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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not inviting my mum to my wedding?

270 replies

FearTheLiving · 21/12/2020 18:10

My partner and I are planning a wedding post COVID.
I have never wanted a wedding, I was happy to do the quirky one where you literally just sign the paper work and that’s it. However, my partner wants to do vows etc so we’ve decided to have a quickie ceremony with just two witnesses.

All of my family are ok with this, and my dad has offered to pay for a huge party after the wedding so it can be celebrated but without me having to go through with an actual ceremony. My mum is furious however that she can’t watch me get married. I’m having my best friend as my witness, as we are a lot closer as I am with my mum and my partner is having his brother.

Am I being a dick hole by not inviting her? My dad says to do what ever makes me happy but part of me does feel a bit bad that she won’t watch her only child get married.

OP posts:
MaverickDanger · 21/12/2020 18:12

We did a quickie ceremony with 7 people there. It still felt special and allowed our parents to see us legally get married. We had drinks and dinner after.

Is there a reason you’d restrict to just 2, rather than a couple more?

Original poster
FearTheLiving · 21/12/2020 18:15

If it was up to me I wouldn’t have anyone there at all.

OP posts:
HitthatroadJack · 21/12/2020 18:20

well, yes it's your wedding, but you can understand the disappointment for your mum. It sounds rather cruel. It's not like she is living in the UK and you are in Australia.

PurpleishDahlia · 21/12/2020 18:22

I don't know of this helps but I was in a similar situation with my dad and I used covid to my advantage. We got married in late November and as our families live in different cities there was no question of traveling, so everyone accepted it was what is was. If we got married post covid I probably couldn't have avoided having some family present.

RunningFromInsanity · 21/12/2020 18:23

It must be a huge disappointment to to be invited to your daughters wedding.
Ultimately it’s your choice but I would be devastated.

nosswith · 21/12/2020 18:24

It is your wedding. Yours not your mum's, or your future in-laws.

YANBU.

winterbabythistime · 21/12/2020 18:25

I don't understand why you wouldn't invite your mum? Of course she's upset.

MiddlesexGirl · 21/12/2020 18:25

It's your wedding and your choice. If any of my dc decide to do this I will fully support them as should any parent.

ApplePie86 · 21/12/2020 18:25

YABU. My Mum would be utterly heartbroken if not invited to my wedding and I'm having as equally a small one as you.

Lookslikerainted · 21/12/2020 18:26

If he heartbroken not to see my child get married, but if it was what they really really wanted I would support them. However, if there is no back story here and you generally have a good relationship with your mum and it won’t affect your day/mood having here there, then have her. Would one extra person really hurt?

katy1213 · 21/12/2020 18:26

It is a bit mean.

HitthatroadJack · 21/12/2020 18:27

@nosswith

It is your wedding. Yours not your mum's, or your future in-laws.

YANBU.

if the only request if for the mum to be present and witness whatever her daughter chose, it does sound cruel.

It's not like the family is demanding a full white meringue wedding with all the trimmings, or whatever else family can argue about.

DimidDavilby · 21/12/2020 18:29

Sorry couldn't get past dick hole? What the fuck is a dick hole?

PlantPotPat · 21/12/2020 18:31

Thing is, if you are doing the marriage registration thing where you have a maximum of 2 witnesses (and is the legal minimum) , it costs about £100 and takes about 10 minutes. There is no 'ceremony' for your mum to see. It's just signing the paperwork. If you want any more witnesses, the next step up is the actual ceremony which is around £500. Seems a big jump just to add your mum, when you don't want anyone there.

It's not a right to see someone get married is it, even if they are your child.

WhereamI88 · 21/12/2020 18:31

Why are you so adamant not to have anyone there? Do you WANT to get married? If so, why? Because I find it strange that you would sideline your own parents during one of the most meaningful event of one's life (unless of course the relationship with the parents is bad but it doesn't sound like it).

Griefmonster · 21/12/2020 18:31

@RunningFromInsanity "devastated"?! By a child marrying in a way that makes them happy?

@FearTheLiving - it sounds like an emotionally immature reaction from your mother albeit a depressingly common one it seems.

You have every right to your own wedding, in your own way.

Enjoy!

formerbabe · 21/12/2020 18:31

Unless there's a backstory where we find out your mother is a hideously cruel, abusive woman, yabvu...I'd be devastated if my dc got married without me being there.

ArtfulScreamer · 21/12/2020 18:33

My DD isn't yet 2 so not a position I'll be finding myself is anytime soon but I'd be devastated to not see her get married. I'd try and be gracious like your dad and smile politely and say if that's what she wants etc but I'd probably to struggle to hide my hurt. A close friend got married in Vegas years ago with only her bestie and her partner invited, it caused a bit of upset with the grooms parents but my friend at the time was like it's what we want stuff them however when she had her own son she admitted she wished she'd handled it differently as having her own son allowed her to understand a little better how her MIL must've felt.

Milkshake7489 · 21/12/2020 18:34

It's your wedding and you can do whatever you want... but unless there's a huge back story it seems really mean not to allow your mum to watch.

Soontobe60 · 21/12/2020 18:34

@MiddlesexGirl

It's your wedding and your choice. If any of my dc decide to do this I will fully support them as should any parent.
Easy to say... not so easy to do if the situation ever arises.
HotSince63 · 21/12/2020 18:34

That's lousy.

If you wanted to do it the way you are, you'd have been better presenting it as a done deal after the event.

But "hey mum, I"m getting married, oh and P.S. you're not invited".

Happy with a big party, but not happy with one extra person, your own mum, at the ceremony. Nah that's shit.

NewMumma1819 · 21/12/2020 18:37

We are ultimately going to do this and if you chose the option where its only 2 witnesses allowed then as someone above said, you won't be allowed her if you still have your friend. I completely get where you're coming from, I couldn't deal with the hassle of it all either. Do it your way - she'll just have to deal with it. I will fully support my DS should he chose to go down this route.

Autumnismyseason · 21/12/2020 18:37

Cruel and self absorbed

Soontobe60 · 21/12/2020 18:39

@PlantPotPat

Thing is, if you are doing the marriage registration thing where you have a maximum of 2 witnesses (and is the legal minimum) , it costs about £100 and takes about 10 minutes. There is no 'ceremony' for your mum to see. It's just signing the paperwork. If you want any more witnesses, the next step up is the actual ceremony which is around £500. Seems a big jump just to add your mum, when you don't want anyone there.

It's not a right to see someone get married is it, even if they are your child.

My DD got married last summer - they had a registry office wedding with 2 witnesses the day before their ‘wedding’. Only 2 witnesses allowed. Her stepdaughter (9) wanted to go and wait outside so she could throw confetti so I went along to sit with her whilst they got married. The registrars were happy for us both to go in and watch, which my DD was pleased about. I didnt really mind not watching the actual registry do, as their wedding day was quite a big thing that I did the speech for! So getting to watch in the end was a bonus.
Griefmonster · 21/12/2020 18:39

@HotSince63 - your emphasis on "you're" implies everyone is invited except the mother. That's not the case. The bare minimum guests are invited. And you know once you add "one more person" it stops being the couple and essential witnesses and becomes guests. So why the mother and no-one else? Because otherwise she'll have a strop? Why is a marriage the time for a child to put their own needs and preferences below their parents?