33 is leaving things a bit late imo.Altho' I know many women are leaving it very late these days.

Coffeeandcocopops · 22/12/2020 17:09

Two years isn’t very long. Do you live together, are you buying a house together. Sounds like you need to be more secure in your job too so that you can be equal partners. Have you saved a deposit. Sorry but 33 isn’t old to have a baby, I was 37 and 39. Anyone with toddlers is tired whatever their age. However 6 years is a long time to wait if you want a baby now or soon. See I didn’t want a baby at 24 so would have been ok waiting until I was 30. I wanted to make sure I was financially independent.

Nottherealslimshady · 22/12/2020 17:09

It's a tough one, you're young and haven't been together long. DH and I were together 7 years before trying. We've travelled all over, stayed in very not child friendly places and have a wealth of experiences to look back on from our child free days. We're also very financially stable and have had loads of time to get to know eachother, our families and how we want to raise children.

Although I knew when we'd been together a couple of years I wanted drop marry him and have a child with him, and he did me, I'm glad we waited until now. But you also have the risk of him getting to 30 and changing his mind and having wasted your time. Or you're just not compatible and you want a child younger.

I'm sorry about your miscarriage, I had one at around the same gestation, it sounds so early but it still hurts so much, I so wanted that baby and it really did make me want a baby even more. So I wouldn't make a decision about the future at the moment because you're still reeling from that loss and what could have been.

Dominicwestsscooter · 22/12/2020 17:11

He sounds very sensible. 24 is very young for him to having children, especially when you yourself don’t have a permanent job. He’s being sensible taking extra steps to ensure he doesn’t get you pregnant. Do you know why the pill failed, ie medication, failing to take etc.

Ginfordinner · 22/12/2020 17:12

And having kids before 30 is not a 'burden' as one poster very rudely states

I don’t think it was rude to say that. It is a very personal thing, and for some people it is a burden to have a baby before 30. You have no idea what their personal circumstances are.

or being a mother of a toddler when you're middle aged, like some posters promote on here! (Happens a lot on here but rarely in real life! Funny that!)

Now you are being rude

saraclara · 22/12/2020 17:12

See what his reaction is when you ask for a compromise. Quoting the fertility thing, ask how he'd feel about trying when you're 30. Bearing in mind that even if you conceive easily, he'll be 28 when the baby arrives.

Lookslikerainted · 22/12/2020 17:13

It sounds sensible now to wait, but as others have said don’t be 33 still with him and not married, own a house ect.

Notnt · 22/12/2020 17:15

It is a predicament, I'm not sure what the solution would be, however just wanted to say that although people will tell you that you're still young and should wait, etc., if you feel ready now and want children, as well as mourning the baby you lost, that's all perfectly valid. I don't think there is a perfect time to have them, it's when you feel ready and well-prepared, which is different for everyone.

My partner is very early 20s and I'm very early 30s. We have one child and one due very soon, but it worked because he wanted children young and I didn't want to wait much longer. If he hadn't wanted them until later, I'm not sure how we would've worked it out.

wildraisins · 22/12/2020 17:21

He is very young, very few guys want to be fathers at that kind of age but women often start feeling broody in their mid-late 20's.

You just need to decide if you're happy to wait and if you're not, leave the relationship and find someone who is a better match. Don't let him call all the shots - you need to be sure of what you want!

knittingaddict · 22/12/2020 17:25

@Pumpertrumper

You see this is what really irritates me about MN!!

OP: I’m 27 and DP doesn’t want to TTC until I’m 33. I feel sad as this is such a long time.
MN: OMG why are you in such a rush? You’re soooooo very young now. Don’t rush him!

I think you've summed it up nicely.

I suppose this is the problem with age gaps that way round and I feel for the op.

As for the person saying that having children before you're thirty is a burden. More of a burden than having them in your 30's or 40's? I had mine in my early to mid 20's and it was a perfectly valid and sensible decision for us.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 22/12/2020 17:27

Sorry about the mc, that’s so very recent
He’s not wrong about waiting,that’s fair enough, and you must respect his decision
If you’re a solid couple you will continue to bond and when you have baby you’ll be fine

Littleyell · 22/12/2020 17:31

24 is very young so I can understand him not been ready.

Out of interest OP if the Pregnacy would have continued deep down what would you have done?

Only you can decide. I wouldn’t be happy to start having my first baby at 33!

LisaLee333 · 22/12/2020 17:32

@Pumpertrumper

You see this is what really irritates me about MN!!

OP: I’m 27 and DP doesn’t want to TTC until I’m 33. I feel sad as this is such a long time.
MN: OMG why are you in such a rush? You’re soooooo very young now. Don’t rush him!

This. ^ In spades!

I am really sorry this happened to you.

Coffeeandcocopops · 22/12/2020 17:32

Age is a personal thing when deciding to have children. I had mine later but that’s because previous boyfriends did not want children until older so I had to keep moving on. Perhaps if my boyfriend at age 24 had wanted kids then I would have had kids then. It’s luck and circumstances.

Purpler5 · 22/12/2020 17:35

Sorry for your loss OP.

He's right to not rush at his age and especially being a man.

For you however, I agree with a PP that you need to think very carefully about waiting another 6 years whilst you are at your most fertile. E.g would you be happy to spend the rest of your life with him if babies didn't happen?

zigaziga · 22/12/2020 17:35

I think you’re both, especially him, pretty young.

Personally I would be working on a plan towards the things that would ideally come before having a baby with a goal of then being in the ideal place to have a baby in 5 years or so. So setting a savings goal, working towards a promotion, buying a home together etc. Also of course enjoying being young and child free. Before we TTC we had a huge holiday that I knew we couldn’t really do with kids for instance. Also used to go on long weekends on the spur of the moment, that sort of thing.

Littleyell · 22/12/2020 17:36

@Ginfordinner

And having kids before 30 is not a 'burden' as one poster very rudely states

I don’t think it was rude to say that. It is a very personal thing, and for some people it is a burden to have a baby before 30. You have no idea what their personal circumstances are.

or being a mother of a toddler when you're middle aged, like some posters promote on here! (Happens a lot on here but rarely in real life! Funny that!)

Now you are being rude

🤣🤣🤣🤣 Don’t give it if you can’t take it.

knittingaddict · 22/12/2020 17:37

I do sympathise op. I got broody almost as soon as I got married and I was almost 21 when we married each other,s o very young, especially in this day and age. We had a pre marriage agreement to wait 3 years before we had a baby and my husband held us to that agreement. It was totally the right decision as we had the chance to enjoy life as a couple and makes ourselves financially secure.

I think the important thing is to look at buying a home if you haven't already and I can't stress enough how important I think it is to be married before you have children. You don't need to have all your ducks in a row, but some stability is vital before you bring babies into the mix.

AcrossthePond55 · 22/12/2020 17:37

I think it's very reasonable of him to want to wait until he's 30. And commendable that he's been honest with you about it. A lot of men hem and haw and dance round the issue to keep the woman. At least you know where he stands.

Of course, he could always change his mind (either way) and that's his prerogative. I certainly wouldn't sit silently for 6 years, I'd probably have a discussion yearly to see if his 'timetable' has changed.

It's up to you to decide if you're content to wait for 6 more years before you TTC. I had my second at 34 and I think it was a good age to have a child.

Duanphen · 22/12/2020 17:38

You can't really expect a 24 year old to be thinking about babies. I was 25 when I had my first, in a 6-year relationship (now 17 year) and with a house and a good job with great prospects. I was a bit of an odd 25. Nowadays? It would be insane unless he has an excellent job and owns a property (you can't realistically rent with children, unless you fancy being kicked out every 6 months so the landlord can put the rent up.)

Want babies? Date men who are almost 30. He's 24, you've no chance, and it'd be irresponsible. He will not stay.

Snapcat · 22/12/2020 17:39

I’m sorry about your miscarriage. I don’t think 27 is particularly young to be wanting a baby. I started ttc at 27 but my DH was 30. To be fair to your partner he’s been very clear that for him babies aren’t an option for the next 6 years and that’s a boundary that has to be respected. It doesn’t seem like you are compatible on this issue, and if it’s something you feel very strongly about it would probably be better to go your separate ways sooner rather than it become a point of friction in a deteriorating relationship.

Daphnise · 22/12/2020 17:42

His is a practical view, and if you stay together you would be advised to go along with it.

If you fall pregnant again after hearing his view, and he hasn't changed his mind, it might be the end of the relationship.

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