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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not inviting my mum to my wedding?

270 replies

FearTheLiving · 21/12/2020 18:10

My partner and I are planning a wedding post COVID.
I have never wanted a wedding, I was happy to do the quirky one where you literally just sign the paper work and that’s it. However, my partner wants to do vows etc so we’ve decided to have a quickie ceremony with just two witnesses.

All of my family are ok with this, and my dad has offered to pay for a huge party after the wedding so it can be celebrated but without me having to go through with an actual ceremony. My mum is furious however that she can’t watch me get married. I’m having my best friend as my witness, as we are a lot closer as I am with my mum and my partner is having his brother.

Am I being a dick hole by not inviting her? My dad says to do what ever makes me happy but part of me does feel a bit bad that she won’t watch her only child get married.

OP posts:
beavisandbutthead · 21/12/2020 20:48

oh yep your DD is 4 and you have already decided you dont mind not being at her wedding and i am assuming your DH has no issues about giving her away either... anyway as I said earlier your dad has got what he wants as do you...your mother isnt required....so I hope in future your not expecting to reach out and ask her for support in anyway or do any childcare? You have your required support.....

JokeTheCoalman · 21/12/2020 20:48

I wouldn’t say you are in the wrong per se but you may leave yourself open to accusations of accepting bribes, so just be aware of that

Lookslikerainted · 21/12/2020 20:49

Why do you keep calling him your husband?

totally misses point of thread

GintyMcGinty · 21/12/2020 20:51

Of course it's your wedding but I think it's pretty understandable that your mum is devastated to be excluded.

Lulu1919 · 21/12/2020 20:52

So you will compromise on the party for your dad but not let your mum watch you get married !?

sofakingawesome · 21/12/2020 20:53

My brother did this with his wife, they went on holiday, rang one morning to say 'hey! We are getting married today!' It was lovely for them. I think if I did it my mum would be disappointed however she would never say anything, I really want my mum at my wedding, she was also there at the birth of my second son, but if you want to do it in private just do it. It's your day at the end of it so do what makes you happy

Temporary1234 · 21/12/2020 20:54

Your mum is within her rights to be upset snd I can’t believe you wouldn’t want to make that “compromise” of wanting to share your joy with the person that would probably be the most happy person for you, unless she is toxic..

Lulu1919 · 21/12/2020 20:54

It's would be less 'unkind' to elope or use strangers as witnesses

Original poster
FearTheLiving · 21/12/2020 20:57

The party is the compromise for the whole family not just my dad. My mum included.

We just have a really weird relationship. She does childcare etc, she’s a great gran but just not a great mum. I would just feel really uncomfortable with her being there.

OP posts:
HitthatroadJack · 21/12/2020 20:59

@FearTheLiving

Because I don’t want her there!
Sounds like she gets that - isn't it obvious why that would make her upset?

The going into the birth room is weird.

But accepting a full party to please your dad and telling your mum you want nothing to do with her, it's hurtful. Surely that's pretty obvious?

It would be less hurtful if you were eloping and not excluding your mum only.

JohnMiddleNameRedactedSwanson · 21/12/2020 21:00

@FearTheLiving

The party is the compromise for the whole family not just my dad. My mum included.

We just have a really weird relationship. She does childcare etc, she’s a great gran but just not a great mum. I would just feel really uncomfortable with her being there.

I’m sorry OP but this gets worse. I agree with the pp who said that you couldn’t make this more hurtful or personal if you tried. Just elope.
HitthatroadJack · 21/12/2020 21:00

@FearTheLiving

The party is the compromise for the whole family not just my dad. My mum included.

We just have a really weird relationship. She does childcare etc, she’s a great gran but just not a great mum. I would just feel really uncomfortable with her being there.

Seriously? Clearly she is not such a good mother if she managed to raise someone happy to ask for childcare favours, but decide to be spiteful when she feels like it.

You sound like a petulant teen.

Original poster
FearTheLiving · 21/12/2020 21:01

But I’m not excluding my mum only. She’s going to attend the party with every other member of my family who aren’t coming to my wedding.

OP posts:
ThanksItHasPockets · 21/12/2020 21:02

@FearTheLiving

But I’m not excluding my mum only. She’s going to attend the party with every other member of my family who aren’t coming to my wedding.
That’s worse. She’ll have to explain over and over again at the party that she wasn’t at the wedding.
Original poster
FearTheLiving · 21/12/2020 21:02

I don’t ask for childcare. She offers because she wants a relationship with my daughter which I’m not going to stand in the way of.

OP posts:
ellenleaves · 21/12/2020 21:05

I'd be beyond hurt. Unless you really dislike them, at least have parents and siblings.

TonMoulin · 21/12/2020 21:07

@FearTheLiving

But I’m not excluding my mum only. She’s going to attend the party with every other member of my family who aren’t coming to my wedding.
Even worse. She has been relegated as second best in the same way than great aunt Margaret you haven’t seen in 3 years.
ivykaty44 · 21/12/2020 21:07

I wonder how you'd feel if your dd rejects you, not perhaps a wedding sceanorio - but something that really made you feel rejected. How would you handle your upset and rejection? what would you do to make it better?

JohnMiddleNameRedactedSwanson · 21/12/2020 21:08

@FearTheLiving

I don’t ask for childcare. She offers because she wants a relationship with my daughter which I’m not going to stand in the way of.
Perhaps she thinks that you have a good relationship because you are happy to accept childcare from her.
Mayra1367 · 21/12/2020 21:11

Think it’s mean not to invite her . Yes I know it’s your wedding etc etc but I’m sure over the years your mum has done lots for you .
I find it especially mean that you are allowing your dad to pay for a party .

Original poster
FearTheLiving · 21/12/2020 21:12

I’m sure she does. Whatever makes her happy but this is one day for me where I want to just do what I want to do.

OP posts:
TonMoulin · 21/12/2020 21:13

Btw you wanted to know if it’s normal for her to be angry.

The answer for me is YES. Because her outside anger is about her hurt.

I am also wondering about your relationship with your mum where you would be uncomfortable for her to be at your wedding but you are comfortable and trusting her enough to be looking after your dcs.
It feels strange to me tbh. Either you close and trusting her or you’re not

Mayra1367 · 21/12/2020 21:13

Just read the bit about accepting child care .

Wonder what your children will say about you in years to come ?

TheCrowsHaveEyes · 21/12/2020 21:14

Oh, come on. You dislike her enough to ban her from your wedding but she's fine for childcare. Good one, OP.

TonMoulin · 21/12/2020 21:14

@FearTheLiving

I’m sure she does. Whatever makes her happy but this is one day for me where I want to just do what I want to do.
Then you are hypocritical