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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend doesn't want a baby until he's 30.

182 replies

Improbablyinreasonable · 22/12/2020 15:37

Hi,
I'm 27 and my boyfriend is 24.
We have been together 2 years.

I've been on the pill since we met and we never used condoms, we relied on the pill.
I got caught in September and was pregnant.
Boyfriend didn't want to keep the baby but I wasn't 100%. But I guess I was around 7 weeks (judging by period) and it ended in a miscarriage anyway.
Boyfriend has a very well paid job and I am an agency teacher, so looking back it probably wasn't the best time for a baby with the uncertainity of whether schools will stay open. But either way, I was really sad.

Boyfriend has now decided to use condoms as he doesn't want it to happen again, and I am totally fine with this ofcourse.
But with christmas coming up, I feel sad. Knowing I should be around 3 months along now :(
I expressed my sadness to boyfriend and we ended up having a discussion about babies and he said he wants to be around 30 when he tries for a baby. This will make me 33.
But it seems so long away :( a couple of friends had babies last year and one announced pregnancy in July. I feel like christmas should be a happy time but I can't stop feeling broody :(

OP posts:
AwaAnBileYerHeid · 22/12/2020 17:42

Seems sensible. You'll be 33 and he'll be 30..perfect ages! Make the most of the next few years, live an amazing life before settling down.

AliceMcK · 22/12/2020 17:43

You have time, enjoy the you time together. Your probably feeling emotional after the miscarriage. You may need to talk to someone to process your feelings.

Just make sure as his 30th approaches you have a conversation with him to make sure he is still on the same page as people do change their minds. Just because he says it now dose not mean he dosnt mean it, but he may still not be ready in 6 years. Now I’ve written 6 years it dose feel like a long wait, maybe in 2 years sit down and have the conversation again. The last thing you want to do is keep putting it off until he’s ready then it be too late.

Thewinterofdiscontent · 22/12/2020 17:44

I really dislike all the talk about being “sensible” You and your body know when it wants a baby.
You can have a life without one of course but if a very fundermental urge. Don’t talk yourself out of it because of circumstances.
Of course it’s easier with a good career and money snd a great supportive family but no one knows what the future holds.Trust your instincts on this.

FestiveChristmasLights · 22/12/2020 17:44

I’m sorry. Flowers

I think he is being very reasonable to be 24 and only two years into a relationship with someone who isn’t financially stable by saying no. Equally, I can understand why it’s not a feeling you share.

Kitten11x · 22/12/2020 17:45

I think that he may ‘come around’ sooner but this is something that you will have to wait and see. There’s no guarantees in life . He may have to compromise and you may have to compromise , 24 is young . I’d honestly give it a year or two and get some stability first .

Kitten11x · 22/12/2020 17:46

Also I’m sorry for your loss . It’s absolutely natural for you to feel how you do

shelbyrae · 22/12/2020 17:48

I would say this is a compromise situation. 6 years is a long time for you to wait. Plus like other people have said, what if he gets there and says a couple more years?

I was in a relationship where my oh was adamant that he wanted kids when he was 30. Then it was 35. Now he's saying 40+. (Btw we're no longer together!) But I'd be careful if this is something you unequivocally want...it can't just be up to him that you have to wait so long. Otherwise like others have said what happens if it then takes a while? Not to freak you out at all but my mum tried for a second baby when she was 34 and had to go through years of IVF - it's not a guarantee you can wait and then it'll happen on schedule.

Good luck x

LunaTheCat · 22/12/2020 17:50

Op I feel for you and am sorry about your loss - that makes his feelings harder.
I have a different point of view. Perhaps 10 percent of couples have difficulty conceiving - even in their 20’s. Many start to try and conceive in early 30’S and by then it is a year before accessing any
fertility treatments and then it can be a long wait. After 37 women’s fertility drops with - it isn’t the same for men.
Relationships involve mutual support and ability to change minds. Humans grow and must learn to change. You are feeling sad at the loss of your baby and your husband is sticking to strict timeline designed by him and not wanting to be flexible. He is possibly prioritising financial things. Is he controlling in other ways?. I think it may be good to talk to counsellor - start with your gp. In my professional role I see plenty devoted brilliant caring parents in their 20s

Viviennemary · 22/12/2020 17:51

He is only 24 so he's quite young even to be thinking about babies. Six years into the future will seem a long time to him. I wouldn't hang on for six years in the hope he'll keep his word.

yetanothernamitynamechange · 22/12/2020 17:51

He sounds responsible. It would be worse if he was blase about having a child and then skipped of into the sunset when it became difficult. I would also try to work out whether you are sad about not having A child or whether you are sad about not having THE child you miscarried. Even if the timing was completely wrong for you both, it is still perfectly natural and normal to be sad at miscarrying and to think about what might have been. I would give it some time for the dust to settle and then have a very serious think about how you actually see the future panning out and what you want. It might be that you and your partner are both at different life stages, which is fine, but you need to be honest with yourself and him about that. Or, given that you are young too, it might be that you are actually happy to stay with him, work on your careers, friendhips and ambitions and enjoy being together and childfree for 6 more years.

CheetasOnFajitas · 22/12/2020 17:53

If you had not become pregnant, where would you have seen the relationship going? We’re you already looking at a long term future together eg marriage or buying a house? 2 years is not long at all, especially for a 24 year-old and it’s not unusual for there to have been no conversations at that stage about the long term future.

Did the pregnancy prompt these conversations, or were you already ha I guess them? You need to make sure that neither of you was bounced into it by the situation you found yourselves in, and make sure that you are really right for each other before jumping ahead to baby plans.

He sounds really sensible- a keeper, but you need to give him time. He’s unlikely to be looking at 30 as set in stone and if things are going well for you job and relationship wise you may find that he is ready a few years sooner. Bear in mid that he himself doesn’t my really know what a 30 year-old feels like; he’s just imagining how he might feel then.

He’s very wise to double up on contraception in the meantime. It sounds like you may have been a bit lax with taking your pill/remembering to take extra precautions if you had been sick etc. I suggest you get an implant or a coil or the injection and that way you don’t have to worry about human error-induced contraception failure and can stop faffing about with condoms.

33 may seem a long way away but it’s still a very average age to have a baby.

Littleyell · 22/12/2020 17:53

@LisaLee333 I agree with your comment about fertility. Only on MN do I hear people claiming they have as much energy with their toddlers as someone in their 20s. Forgetting they still have their teen years when they are 50+

Fertility is a ticking clock for us all. I wouldn’t go by someone having their first at 39 as a general guide!

covidaintacrime · 22/12/2020 17:54

Let's not infantalise people in their mid-twenties. If they both wanted children then their age should not be a barrier to that, because they are adults. Any idea of kids being a "burden" before 30 is nonsense.

OP, I don't have much advice other than to decide which is more of a priority for you - having babies now or waiting for your boyfriend specifically to be ready. You need to analyse what will make you feel most fulfilled. Best of luck x

CheetasOnFajitas · 22/12/2020 17:55

[quote Littleyell]@LisaLee333 I agree with your comment about fertility. Only on MN do I hear people claiming they have as much energy with their toddlers as someone in their 20s. Forgetting they still have their teen years when they are 50+

Fertility is a ticking clock for us all. I wouldn’t go by someone having their first at 39 as a general guide![/quote]
Sorry, what exactly do teens need that cannot be provided by someone in their fifties?!

IndecentFeminist · 22/12/2020 17:55

I wouldn't have wanted a baby at 24 either tbh, I'd have been pushing it at 27 too.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 22/12/2020 17:55

and can stop faffing about with condoms

If he doesn't want a baby he should keep using the condoms.

CheetasOnFajitas · 22/12/2020 17:56

@TheYearOfSmallThings

and can stop faffing about with condoms

If he doesn't want a baby he should keep using the condoms.

If she has a permanent form of contraception the risk is very low.
CheetasOnFajitas · 22/12/2020 17:56

Sorry I meant long-term, not permanent.

ncbby · 22/12/2020 17:59

People can be good parents aged 24 (or even a bit under in some circumstances). The attitudes on here towards young parents are pretty brutal.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 22/12/2020 18:01

If she has a permanent form of contraception the risk is very low

When a woman who is ready to have a baby, and whose friends are having babies, has already accidentally fallen pregnant once, her DP would be unwise not to take responsibility for his own fertility.

Nettleskeins · 22/12/2020 18:04

24 is a perfectly reasonable to become a parent.
27 optimum age imho (that is when my entire peer group had babies, I felt old at 33)

He needs to think about the next three years. I wouldn't be waiting for seven Hmm

Littleyell · 22/12/2020 18:05

@CheetasOnFajitas nothing. A lot of older mums tend to be more established. I meant energy wise..... 50+ with a teen (I at NO point suggested you couldn’t provide Hmm)

You can drop your rude tone too.

I think you have misunderstood I was simply saying whilst being a young mum and there’s quite a few shouting down at OP about being “established”. It always seem on MN like some kind of competition regarding being an older mum.

Redburnett · 22/12/2020 18:05

Perhaps reconsider the relationship given the age gap and your BF's attitude.

PolkadotGiraffe · 22/12/2020 18:06

The average age for a first time mother now is 30. This means it is much older for many. In my NCT group, for example, I was the youngest one being mid-30s at the time.

You are really young to become a mother. As you said you're not yet financially secure, and also this is a hard time for new mums with the limited social contact. Much better to wait.

I can understand that the miscarriage has triggered you feeling like this. Sad That said, I wouldn't be wanting to have a baby with a man who is 24 and who I'd only been with for two years. That's would be a bit reckless, and take away a big chunk of both of your 20s with caring for small children when it would be much better to get to know each other properly, travel, buy a house (if you haven't already), progress your career etc first. Your boyfriend sounds very sensible for his age.

Can you get some counselling to help you work through your feelings about your pregnancy loss?

Ginfordinner · 22/12/2020 18:08

24 is a perfectly reasonable to become a parent.

For you maybe, but clearly not for the boyfriend. There is no right or wrong anser here because it is such a personal thing to know when you want to become a parent. Neither the OP nor the BF are wrong. They just aren't in sync with each other.