Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not inviting my mum to my wedding?

270 replies

FearTheLiving · 21/12/2020 18:10

My partner and I are planning a wedding post COVID.
I have never wanted a wedding, I was happy to do the quirky one where you literally just sign the paper work and that’s it. However, my partner wants to do vows etc so we’ve decided to have a quickie ceremony with just two witnesses.

All of my family are ok with this, and my dad has offered to pay for a huge party after the wedding so it can be celebrated but without me having to go through with an actual ceremony. My mum is furious however that she can’t watch me get married. I’m having my best friend as my witness, as we are a lot closer as I am with my mum and my partner is having his brother.

Am I being a dick hole by not inviting her? My dad says to do what ever makes me happy but part of me does feel a bit bad that she won’t watch her only child get married.

OP posts:
jessstan1 · 21/12/2020 20:22

FearTheLiving Mon 21-Dec-20 19:57:01
My husband doesn’t want a wedding either, we are pretty united in that. He just wants to say vows and he only wants his brother there.
....
That is a wedding!

Viviennemary · 21/12/2020 20:23

It's a bit unfair not to let your Mum see you getting married. That's my opinion.

ivykaty44 · 21/12/2020 20:23

I take it you're trying to destroy any relationship you do have with your mum?

friends come and go but you only have one mum and dad

id think your dad is putting on a brave face and going along with your wishes

stop a minute and imagine if our own child shunned you and how would you feel?

jessstan1 · 21/12/2020 20:24

FearTheLiving Mon 21-Dec-20 20:14:46
Also I’m not getting married because he wants to. I want to marry him, I just don’t want the whole wedding thing.
.......
I wish you'd get it through your head that what you are planning, albeit simple, is a WEDDING.

baggies · 21/12/2020 20:24

How sad that you and your mum have such different views about your relationship with each other.

Original poster
FearTheLiving · 21/12/2020 20:25

I know it’s a wedding. But it’s going to take 10 minutes and it’s done and it’s not going to be stressful. To me, it’s not a wedding wedding. Anyway, it’s given me something to think about which is why I posted.

OP posts:
jessstan1 · 21/12/2020 20:28

FTL: "...without me having to go through with an actual ceremony."

What do you think you making vows and signing the register is then? It is a WEDDING CEREMONY.

Quite honestly, as well as you appearing very mean spirited towards your mother you also seem incapable of grasping basic concepts.

Lougle · 21/12/2020 20:29

You'll be hurting her for the sake of 10 minutes sat in a room. Why would you do that?

winterbabythistime · 21/12/2020 20:30

Exactly, it's only 10 minutes so why not let her be there? Is there a big back story ?

Original poster
FearTheLiving · 21/12/2020 20:31

Because I don’t want her there!

OP posts:
OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 21/12/2020 20:31

My dsis got married and didn’t invite her mum and dad. Dad found out a week later. They had a good relationship, but dad and her mum were divorced. Dad understood but he was very hurt.

Lougle · 21/12/2020 20:31

@FearTheLiving

Because I don’t want her there!
Then why are you asking here?? What's the point of that if you have made your mind up?
hansgrueber · 21/12/2020 20:32

@nosswith

It is your wedding. Yours not your mum's, or your future in-laws.

YANBU.

Unless there is a huge backstory about why her mother isn't invited she needs to realise that in the future there may be times when she wants some help for her mother and her mother might remember the wedding story.
EraOfTheGrey · 21/12/2020 20:34

@jessstan1

FTL: "...without me having to go through with an actual ceremony."

What do you think you making vows and signing the register is then? It is a WEDDING CEREMONY.

Quite honestly, as well as you appearing very mean spirited towards your mother you also seem incapable of grasping basic concepts.

I think what the OP is trying to say is that she puts more stock in actually being married as opposed to concentrating on just a wedding ceremony. I think that goes a little bit further than a basic concept.
Original poster
FearTheLiving · 21/12/2020 20:34

Because I wanted to know if it’s normal for her to be so angry about it and to hear from other parents how they would feel. I honestly wouldn’t mind if my daughter had a private wedding. As long as she’s having her day the way she wanted it.

OP posts:
mochapls · 21/12/2020 20:35

YANBU!! Do what makes you happy. I totally get it and I don't want my mum at my wedding either - I have always wanted to elope because I don't have much family and the family I do have - my mum and brother, I would not want there! My mum would stress me out and would take some of the enjoyment of the day away.

Only you understand your relationship with your mum. The majority of people have good relationships with their mums so the thought of not having your mum at your wedding seems unheard of. It's your day, have it exactly how you (and your partner) is wants it!

callmeadoctor · 21/12/2020 20:35

In answer to your question, yes I think it would be normal for a mother to be angry at missing your wedding.

winterbabythistime · 21/12/2020 20:36

I honestly wouldn’t mind if my daughter had a private wedding. As long as she’s having her day the way she wanted it.

Oh right, how olds your daughter? Easy to say in a hypothetical situation tbh.

EckhartLolly · 21/12/2020 20:36

She is your mum ffs. Unless she's abusive she should be there. Don't be selfish.

JohnMiddleNameRedactedSwanson · 21/12/2020 20:36

I think your mum’s reaction is fairly normal. This will have a negative impact on your relationship. You need to decide whether or not this matters to you.

PenelopeCleary · 21/12/2020 20:37

People who have a normal relationship with their mother often can’t understand that some of us don’t want a relationship with ours - we often have very good reasons why! I too would be heartbroken if my daughters behaved like this, but then I don’t treat them in a way that would have that result.

BoomyBooms · 21/12/2020 20:38

Yanbu, it's your day. However by doing it your way you'll have to make your peace with hurting her because it's very normal to want to see your child marry.

TheCrowsHaveEyes · 21/12/2020 20:44

Your wedding, your decision but tbh you've picked the most hurtful way possible to do it. Saying you don't want anyone at all would be turning up to the office, asking strangers to be witnesses and not telling anyone about it until it was over. (And I've been a witness at weddings like that on more than one occasion).
Telling people in advance that you're getting married and you're choosing two people to have there and you're fulfilling your DF's wish of having a party but telling your DM she can't come to the wedding makes it seem like you really don't like your DM. Because if you had purposely set out to hurt and snub her, you couldn't have managed it any better. It's also a very public way of snubbing her. She's going to spend the entire party having to explain why you wanted two people at your wedding but not your parents.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/12/2020 20:45

@FearTheLiving

I know it’s a wedding. But it’s going to take 10 minutes and it’s done and it’s not going to be stressful. To me, it’s not a wedding wedding. Anyway, it’s given me something to think about which is why I posted.
It literally is a wedding wedding. All the nonsense around weddings isn't a wedding, it's a party. You are doing the only wedding bit.

I agree that you are compromising for everyone except your mum. Which is fine if you really dislike her. And try very hard to have a different relationship with your child.

Lulu1919 · 21/12/2020 20:46

My daughter got married this year....after one cancellation due to covid..she had 25 family only guests.
It was amazing and I would have been very very upset to have missed it...whether she was having two guests or 100s ...she's my child