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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling angry about ingratitude - AIBU?

464 replies

NCforthis10 · 20/12/2020 06:36

NC for this. I’m not sure about whether I’m being unreasonable or not and I’m looking for a way of dealing with this.

I’m the manager of one of our company’s branches with 14 staff. I normally buy everyone a gift at Xmas to say thanks for all their efforts in the year. Nothing expensive, usually about £20-25 in value. Because of coronavirus our branch only has a skeleton staff in the office to deal with things that need to be dispatched and customer returns. I’m mainly working from home.

This year I decided to make a donation to a local charity on behalf of the branch rather than deal with the logistics of getting gifts to everyone. I sent an email out to all of the team thanking them for all their teamwork and another successful year despite the coronavirus, explaining that I’d made the donation in their names. I did this at the beginning of the week and no one has even acknowledged this apart from some comments made at a staff Webex meeting on Thursday when a couple of people said that they would have preferred a gift like usual.

I was so taken aback that I couldn’t say anything so I just acted like nothing was said and moved onto the next item. But I’m really struggling with what I see as immense ingratitude.

I’m looking to my fellow mumsnetters to let me know if my reaction is being unreasonable and how to deal with it. I really feel like saying something very pointed as I see making the donation still as a gift which obviously wasn’t appreciated, but I don’t want to make matters worse for myself.

AIBU?

OP posts:
BringPizza · 22/12/2020 09:34

@onlythepianoplayer

A lot of you need to give your heads a wobble

I don't think you understood the point of the thread.

No-one is entitled to a gift. OP is not entitled to gratitude from her staff for not giving them a gift.

Its not hard, why are people so confused?

I fully understood the OP, but the thread has just fallen into a pit of slagging off someone who thought they were doing a nice thing.
onlythepianoplayer · 22/12/2020 09:39

Thats not the complaint you made. Make your mind up

excuseforfights · 22/12/2020 09:42

I don't think you understood the point of the thread.

It's not your thread, only, take a day off. People can give their viewpoints, who made you thread police?!

Riv · 22/12/2020 10:44

@Feministicon - “who wouldn’t support this charity” - I have no idea as I can only find a reference to “a local charity”. I support some, others I have concerns about.
@tiredqueen. The quote you cited is from feministicion not me. There are some charities that support things I really don’t agree with, and some that I have concerns about. There are many I fully support with time, money and more.

Riv · 22/12/2020 10:46

@tiredqueen OP is definitely entitled to support what ever charity she wants- but not in my name.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 22/12/2020 10:48

That's shit. No wonder they were pissed off.
But hey , as long as you feel good about yourself Hmm

Feelingpoorlysick · 22/12/2020 10:53

So basically, YOU made a donation to a charity of your choice and you are now saying that's a gift for several staff? I've never understood these charity donation gifts, surely if people want to donate they'll do it themselves. I would be miffed and it was an unfair thing to do but I think you realise that now.

silverbubbles · 22/12/2020 10:55

I got a lovely present from my company this year and we never usually get Xmas gifts. It was a thankyou for everyone pulling together over the tough year we have had.
I felt so much gratitude that my director had taken the time to do this and wrote him an email thankyou note.

If it had been a donation on my behalf to a random charity it would not have crossed my mind to say thank you (and I am a polite person!)
It's a cop out I'm afraid and no one gives a shit.

glasshalfsomething · 22/12/2020 11:02

Im going against the grain here and absolutely on the YANBU side of things.

Gifts for your team shouldn’t be expected. They’re not a right!

Making a charity donation was a lovely idea; helping the greater community out of your own pocket in their name. Admirable, rather than something to be judged on.

GreenTiles22 · 22/12/2020 11:13

I'm also going against the grain to say YANBU.

I can't believe some people's attitude and rudeness on here!

OP you don't need to feel like shit. You did a nice thing. Not everyone agrees but hey ho. If my boss did this I wouldn't have a problem at all.

StillDumDeDumming · 22/12/2020 11:22

I'm a bit surprised at this. My manager also PAYE gets us a small present for Xmas and Easter. It's lovely. Our Easter present got donated as it was consumable and we were all wfh l. Had they said they were donating the Xmas present money to a charity we would have been happy with that and thought it generous. Perhaps had a nice chat over Teams about why they'd chose that charity etc. We are happy to have a job and a decent manager. I am absolutely certain we'd have been ok with this reflecting that charity giving is taking a bashing. It is rude not to say thank you or to say what you'd rather have! The flaming cheek!

Butterymuffin · 22/12/2020 11:27

No one's entitled to a gift. They might be disappointed if they're used to getting one, but adults should be able to cope with that. Do they remember to thank you for the gifts, usually? Does anyone get anything for you? It's one of those 'no good deed goes unpunished' things.

I would seriously rethink doing it in the future. Suggest Secret Santa between everyone instead.

Againstmachine · 22/12/2020 11:33

The staff haven't been given anything, so they have nothing to be grateful for.

Geppili · 22/12/2020 11:33

They don't realise the gifts are from your own money!

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 22/12/2020 11:41

Secret Santa?

Mittens. To cover their grabby fucker fingers.

HeadNorth · 22/12/2020 11:53

How is it being a 'grabby fucker' to not say thank you for a present you didn't receive?

I just made a wee donation t a charty I support the other day - why didn't you thank me, you grabby fucker?

excuseforfights · 22/12/2020 12:09

I think several people are still missing the point that the charity is well known to all of OP's colleagues because the branch regularly raise money for it (school uniform for local kids who can't afford it).

Putthegasfireon · 22/12/2020 12:09

Making a charity donation was a lovely idea; helping the greater community out of your own pocket in their name. Admirable, rather than something to be judged on

Yeah, that's lovely. But don't dress it up as a present on someone's else's behalf, then expect that someone to be grateful that you did it for them. The OP had no right expecting her team to be grateful for what she did, which is what she was pissed off about. I don't know why that isn't getting through.

tootesuite · 22/12/2020 12:10

How is it being a 'grabby fucker' to not say thank you for a present you didn't receive?

It's rude to say 'I prefer an actual gift', which some did say.

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 22/12/2020 12:10

If you read my other posts you will see that I think op was wrong to expect thanks.

But to say they wanted to receive gifts instead is grabby. They shouldn’t expect gifts. And they certainly shouldn’t expect their line manager to pay for it out of their own pocket.

I think it is grabby. The OP did something she thought was nice to do. She misjudged it slightly by not telling them or asking what they should donate to but that is it.

I hope they choose to spend their own money more wisely from now on.

HeadNorth · 22/12/2020 12:14

The OP did something she wanted to do. Fair enough. But then the OP got annoyed because her staff were insufficiently grateful for her festive gift of nothing (or 'fuck all', if you are the poster who has a problem acknowledging the OP gave her staff nothing).

It is the OP's anger at her staff for not saying thank you for receiving nothing for xmas that is hilariously unreasonable. The rest is just scenery.

embod · 22/12/2020 12:19

I think you’ve had a hard time on this thread OP. I think it was a nice gesture. I would be grateful if you had made a donation on my behalf to a worthwhile cause. Certainly would prefer that to a box of chocolates 🤷‍♀️.

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 22/12/2020 12:20

I have no problem with understanding the OP giving their colleagues nothing. But these colleagues are not ‘their’ staff.

They shouldn’t have to say thanks as I’ve said. But to turn round and ask for a gift instead is grabby scenery and I don’t think it unreasonable to comment on that Wink

More so when plenty are saying the staff are not bu to expect gifts instead from their colleagues own pocket. If they think presents are expected for their sacrifice at work, why aren’t they complaining to the boss/owner?

Putthegasfireon · 22/12/2020 12:34

I think they were justified in saying 'they would have preferred a gift as usual'. I don't think the OP should have virtue signalled in their name, and it may have come across as a bit of fuck you to her colleagues.

'Thank you for all your hard work this year and as a thanks, because I can't be arsed dealing with the logistics of getting presents to you all, I'm not getting you anything, but I have donated your present money to a charity of my choosing'. I'm not surprised they were annoyed.

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 22/12/2020 12:44

The OP is entitled to do what they want with their own money.

The colleagues have no right to ask for a present from their colleague - usual or not - because the OP is under no obligation to buy them a gift.

I really would be interested to know if the colleagues have put their hands in their pockets for the OP ever.

It would be entirely different if it was from work funds. But it isn’t.