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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling angry about ingratitude - AIBU?

464 replies

NCforthis10 · 20/12/2020 06:36

NC for this. I’m not sure about whether I’m being unreasonable or not and I’m looking for a way of dealing with this.

I’m the manager of one of our company’s branches with 14 staff. I normally buy everyone a gift at Xmas to say thanks for all their efforts in the year. Nothing expensive, usually about £20-25 in value. Because of coronavirus our branch only has a skeleton staff in the office to deal with things that need to be dispatched and customer returns. I’m mainly working from home.

This year I decided to make a donation to a local charity on behalf of the branch rather than deal with the logistics of getting gifts to everyone. I sent an email out to all of the team thanking them for all their teamwork and another successful year despite the coronavirus, explaining that I’d made the donation in their names. I did this at the beginning of the week and no one has even acknowledged this apart from some comments made at a staff Webex meeting on Thursday when a couple of people said that they would have preferred a gift like usual.

I was so taken aback that I couldn’t say anything so I just acted like nothing was said and moved onto the next item. But I’m really struggling with what I see as immense ingratitude.

I’m looking to my fellow mumsnetters to let me know if my reaction is being unreasonable and how to deal with it. I really feel like saying something very pointed as I see making the donation still as a gift which obviously wasn’t appreciated, but I don’t want to make matters worse for myself.

AIBU?

OP posts:
KaptainKaveman · 20/12/2020 07:34

Making a donation to a charity is, of course, a great thing to do. It isn't a present though, and none of your staff asked you to do that on their behalf did they? personally I would have felt miffed and much preferred a present, even if it's something very small.

Botherfreedays · 20/12/2020 07:34

Which charity was it?

SecretSpAD · 20/12/2020 07:35

It's really not up to you to make a unilateral decision to donate to charity in other people's' names. Some people have very strong views about what charities they support or not.

After a shitty year they were probably looking forward to a little present and it feels really mean spirited of you not to bother doing it.

HeadNorth · 20/12/2020 07:35

I would have preferred nothing over a tendy virtue signalling 'gift' to a charity I may have my own reasons not to support.

HeadNorth · 20/12/2020 07:36

Making a donation to a charity is, of course, a great thing to do. Not if it is made on behalf of other people who don't support the aims of that charity.

SpineyCrevice · 20/12/2020 07:37

About ten years ago I had an employer that did exactly this. It just left me with a hollow feeling and just saw it as sheer laziness on his behalf and in fact I didn't believe he had even sent the money.

I give to charity but I give to a specific local one that is close to my heart.

A gift to say thanks should be just that. Even an Amazon voucher would show some thought and it's the same number of clicks. If the recipient wishes to spend it on something they would have bought anyway and give the money to charity, they can then direct the money to where they wish.

AlwaysCheddar · 20/12/2020 07:39

Ooops, but of a blooper so yabu. Too late to rectify it now.

NoGoodPunsLeft · 20/12/2020 07:42

I'm surprised only 1 other poster has mentioned e-gift cards, they are so easy to do & so many choices in whatever denomination you want, and obvs no postage.

We give them at work for birthday presents in normal times because they are so easy.

ChristingleAlltheWay · 20/12/2020 07:42

DP and I never usually get Christmas gifts from our workplaces. This year he got a ten pound Amazon voucher. Not a lot, but he was thrilled with it. Made a crappy year seem less crappy.

A charity donation, even if a larger monetary sum on his behalf, wouldn’t have been nearly so appreciated.

Original poster
NCforthis10 · 20/12/2020 07:44

Thanks for all the comments. I agree I’ve misjudged it and won’t make that mistake again. The charity is a local one that provides school uniforms etc for families who struggle to pay for this themselves, and we normally raise a bit of money for it throughout the year. Nothing major, but just some token amounts. Since we’ve not given them anything this year, I thought it would be a nice gesture.

I’m now thinking it was unwise.

For those who were asking, no one has been furloughed and most of us are on £35k and over.

Anyway, it was wrong of me and I see that. I’ll draw a line as others have suggested and we’ll hopefully laugh about it next year. I still feel like shit though as I genuinely thought they’d have been ok with it. Donation was noted as being from “staff” by the way and not from me.

OP posts:
JacobReesMogadishu · 20/12/2020 07:44

Do you think maybe they don’t realise you buy the presents out your own pocket? They possibly assume it’s company money and are therefore grumbling about the company not buying them anything.

Dh gets a Xmas hamper every year from the company but last year they didn’t do it. I grumbled a bit (just to dh) as it felt like his company wasn’t acknowledging the work he’d done all year. But if it was his manager buying presents I would never have grumbled. He’s got a hamper again this year and I have to say 90% of the stuff we’d never eat.....but it’s the acknowledgement rather than the actual stuff which counts.

Edel2019 · 20/12/2020 07:44

@AlwaysCheddar

Ooops, but of a blooper so yabu. Too late to rectify it now.
I don't think it's too late....what about an e-card?

It's a bit of a blooper alright Smile

lovelemoncurd · 20/12/2020 07:47

I personally hate these kinds of 'gifts' where someone sends you a note saying they have gifted a tree in your name or a goat! If I wanted to give to charity then I choose the charity. I either prefer a gift, cash or sod all. But that's me.

ivfbeenbusy · 20/12/2020 07:47

I personally wouldn't like someone giving to charity in my name - but then again I'm a bit particular about which charities I'd give to and I'd think it was presumptuous if someone chose on my behalf?

Jimdandy · 20/12/2020 07:47

I would be miffed if I’d grafted all year and worked really hard and instead of my usual reward for my efforts it had been virtue signaller over to charity that I had absolutely no choice over which and wasn’t even consulted.

It would de-motivate me.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 20/12/2020 07:48

I feel very upset for you as you’ve spend this money out of your own pocket - I wonder if they know that? Or whether they think there’s some fund you’re getting it from. I had staff that thought this and were very flippant about receiving it.
Please don’t put yourself more out of pocket and try rectify it by buying further presents.
Next year I’d make it very clear that any gift comes from your personal money. And I’d not be spending as much - that’s a ridiculous amount to spend out of your own pocket.

yearinyearout · 20/12/2020 07:48

You could've emailed them a voucher 🤷🏼‍♀️

SecretSpAD · 20/12/2020 07:48

I’ll draw a line as others have suggested and we’ll hopefully laugh about it next year.

Or, if you are willing and can afford it, and if you are ever all in the office together this year...why not just get some nice sandwiches and food bits from M&S for a team lunch?

Dishwashersaurous · 20/12/2020 07:50

But it wasn’t from them. It was something that you did from you.

In no way at all can a charity donation be considered a gift for someone else!

PeaceLoveAndCandy · 20/12/2020 07:50

Donation was noted as being from “staff” by the way and not from me.
but they had no say in the matter!!

Nowaynothappening · 20/12/2020 07:50

YABU. I can’t even imagine telling someone I hadn’t bothered with a Christmas present this year for them but had made sure to donate to a charity of my choice instead. You’ve pissed off a lot of people and it isn’t difficult to understand why.

PandaBearCub · 20/12/2020 07:51

If you paid this from your own wage and didn’t get the money back from the company, then I think a £25 gift for 14 people is very generous. I would’ve just given chocolates or a £5-10 e-card if you’re struggling with money. I’m particular about which charities to donate to and I assume a lot of people are too.

bobbiester · 20/12/2020 07:52

@Ihavethesecret

You buy a gift thats tax deductible for you and gives you the feels. They get no benefit if they had no input into the chosen charity yet you want them tugging their forelocks in gratitude Hmm
This
Dishwashersaurous · 20/12/2020 07:52

And they probably think that previous year’s gifts were from the company- not you personally.

So at the end of a shitty year they don’t even get a gift which they normally get

Sakesman · 20/12/2020 07:52

Jesus, Your money, your choice, they’re not disappointed kids. Logistics of not spreading germs via gifts or having to buy them yourself/ get the email delivered from a shop. Yanbu. I’d have expected a “that’s a good idea- better to be safe” or something. Don’t take the silence badly- they maybe don’t know how to / don’t think they have to. It was a nice idea.

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