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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling angry about ingratitude - AIBU?

464 replies

NCforthis10 · 20/12/2020 06:36

NC for this. I’m not sure about whether I’m being unreasonable or not and I’m looking for a way of dealing with this.

I’m the manager of one of our company’s branches with 14 staff. I normally buy everyone a gift at Xmas to say thanks for all their efforts in the year. Nothing expensive, usually about £20-25 in value. Because of coronavirus our branch only has a skeleton staff in the office to deal with things that need to be dispatched and customer returns. I’m mainly working from home.

This year I decided to make a donation to a local charity on behalf of the branch rather than deal with the logistics of getting gifts to everyone. I sent an email out to all of the team thanking them for all their teamwork and another successful year despite the coronavirus, explaining that I’d made the donation in their names. I did this at the beginning of the week and no one has even acknowledged this apart from some comments made at a staff Webex meeting on Thursday when a couple of people said that they would have preferred a gift like usual.

I was so taken aback that I couldn’t say anything so I just acted like nothing was said and moved onto the next item. But I’m really struggling with what I see as immense ingratitude.

I’m looking to my fellow mumsnetters to let me know if my reaction is being unreasonable and how to deal with it. I really feel like saying something very pointed as I see making the donation still as a gift which obviously wasn’t appreciated, but I don’t want to make matters worse for myself.

AIBU?

OP posts:
FippertyGibbett · 20/12/2020 06:39

Personally I’d rather you had done nothing than donate to charity.
People were counting on a present.

Thisendsnow · 20/12/2020 06:40

Was rude of them to mention it, but I understand why they would prefer the gift instead especially after such a crappy year.

Hellotheresweet · 20/12/2020 06:41

The ones that didn’t respond - let it go FGS. People have a lot on and thanking their boss for a donation made on their behalf to a charity that they had no decision over - I get it.

The ones that came back saying they’d prefer a present.... cheeky, but let it go

CovidCunt · 20/12/2020 06:41

People shouldn't have been counting on a present! I think it's fine, this hasn't exactly been a normal year

Ihavethesecret · 20/12/2020 06:42

You buy a gift thats tax deductible for you and gives you the feels. They get no benefit if they had no input into the chosen charity yet you want them tugging their forelocks in gratitude Hmm

CrotchBurn · 20/12/2020 06:42

Seriously?

A donation to a charity isnt a gift.

This year has been hard, people are on edge, and a gift would have been a nice touch.

Instead of giving to a charity to overcome the logistics problem, I would have just done Amazon gift vouchers

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 20/12/2020 06:42

It's been an extraordinarily difficult year for everyone and a little kindness goes a long way.

I can see why the staff feel as they do to be honest. You couldn't be bothered is the bottom line. How is a donation a thank you to staff for hard work? And why should they be grateful for that?

Depends on which charity it was too.

This isn't what you want to here but you haven't done a kind thing just 'because charity'.

JaceLancs · 20/12/2020 06:43

I would much rather had a gift!
All my team got a Sainsbury’s gift voucher - at least it could be easily posted
Most people will probably buy drinks of their choice or put it toward Xmas food shop
I never see charitable donations as a present - if you want to donate do so but not in my name

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 20/12/2020 06:43

I don’t think you can expect people to feel grateful that you’ve made a donation to charity instead of giving them a present. Some will think it’s lovely others will think it’s actually the opposite - if you really did want to thank them you’d have done something personal. I’d be between the 2 camps as a receiver - but I’d not say anything just be a bit put out given the norm. But as a manager I’d never donate instead of giving a present especially if it’s what I would have normally done. Given the logistics I’d have done a voucher. I think at the moment people want to feel valued and I don’t think a donation to charity in your name does that.

Qquu · 20/12/2020 06:43

Was the gift from you personally or the company?

CodenameVillanelle · 20/12/2020 06:43

You should have sent a gift. Jesus.

Qquu · 20/12/2020 06:44

Oh sorry you said on behalf of the branch.

Yeah. That’s shit. Amazon voucher would have been better.

Mumdiva99 · 20/12/2020 06:47

Do you use your money or company money? - if your money then it's tough on the employees but why would they thank you personally? They haven't benefitted. (You aren't wrong....lots of people do this in luie of sending cards etc...but there is no benefit to the person who would have got the card....the pleasure of giving is all with the giver.)

If you used company money which is allocated and directed to be their gifts then you should have asked them what they prefer. It might only be a gift of wine and chocolate- but it's a nice extra treat to take home.

Whatever- just move on and chalk it up to experience.

Sunshine1235 · 20/12/2020 06:47

You chose to make a donation to charity rather than spend the same money on presents for your colleagues (who you already acknowledged have had a tough year). That’s fine it’s your money and a good thing to do but I don’t think it’s really a gift to them that they should feel obliged to thank you for. If someone said to me I’m not getting you a gift but I’ve given money to charity I don’t think my initial response would be thank you, I wouldn’t mind them doing it but it doesn’t seem like the right response

ErinTingey · 20/12/2020 06:47

If you usually send out a gift then I can understand their annoyance. It's been a tough year and, whether or not it was your intention, a gift might now be seen as standard. One way of looking at it is:

'Thanks for working hard this year but I can't be arsed to buy you a present. So without consulting you I've donated to a local charity, no I don't care if you don't agree with the charity, it was quick and easy'.

FlatandFabulouslyFestive · 20/12/2020 06:48

I'm sorry, but a donation to charity, while a very worthy thing to do, is not a gift unless everyone agrees they want to do that. After such a crap year an individual gift would probably be especially appreciated. Yes, it would have been difficult to do making the effort even more special. The donation screams "I'm taking the easy way out here".

Qquu · 20/12/2020 06:51

Also. If you’re going to do a donation to charity on behalf of the team then you need to ask the team so there can be a joint decision about the charity.

You don’t just get to decide for the team in that case.

jalopy · 20/12/2020 06:53

I think its another case of virtue signalling.
As someone said, only you got the 'feels'.
I'm afraid you misfired on that one.

SnuggyBuggy · 20/12/2020 06:54

Unless they are directly benefiting from said charity what would they be thanking you for?

Hiphopopotamus · 20/12/2020 06:54

😂 what do you want them to be grateful for?

LadyLazaruss · 20/12/2020 06:54

I totally get why they're annoyed. After such a shit year, they don't even get their usual gift from work either. Poor choice.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 20/12/2020 06:56

I work for a large company. We received an email a couple of months ago asking if we'd like vouchers for Christmas or for donations to charity to be made on our behalf, and we all voted. We received vouchers.

Charity giving is personal; I don't want someone else doing it for me! I don't thank the people who send emails or post on Facebook to say that they are making a charitable donation in lieu of sending Christmas cards, either.

lyralalala · 20/12/2020 06:57

What should they be showing gratitude for exactly?

Spittingchestnuts · 20/12/2020 06:57

Sorry but I think YABU.

I help my DH run a business and I'm in charge of present buying at Christmas. I must admit we judged it very important this year to make an effort to buy slighter more expensive presents than usual and ones that are more personal and less generic office gifts ifyswim, precisely because it has been such a difficult year for everyone.

Everyone is working from home but I've made the decision to wrap and put the presents in the office (which isn't being used currently) for everyone to collect individually as and when they are next in. (It's safe to do so mind you because the office is private and our cleaners are very trustworthy etc.)

I think you are expecting quite a lot of your team to be grateful for making a donation on their behalf because while it's a good thing to do they haven't (a) had any choice in the matter (b) really received recognition of it being a very tough year (c) it appears like you have done what is easiest for you rather than it being about them.

Don't get me wrong, it's great to make a team donation to a good cause, but I think employees need to be actively involved and happy about that decision. In our office, we choose a different cause at the beginning of each year and make a donation to it in October, and organise fund-raising activities for it (usually things like sponsored dog walks, sponsored weight-loss, sponsored bike rides) in between.

MrDarcyismines · 20/12/2020 06:58

My husbands work sent out an E-gift card. You could have done the same!