Neighbours beat up my mother in law- what should we do?

[LangClegTheBeardedVulture]

Posting for traffic.

My MIL has lived in her home for around 10 years. Semi detached bungalow in a cul-de-sac.

Last year a young couple moved into the adjoining house and had a baby. My MIL has been complaining about them being noisy for a while and the police have been involved (in what capacity I don’t really know).

My MIL is convinced this couple want to drive her from her house so they can buy it and knock through as the guy’s a builder.

Anyway, this situation has been going on for a while and has been getting steadily worse, especially during lockdown; MIL lives on her own and we haven’t been able to visit, neither have her 2 sisters.

Yesterday, my MIL went out and came home to find a garden ornament she had on her front lawn had been broken; she blamed the neighbour and began throwing bits of it into their garden in a temper. The guy came out and they started shouting at each other and at some point my MIL hit him.

He then hit her back and two women came out of his house and also joined in and they beat her up.

When the police came they asked the man if he wanted to press charges as MIL started the fight. She is about 5ft tall and 71 years old and has been beaten black and blue- DH has taken photos of her injuries.

However, I think some of the previous incidents with the neighbour may not be quite as she has described. She may be experiencing some cognitive decline which lockdown has exacerbated- but as we don’t see her often it is hard to be sure. We’ve not noticed any bad behaviour from those neighbours when we’ve been at her house but she says it’s because they know we’re there so they keep quiet. She’s also not always the easiest woman to be around, she is stubborn and can be a very black and white thinker- she’s had various disputes with other neighbours about parking and other matters which are pretty trivial and I’d probably have just let go.

We do not want this situation to escalate and feel the best thing would be for her to sell the house and move, either closer to us or closer to her younger sisters- she, understandably, doesn’t want to be driven from her home by these people. It’s hard for DH to keep an eye on her as he can’t drive and there is no one else who can help as she is NC with her daughter and her sisters are 100 miles away. I’m getting very worried about her safety and mental health. If we had a spare room she’d be welcome to live with us, at least for a while, but that isn’t a possibility atm.

I’m just looking for advice on how best to help with the situation. Short term, we want her to feel safe, in the long term we want to make sure she’s close to family so she’s less isolated and we can step in and help. We also don’t want this situation to escalate further.
Any and all advice welcome. DH is really worried.

I would go and speak to them and find out their side.

I'd be concerned about dementia - particularly as you have mentioned that you think there may be some cognitive decline. Dementia can cause a loss of inhibition and the veneer of social convention. If she has always been a bit difficult, she may have previously been able to hold her behaviour in check. Normally people don't start a fight with someone who is presumably bigger and stronger than them as they know the potential consequences. Hence why so many fights happen when people are drunk and unable to think through the consequences.

You could pass on your concerns to her GP and/or adult social services but it is a very difficult situation unless your MIL is willing to engage.

The police are wrong. A young man beating up a 71 year old woman is not self defence.

Get CCTV now, also get you MIL's mental health assessed by social services, this woman is not well and needs help.

Good luck.

I think even without knowing the full story about what happened, it really seems sensible for her to move. Either she has attacked her neighbours for no real reason, or they have been bullying her and then beat her up. Whichever it is, she needs to move away from them. Surely these kinds of things will just keep happening while she's living next door.

I think your first priority needs to be getting proper medical advice to find out if there is something going on. Everything else will depend on her diagnosis.

I agree that this isn't the full story.

On the face of it, it is obviously totally unacceptable to beat a 71 year old (anyone, in fact) black and blue.

But you also say that MIL started throwing things into the neighbour's garden, hit him first, has a history of being "difficult" and having disputes with her neighbours, and is no contact with one of her own children.

This is one of these situations where if you heard the neighbours' story you'd probably get a very different perspective.

The police have to have heard a different version of this. If a 71 yo woman has been beaten black and blue, it doesn't matter who started it.

@RaspberryCoulis

I agree that this isn't the full story.

On the face of it, it is obviously totally unacceptable to beat a 71 year old (anyone, in fact) black and blue.

But you also say that MIL started throwing things into the neighbour's garden, hit him first, has a history of being "difficult" and having disputes with her neighbours, and is no contact with one of her own children.

This is one of these situations where if you heard the neighbours' story you'd probably get a very different perspective.

Agree with this. And also wanted to add that although you are very kind to be thinking of her moving closer to you or even coming to stay in your house, I really can't see that ending well for you. For whatever reason, she sounds like a very difficult person.

I would be very concerned about dementia, that is not normal behaviour from a 71 year old woman and whilst I am certainly not saying that what happened to her was ok, she can't go around throwing things and hitting people (obviously the neighbours were very, very wrong in their actions too). Something must be going on, and your MIL sounds like she needs more support than shes currently getting.

@JillofTrades

Sorry but I feel zero sympathy for her. She got beaten because of her own actions. She assumed they broke th ornament and then threw it in their garden and then bravely hit that man. Doesnt sound like a timing 71 year old. The other two women should be charged though but that man could equally turn around and have her charged.

Sorry but this is a 71 year old woman who regardless of what she did is clearly frail We had a neighborhood who drove us insane, her boy used to constantly kick the thin wall of our adjoined extension, it was constant thump, thump thump. She would have loud parties until 4am. DS and DD were babies trying to sleep and we didn't sleep for the entire time we lived there. We tried to chat to her at first and got sworn at, so we spoke to her landlord. She denied all knowledge and put on a 1950s housewife routine for him. She then started calling police and council on us. Made our lives hell but anytime anyone attended at our request she suddenly went quiet. So don't underestimate that perhaps the ops mil is indeed being harrassed And anyone beating a 71 year old black and blue- a male and two females no less against a frail woman- are a disgrace and I would be contacting the police standards complaints team and my local MP. Put some recording stuff in her house and CCTV catch them out.

Is your MIL mentally unwell?

There's also no such thing as "pressing charges" in the UK. It's up to the police to pursue a charge.

I am always wondering where you got your information from. I would suggest your DH and find out exactly what happened and take the pictures with him.

I really can't get my head round a 3 people being asked if they want to charge a 71 year old who was beaten black and blue (even if she have provoked it).

Write or phone her GP, saying you are worried about cognitive decline and ask that he call her in for a check up. (Or , if need be, do the same over the phone.)

He wont be able to tell you anything, but a good GP will act on relatives concerns.

Do talk to her about a POA. (You don't need a lawyer, just follow the instructions on the Office for Public Guardian website and head for the Elderly Parents Board here for more advice.) Suspicion of others is a common first symptom of dementia. Unfortunately this suspicion can prevent someone from signing it. Tell her that you need it in case she had a stroke or accident. Without a POA, social services could end up making the decisions. Ask GP to also encourage this, or someone else she trusts. (Priest or vicar, or old friend - especially if they have also noticed anything odd?)

Isolation is exacerbating cognitive decline. But having said that, the neighbour may just be an arsehole.

That is terrible. I'd never hit a 71 y.o women back even if they hit first I'd call the gardaí
even if some of the issues are from paranoia beating a small elderly lady is sick.
She can't go back there these aren't reasonable people.

Wow what a difficult situation. I'm shocked that whoever started it the police aren't more concerned with a highly bruised pensioner who was being fought by more than one person! Are you sure the bruising was caused by them?

I do think in the short term CCTV is a must. I also agree her moving closer to you would be wise but not sure how you can insist on that. It does sound like wherever she moves she's likely to have neighbour issues. It sounds like she has a difficult personality which may be being exacerbated by mental decline. I'm not sure how useful they would be but can you request a SS assessment?

agree with others that you definitely do not have the full story. If I were your DH I would do two things, call the police and ask what happened according to them and phone her GP.

Your MIL needs help and a medical assessment. She may have a serious illness or dementia. But she needs help

Self defence is all well and good if she felt like he was going to throw the first punch and from your post they were shouting. My Nan is 90 and holds grudges on all her neighbours from over 40 years ago, her judgement is clouded and is very stubborn and is always right. I could see quite easily how this would escalate. Unfortunately no one has to right to start being violent to anyone regardless of gender or age.

I’d get CCTV and I would contact her GP as she appears to a vulnerable adult, maybe a social worker would be helpful.

There are lots of issues here that need to be dealt with to make life better for all involved

I also agree with others my Nan literally has to tap herself and she looks like she has been in a fist fight, she banged her arm on door frame the other day and the bruise was massive.

This is such a difficult situation, can't be pleasant for anyone involved. I guess you need to find a way of turning moving away into a positive for her, rather than letting her see it as being driven from her home. Difficult as she's already paranoid about them trying to take her home.

I had an uncle who suffered from dementia. It is a truly horrible disease and massively confuses the sufferer. Sufferers I am afraid can be violent and aggressive. Understandable as they often think they are under attack. In one incident it took four people to pull him off a council worker and he was nearly eighty. I think she needs help OP? Difficult when it is a relative, but I would check the facts carefully.

There are two separate issues here

1. Police: there is obviously something else/ more to this than OP has said here/knows. Your DH needs to contact the police directly and find out what they think is the case.

1. MIL is obviously vulnerable, no matter her age, health, temperament etc. Now is the time to circle the wagons, get in touch with her GP etc. CCTV and anything else you can reasonably think of.

Best of luck with it!

I have a different take on this.

First of all, they might have had nothing to do with the broken ornament -could have been wind or whatever.

She starts throwing it into their garden -dangerous could hit them, the baby, a window etc -this is unacceptable.

Then she starts shouting at them, maybe swearing, maybe making threats -again unacceptable.

He shouts back that he is calling the police -that she has hit him with a stone and is threatening to kill him and he is cut from a flying piece of stone etc

She hits him hard -he doesn't do anything but his wife and teenager daughter come to his defence and are trying to contain her and place her out of their garden and she is throwing punches at them etc and then they hit her in self defence -are they covered in bruises? Did you even check?

Police look at their CCTV and their story and ask them what they want to do -they say they don't the old little woman nice door arrested as she clearly needs medical help.

I'm just trying to pose an alternative here.

Actually she needs help -your MIL this is not normal. You can't excuse people to do what they like if they find something broken etc.

Age 71 is no excuse for her behaviour
Her height is no excuse
Her gender is no excuse

The meaness, most viscous person I ever knew was a woman, less than 5ft, she stabbed a friend of mine in the leg. She bit the ear off her boyfriend etc.

But three people piling on to a 71 year old woman @Somersetlevel? Is that OK?

I agree that your MIL needs more support and a dementia assessment. Paranoia regarding neighbours was one of the earliest signs of my mother’s cognitive decline.That is notto say the neighbours are not behaving badly. 3 people beating up a 71 year old does not constitute reasonable self defence.

If 3 people had piled on to a 71 year old, do people think the police would really have asked the neighbour if he wanted to press charges?

Definitely more to this story.

Who told you this story, especially the but about neighbours being asked if they want to press charges?

It does sound like your most pressing action is to get MIL assessed, I really don't think the story re the police can be entirely true.