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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling angry about ingratitude - AIBU?

464 replies

NCforthis10 · 20/12/2020 06:36

NC for this. I’m not sure about whether I’m being unreasonable or not and I’m looking for a way of dealing with this.

I’m the manager of one of our company’s branches with 14 staff. I normally buy everyone a gift at Xmas to say thanks for all their efforts in the year. Nothing expensive, usually about £20-25 in value. Because of coronavirus our branch only has a skeleton staff in the office to deal with things that need to be dispatched and customer returns. I’m mainly working from home.

This year I decided to make a donation to a local charity on behalf of the branch rather than deal with the logistics of getting gifts to everyone. I sent an email out to all of the team thanking them for all their teamwork and another successful year despite the coronavirus, explaining that I’d made the donation in their names. I did this at the beginning of the week and no one has even acknowledged this apart from some comments made at a staff Webex meeting on Thursday when a couple of people said that they would have preferred a gift like usual.

I was so taken aback that I couldn’t say anything so I just acted like nothing was said and moved onto the next item. But I’m really struggling with what I see as immense ingratitude.

I’m looking to my fellow mumsnetters to let me know if my reaction is being unreasonable and how to deal with it. I really feel like saying something very pointed as I see making the donation still as a gift which obviously wasn’t appreciated, but I don’t want to make matters worse for myself.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Santababy56 · 20/12/2020 07:53

M and S voucher was the way to go. You screwed up and now you'd like the staff to thank you.

Okaaaay...

Chalk it up to experience and move on OP. You'll know for the next year we have a pandemic and Brexit.

Pumpertrumper · 20/12/2020 07:53

For those who were asking, no one has been furloughed and most of us are on £35k and over

This doesn’t mean their finances haven’t been significantly impacted. Most households are dual income, their spouses/ partners may well have lost income/jobs. Earning £35k in one wage doesn’t mean they won’t be struggling to afford school uniform/basics themselves. Everyone had lifestyle/ outgoings balanced against earnings per covid. Doesn’t matter if you earn £50k if your spouse has now lost their £40k job and your mortgage/bills add up to more than one persons wage!

PandaBearCub · 20/12/2020 07:54

Don’t buy extra presents now, you’ve learned. I also wouldn’t pay that much for so many colleagues from my own pocket. Are they aware the usual gift comes from your own wage, not the company?

Itsnotagazebo · 20/12/2020 07:54

We sent out hampers to our staff and a personal thank you card as that could be done logistically.
We wouldn't usually do that, but it's been a dreadful year and they've been pretty positive. We also didn't have the cost of an expensive Christmas party night out.

You might think it's very grabby but this year I think companies who are getting through this situation should acknowledge the staff.
To say you've sent a gift to charity because of logistics, sounds like you didn't think about it too hard and took an easy option.

Dishwashersaurous · 20/12/2020 07:54

Also if you spend £350 out of your own money, and can comfortably afford to do so, then are in a very fortunate position

Desperado40 · 20/12/2020 07:54

A bit misjudged, I would not be grateful, at least you should have given them a choice of charity? Another issue is, have they received any bonus/gift from the company? My assumption is that you are spending your own money because that’s the only token thanks they’d get on behalf of the company, but as an employee, I would feel a bit uncomfortable and feel like I need to buy something in return (unless you own the company).

ImnotCarolineHirons · 20/12/2020 07:54

Just adding to the chorus of "you fucked up" sorry OP. There's absolutely nothing for them to be grateful for and this year of all years was the time for YOU to show gratitude for their hard work.
I'd be clicking away on Amazon right now as its little shitty things like this that can tip good people over the edge and start them job hunting. Especially after the general news about further Christmas restrictions, lots of folk are very on edge and a token of appreciation would have made all the difference.

SnackySnack · 20/12/2020 07:56

Cant you buy them a small town gift now? If you can afford it I mean. It's been an incredibly shit year and as of yesterday its only going to get worse.

steppemum · 20/12/2020 08:00

[quote Beefcurtains79]@NCforthis10

I did the same for my team - normally would buy them a box of chocolates each but over 30 staff, working across our region and all still strictly working from home - I just couldn’t afford to pay for the postage for everyone to get even a selection box. Now feeling like I’ve made a massive fuck up after reading this...

Online gift vouchers?[/quote]
I really don't think you have.

If you normally give a box of chocs in the office, it really isn't possible to send that round to everyone, and I think most people get that.

It was the donating their gift money to charity which I think will have upset people.

Genuine thanks and appreciation for people's hard work is always welcome if there isn't a budget for gifts

Original poster
NCforthis10 · 20/12/2020 08:01

I only mentioned salary/furlough as someone has asked.

Yes, they know it’s from my own pocket.

I honestly feel like shit. You live and learn.

OP posts:
Mummyozzi · 20/12/2020 08:02

Feel like I'm watching an episode of 'The Office'

Xmasfairy86 · 20/12/2020 08:05

I work for a large company who donated £75,000 to charities in place of the money they would spend on Christmas parties/gifts. It’s a lovely gesture but at a time where I’ve seen absolutely no one in person since March - I’ve never felt so undervalued

Peppafrig · 20/12/2020 08:06

Huh that isn’t a gift for them. You done that to make your life easier. You expect them to fall over with gratitude they didn’t receive anything .

NorbertMeubles · 20/12/2020 08:08

How on earth is you making a donation to charity a gift to say thank you for their hard work??? You get to virtue signal and then expect them to be grateful. Honestly, I'd prefer a chocolate orange or nothing over that.

NotOfThisWorld · 20/12/2020 08:10

Giving to charity as opposed to giving a gift is probably the right thing to do but it isn't something someone would feel grateful for. They didn't choose to make the donation or choose which charity recieved the donation so they don't get the feel good feeling - you get with a donation you get that.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 20/12/2020 08:12

Sorry NCforthis10, a donation to charity in my name isn't a gift to me unless I asked for it. Otherwise you just gave my present away to someone else.

Could you not have emailed an Amazon voucher to everyone? Or a hamper delivery (yes I know they were in short supply recently) And it's not just about the money. Saying you couldn't manage the logistics gives the message "they worked hard for me and I couldn't be arsed to make one effort for them". Which is not a motivating message.

alwayslearning789 · 20/12/2020 08:12

This reminds me of the saying 'no good deed goes unpunished'.

I'm surprised noone has said this but as an employee herself, what if the OP was struggling too and the consolidated gift was slightly less onerous than individual ones added up?

Amnually from your own pocket and now there is an expectation that people are entitled to it.

It was still a generous gesture on your part, so please don't beat yourself up about it and chalk it up to experience.

2020 has been a year like no other.

Butchyrestingface · 20/12/2020 08:13

Yes, they know it’s from my own pocket.

@NCforthis10 Does your company not gift them something as well?

I think you've messed up here (it happens) but I can't help but feel you've been too generous with your money in the past. Unless you're on a whopping great salary, I would not expect my manager to spunk £350 on their reports every Christmas.

Do they ever get you something - Secret Santa, anything?

Amerimoon · 20/12/2020 08:13

A gift to charity is not a gift.

Mummyozzi · 20/12/2020 08:15

Oh it was your own money ! Your poor thing. I think if in that case the fact you got them anything at all is very generous.

Sounds to me theyre a bit entitled and precious as you've been so generous other years and they feel entitled. Nobody should feel entitled as you're a wage earner like them. Even if it was company money, shit happens...

Don't worry about it, this time of year is a head wreck at the best of times & I can't imagine ordering 14 gifts.

Benefit of hindsight, give yourself a break. If they have jobs they're doing better than most.

Being a manager can be a thankless and hard job xxx

alwayslearning789 · 20/12/2020 08:15

Annually (spell check!)

inquietant · 20/12/2020 08:16

I think you sound like a good person who thought this through wrongly Flowers

Next time post 'WIBU to do...' beforehand!

I hope you don't feel too bad for too long.

Plussizejumpsuit · 20/12/2020 08:19

I think you're getting quite a hard time op. What's your salary compared to theirs? I feel as you said they're on over 35k it's kinda bratty of them. It's not like they're earning minimum wage! And it's a treat they couldn't afford. But equally a treat is nice.

I'm a bit conflicted tbh I feel they were rude about the donation. Especially given many people are in need this year. But then a little extra can really boost you up after a shitty year.

alwayslearning789 · 20/12/2020 08:20

Ah cross posted with others and glad to see sentiments echoed by other posters as well.

Agree with @Mummyozzi

BreatheAndFocus · 20/12/2020 08:20

I don’t understand why you couldn’t have given them all Amazon vouchers by email or similar vouchers. When they received your email, they probably thought exactly the same.

I can’t see how giving the money to charity is equivalent in any way whatsoever.