Neighbours beat up my mother in law- what should we do?

[LangClegTheBeardedVulture]

Posting for traffic.

My MIL has lived in her home for around 10 years. Semi detached bungalow in a cul-de-sac.

Last year a young couple moved into the adjoining house and had a baby. My MIL has been complaining about them being noisy for a while and the police have been involved (in what capacity I don’t really know).

My MIL is convinced this couple want to drive her from her house so they can buy it and knock through as the guy’s a builder.

Anyway, this situation has been going on for a while and has been getting steadily worse, especially during lockdown; MIL lives on her own and we haven’t been able to visit, neither have her 2 sisters.

Yesterday, my MIL went out and came home to find a garden ornament she had on her front lawn had been broken; she blamed the neighbour and began throwing bits of it into their garden in a temper. The guy came out and they started shouting at each other and at some point my MIL hit him.

He then hit her back and two women came out of his house and also joined in and they beat her up.

When the police came they asked the man if he wanted to press charges as MIL started the fight. She is about 5ft tall and 71 years old and has been beaten black and blue- DH has taken photos of her injuries.

However, I think some of the previous incidents with the neighbour may not be quite as she has described. She may be experiencing some cognitive decline which lockdown has exacerbated- but as we don’t see her often it is hard to be sure. We’ve not noticed any bad behaviour from those neighbours when we’ve been at her house but she says it’s because they know we’re there so they keep quiet. She’s also not always the easiest woman to be around, she is stubborn and can be a very black and white thinker- she’s had various disputes with other neighbours about parking and other matters which are pretty trivial and I’d probably have just let go.

We do not want this situation to escalate and feel the best thing would be for her to sell the house and move, either closer to us or closer to her younger sisters- she, understandably, doesn’t want to be driven from her home by these people. It’s hard for DH to keep an eye on her as he can’t drive and there is no one else who can help as she is NC with her daughter and her sisters are 100 miles away. I’m getting very worried about her safety and mental health. If we had a spare room she’d be welcome to live with us, at least for a while, but that isn’t a possibility atm.

I’m just looking for advice on how best to help with the situation. Short term, we want her to feel safe, in the long term we want to make sure she’s close to family so she’s less isolated and we can step in and help. We also don’t want this situation to escalate further.
Any and all advice welcome. DH is really worried.

Ok so she hit the guy first- but what about the two others who piled on? I'd be pressing charges against them!

Beating up a 71yo woman is inexcusable no matter the circumstances.

Does she have care needs at all? You might try safeguarding at the local social services for advice.

Put up CCTV to monitor and record things going on?

Yes CCTV that's a good idea

Omg that sounds horrendous. I would have said the police should have dealt with the neighbours and pressed charges even if mil didn’t want to but they say she ‘started the fight?’

Can your Dh contact the police himself to find out the whole story?

Goodness. See if you can get some help. Will the police speak to DH and see what the story is here?

Um, I'm sorry to say she had no proof that the neighbours caused the breakage so acted extremely unreasonably.
I'm not saying she deserves what she got, but she hit him first and that's no way to deal with a situation.
She needs to move away from there and into some sort of supported accommodation if her mental state is affecting her decision making to such a degree, to protect herself and others

That is horribly messy.

What does she say about throwing things into the neighbour's garden and hitting someone? Is that out of character for her? It does sound as though she needs more help.

Obviously the neighbour's shouldn't have hit her back, but she is clearly putting herself at huge risk by picking fights in this way.

I cant see any way this could be resolved without her moving tbh.

I dont think you’re getting the full story. I am not sure if the police would speak to your husband as next of kin but I think he needs to ask for the actual story as that doesn’t add up. I would be concerned that actually your MIL is acting unreasonably and although that in NO WAY justifies being beaten up- I just am not thinking this sounds right at all.

she sounds like a nightmare to live next to, but that doesnt excuse such an attack obviously, even despite her clearly starting it and constantly provoking them

Even if she started it there isn't an excuse to beat her black and blue.
As well as police try age concern.

Another one who thinks you need to get CCTV ASAP.

It sounds very odd the police would only talk about pressing charges on your mother in law. OK she hit 1st, but that only justifies "reasonable self defence" OK that's open to interpretation but it sounds like they went well beyond - at worst they should have held her arms, ideally just move away.

I think you should get her seen by her GP as her thoughts about the neighbours and reactions seem overly paranoid. I don’t want to worry you, but I would be asking for a dementia assessment - there is so much that can be done now that an early diagnosis can be life changing for people.

That doesn’t make sense.

The police wanted the neighbours to press charges although your MIL was beaten (visibly) black and blue by them?

Somethings missing from this story surely.

I’m not condoning what the neighbours did, but she sounds like a bloody nightmare to live next door to. In fact she sounds slightly unhinged.

I’d love to hear the neighbours side of the story.

There are two separate issues:

1. Her neighbours behaved disgustingly and I’d be contacting the police. Yes, she may have started it but the neighbour’s actions were not self defence - the continued and escalated an incident they didn’t need to.

2. Whether it’s cognitive decline or general cantankerous behaviour your MIL sounds like a very difficult person to live near and her behaviour needs to be managed.

Her complaints are unreasonable. Hitting her neighbour is ridiculous behaviour. Complaining about family noise is outrageous.

The dismissive nature of the police leads me to think that your MIL has been harassing her neighbours for some time.

You need to sort this out before the situation explodes again.

I’m sorry but this story doesn’t add up, if a 71 year old is beaten up they will have bone fractures and breakages. Often older people will bruise easier, my 73 year old grandma had a minor bumb that I witnessed and her entire face was swollen and bruised. She had barely clipped her cheek on a cupboard handle. I don’t believe she was “beaten up”

The neighbours retaliation needs to be dealt with theres no excuse and that belongs as a separate issue.

In regards to your MIL, she's had disputes before, is no contact with her daughter (why?) and her son has chosen to live away from home?

It doesn't fit the picture of a frail elderly lady being picked on. I expect the truth is she's made her neighbours loves miserable when they've had a newborn all because of some crying through the walls.

Please be careful about offering up room in your house, you might be her next target.

Your MIL is clearly a vulnerable adult and she is entitled to be assessed by adult social care at her local authority. The police may have already made a referral but you can make your own. It may even be possible to do it online. It is a very thinly stretched resource, so you may need to be persistent in asking them to assess MIL.

How about renting somwhere near family and renting hers out? You can sell it to her that it's temporary during the current covid situation. In the mean time get at least a ring doorbell you can monitor.

My df had vascular dementia, he was paranoid about the neighbours. He was diagnosed with schizophrenia as well being on antipsychotic drugs until he passed away.
Maybe contact her GP, especially as she’s been beaten up as a ‘welfare check’.

Sorry but I feel zero sympathy for her. She got beaten because of her own actions. She assumed they broke th ornament and then threw it in their garden and then bravely hit that man. Doesnt sound like a timing 71 year old. The other two women should be charged though but that man could equally turn around and have her charged.

1) Her neighbours behaved disgustingly and I’d be contacting the police. Yes, she may have started it but the neighbour’s actions were not self defence - the continued and escalated an incident they didn’t need to.

Except we don’t actually know if this is true. We know the MIL has bruising, we know the police were involved and we know they ARENT pressing charges against the neighbours. Police generally are pretty smart.....so likely the reality is quite different to what the OP has been told as she has suggested herself.

I also have lived near an elderly lady who started losing it. She ended up in Herrison Hospital after attacking her direct neighbours who were 2 young guys (who I knew and were delightful). One was a semi professional boxer. He needed 3 stitches in his face......

Agree with LouHotel.