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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not inviting my mum to my wedding?

270 replies

FearTheLiving · 21/12/2020 18:10

My partner and I are planning a wedding post COVID.
I have never wanted a wedding, I was happy to do the quirky one where you literally just sign the paper work and that’s it. However, my partner wants to do vows etc so we’ve decided to have a quickie ceremony with just two witnesses.

All of my family are ok with this, and my dad has offered to pay for a huge party after the wedding so it can be celebrated but without me having to go through with an actual ceremony. My mum is furious however that she can’t watch me get married. I’m having my best friend as my witness, as we are a lot closer as I am with my mum and my partner is having his brother.

Am I being a dick hole by not inviting her? My dad says to do what ever makes me happy but part of me does feel a bit bad that she won’t watch her only child get married.

OP posts:

Fairyliz · 21/12/2020 19:11

Do you are happy for your parents to pay for a big party but don’t want them at the actual wedding?
If you don’t want a lot of fuss why have a big party?
I am sure your dad is feeling really upset too but hiding his feelings better. I personally think this could hurt your relationships.

Vates · 21/12/2020 19:12

My Mum isn't alive but she would have said 'do what makes you happy'. Because she was lovely and not a pain in the arse. And Dad hasn't been around solidly since 16 so wouldn't get/deserve any say.

TomHardysXmasSprouts · 21/12/2020 19:15

I did this 30 years ago. Just me, DH and two witnesses. Told parents afterwards. Dad was cool but mum was pissed off and wrote a letter telling us how disappointed she was.

She has never acknowledged our wedding anniversary!

I wouldn’t change it. Your day. Do it your way!

And congratulations!

taskmasterfan · 21/12/2020 19:17

I can totally related to the feeling of loving someone and being very committed and wanting to be married, and not equating that to a wedding-and what that traditionally entails. I have twice wanted to be married and not wanted a wedding. The first time i lost my wish and had a perfectly nice wedding but it wasn't me and i felt overwhelmed and like i was having an out of body experience all day. I was delighted when it was over. But deliriously happy to be married. But i could not wait to get home and be on our own.

Sadly that didnt work out, and i am toying with the idea of marrying again. I would do what i wanted this time and not be pushed around. My mum makes throwaway comments like that if we went abroad and got married she would never speak to us again. Which makes me feel sad as i just feel manipulated and controlled and like she is only thinking about what she wants.

I hope i would be able to make her understand if thats what i eventually choose.

I would go down the route of we are getting married but its not a 'wedding'. The more people we invite and the more opinions we take on board the more weddingy it will become. Could you ask her to organise a family lunch or meal a week later to acknowledge it? Mums sometimes want a job to do to feel part of things. Perhaps ask her how she could feel included but it still be what you want?

ClaireP20 · 21/12/2020 19:19

I would be devastated if you were my daughter. That is terrible. Your husband should be telling you this.

UntamedWisteria · 21/12/2020 19:24

I did not have my parents at my actual wedding, which was in a register office with a few close friends (no family from either side). So technically they did not see me get married.

But we did go through the whole church, vows, reception, celebration deal a month later with everyone there.

Original poster

FearTheLiving · 21/12/2020 19:26

My parents aren’t together no. I didn’t want a party either but my dad has said he wants to do that for us and it means I don’t have to stand in front of loads of people I can just skip in after the ceremony.

My mum thinks we’re close, but we’re not really. I just want it to be me and my husband. We’re having two witnesses because we have to. And our daughter but she’s just a child.

The thought of standing in front of people and making vows honestly makes me feel sick I just don’t want to do it.

OP posts:

Purplecatshopaholic · 21/12/2020 19:33

Your wedding - do it your way

Nanny0gg · 21/12/2020 19:33

@FearTheLiving

My mum thinks we’re close, but we’re not really. I just want it to be me and my husband. We’re having two witnesses because we have to. And our daughter but she’s just a child.

The thought of standing in front of people and making vows honestly makes me feel sick I just don’t want to do it.

But you're still having a party you don't want - where you'll be the centre of attention

callmeadoctor · 21/12/2020 19:35

Would you be upset if your daughter didn't want you at your wedding? I know I would be very sad indeed. Surely won't enjoy the day if you know your mum is upset?

FuzzyPuffling · 21/12/2020 19:36

One of my children did this (but without the party) I support them completely in their choices...but inside I am very sad I wasn't there.

underneaththeash · 21/12/2020 19:37

That's really, really mean OP.

HotSince63 · 21/12/2020 19:37

You'll have a party you don't want - to please your dad.

But you won't have one extra person, your mum - at the registry office.

Makes no sense at all. I can see why she's very upset, can't you?

BackforGood · 21/12/2020 19:39

If you have a good relationship with your Mum why would you prevent her watching hrr only child getting married? Honestly I think you are being horrible to your Mum. It willost.likely affect your relationship with her. I would be devastated if one of my children did this to me. If you have a very poor relationship with your Mum I could more understand.

This ^
If you have a strained relationship, then I'd say, 'Fair enough, up to you', but if you love her, then why exclude her like that from what ought to be a very lovely day.
As others were saying, if you were literally going to 'get some papers signed' and not making it into a celebration, then I could sort of understand, but you then say you are having a big party.
So, yes, as you are asking, YABU IMO.

LouHotel · 21/12/2020 19:40

It's up to you assuming there isnt some hideous backstory about your relationship but I would be extremely sad if my children didn't want me at their wedding.

Your entitled to the wedding you want and she's entitled to feel hurt by her childs actions.

beavisandbutthead · 21/12/2020 19:41

hmm i expected to read that your parents were divorced...you have the support of your dad and now your mother who wants to see her DD get married is unreasonable.

My mum has 4 DDs and hasnt seen any of us married, she is very upset. I totally understand why she would be,...anyone that thinks they are being selfish to be upset arw BU. They are allowed to be upset. I have one DD and if she chose to go abroad or have a small wedding with no family , yes I would be upset. She can make her choices, but I am assuming those that prioritise there friends before family are the same that come on here bleating that there mothers dont provide childcare or baby sitting.

Only me and my sister are married, my sister used the excuse of not being invited for the full day to a close cousins wedding to bugger off abroad. She left her DC too whilst spending thousands on her ring and wedding. She complained that my mother wasnt available for her childcare needs too....As for me it wasnt planned, we had 5 hrs notice for my wedding as it was fast tracked due to long term partner being ill and having ground breaking surgery. My mum and his was upset but I had a couple of hours to se it up and had stand by witnesses. So it was only 4 of us....

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 21/12/2020 19:41

My dad says to do what ever makes me happy but part of me does feel a bit bad that she won’t watch her only child get married
Of course it is your wedding, and it should be what you want, but unless there is a backstory, you already feel a bit sad for her.

Its a quick ceremony and it would just be 3 people... it would be kinder to let her watch quietly at the back if she wants to so much. Unless you think she might wreck the joint or be intrusive or annoying.

I think it would be very hard for your mum at the party that your Dad is hosting (so he gets to play a role) if she has people asking her why she wasn't at her only child's wedding. She might accept it gracefully ,but it would feel like a huge rejection.

HitthatroadJack · 21/12/2020 19:42

For someone who really cannot bear anyone looking at them, surely a party full of people is a lot more to ask than a mother being in the same room

Clearly a back story, but let's be honest, most normal mothers would be sad to miss the wedding. It's not about supporting or not, it's just sad to be kept away when you are geographically close enough to attend.

mayday678 · 21/12/2020 19:43

Your wedding your choice. How dear people say you're cruel for doing what you want on YOUR wedding. Your mum may be sad but she shouldn't have told you and "be furious" in front of you. Like a toddler tantrum and somewhat manipulative to guilt trip you into inviting her. Not ok. Well done on dad to tell you to do what makes you happy !

HitthatroadJack · 21/12/2020 19:43

I have one DD and if she chose to go abroad or have a small wedding with no family , yes I would be upset.

I would be very upset too.

I would be a lot more upset if the wedding was local and I was specifically kept out of it.

Original poster

FearTheLiving · 21/12/2020 19:43

The party is for my family, not for me. Like I said, I didn’t really want that either but it’s my compromise on making everyone else happy. The actual wedding itself, me and my husband are happy with it just being us.

I know I’m being unreasonable, but I guess the fact I really do t want her there kind of says a lot about how I feel about our relationship.

OP posts:

Vates · 21/12/2020 19:43

You need to think hard and come to the conclusion that makes you happy and that you're comfortable with. It is your wedding! Even my Sister's wedding that was being planned when she was still here she didn't dictate. I personally don't understand close relations like this that try to guilt trip or manipulate a situation, etc. And, yes I have a personal thing against domineering women/men!

HitthatroadJack · 21/12/2020 19:44

mayday678
if you are genuine, you must have a very dysfunctional relationship with your parents and your own kids.

and the OP is happy to go along with a party she didn't want in the first place. Her poor mum.

Vates · 21/12/2020 19:45

But you're not being unreasonable! What is it that makes her act like this...is it wanting to wear a fancy outfit? Then she can do that at the party.

LouHotel · 21/12/2020 19:46

Hang on if your parents are divorced and the party is for your family which your dad is organising, will your mum and her side of the family be invited?

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