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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not inviting my mum to my wedding?

270 replies

FearTheLiving · 21/12/2020 18:10

My partner and I are planning a wedding post COVID.
I have never wanted a wedding, I was happy to do the quirky one where you literally just sign the paper work and that’s it. However, my partner wants to do vows etc so we’ve decided to have a quickie ceremony with just two witnesses.

All of my family are ok with this, and my dad has offered to pay for a huge party after the wedding so it can be celebrated but without me having to go through with an actual ceremony. My mum is furious however that she can’t watch me get married. I’m having my best friend as my witness, as we are a lot closer as I am with my mum and my partner is having his brother.

Am I being a dick hole by not inviting her? My dad says to do what ever makes me happy but part of me does feel a bit bad that she won’t watch her only child get married.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 21/12/2020 19:48

@Vates

But you're not being unreasonable! What is it that makes her act like this...is it wanting to wear a fancy outfit? Then she can do that at the party.
Thats so dismissive of the mums feelings. Most people would want to see their child get married because it's their child and such a significant moment...to dismiss her wanting to see her daughter get married as an excuse to wear a fancy outfit is awful.
Original poster
FearTheLiving · 21/12/2020 19:48

Yeah of course! My mum still gets along really well with my dad and his family.

OP posts:
Original poster
FearTheLiving · 21/12/2020 19:50

My mum was also furious that I didn’t let her watch me give birth btw which I found odd as none of my other friends had their mums there. I let her stay in the waiting room.

OP posts:
CornishTiger · 21/12/2020 19:52

I had my best friend and not my mother. It wasn’t easy choice but it was what I needed to do.

My best friend and I have a relationship that is unconditional and supportive. She wants the best for me.

My husband had his mother.

Musmerian · 21/12/2020 19:52

@winterbabythistime -not everyone has Hallmark card relationships with their mothers. The OP should do whatever she wants. This whole wedding obsession is ridiculous. I’ve got three DCs and if the6 want to get married quietly without family that would be fine and dandy with me.

FuzzyPuffling · 21/12/2020 19:52

Why not have your mum and your dad as your witnesses? (Assuming your partner doesn't want his family there?)

derxa · 21/12/2020 19:53

You have a piece of ice instead of a heart.

CakeRequired · 21/12/2020 19:53

I don't get being OK with the big party where you WILL be centre of attention, whether you like that or not and will probably be doing a first dance in front of everyone, but a ceremony must be as minimal as possible. That's two opposite things.

If you don't want the attention, fine, but just refuse to go to the party at all. I wouldn't be going if I didn't want one, they could waste their money all they want.

Really if I had a child that didn't want me at their wedding, unless they were a particularly shy person who hates being looked at at all, then I'd be questioning what I'd done wrong as a mother for my child to not want me there. I'd be upset, but because I'd think I'd failed them somehow. Dunno what your mum's reasons are though.

bubblesforlife · 21/12/2020 19:54

It’s your day for sure so do what you think is right.

But, you may not see it now, but in the long run, think about how you really feel about it? Is the upset caused now going to hang over your wedding memories like a black
Cloud? It’s already bothering you because you posted here.
Your mum is entitled to express her upset. It’s you getting married, but she’s your mum.

Musmerian · 21/12/2020 19:54

@ClaireP20 - her husband should be telling her because the OPs opinion isn’t valid ? Really?

Original poster
FearTheLiving · 21/12/2020 19:57

My husband doesn’t want a wedding either, we are pretty united in that. He just wants to say vows and he only wants his brother there.

The party... hopefully I’ll be so drunk I won’t care about the attention. That’s if a party even happens. I’m just trying to compromise to make everybody happy.

OP posts:
lookingatthings · 21/12/2020 19:58

Op I did this. It was perfect. My mum was disappointed but we don't have the relationship she thinks we have, and her presence / theatrics would have made me feel awkard and self conscious. Do what makes you happy. It's your wedding.

RedToothBrush · 21/12/2020 20:01

We ended up not inviting anyone to our ceremony because it was more controversial to invite even one person we knew simply because DH's mother would get the hump with it.

She still got the hump but she couldn't complain as much...

I'm still glad to this day we did it that way.

Vates · 21/12/2020 20:02

I am more worried by these responses trying to change the op's mind. You need to do what is best for you, op. What you feel comfortable with. And your Mum needs to realise that it doesn't remotely matter what she thinks...unless she'll be in the marriage too?!

WhereDoMyBluebirdsFly · 21/12/2020 20:02

YANBU! Not everyone has the saintly mother who only wants to see their child be happy. It's yours and your husbands day, do what makes you happy. It's not about her.

CheshireDing · 21/12/2020 20:09

Do it your own way OP. It’s not your mother’s wedding. Some people on here seem to be making a very big drama out of it 🙄 ‘devastated’ fgs!

Don’t be forced into it by your mother, you will only regret it. Cancel the party if you don’t want it, stand your ground.

jessstan1 · 21/12/2020 20:09

A quickie ceremony with only two witnesses is still a wedding. It's not quirky either, it's quite normal, plenty do that and have done so for years.

I don't understand why your mum can't be there, frankly, especially as it appears to mean so much to her.

You can have up to fifteen people at the 'quicky' ceremony.

shrill · 21/12/2020 20:10

You're getting married because your partner really wants to. You're not having any old body as a witness you have chosen your best friend above your mother. Yes it is weird that your mother wanted to be at the birth of your child but you stood firm and had her outside. You are compromising for your partner, your dad, and everyone else, but not your mother. Best friends come and sometimes suddenly go as we see very often on MN. If in years to come your DD makes such a choice how would you really feel, and I mean really feel. Good luck with whatever you decide.

C8H10N4O2 · 21/12/2020 20:10

I would be devastated if you were my daughter. That is terrible. Your husband should be telling you this

Why? its between an adult woman and her adult mother. Neither woman needs a man to tell one to do as the other tells her.

Its their wedding and their lives, nobody else's. Its nice when our opinions align with our adult children but its not reasonable to be "furious" when they don't, especially when the question is attending someone else's birth!

Hopeisnotastrategy · 21/12/2020 20:11

Former Registrar of Ceremonies (in later years) here.

Please don't do this OP. ☹️

Original poster
FearTheLiving · 21/12/2020 20:11

Quirky was a typo. I meant quickie. But with a y because I’m thick and can’t spell.

OP posts:
Original poster
FearTheLiving · 21/12/2020 20:14

Also I’m not getting married because he wants to. I want to marry him, I just don’t want the whole wedding thing. I don’t even want to wear a dress.

OP posts:
CornishTiger · 21/12/2020 20:16

@Hopeisnotastrategy

Former Registrar of Ceremonies (in later years) here.

Please don't do this OP. ☹️

Why not? She clearly doesn’t have a strong relationship with her mother.

Hardly surprised. Mother sounds like she is dramatic and overbearing

LH1987 · 21/12/2020 20:17

Do what you want, it is your day! (And DPs ofcourse). Party afterwards sounds like a nice compromise, have a few glasses of champagne and being the centre of attention won’t bother you so much!

JohnMiddleNameRedactedSwanson · 21/12/2020 20:17

I can see both sides here.

You’re having vows and a ceremony to please your partner.

You’re having a party to please your dad.

As far as you are concerned, your mum’s attendance is one area where you can put your foot down.

From her point of view, you are willing to compromise for everyone except her. Paradoxically, the concessions you have made for other people will make it harder for her to accept being excluded. This is not a reason not to do it but it is something to weigh up in your decision.

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