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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not inviting my mum to my wedding?

270 replies

FearTheLiving · 21/12/2020 18:10

My partner and I are planning a wedding post COVID.
I have never wanted a wedding, I was happy to do the quirky one where you literally just sign the paper work and that’s it. However, my partner wants to do vows etc so we’ve decided to have a quickie ceremony with just two witnesses.

All of my family are ok with this, and my dad has offered to pay for a huge party after the wedding so it can be celebrated but without me having to go through with an actual ceremony. My mum is furious however that she can’t watch me get married. I’m having my best friend as my witness, as we are a lot closer as I am with my mum and my partner is having his brother.

Am I being a dick hole by not inviting her? My dad says to do what ever makes me happy but part of me does feel a bit bad that she won’t watch her only child get married.

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 23/12/2020 08:20

As a mother I would feel so sad that you felt closer to a friend rather than me 🤷‍♀️

namechangeforfriday · 23/12/2020 08:21

YANBU. This isn’t about your mum. I don’t agree that getting married is “the most meaningful thing you’ll do” - if I ever did it I’d be the same as you OP, I’d literally go to the registry office in my jeans and sign the paperwork. It’s nothing more than a practicality, a legally binding agreement. Albeit a very expensive one to get out of if it goes wrong. I hate the narrative around marriage in society given it still disadvantages women in so many ways. But I don’t really get why you’re having a big party if you feel this way about the act of getting married.

Longtalljosie · 23/12/2020 08:22

I think it will be a body-blow to your relationship with your mother that won’t ever go away. Sorry, but there it is.

namechangeforfriday · 23/12/2020 08:24

Sorry I just saw your explanations about the party.

Pugdogmom · 23/12/2020 08:24

It's your wedding and you do what you want but I would be devastated personally, so I understand your mums feelings.

Ginfordinner · 23/12/2020 09:17

I think it will be a body-blow to your relationship with your mother that won’t ever go away. Sorry, but there it is.

I'm inclined to agree with Longtalljosie. If you had said in your OP that you didn't get on with your mum then you might have had different responses.

I also agree that you should have just got married on the quiet and presented it as a fait accompli rather than "I am doing something special and important and you aren't invited". Surely, you must realise that your mum will see it as a deliberate snub, and I suspect it will damage your relationship even further.

justilou1 · 23/12/2020 10:17

Take it from me - do what YOU want. You are getting married. You are NOT having a wedding.

Voice0fReason · 23/12/2020 21:03

@Longtalljosie

I think it will be a body-blow to your relationship with your mother that won’t ever go away. Sorry, but there it is.
That says more about the mother than it does the daughter. A mother should respect her child's right to have a private ceremony with no guests.
Pembsgirl · 23/12/2020 21:10

When I got married second time around, we figured we were doing it just for us, and as our Mum's had each had one wedding to fuss over we decided to book for just the two of us to go abroad and get married. My Mum desperately wanted to come, she didn't say so, but I could tell, and I selfishly told her (she was 81 at the time) that it would be too hot for her. When I came home, she cleared off to Australia for 3 weeks, I think she was putting up 2 fingers at me, lol, but then, when she died only 2 years later, I felt dreadful that I had shut her out of something which would have meant so much to her. She's your Mum let her be there, you'll regret it if you don't.

KarmaStar · 23/12/2020 21:35

It is your wedding.you both decide together.
But.
Thinking further down the line,might you regret this?when you have no mum in your wedding photos(if any at all).
Or when you are older you may well think back and thought you could have been kind and invited your parents.
If she is very upset and annoyed,and you have no real reason to exclude them,would it not be the nice thing to do?

staceyflack · 23/12/2020 22:20

You wouldn't exist to get married, if it wasn't for your mum. The first thing we do for our kids is risk our lives. Unless she was abusive, don't you think its a bit, well selfish. I think you'd regret it later, partly because she's unlikely to get over, and partly because you only realise later in life how special ones mum is.. we have multiple friends, just the one mum. Congratulations... hope you have a lovely day, whatever you decide. 💐

popsydoodle4444 · 23/12/2020 22:36

Could you not get one of your witnesses to hold the phone and do a zoom call so your friends and family can watch you get married without being there in person?

mayday678 · 28/12/2020 20:24

@HitthatroadJack

mayday678 if you are genuine, you must have a very dysfunctional relationship with your parents and your own kids.

and the OP is happy to go along with a party she didn't want in the first place. Her poor mum.

Yes of course , me and my entire family must be dysfunctional because you don't agree with my opinion. We are so dysfunctional that we respect each other's decisions, even if it hurts, without throwing entitled tantrums. Crazy huh... Sorry your facebook psychology degree is wrong, I'm very close with my parents and my kids, and I hope my kids invite me to their wedding because they want to and not because I guilt them to. And if they don't, it will break my heart but I will respect it and quietly ask myself what brought them to that decision and what I can do to improve our relationship. But hey, what do I know Im from a dysfunctional family

OP ignore the martyr mums putting themselves on a pedestal where mums are holy and can be as toxic as they wish but still be entitled to everything pertaining their kids life. Do what makes you and DH happy, it's your day no one else's

Voice0fReason · 28/12/2020 21:03

@staceyflack

You wouldn't exist to get married, if it wasn't for your mum. The first thing we do for our kids is risk our lives. Unless she was abusive, don't you think its a bit, well selfish. I think you'd regret it later, partly because she's unlikely to get over, and partly because you only realise later in life how special ones mum is.. we have multiple friends, just the one mum. Congratulations... hope you have a lovely day, whatever you decide. 💐
You don't owe your mother a wedding invite just because she chose to give birth to you!

I have a wonderful relationship with all of my family but I didn't want guests at my wedding, I just wanted to get married. Fortunately, because I have such a strong relationship with them they completely understood and supported my decision.

My mum knows how important she is to me. I show her and tell her in numerous ways. Inviting her to my wedding would not have increased or reduced the value of that relationship.

staceyflack · 28/12/2020 22:06

Lucky you @Voice0fReason most mums would be really hurt. And, I stand by my post 💖

Comtesse · 28/12/2020 23:13

Blame it all on Covid. There has to be some upside from a hideous pandemic, and avoiding complex family psychodramas is the best one I’ve identified so far. Yanbu - the wedding is for you and your husband not anyone else. DM’s feelings are not more important than yours.

HPenthusiast · 29/12/2020 08:06

Personally I would always regret not having my parents there when looking back.
My dad has been very poorly over the last 2 years and I am so scared he won’t make it to our wedding in 2022. But everyone is different I suppose.

westenddweller · 29/12/2020 13:59

@WhereamI88

Why are you so adamant not to have anyone there? Do you WANT to get married? If so, why? Because I find it strange that you would sideline your own parents during one of the most meaningful event of one's life (unless of course the relationship with the parents is bad but it doesn't sound like it).
The OP doesn't have to have a 'wedding day' to be married.
Unsure33 · 29/12/2020 14:34

To be honest you have told her, she is furious, damage done .

If my daughter did this I would be very sad . But not angry.

Comtesse · 29/12/2020 15:54

Many PPs are thinking about this as if they were the parent not the person getting married. You might want to try reading A Practical Wedding instead - quite a lot on there about getting married the way you want, managing family expectations, elopements and other tiny weddings etc.

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