Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not inviting my mum to my wedding?

270 replies

FearTheLiving · 21/12/2020 18:10

My partner and I are planning a wedding post COVID.
I have never wanted a wedding, I was happy to do the quirky one where you literally just sign the paper work and that’s it. However, my partner wants to do vows etc so we’ve decided to have a quickie ceremony with just two witnesses.

All of my family are ok with this, and my dad has offered to pay for a huge party after the wedding so it can be celebrated but without me having to go through with an actual ceremony. My mum is furious however that she can’t watch me get married. I’m having my best friend as my witness, as we are a lot closer as I am with my mum and my partner is having his brother.

Am I being a dick hole by not inviting her? My dad says to do what ever makes me happy but part of me does feel a bit bad that she won’t watch her only child get married.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 22/12/2020 11:59

@FearTheLiving

There is no need for such nasty personal insults about my personality. I don’t have a great relationship with either of my parents I’m just trying to keep everyone happy on a day that is about me and my partner.
But you're not.

You're keeping your dad happy. It may well be that whatever you did wouldn't please your mum, so if I were you and you're going ahead with the wedding you want, I wouldn't wait for post-covid, I'd do it now. Even with random witnesses.

That way you get the wedding you want and it's not actually planned (in your mum's eyes) to leave her out.

I wouldn't have the party either...

yelyah22 · 22/12/2020 12:10

I don't think YABU at all, OP. I have a similar relationship with my mum and I feel the same. It's your wedding. Do what you like.

Original poster
FearTheLiving · 22/12/2020 12:12

My dad really couldn’t give a shit either way it’s really not to keep him happy Grin

He literally offered because it solves the problem of me having to put up with family being annoyed that I don’t want them at my wedding. They can all party and drink and fight and it’s not going to ruin my actual wedding.

OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 22/12/2020 12:13

That way you get the wedding you want and it's not actually planned (in your mum's eyes) to leave her out

But it isn't planned to leave her out, OP's father isn't attending either.

The party is the compromise which includes both parents and other family.

The only thing the OP isn't doing is affording her DM special treatment over the rest of the family.

lovepickledlimes · 22/12/2020 12:16

@FearTheLiving I think my worry with that is that to some people it is the ceremony they want to see and not the party etc and I think that is what your mum wanted

Paintedmaypole · 22/12/2020 12:46

I don't think I did insult your personality. I didn't say that you should necessaily invite your mother if she is truly so toxic and critical that it would make you unhappy then don't invite her. I just suggested some things to think about to understand why your relationship might be so difficult. Some parents do alienate children from te other parent after divorce, some parents do become over enmeshed with their children.I was suggesting a few things to think about to help you consider if you are being fair to her or not. They might not apply, in which case ignore them.

LindaEllen · 22/12/2020 13:01

I feel for you.

I want to get married, but honestly, being the centre of attention is my worst nightmare. I have anxiety, and hate even opening presents or cards in front of people on my birthday. I don't want to walk down the aisle with all eyes on me, nor do I want to say vows or even sign documents with people watching me.

So for me, I would absolutely want the wedding to be the bare minimum.

I would go for a party afterwards actually, as there's a much better opportunity to blend in with other people - you speak to most people briefly, but then they all socialise with each other, rather than staring at you the whole time, so I could deal with that.

But the ceremony side of things? I don't want any part of it.

I want a marriage, not a wedding.

However, we haven't done it yet, as I know that people will react in exactly the same way as your mum has.

Original poster
FearTheLiving · 22/12/2020 13:21

@LindaEllen that’s exactly how I feel. I. Any open gifts in front of people. Or even walk into a room when it’s already full of people. If I could have no witnesses I would.

OP posts:
Voice0fReason · 22/12/2020 21:25

I think all the answers have been given assuming a normal mother-daughter relationship.
Even with an excellent mother-daughter relationship, it's still any couple's right to have the wedding that they want.
I want my children to be happy. Their happiness is more important to me than mine. I would hate to think that they had changed their plans to something they didn't want, just to please me.

wineandroses1 · 22/12/2020 21:35

I understand excluding your mother when you really don’t have a good relationship with her. However, your child spends time alone with her, that must surely mean you think your child will be treated well, which belies that relationship. If I thought my mother to be so toxic that I couldn’t bear her to witness my wedding, why on earth would I allow my child to see her regularly? I really don’t get this. It feels vengeful and spiteful. Why would you want to do this? If your mother is so awful then keep your child away from her,

lovepickledlimes · 22/12/2020 21:42

@Voice0fReason but surely the wedding should be about the couple AND the people in their life not just the couple on their own. It's a big milestone and many people that care about the couple would love to see the two people they care about take this big step together

BarryWhiteIsMyBrother · 22/12/2020 21:54

You're not close. It's your wedding. It wouldn't make you happy. So why should you invite her? I didn't invite mine when I got married and haven't regretted it for a minute.

LovePoppy · 22/12/2020 23:09

@maddy68

Just ask your mum, it's important to her, it's not all about you
Her wedding isn’t all about her mother either.

Cuts both ways.

MiddlesexGirl · 22/12/2020 23:33

it's not all about you

No - but the only other person that it's about is the husband to be. Not the mum, dad or anyone else.

I'm so glad that I don't have these hangups about how my dc should live their lives. Must be very tiring having dc that don't fulfill every expectation.

BackforGood · 22/12/2020 23:52

I hardly think "including your Mum in what most people consider to be a very special, and important day in their life" is expecting anyone to "fulfill every expectations" Hmm

Thing is, if a person just wants 'to be married' and not have any fuss, then why not got to the registry office without telling anyone, just complete the legalities, and carry on as you were. Or just go for a nice meal somewhere with your new spouse.
But the OP isn't doing that.
She is telling people, in advance, that she will be getting married but not inviting her Mum. Her Mum that is that she sees every week.
She is having a big party. The 'wedding day' is important enough of an occasion to "allow" that to be bestowed upon her. Just not important enough to include her Mum at the ceremony.

Yes, people should do what they (both) want to on their wedding day, but they do so, being aware that it is hurtful and upsetting to other people.

abstractprojection · 23/12/2020 00:08

OP I wrote a similar post and got all sorts of personal insults. There are some very angry people on here and I guess the thought of their kid not giving them the day they want sets them off.

You have a complex relationship with your mum who is very critical of you, and doing your best to ensure her relationship with your child while managing yours with her.

And now you want to get married without it being an ordeal and you’ve made a number of compromises for your family which they are all fine with except for your mum

You’re doing fine, just go with your gut and stop bashing yourself on the head because life isn’t perfect

Flowers
PerveenMistry · 23/12/2020 03:54

Traditionally people with your attitude eloped secretly and presented family and friends with the fait accompli upon return from the wedding trip.

Informing people in advance that they are NOT welcome at a milestone event is quite gauche to say the least. Is there some reason you couldn't have been quietly married without putting the emphasis on who will be excluded?

PerveenMistry · 23/12/2020 03:58

@wineandroses1

I understand excluding your mother when you really don’t have a good relationship with her. However, your child spends time alone with her, that must surely mean you think your child will be treated well, which belies that relationship. If I thought my mother to be so toxic that I couldn’t bear her to witness my wedding, why on earth would I allow my child to see her regularly? I really don’t get this. It feels vengeful and spiteful. Why would you want to do this? If your mother is so awful then keep your child away from her,
Exactly.
DriveMeCrazy1974 · 23/12/2020 06:25

We got married with only 2 witnesses. My mum, although probably a bit sad about it, was happy to arrange a big party for us afterwards.
There was no way I would have been able to cope with everybody watching me get married - but I do love a good party.
It was a great day and I'm glad we did exactly what we wanted to.
Selfish? Yes, probably. But, occasionally, it's OK to be selfish and do things how YOU want to do them.

justilou1 · 23/12/2020 07:00

If it makes you feel better, I ended up “doing the right thing” and not doing what I wanted for my wedding. My mother STILL sulked and behaved badly. She barely spoke to me because I didn’t compromise on the dress (I didn’t accept the big, pink, foofy meringue and wore something simple, and I didn’t accept the venue or date that she had chosen - prior to us deciding what kind of wedding we wanted, etc... ie - I kept a bit of creative control. Also, the week previously, my drug-addled brother drove into a parked car and pushed it into a power pole, so she and my Dad refused to let him come to my wedding. (Sorry not sorry) She told everyone that I had banned him then began to believe her own narrative. My “cruelty” to my “Poor Brother” was constantly referenced for years!

Original poster
FearTheLiving · 23/12/2020 07:51

The repercussions of getting married without telling anyone would have been far worse!!

I don’t get along with my mum but it doesn’t mean that she’s not a good grandparent to my daughter. My daughter is 10, she can make her own decisions. and I don’t see my mum every week, I don’t know where people have got that from.

OP posts:
ukgift2016 · 23/12/2020 07:58

I think it's awful but you must not have a good relationship with your mum to pick a friend over your own mother.

MiddlesexGirl · 23/12/2020 08:08

Thing is, if a person just wants 'to be married' and not have any fuss, then why not got to the registry office without telling anyone, just complete the legalities, and carry on as you were.

That would concern me more than my dc getting married without me. As would my dc getting married with 100 guests but not me!
But both would indicate how poor my relationship with my dc was.
The OP has already indicated that she wouldn't want a big wedding anyway. And that the current arrangement is already a compromise. She has spoken to her mum about it ... and her mum's response just confirms why she's not one of the two witnesses.

NeverRTFT · 23/12/2020 08:09

YANBU. It comes down to a combination of 1. Having the wedding you and DP want, and 2. Your relationship with your family/mum which you have not described (although admittedly I have not rtft yet!).
Your dad sounds cool and like he gets it.
Your mum possibly needs a reality check but you don't have to defend yourself for feeling the way you feel.
Good for you.
And congratulations!

NeverRTFT · 23/12/2020 08:16

Have now rtft and stand by my previous comments. YANBU! You're doing your best with an imperfect situation and I think you sound awesome. You're not gauche or inconsiderate or any of the other things that you have been called here by posters who possibly have more settled or traditional family relationships etc. Good luck