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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling angry about ingratitude - AIBU?

464 replies

NCforthis10 · 20/12/2020 06:36

NC for this. I’m not sure about whether I’m being unreasonable or not and I’m looking for a way of dealing with this.

I’m the manager of one of our company’s branches with 14 staff. I normally buy everyone a gift at Xmas to say thanks for all their efforts in the year. Nothing expensive, usually about £20-25 in value. Because of coronavirus our branch only has a skeleton staff in the office to deal with things that need to be dispatched and customer returns. I’m mainly working from home.

This year I decided to make a donation to a local charity on behalf of the branch rather than deal with the logistics of getting gifts to everyone. I sent an email out to all of the team thanking them for all their teamwork and another successful year despite the coronavirus, explaining that I’d made the donation in their names. I did this at the beginning of the week and no one has even acknowledged this apart from some comments made at a staff Webex meeting on Thursday when a couple of people said that they would have preferred a gift like usual.

I was so taken aback that I couldn’t say anything so I just acted like nothing was said and moved onto the next item. But I’m really struggling with what I see as immense ingratitude.

I’m looking to my fellow mumsnetters to let me know if my reaction is being unreasonable and how to deal with it. I really feel like saying something very pointed as I see making the donation still as a gift which obviously wasn’t appreciated, but I don’t want to make matters worse for myself.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Fieldofyellowflowers · 20/12/2020 07:18

Christmas gifts from managers are usually their way of showing appreciation to staff. A donation to a charity chosen by you doesn't convey that so much. So maybe your workers are feeling a bit underappreciated?

Still cheeky to say that they would have preferred a present.

ElBurro · 20/12/2020 07:19

@NCforthis10

I did the same for my team - normally would buy them a box of chocolates each but over 30 staff, working across our region and all still strictly working from home - I just couldn’t afford to pay for the postage for everyone to get even a selection box. Now feeling like I’ve made a massive fuck up after reading this...

Whynotnowbaby · 20/12/2020 07:19

It is very kind of you to spend your own money on your staff each year and it seems like it’s well beyond the call of duty so I can see why you’re upset but yes, I’m afraid you didn’t “read the room”. Do the staff even realise you pay for these things yourself? My employer gives a substantial gift each year and every year we discuss whether the boss is being incredibly generous from her own pocket or whether there might be a work fund that pays for it. We thank her either way but we would be triply appreciative if we knew she had paid.

VashtaNerada · 20/12/2020 07:19

I think you’ve made a mistake of setting a precedent for gifts. What you’ve done in previous years is INCREDIBLY kind and generous, but has the unfortunate side effect of people now expecting it. It’s been a very hard year so to have a gift you were expecting withdrawn like that must be a bit of a shock to them. Never mind, chalk it up to experience and maybe don’t start a tradition like that again unless you’re able to see it through each year.

Aprilx · 20/12/2020 07:19

@NCforthis10

OK, thanks. Reading the room, I made a blunder.

Money was from own pocket and not tax deductible. I’m PAYE so not going to fill out a tax return for the sake of claiming this back.

Buying presents for colleagues out of your own money, as it appears you have done, is not tax deductible so there would be no point filling out a form anyway.

It is nice of you to make such a generous donation of your own money to charity. But there is no reason for anyone to show gratitude other than the charity.

Xmasgrump · 20/12/2020 07:21

Don’t try and rectify. Draw a line under the sand and forget about it now.

LockdownSanta · 20/12/2020 07:21

This is a bit of a virtue-signalling gesture TBH. They usually get a small thank you and this year you have basically given them the equivalent of a goat to some village. I'd rather you just didn't too.

In my line of work, I have discovered a few things about charities I am not impressed with and no longer donate money to any of them. I am happy to donate tangible things like food to a food bank or items to a homeless hostel but I am never giving money to a charity again.

Butchyrestingface · 20/12/2020 07:21

Still cheeky to say that they would have preferred a present.

Cheeky but effective. She won't do that again. Xmas Grin

Still, it would appear the company doesn't give gifts and OP buys them out of her own pocket. Maybe it's time for the company to step up.

Porridgeoat · 20/12/2020 07:22

Omg i worked my balls off this year through covid, hours extra and blood, tears for nothing extra, no recognition, no extra pay, snappy managers. I would feel rather insulted if a donation was made to charity. I’m struggling to have enough cash to make Xmas special for the kids, a meal, a few small useful gifts,

ArtemisBean · 20/12/2020 07:22

Not sure what kind of salaries your staff are on or whether they've been affected by furlough etc but a £25 Christmas bonus or supermarket voucher would probably have been a help to many people this year, not to mention a lovely gesture. Of all the years to pull out the stops for your people, this was it 🙁

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 20/12/2020 07:22

I err on the side of caution when it comes to manners but it wouldn't occur to me to thank you in this situation. You have chosen to give some of your money to a charity of your choosing. That is absolutely nothing to do with me and I wouldn't comment on it let alone thank you.

Porridgeoat · 20/12/2020 07:23

But it is very kind you buy it from your own pocket and really your whorl place should do this

SeigneurLapindeGrantham · 20/12/2020 07:23

Immense ingratitude? You sound utterly ridiculous.

Snowpaw · 20/12/2020 07:23

I think a donation into your own staffs bank accounts would have been a better idea!

HmmSureJan · 20/12/2020 07:23

Yeah, that's shit tbh. I'd thank you because you're the boss and it's The Right Thing To Do, but I would be totally Hmm about it.

HedgieHog · 20/12/2020 07:23

It was still a thoughtful thing to do, just a bit misjudged. Im guessing you get them something nice normally.
We have a nominated company charity we fundraise for each year. If you have maybe donated to that type of scenario I’d kinda get it.
Don’t beat yourself up, you did what you did with good intentions, logistics for actually gifts IS difficult, postage is expensive so you thought outside the box

Butchyrestingface · 20/12/2020 07:25

Not sure what kind of salaries your staff are on or whether they've been affected by furlough etc but a £25 Christmas bonus or supermarket voucher would probably have been a help to many people this year, not to mention a lovely gesture. Of all the years to pull out the stops for your people, this was it 🙁

Can't believe OP routinely spends between £280 and £350 out of her own pocket on her staff every Christmas though. Hope she's on a monster salary.

Beefcurtains79 · 20/12/2020 07:25

@NCforthis10

I did the same for my team - normally would buy them a box of chocolates each but over 30 staff, working across our region and all still strictly working from home - I just couldn’t afford to pay for the postage for everyone to get even a selection box. Now feeling like I’ve made a massive fuck up after reading this...

Online gift vouchers?

Pumpertrumper · 20/12/2020 07:28

Sorry OP but I mean I’m a really charitable person. I literally run my multinat company’s CSR division for our city. I love all that stuff, events, fundraising...etc

Even I think it was a shit move and can understand why people were disgruntled/put out.

Giving to charity is a personal choice. Lots (if not all) of your staff will have had a really crap year and a £20-£30 gift might have made all the difference. Nothing tastes more bitter than being forced to give to charity and expected to be grateful about it when you’re on the breadline or about to lose your home yourself! You don’t know their situations.

I imagine it really wasn’t appreciated and some of your staff probably resent it if anything. Kind of you to do but if you were doing it for the gratitude then you’ve royally wasted your money.

Bad call, don’t do it again next year.

ElBurro · 20/12/2020 07:28

@Beefcurtains79

Even an online gift voucher for £5 each would cost me £150- I simply can’t afford that 😔

trixiebelden77 · 20/12/2020 07:31

‘Immense ingratitude.’

😂😂😂😂😂

Very poor decision making on your part. It couldn’t have been easier to deal with the logistics - electronic gift vouchers.

Stepintochristmas2020 · 20/12/2020 07:31

E gift cards would have been better.

Not getting anything, this year of all years, would feel like a massive kick in the teeth and would really de motivate me.

I donate to charities of my choice throughout the year, ones that mean something to me. I don't need anyone to make a donation on my behalf to a charity of their choosing.

HeadNorth · 20/12/2020 07:32

OP - I've just sent money to my favourite charity - a home for confused spaniels in Bratislava. I did it as a gift to you. Why aren't you grateful?

Honestly, how could you think you could repurpose a donation to your chosen charity as a gift to someone else? And then be surpised they weren't grateful for their 'gift'. You didn't give them anything - not even a choice of where to donate!

Maireas · 20/12/2020 07:33

You're obviously a generous person, OP, you just misjudged it a bit.

Edel2019 · 20/12/2020 07:33

Hi OP

If you can afford it, I would go and get their gift now, like an e-card as some other poster suggested.

I wouldn't let things lie. Any other year, perhaps. But this has been a horrendous year. It'll leave a very bad taste in the employees' mouths.