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Original poster

Not inviting my mum to my wedding?

270 replies

FearTheLiving · 21/12/2020 18:10

My partner and I are planning a wedding post COVID.
I have never wanted a wedding, I was happy to do the quirky one where you literally just sign the paper work and that’s it. However, my partner wants to do vows etc so we’ve decided to have a quickie ceremony with just two witnesses.

All of my family are ok with this, and my dad has offered to pay for a huge party after the wedding so it can be celebrated but without me having to go through with an actual ceremony. My mum is furious however that she can’t watch me get married. I’m having my best friend as my witness, as we are a lot closer as I am with my mum and my partner is having his brother.

Am I being a dick hole by not inviting her? My dad says to do what ever makes me happy but part of me does feel a bit bad that she won’t watch her only child get married.

OP posts:
Palavah · 21/12/2020 18:40

Of course you can choose who you want there but that won't make it upset your mum any less.

PlantPotPat · 21/12/2020 18:42

@Soontobe60 that was very kind of the registrars. Ours is booked for next April and all of the correspondence sent by the register office has been very clear that no extra people will be allowed in - I assume people book the cheapy version and then want 'just another couple of guests' or whatever and it gets silly. Nice that the DSS was allowed in though Smile

HotSince63 · 21/12/2020 18:42

@Griefmonster even without the emphasis on the "you're" it's a shit thing to tell your mum, especially when OP seems happy for the parents to pay for the huge party. Hmm

OrigamiOwl · 21/12/2020 18:42

It's yours and your partner's day, so you can do what you want. But I can absolutely see why your mum would be so hurt by this.
Also are your parents still together?

zigaziga · 21/12/2020 18:44

I was happy to do the quirky one where you literally just sign the paper work and that’s it what’s that? I thought 2 witnesses and the basic registry ceremony was as low key as you were allowed?

I don’t know. I hated the idea of a “wedding” wedding but we did invite parents because I know it would have broken their hearts.

Tal45 · 21/12/2020 18:45

I got married abroad with two randoms as witnesses specifically to avoid all these issues. You have to do what's right for you, I would prefer my lo to get married without me, I hate weddings nearly as much as I hate funerals.

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/12/2020 18:46

"My mum is furious however that she can’t watch me get married."
Furious. Not devastated, not upset - furious. Why is fury her reaction?

"I’m having my best friend as my witness, as we are a lot closer as I am with my mum "
Says it all really.

Your dad's OK with it, the rest of your family's OK with it, you're OK with it. I suspect a backstory, or at least a long history of not-closeness.

Plonque · 21/12/2020 18:46

Easy to say... not so easy to do if the situation ever arises.

Definitely!

I've more than one child, so many in fact that I've fairly hedged my bets that this probably won't happen to me but I think I'd be devastated if my only child had blocked me out of such an important day.
Even if you don't relent and let her attend, please at least have a little bit of empathy and don't be nasty about it.

CorianderQueen · 21/12/2020 18:47

My mum would be devastated by this. I don't see why one more person couldn't join the ceremony?

formerbabe · 21/12/2020 18:48

I would prefer my lo to get married without me

So cold
I hope you never tell them that

funtimefrank · 21/12/2020 18:50

I understand not wanting the 'wedding' neither dh or I did. We would have happily done the witnesses only thing.

However, whilst my wedding was about dh and I, I also love my mum very much and so if flexing a bit on something I was indifferent to was easy - we had a small wedding but a wedding nevertheless.

It wasn't about my mum putting her needs first or over ruling me but she wanted to see her daughter do one of the most meaningful things she'd do. And she's my mum and loves me and has raised me selflessly so I would have been a bit of a cunt to deny her that.

So unless you don't get on/there is back story then it seems cruel not to invite her especially if you are having a party

pinkdragons · 21/12/2020 18:50

I can understand why she'd feel upset or disappointed. But I'm sure ultimately she wants you to be happy.

I'm be very sad not to be there at my DC's wedding. I'd still be delighted for them and wish them well.

Nanny0gg · 21/12/2020 18:51

I'd be heartbroken.

But you've decided and told her, so what's the point of asking?

ThatchersGapingVag · 21/12/2020 18:51

I'm completely with you op.

I'm getting married next year and I'd have nobody there if I could!

xmasfairybuns · 21/12/2020 18:58

Why not have your parents as your witnesses?

caringcarer · 21/12/2020 19:00

If you have a good relationship with your Mum why would you prevent her watching hrr only child getting married? Honestly I think you are being horrible to your Mum. It willost.likely affect your relationship with her. I would be devastated if one of my children did this to me. If you have a very poor relationship with your Mum I could more understand.

MaliceOrgan · 21/12/2020 19:00

Your mum isn't unreasonable to feel disappointed but not are you unreasonable to want a low key ceremony.

I think it's a bit mean of your mum to try and guilt trip you. I am not sure if you should let them pay for the party though.

Ponoka7 · 21/12/2020 19:01

I would be ok with not seeing the ceremony, but I'd like to see my DD before she went. To see what she was wearing, her makeup etc. Ideally I'd like to celebrate with her afterwards. Would that be out of the question?

JohnMiddleNameRedactedSwanson · 21/12/2020 19:02

Why can't she be there? Is the two-witness limit an actual thing (Covid etc aside) or is it an arbitrary compromise because you wanted no-one and it's the minimum?

Crowncan · 21/12/2020 19:03

If you are going to invite a parent it should really be your dad who is probably disappointed to not go but is putting your happiness ahead of his own feelings rather than your mum who is kicking up a fuss at the way you want to get married.

Merryoldgoat · 21/12/2020 19:03

I don’t really get ‘I don’t want anyone there’ but you’re having a massive party afterwards.

Either it’s a big deal or it’s not.

If you get on I think it’s a bit off to exclude her.

Vates · 21/12/2020 19:04

It is YOUR wedding, do what you want. Parents don't own us. My god, some the responses here!

pictish · 21/12/2020 19:04

I’d feel sad not to be invited to my child’s wedding. That’s my honest answer to you.

TonMoulin · 21/12/2020 19:04

I get the small ceremony. I had one. And your mum wanting to see you get married/saying the vows isn’t a good enough reason.

But I can’t imagine not having both my parents there but have a friend instead. Just like I can’t imagine not being invitted to my dc wedding and see a friend there instead.
What a kick in the teeth!

Of course, I would do what your dad is doing, let them chose and wish my dc all the best.
But I would be deeply hurt.

Maybe keep that in mind too when talking about or to your dad too....

Vates · 21/12/2020 19:08

Merryoldgoat, I am very unlikely to get married myself but I would want a registry wedding with just witnesses and then a party for everyone else afterwards so people could celebrate. Some people really aren't into big weddings and that's not a problem.