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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling angry about ingratitude - AIBU?

464 replies

NCforthis10 · 20/12/2020 06:36

NC for this. I’m not sure about whether I’m being unreasonable or not and I’m looking for a way of dealing with this.

I’m the manager of one of our company’s branches with 14 staff. I normally buy everyone a gift at Xmas to say thanks for all their efforts in the year. Nothing expensive, usually about £20-25 in value. Because of coronavirus our branch only has a skeleton staff in the office to deal with things that need to be dispatched and customer returns. I’m mainly working from home.

This year I decided to make a donation to a local charity on behalf of the branch rather than deal with the logistics of getting gifts to everyone. I sent an email out to all of the team thanking them for all their teamwork and another successful year despite the coronavirus, explaining that I’d made the donation in their names. I did this at the beginning of the week and no one has even acknowledged this apart from some comments made at a staff Webex meeting on Thursday when a couple of people said that they would have preferred a gift like usual.

I was so taken aback that I couldn’t say anything so I just acted like nothing was said and moved onto the next item. But I’m really struggling with what I see as immense ingratitude.

I’m looking to my fellow mumsnetters to let me know if my reaction is being unreasonable and how to deal with it. I really feel like saying something very pointed as I see making the donation still as a gift which obviously wasn’t appreciated, but I don’t want to make matters worse for myself.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Pimmsypimms · 20/12/2020 06:58

I would have preferred a gift. You should have gone for a voucher through the post as pp said. I don't think I'd be thanking you either if you'd told me that essentially you gave my gift away to charity.

Gardeniaofdelights · 20/12/2020 06:59

I wouldn’t have been grateful either but I would have been polite enough not to say anything.

itchyfinger · 20/12/2020 06:59

What did you want them to be grateful for? You chose the charity to donate to as well, so it's not even like they could choose something close to their hearts to donate to. Like PP said, charity is personal. You choosing one to donate your own company money to isnt a gift to your employees.

Original poster
NCforthis10 · 20/12/2020 06:59

OK, thanks. Reading the room, I made a blunder.

Money was from own pocket and not tax deductible. I’m PAYE so not going to fill out a tax return for the sake of claiming this back.

OP posts:
inquietant · 20/12/2020 07:00

@Idontgiveagriffindamn

I don’t think you can expect people to feel grateful that you’ve made a donation to charity instead of giving them a present. Some will think it’s lovely others will think it’s actually the opposite - if you really did want to thank them you’d have done something personal. I’d be between the 2 camps as a receiver - but I’d not say anything just be a bit put out given the norm. But as a manager I’d never donate instead of giving a present especially if it’s what I would have normally done. Given the logistics I’d have done a voucher. I think at the moment people want to feel valued and I don’t think a donation to charity in your name does that.
I agree with this.
Butchyrestingface · 20/12/2020 07:00

But I’m really struggling with what I see as immense ingratitude.

What precisely are they supposed to be grateful for?

I really feel like saying something very pointed as I see making the donation still as a gift which obviously wasn’t appreciated,

It wasn’t a gift. It was a unilateral decision on your part to give their gift away, without even knowing whether your staff support said charity or its aims.

Qquu · 20/12/2020 07:00

So your company doesn’t get them a Christmas gift?

You need to stop that because I thought the way you’d written it it was a company gift (esp with the “on behalf of the team”).

Fairyliz · 20/12/2020 07:02

This is a reverse surely? No one would think a donation to a random charity that you didn’t have a choice in was a good idea.
Sorry you didn’t get your usual present OP.

HedgieHog · 20/12/2020 07:02

It’s not clear if it’s from your pocket or company paid for
If company paid they have a right to be disappointed at not getting anything Amman’s a an Amazon or supermarket voucher could have been bought to suit the difficult logistics

If you pay it yourself then it’s your choice what to get so they have no right to say they would prefer a gift instead but every right to be disappointed as they were probably looking forward to having something to open ( what did you get them in the past)
One year a colleague was given one of those sponsor a goat things in secret Santa, we all had gifts , she was so disappointed
We laugh about it now (like the year I didn’t get one as it hasn’t turned up in the post yet 😂)

HedgieHog · 20/12/2020 07:03

Ammans- supermarket
No idea what happened there 😂

Aerielview · 20/12/2020 07:05

That was a donation to charity - a gift to the charity, if you will. Certainly not a gift for your staff. After the year that's been, I think you should have given them a gift

Spittingchestnuts · 20/12/2020 07:08

Hang on? You are (in a normal year) buying 14 staff members individual presents to the value of £20-25 each, out of your own pocket? That's over £300 of your own money.

Fine if you own the company. Certainly not fine if you are a fellow employee (or do you get more profits or something, is it a franchise?).

No wonder you feel put out!

Why aren't management doing this? Is there no budget for Christmas presents? If not I think you need to address this situation with them.

Dovesandkisses · 20/12/2020 07:08

I think that is amazing that you pay so much out of your own pocket. What a kind thing to do. Do they know it comes from you personally? If not then I would male it very clear that it is you. I bet most assume the company pay. O agree, I think it is very ungrateful. Going forward just get a bottle of wine- if you buy a case it should work out cheaper than £25 per person.

ElinoristhenewEnid · 20/12/2020 07:10

Reminds me of the old story of the child that was told that the electricity coin meter was his money box!
I cannot believe that you think that your staff should be grateful for you donating to charity on their behalf in lieu of a giftShock

pictish · 20/12/2020 07:10

@itchyfinger

What did you want them to be grateful for? You chose the charity to donate to as well, so it's not even like they could choose something close to their hearts to donate to. Like PP said, charity is personal. You choosing one to donate your own company money to isnt a gift to your employees.
Sums it up.

I know your intention was good but no, donating their gift fund to a charity of your choice wasn’t a great move.

Bluntness100 · 20/12/2020 07:11

What you spend three hundred quid a year on presents for staff out your own pocket? That’s batshit.

However so is expecting peoooe to be grateful you gave to charity and called it a present for them.

BlackCatShadow · 20/12/2020 07:11

I agree that a donation to charity is not a gift.

This only works if you ask someone to donate to charity instead of giving you a gift, not the other way around.

I also agree that a voucher would have been nicer. My boss gave me a voucher to Starbucks. I don't usually go there but I will treat myself to a cake and hot chocolate from the drive through.

Still, you live and learn, eh?

GnomeDePlume · 20/12/2020 07:11

I think if you had given people a choice of charity to donate to then the feeling might be different. Different people support different causes and then there are subsets within those causes.

Sorry, you meant well but it does seem to have backfired a bit.

PeaceLoveAndCandy · 20/12/2020 07:11

It would have been nice to get your staff a little something.

And if you want to donate to charity, donate to charity on your own behalf and don't publicize it.

Donating to a charity and then telling someone 'I've done this on your behalf' is patronising and self-indulgent.

pictish · 20/12/2020 07:11

Oh hold on...it’s your own money?

Original poster
NCforthis10 · 20/12/2020 07:13

@Spittingchestnuts yes, I think I have a great team and I usually buy them all a gift. I get paid more as I’m manager, but no profit share or anything like that.

Judging by the comments on here though, it looks like I’ve opted for the wrong choice. I’m now wondering what to do to rectify this but it’s probably best just to let it lie.

OP posts:
PeaceLoveAndCandy · 20/12/2020 07:14

If it's your own money, then simply stop.

sofiaaaaaa · 20/12/2020 07:14

How would it even cross your mind that this would be a good gift? It’s a bit weird.

lastqueenofscotland · 20/12/2020 07:14

Donating to charity on peoples behalf without consulting them is shit.
Some people donate huge chunks of their income to charity each year, some people may have had an issue with the charity you were proposing, it’s not uncommon for people to dislike certain big charities.
You could have at least done a straw poll to see what people wanted to donate too.
Or even bought everyone a £10 sainsburys voucher so they could go buy some wine and chocolate

Original poster
NCforthis10 · 20/12/2020 07:16

Yes, my own money and no, I won’t be claiming it back or trying to claim tax back. As someone else has said, you live and learn.

I’m feeling pretty shit about all of this tbh.

OP posts: