Neighbours beat up my mother in law- what should we do?

[LangClegTheBeardedVulture]

Posting for traffic.

My MIL has lived in her home for around 10 years. Semi detached bungalow in a cul-de-sac.

Last year a young couple moved into the adjoining house and had a baby. My MIL has been complaining about them being noisy for a while and the police have been involved (in what capacity I don’t really know).

My MIL is convinced this couple want to drive her from her house so they can buy it and knock through as the guy’s a builder.

Anyway, this situation has been going on for a while and has been getting steadily worse, especially during lockdown; MIL lives on her own and we haven’t been able to visit, neither have her 2 sisters.

Yesterday, my MIL went out and came home to find a garden ornament she had on her front lawn had been broken; she blamed the neighbour and began throwing bits of it into their garden in a temper. The guy came out and they started shouting at each other and at some point my MIL hit him.

He then hit her back and two women came out of his house and also joined in and they beat her up.

When the police came they asked the man if he wanted to press charges as MIL started the fight. She is about 5ft tall and 71 years old and has been beaten black and blue- DH has taken photos of her injuries.

However, I think some of the previous incidents with the neighbour may not be quite as she has described. She may be experiencing some cognitive decline which lockdown has exacerbated- but as we don’t see her often it is hard to be sure. We’ve not noticed any bad behaviour from those neighbours when we’ve been at her house but she says it’s because they know we’re there so they keep quiet. She’s also not always the easiest woman to be around, she is stubborn and can be a very black and white thinker- she’s had various disputes with other neighbours about parking and other matters which are pretty trivial and I’d probably have just let go.

We do not want this situation to escalate and feel the best thing would be for her to sell the house and move, either closer to us or closer to her younger sisters- she, understandably, doesn’t want to be driven from her home by these people. It’s hard for DH to keep an eye on her as he can’t drive and there is no one else who can help as she is NC with her daughter and her sisters are 100 miles away. I’m getting very worried about her safety and mental health. If we had a spare room she’d be welcome to live with us, at least for a while, but that isn’t a possibility atm.

I’m just looking for advice on how best to help with the situation. Short term, we want her to feel safe, in the long term we want to make sure she’s close to family so she’s less isolated and we can step in and help. We also don’t want this situation to escalate further.
Any and all advice welcome. DH is really worried.

Hi OP,
I don’t have much advice to offer in addition to what you have already had but if your MIL is found to have dementia or a related condition I strongly recommend a book called “contented dementia” by Oliver James. It turned my relationship with my mother around 180 in a few days. She went from being constantly terrified, violent and agitated to fairly... well content 90% of the time. It’s very readable and really made me feel less isolated almost over night. Everyone talks about dementia as if it is the worst thing in the world (and don’t get me wrong it is a fucking cunt) but that book meant my brothers and I enjoyed most of the last year with my mum (she declined very quickly this year and is currently on palliative care in hospital) rather than the hell that was the 4 or so months before.

How are things going with MIL.
Any update from the police or neighbours.

Hi, mum in law is with her sisters at the moment and says she feels a lot more relaxed. My DH is going to speak to her about power of attorney. Me and my Ddad installed the security camera and that's also put her mind at ease as she can keep an eye on her house.

Whilst we were over installing the camera I put a note through the neighbours door. They ended up inviting us in for a cup of tea and a chat. They are completely normal, very nice people and I feel so sorry for them, as it sounds like they've been through a living nightmare with the accusations of noise and the abuse my MIL has been giving them, and they are at their wits end and seem really scared of what she might do to them. Their version of the incident that ended with my MIL covered in bruises is very different to hers and tallies up much more with the injuries she has. They also showed me footage from their doorbell camera of how she behaved on the day and it was really shocking. They suggested the ornament which got broken was knocked over by a delivery van reversing out of a driveway, which seems a much more likely explanation.

I've spoken to a psychiatric nurse who works in partnership with the police, someone at the local mental healthcare team where she was previously referred, and adult social care. They're not really able to help much at the moment as she's out of the area so I'm going to see if she can be assessed by the team in her sister's area as we don't know when she will return thanks to the COVID restrictions.

I feel a big sense of responsibility to the neighbours and am worried if she goes back to her home she'll start harassing them again and escalate her behaviour. Her sister seemed to think the neighbours aren't "blameless" and are probably "lying through their teeth" about some of the incidents so we've got a bit of a way to go to get her to acknowledge the problem.

Hopefully your MIL will enjoy her time away from her home and be more amenable towards looking into another living arrangement.

Additionally, and potentially worrying, your DM’s behaviour may manifest itself during her stay with her sister and the sister will get on side about sorting out the problem to get care for your MIL.

In any event, a break from your MIL living in her house right now given the “assault” is likely a good thing right now both for her and the neighbours.

She’s lucky to have such a caring DIL as you. Well done to your dad helping out too.

My father has vascular dementia. Symptoms were mild fir quite some time but then escalated very quickly. He heard people in his own 2 bed flat and wouldn't go into his bedroom as that is where 'they' were. It quickly escalated to violent outbursts, trying to get in to other flats, accusing people of stealing things, culminated in him attacking me when I was called to his flat by the police. He had to be temporarily sectioned and from there went in to a care home.

He truly believed people were there in his flat, he truly believed people were stealing from him, truly believed I was stealing from him, truly believed I attacked him first (thankfully I happened to be on the phone to Social Services when he attacked me so there was a witness who also called the police back to the flat).

Dementia is very cruel - sounds like your MIL could be displaying symptoms.

You have been busy OP - good for you! I'm glad you've been able to chat with the neighbours and that they aren't abusing your MIL. Distressing though it is when an elderly relative develops dementia, it would be even worse if her neighbours were indeed beating her up. The fact that their version of events makes sense and that they showed you their security footage is at least reassuring on that front. If an assessment of your MIL can be performed while she's at her sister's, that would be best, I'm sure. Her poor neighbours

From experience do not underestimate the ability of people to deny dementia in those closest to them.

It may well be that the sister cannot bear the potential loss so will have persuaded herself that it is not happening.

On POA you may only have one good shot, before her sisters persuades her out of it.

I would write down the arguments, focussing on how essential it is for the family to be able to make decisions in the event of something catastrophic like a stroke. It really can be a year of more to sort out an alternative is someone has lost capacity. Use any family members or friends (vicars etc - men in uniforms usually work wonders) who she is likely to listen to.

A few tricks I used with my mother.

1. I thought of her mainly as a frightened toddler (Oliver James' book "Contented Dementia had a few really useful suggestions though the book itself is rather odd) who had a level of capacity but often lacked orientation. So a need to both make decisions but to keep her calm.

1. I would write down answers to things she worried about like "do I have any money", "why am I here" (I had moved her to very sheltered housing) and leave the paper with her so she did not worry when on her own. You might provide explanations for noises. Plus her haps say that you have spoken to a lawyer and the neighbours would not be able to "steal" the house.

(Whilst you are about it, do add alternative contact details to the land registry to help prevent fraud. You are allowed three contacts to be informed if anyone were ever to try and buy the property, so her address, plus your address and your email.)

1. I would patiently explain something to my mum and she would agree to go ahead. Then forget and decide I was trying to do something against her will and to my advantage. I would say firmly "you must remember that we discussed this and we agreed for the following reasons....". My mother was too proud to say she had forgotten.

1. My mum was more willing to listen to men, so my husband rather than me. (She forgot that she had taken an initial dislike to him!)

Also grab a third party mandate form from her bank and get her to sign it. Whatever happens to her POA, you would then have immediate access to this. (Not least to be able to check whether cold callers are able to get her bank details and set up standing orders...something that is very common indeed.)

Sad it looks like she is losing capacity in this way, but at least you all know what is going on and can get help. That's good.

There is a test Mini mental state examination btw. Pp reminded me of that. You can try that on her too. It's hard for people to accept this and for people around to accept this. It's such a horrible and mean disease.

And get yourself to the MN elderly parents board. Lots of good kind people there, who have lots of understanding and experience to share.

I'm not surprised at what the neighbours have said. Hopefully you can get things moving forward now.

It's good she's at her sisters and also well done for speaking to the neighbours.

Her DS might be reluctant to believe that your MIL has an issue but hopefully living with her will allow her to form her own conclusions.

I think getting her assessed is a good idea.

Until you definitely know what the problem is it's hard to plan for.

What does seem clear that until the cause of the issue is identified she's unable to live at home alone for both her safety and the welfare of her neighbours.

My mother passed away 15 months ago, luckily before Covid. She lived with dementia for 10 years.

Another reason for getting a third party mandate to her bank account quickly (they are usually processed in 2 weeks) is you can check that she paying utility bills and wont be cut off.

You almost want to get the POA done before any assessment, so there is no question that she has the capacity to sign. And a good reason to do it yourself and to not involve lawyers. My brother was in denial as he did not want to think about potential problems and responsibilities, but had to face facts when my mother had a fall and was in hospital. I think he essentially brought the (sympathetic) priest along and as my mother came round from her operation, got her to sign and the priest to witness. My mother could well have thought she had died and this was a requirement for entry to heaven.

But job done and I could not have made the decisions I needed to make without it. The initial months were really hard as my mother was frightened and confused and she did not like the change in family relationships. (parent-adult-child) Eventually she became accepting and spent the better part of a decade in a contented Groundhog Day.

Once you have the POA and assessment it is worth looking at Attendance Allowance not only because this is not means tested, but also because it unlocks other benefits such as Council Tax exemption.

Good luck. It is a huge learning curve and can be really distressing both for the older person and those trying to help.

Get POA for health decisions as well as finances. I can’t emphasise how crucial this is having gone through this with my mil in recent years.

She said they tap their fingernails on the wall. And she mentioned the marbles again and said “who would let a little baby play with marbles?”

Just want to address this and sat this sounds exactly like the sounds nice make. The marbles tapping is exactly the sound you get when a mouse is dragging something hard against a hard surface (conker / acorn etc)

If you can access the house often enough maybe put some traps down?

I'm glad you had a chat with the neighbours it seems your suspicions were right. ❤ She must be petrified hearing/imagining noises.

Always 123 you need to read OP's last post, the story is now different.

@LangClegTheBeardedVulture - how are thing's?