Neighbours beat up my mother in law- what should we do?

[LangClegTheBeardedVulture]

Posting for traffic.

My MIL has lived in her home for around 10 years. Semi detached bungalow in a cul-de-sac.

Last year a young couple moved into the adjoining house and had a baby. My MIL has been complaining about them being noisy for a while and the police have been involved (in what capacity I don’t really know).

My MIL is convinced this couple want to drive her from her house so they can buy it and knock through as the guy’s a builder.

Anyway, this situation has been going on for a while and has been getting steadily worse, especially during lockdown; MIL lives on her own and we haven’t been able to visit, neither have her 2 sisters.

Yesterday, my MIL went out and came home to find a garden ornament she had on her front lawn had been broken; she blamed the neighbour and began throwing bits of it into their garden in a temper. The guy came out and they started shouting at each other and at some point my MIL hit him.

He then hit her back and two women came out of his house and also joined in and they beat her up.

When the police came they asked the man if he wanted to press charges as MIL started the fight. She is about 5ft tall and 71 years old and has been beaten black and blue- DH has taken photos of her injuries.

However, I think some of the previous incidents with the neighbour may not be quite as she has described. She may be experiencing some cognitive decline which lockdown has exacerbated- but as we don’t see her often it is hard to be sure. We’ve not noticed any bad behaviour from those neighbours when we’ve been at her house but she says it’s because they know we’re there so they keep quiet. She’s also not always the easiest woman to be around, she is stubborn and can be a very black and white thinker- she’s had various disputes with other neighbours about parking and other matters which are pretty trivial and I’d probably have just let go.

We do not want this situation to escalate and feel the best thing would be for her to sell the house and move, either closer to us or closer to her younger sisters- she, understandably, doesn’t want to be driven from her home by these people. It’s hard for DH to keep an eye on her as he can’t drive and there is no one else who can help as she is NC with her daughter and her sisters are 100 miles away. I’m getting very worried about her safety and mental health. If we had a spare room she’d be welcome to live with us, at least for a while, but that isn’t a possibility atm.

I’m just looking for advice on how best to help with the situation. Short term, we want her to feel safe, in the long term we want to make sure she’s close to family so she’s less isolated and we can step in and help. We also don’t want this situation to escalate further.
Any and all advice welcome. DH is really worried.

What an awful situation for you to have to deal with OP. As others have said, there does sound to be much more to this than MIL is letting on. Someone 'starting it' doesn't entitle the other to respond in such a disproportionate way and get away with it. So I'd be speaking to the police first to understand exactly what's happened here.

Your MIL does sound like very hard work, and as many others have said, likely mentally unwell, and I can see why that's not conducive to good neighbourly relationships. I do think if things have got this bad something needs to be done, and moving sounds like an option, but intervention either through the GP or social services sounds like a starting point.

The guy came out and they started shouting at each other and at some point my MIL hit him.

She is about 5ft tall and 71 years old and has been beaten black and blue

being 5ft tall and 71 didnt stop her assaulting someone. i dont condone violence from her or them and what they did was disgusting but maybe she will now keep her hands to herself.

@Ginfordinner

But three people piling on to a 71 year old woman *@Somersetlevel*? Is that OK?

Who says they piled on?

For crying out loud, you weren't there -I'm just trying to say things could be very different in reality.

This exactly my point. 71 year woman, is abusive, violent, throws things, punches a man (gender irrelevant), screams abusive threats, rock in hand -two women try to get the rock out of her hand while husband is bleeding with a head injury, MIL -then fights them and gets bruised etc.

This could be VERY different in reality than the way MIL has told it.

You need to make regular welfare checks on your MIL

SHe may have hit the man first, she may not
She might be suffering a mental health breakdown, she might not.
He son needs to visit her regularly

It really is his responsibility to make sure his mother is safe and well

But three people piling on to a 71 year old woman @Somersetlevel? Is that OK?

We don't know that that's what happened @Ginfordinner. All the OP and her DH have is MIL's version of events and she admits to paranoid thinking, throwing broken bits of ornament into her neighbours' garden, and hitting her neighbours. Another poster also attests to older people bruising easily and the police, who attended the scene, seemed to think that she was the one at fault.

OP your MIL needs an urgent assessment by her GP/local SS as a vulnerable older adult with signs of cognitive decline. In the meantime, I'd ring the police and see if you can get any info and if you feel its safe to do so, knock on the neighbour's door and just ask for their version of events in a non-confrontational manner. I certainly wouldn't be taking MIL's word for it on anything - she sounds very confused and utterly unreasonable.

Don’t move her in with you, it could be awful.
But do make efforts to visit her somehow

@Needmoresleep

Write or phone her GP, saying you are worried about cognitive decline and ask that he call her in for a check up. (Or , if need be, do the same over the phone.)

He wont be able to tell you anything, but a good GP will act on relatives concerns.

Do talk to her about a POA. (You don't need a lawyer, just follow the instructions on the Office for Public Guardian website and head for the Elderly Parents Board here for more advice.) Suspicion of others is a common first symptom of dementia. Unfortunately this suspicion can prevent someone from signing it. Tell her that you need it in case she had a stroke or accident. Without a POA, social services could end up making the decisions. Ask GP to also encourage this, or someone else she trusts. (Priest or vicar, or old friend - especially if they have also noticed anything odd?)

Isolation is exacerbating cognitive decline. But having said that, the neighbour may just be an arsehole.

I agree with all of this. It should be a priority to get medical POA (I think it's called something else now - LPA?)

Also, suggest she needs to see the GP to take a look at the injuries.

I have sympathy for the neighbours, but if the reaction you've been given is accurate, then I think it might be time to talk with her about relocating in the interest of her safety and happiness.

"However, I think some of the previous incidents with the neighbour may not be quite as she has described. She may be experiencing some cognitive decline which lockdown has exacerbated- but as we don’t see her often it is hard to be sure."

Do you think that you should be looking at this in the first instance, her state of mind? It is a fact that if people are starting to get dementia that they can see situations in a completely different way to reality. They can be super aggressive and overly mean and very rude and intrusive. I know as my aunty did this to my mother well before it looked like she had dementia and it was only later that we all realised that was a symptom of her illness.

I am not saying that the neighbours are in the right at all, but I am saying perhaps she needs more monitoring and extra care and maybe a doctors visit to see about her state of mind?

It seems unusual that an old lady would complain about a crying baby and do things like through broken bits of pottery into a neighbours yard without there being other things adding to her behaviour.

Clearly living there is not healthy for her if she is so upset all the time, and more sadly the uncomfortableness of the situation will take up most of her thoughts in the years of her life that should be focused on the positives in life.

For crying out loud, you weren't there -I'm just trying to say things could be very different in reality

exactly my point. 71 year woman, is abusive, violent, throws things, punches a man (gender irrelevant), screams abusive threats, rock in hand -two women try to get the rock out of her hand while husband is bleeding with a head injury, MIL -then fights them and gets bruised etc

You weren't there either yet you've created a scenario. Who said he was bleeding or hit with a rock.
It is never acceptable to beat a frail lady of 71 restrain if necessary never hurt.
Speak to the police for more information.

I also don't think you have the full story.

The police could have contacted Social Services Elderly Service Dept or equivalent for a mental health assessment and it's really odd that there's no follow up from the police.

Yes, your MIL 'started it' but a person in their right mind would not react in the way she did over an ornament and then hitting a neighbour. Those actions demonstrate an absence of self control which could point to dementia or other mental health issues and the police not following up on this is poor.

The police have the power to get the wheels in motion for other services to kick in so it may be worth querying this with them and also contacting your MIL's Social Services Elderly Welfare Team and her GP.

When the police came they asked the man if he wanted to press charges as MIL started the fight.

Even if she struck him first, for the police not to take action against him too in circumstances like this is disgusting!

I can't help but compare it to the young man who was brutally beaten by a group of TWs. He made a remark to the effect that they weren't women as he was passing them. They turned round and followed him and then beat him up viciously in the underground. THEY STAMPED ON HIS HEAD!!!

The magistrate/judge effectively said he's brought it on himself and they were given derisory punishments.

I always understood that

a) the person who struck the first blow - ie not just a comment - was the aggressor (in this case your MIL - fair enough)

BUT ALSO

That response had to be appropriate - just enough to stop any fiurther violence - not a pile on and brutal beating of ANYONE, but particularly a fragile old lady.

I think I'd be trying to take this further - it's bliddy shocking

This doesn’t sound right, three people beat the shit out of a 70 year old woman and rhe police asked if they wished to press charges as she through the first punch? I don’t believe that for one minute.

If this is true then you’ve not been told the full story. I’d contact the police and ask say you’re worried about her.

On a separate note it seems she’s being possibly carrying out a hate campaign against her neighbours, I’d think carefully about what care she needs.

Surely this is a safeguarding issue?

@BlueCheckedTeatowel

The guy came out and they started shouting at each other and at some point my MIL hit him.

She is about 5ft tall and 71 years old and has been beaten black and blue

being 5ft tall and 71 didnt stop her assaulting someone. i dont condone violence from her or them and what they did was disgusting but maybe she will now keep her hands to herself.

Yes - 3 people beating the sh*t out of an elderly woman is a totally appropriate response.

The police are dealing with the possible assault so for now I would focus on your MIL’s wellbeing. Contact adult social care and her GP. They can assess her to see if dementia or something else is causing an issue. Age U.K. are also a good point of call.

Regardless of the outcome of the appointments, it doesn’t sound tenable for your MIL to remain where she is. For now I would keep an open mind about what has happened between her and her neighbours and whilst her behaviour has, without a doubt, been unacceptable, so has theirs.

Agree with pps: the police would have been all over it if the mil had really exhibited signs of being beaten.

I saw a Nightmare Neighbour Next Door recently, in which a woman said she’d been hit by a neighbour. The CCTV showed that he had pushed her after she had hit him, and she had stumbled backwards into the bins. Nevertheless she had a lot of bruising.

That’s terrible.

I would suspect the others tried to stop her and her bruising is from that. She could have fallen in the scuffle or even inflicted some injuries on herself. I only say that because it is seems so unbelievable that the police would take this approach.

One option could be going and speaking to the neighbours. They might welcome it if this situation has been awful for them. It would be good for them to know you’re looking into how to help and might give you some peace of mind to not have to think of her living next to monsters who wish to harm her,

Equally if they are violent thugs you’ll get the measure of that and know that what she’s saying has some truth to it.

A horrible situation

I would suspect the others tried to stop her and her bruising is from that. She could have fallen in the scuffle or even inflicted some injuries on herself. I only say that because it is seems so unbelievable that the police would take this approach

Yes this seems likely, If they were trying to stop her assaulting him then it’s likely she got bruised in that, and then the police would ask them if they wished her charged

There is no way police would look at a woman seriously assaulted by three people and say meh, she threw the first punch. No way at all.

I would assume she’s attached him and they women came out to stop it, and that’s how she got hurt.

Oh my, what an awful situation. I agree about DH contacting the police to see of he can find out exactly what went on and also her GP for a cognitive assessment.

A lot of what you have said sounds like late onset psychosis/related to her cognitive decline a little. The fact that she says neighbours want to take over but when you have been around neighbours have been alright, issues with multiple neighbours? Please do get in touch with her GP, there is more to this than meets the eye. I am sorry she has been hurt and it must be a difficult situation for you.

Who did you get the story from?

Because based on your description of your MIL's history of falling out with neighbours and paranoia and her daughter going NC with her, I'd be taking the it with a pinch of salt.

I'm sorry, but no matter what people think of the justice system in this country, I cannot imagine a scenario where police officers come across a battered 71 year old woman and ask the presumably younger neighbour if he wants to press charges whilst facing nothing himself. you are allowed to act in self defence but what you've described goes way past that. so either you've not been told the full story or you're not sharing it here.

your MIL sounds paranoid. I am sorry she is in this predicament but you've also stated she has form for starting situations with other neighbours. she needs to be assessed by professionals, for her own sake. if she moves, this pattern of behaviour will likely start again, just with new neighbours.

I’m not going to comment on the incident itself but following what some have said and being purely practical, you need to get her assessed before you/she makes any life decisions such as buying a new home because if she does have a form of dementia or any other condition that effects cognition or even going forward mobility (because that does go hand in hand). You may find that today’s solution is not suitable a year down the line. I am saying this as a daughter of a 73 year old man with Alzheimer’s three years and three house moves on from his illness first becoming apparent (18 months from diagnosis). If she has dementia I wish you all well, it’s a rough journey for everyone. Sorry this is happening over Christmas too.