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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling angry about ingratitude - AIBU?

464 replies

NCforthis10 · 20/12/2020 06:36

NC for this. I’m not sure about whether I’m being unreasonable or not and I’m looking for a way of dealing with this.

I’m the manager of one of our company’s branches with 14 staff. I normally buy everyone a gift at Xmas to say thanks for all their efforts in the year. Nothing expensive, usually about £20-25 in value. Because of coronavirus our branch only has a skeleton staff in the office to deal with things that need to be dispatched and customer returns. I’m mainly working from home.

This year I decided to make a donation to a local charity on behalf of the branch rather than deal with the logistics of getting gifts to everyone. I sent an email out to all of the team thanking them for all their teamwork and another successful year despite the coronavirus, explaining that I’d made the donation in their names. I did this at the beginning of the week and no one has even acknowledged this apart from some comments made at a staff Webex meeting on Thursday when a couple of people said that they would have preferred a gift like usual.

I was so taken aback that I couldn’t say anything so I just acted like nothing was said and moved onto the next item. But I’m really struggling with what I see as immense ingratitude.

I’m looking to my fellow mumsnetters to let me know if my reaction is being unreasonable and how to deal with it. I really feel like saying something very pointed as I see making the donation still as a gift which obviously wasn’t appreciated, but I don’t want to make matters worse for myself.

AIBU?

OP posts:
BrumBoo · 20/12/2020 08:21

Ingratitude? I think donating to charity when usually you give a gift (excessively generous, but still) is incredibly rude and hurtful. It's like when a kindly aunt who uses to pop a bit if cash in your Christmas card suddenly buys you an Oxfam goat, just in the year you could have used 'charity' more yourself as well. I'd have given nothing, and hoped people had assumed it was a tough year for you as well rather than do what you did.

I'm wondering if this is a reverse actually.

yorkie99 · 20/12/2020 08:21

@Mummyozzi

Oh it was your own money ! Your poor thing. I think if in that case the fact you got them anything at all is very generous.

Sounds to me theyre a bit entitled and precious as you've been so generous other years and they feel entitled. Nobody should feel entitled as you're a wage earner like them. Even if it was company money, shit happens...

Don't worry about it, this time of year is a head wreck at the best of times & I can't imagine ordering 14 gifts.

Benefit of hindsight, give yourself a break. If they have jobs they're doing better than most.

Being a manager can be a thankless and hard job xxx

Agree with this. Think people are being a little hard on you, whilst a charity donation might have been disappointing for the staff you didn’t have to buy anything and certainly not £20 each from your own pocket.
GammyLeg · 20/12/2020 08:21

I see I'm in a minority but I would have been happy with that, OP! I would rather see money go to a charity than receive a generic gift.

DarceyDashwood · 20/12/2020 08:22

@NCforthis10

I only mentioned salary/furlough as someone has asked.

Yes, they know it’s from my own pocket.

I honestly feel like shit. You live and learn.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. Everyone makes misjudgements at work sometimes - you’ve realised you probably made the wrong call but draw a line under it now. Don’t dwell on it and make yourself feel like shit for ages. Ultimately you have helped a charity which is a good thing. Flowers
diamondpony80 · 20/12/2020 08:24

I wouldn’t consider it a gift either. I already donate to my own carefully chosen charities when I find one I’d like to donate to. I would NOT want someone donating to a charity of their choice in my name. It wouldn’t mean anything to me and is the same as not having got a gift.

cameocat · 20/12/2020 08:25

I'm going to go against the grain here OP and say that I think what you did was absolutely lovely. Maybe it missed the mark with your team but I still think what you did was lovely, it was with your own money after all! You must be a VERY good present buyer!

I don't think you should rectify it but would a card to each individual with a really heartfelt, personal message be good? You know that highlights how they've contributed this year personally (so nothing generic). I always like these more than the gifts! Alternatively you could collaborate it all into one letter so everyone sees what value they and everyone else brings to the team?

LuckyNumberThirteen · 20/12/2020 08:26

After such a shit year, where arguably a gift is more deserved than usual, it probably feels like a kick in the teeth.

I feel a bit sorry for them.

TenThousandSteps · 20/12/2020 08:27

It's been a shit year.

You gave a donation to charity in name of people, without their permission to use their names.

It's your money - do what you like, but don't then expect people to pat you on the back and be grateful when you have done something in their name without asking them if a) that's okay and b) what charity they would like you to support in their name.

You are using your charity giving as something that those lower down the rung need to thank you for. It's your money so do what you like with it, but don't expect people to then be grateful if in the same breath you say 'oh and by the way I'm not giving you a gift even after the shit year we've all had because I've got a golden glow about me now and I would like you to polish it a little bit more'.

My boss gave us all little gifts in lieu of our Christmas lunch AND has made a donation to charity. If he had made the donation to charity and emailed us to say 'oh by the way, no Christmas lunch for you, but be happy because I've given money to x charity in your name' I wouldn't have felt grateful, I would have thought literally nothing.

Sturmundcalm · 20/12/2020 08:28

I don't feel sorry for them - they're not entitled to a gift and you're right that the logistics of it would have been v difficult this year. So don't feel like shit! I do agree with the majority though that I hate being "gifted" a charity donation... You should feel free to donate to charity if you want but don't expect me to appreciate it.

TonMoulin · 20/12/2020 08:29

Did they even know you have always paid that gift from your own pocket?

Womencanlift · 20/12/2020 08:29

I think you do need to address it after Christmas is over even if it is to say guys I know I messed up.

I do a lot of our people/engagement type activities and whether you or others feel they are ungrateful or not, things like this do fester and can impact engagement and subsequently productivity.

I can guarantee they have all thought, rightly or wrongly, we have worked our ass off this year and it’s not been recognised. You would have been better off doing nothing and then taking them for a drink when all this is over

tinkerbellla · 20/12/2020 08:31

Buying them presents from your own money is so kind. This is above and beyond what you should be doing and your company should be buying gifts, not you! You sound lovely, don't let this get you down.

TenThousandSteps · 20/12/2020 08:31

Should have told them you were going to do this before you did it. 'Hey team, you know I usually buy you all a little gift, well this year I've decided to spend that money on x charity. Would you be happy for me to do this in your name. Oh and Happy Christmas to you all'.

amadeus1 · 20/12/2020 08:32

I am not bothered about receiving gifts, whether it's Xmas or birthday, but don't expect me to thank someone else giving to charity

SnuggyBuggy · 20/12/2020 08:32

I don't think the lack of a gift is that big a deal. Just don't see why they should be grateful for someone donating to charity.

BarbaraofSeville · 20/12/2020 08:32

@alwayslearning789

This reminds me of the saying 'no good deed goes unpunished'.

I'm surprised noone has said this but as an employee herself, what if the OP was struggling too and the consolidated gift was slightly less onerous than individual ones added up?

Amnually from your own pocket and now there is an expectation that people are entitled to it.

It was still a generous gesture on your part, so please don't beat yourself up about it and chalk it up to experience.

2020 has been a year like no other.

This.

Am surprised about the views on this. Anyone with a secure job above NMW who has been paid in full this year is in an immensely fortunate position right now. Agree with the poster who said those who expressed ingratitude are being bratty. They sound like children.

Also surprised about the number of people who expect generous gifts from their employer. Is this really a thing?

AlicebytheSea · 20/12/2020 08:35

Why were they meant to be grateful that you're sending money to a charity, and they got nothing? You gave their present away without asking! I'd be really hacked off, sorry. You definitely misjudged this.

kowari · 20/12/2020 08:35

Giving money to charity is a lovely thing to do but not as a gift unless the recipient has suggested it, or has said they don't want anything for themselves. You could have sent a link to the charity donation page if people wanted to give, seeing as it's a charity you normally support. I would have sent out gift cards as the gift though.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/12/2020 08:38

I think the point has been made, but I wouldn’t consider money donated to a charity on me behalf to be a gift to me, or worth of gratitude. I make my own decisions about charitable giving and put a lot of thought into who I support.

nettie434 · 20/12/2020 08:39

I'm surprised at some of the comments, given NCforthis10 made it clear that:

1 The money came from her own pocket
2 She is not claiming back the money as tax deductible
3 The charity was local and non controversial
4 The staff know she pays for their presents from her own money

NCforthis10, I've laid it out like this because some responses don't seem to be based on the information in your updates.

I am sorry you feel so bad for something that was clearly well intentioned. Clearly a voucher would have been a better alternative but unless you earn a lot more money than your colleagues, I would not expect a manager to buy everyone a Christmas present from their own money. The charity probably think the donation was a collective one from the staff themselves so even they are probably not thanking you!

I'd feel differently if the money for presents came from the company - especially if it usually pays for a Christmas lunch/night out - but I'm in the minority who voted YANBU.

Starseeking · 20/12/2020 08:41

You should have just sent them a voucher to their email addresses, as most are online now, rather than not being bothered to buy and post presents.

SingleWontMingle · 20/12/2020 08:42

Very "Chandler Bing in Tulsa". Yes you all had to work all over Christmas and New Year but a donation has been made in your name...

popebenedictsp45 · 20/12/2020 08:43

"Am surprised about the views on this. Anyone with a secure job above NMW who has been paid in full this year is in an immensely fortunate position right now. Agree with the poster who said those who expressed ingratitude are being bratty. They sound like children."

ABSOLUTELY. This has truly been a year to count your blessings. With the world such a shit show, I am immensely grateful to have food on the table and my family around me this Christmas. Getting worked up over a £20 is just unfathomable.

vanillandhoney · 20/12/2020 08:43

It does smack a little of "I just couldn't be bothered", or "you weren't worth the extra effort" which is probably what's annoyed people.

I'm self employed now but if my old boss had told me he'd donated to some random charity in my name I'd probably be thinking "okay....and?".

KitKat1985 · 20/12/2020 08:43

Well granted you're not obliged to give anything extra and I would probably have muttered a token thank you, but to be honest you gave their Christmas present away without asking them so you can't really be totally shocked they are a bit miffed and that most would have preferred a present. It's been a rough year and it sounds like they've worked hard, so they probably feel pretty pissed they don't even get a small present as thanks.

If you didn't want the hassle of gifts etc then I think giving everyone a £20 Christmas bonus or sending everyone an Amazon voucher would have been better.

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