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Original poster

Neighbours beat up my mother in law- what should we do?

295 replies

LangClegTheBeardedVulture · 18/12/2020 09:40

Posting for traffic.

My MIL has lived in her home for around 10 years. Semi detached bungalow in a cul-de-sac.

Last year a young couple moved into the adjoining house and had a baby. My MIL has been complaining about them being noisy for a while and the police have been involved (in what capacity I don’t really know).

My MIL is convinced this couple want to drive her from her house so they can buy it and knock through as the guy’s a builder.

Anyway, this situation has been going on for a while and has been getting steadily worse, especially during lockdown; MIL lives on her own and we haven’t been able to visit, neither have her 2 sisters.

Yesterday, my MIL went out and came home to find a garden ornament she had on her front lawn had been broken; she blamed the neighbour and began throwing bits of it into their garden in a temper. The guy came out and they started shouting at each other and at some point my MIL hit him.

He then hit her back and two women came out of his house and also joined in and they beat her up.

When the police came they asked the man if he wanted to press charges as MIL started the fight. She is about 5ft tall and 71 years old and has been beaten black and blue- DH has taken photos of her injuries.

However, I think some of the previous incidents with the neighbour may not be quite as she has described. She may be experiencing some cognitive decline which lockdown has exacerbated- but as we don’t see her often it is hard to be sure. We’ve not noticed any bad behaviour from those neighbours when we’ve been at her house but she says it’s because they know we’re there so they keep quiet. She’s also not always the easiest woman to be around, she is stubborn and can be a very black and white thinker- she’s had various disputes with other neighbours about parking and other matters which are pretty trivial and I’d probably have just let go.

We do not want this situation to escalate and feel the best thing would be for her to sell the house and move, either closer to us or closer to her younger sisters- she, understandably, doesn’t want to be driven from her home by these people. It’s hard for DH to keep an eye on her as he can’t drive and there is no one else who can help as she is NC with her daughter and her sisters are 100 miles away. I’m getting very worried about her safety and mental health. If we had a spare room she’d be welcome to live with us, at least for a while, but that isn’t a possibility atm.

I’m just looking for advice on how best to help with the situation. Short term, we want her to feel safe, in the long term we want to make sure she’s close to family so she’s less isolated and we can step in and help. We also don’t want this situation to escalate further.
Any and all advice welcome. DH is really worried.

OP posts:
VeganVeal · 18/12/2020 11:12

As we know we only have half the story,
Next thread,...... we moved into a quite cul de sac, all good until the old woman next door started complaining about our child being noisy, well our DD is only 2, we try to keep the noise down, but not easy. Other neighbours said dont worry shes always complaining, if its not about noise its about the parking in the street.
Anyway the other day DH went out and she was throwing a broken ornament into our garden and shouting, DH went over and she attacked him, he pushed he off, police called etc, they asked DH does he want to press charges he says no.........

Viviennemary · 18/12/2020 11:16

Sounds more like she is driving them out. She started a fight. If police aren't pressing charges it's highly unlikely your mum was beaten up.

Toilenstripes · 18/12/2020 11:19

Honestly all of them should have exercised some self-control, and the neighbours are absolute scum for beating an elderly woman. But she really should be assessed. Violent or aggressive behaviour can be seen in early dementia.

naturalyoghurtmuncher · 18/12/2020 11:21

I know she's 71 but she's not above the law. She started it. Hope all works out well for your mil and family Thanks

Clawdy · 18/12/2020 11:24

It's a pity there were no witnesses to the incident. It does seem odd that the police asked the neighbour did he want to press charges.

Unicorn34 · 18/12/2020 11:25

It doesn't matter if your MIL "started it" or not - no way should 3 adults beat up an old lady, or even just lay a finger on her. No, she shouldn't have hit him - but he SHOULD NEVER have retaliated - what a piece of scum. All 3 adults need to be cautioned at least. Poor lady. She needs to be living somewhere safely especially if her cognitive behaviour is declining. Who knows what will happen next? Unfortunately dementia is a very unkind disease that can make people act totally differently from normal. A GP appointment is probably in order to see if she needs to be assessed for it.

Vivarium · 18/12/2020 11:30

My MIL is convinced this couple want to drive her from her house so they can buy it and knock through as the guy’s a builder.

This in itself seems like an indication that she is mentally unwell.

It's ridiculously unlikely and there seems to be zero evidence for it - it's just something she's made up inside her head and is now treating as reality.

But in real life, how likely is it that this young couple with a toddler could afford to buy two houses? And if they could, why on earth WOULD they do that when they could just buy a single larger house instead, without all the trouble and mess and rearrangement of rooms? It would actually be cheaper to do that than to buy two semi-detached homes. And who would lay a plan like, "I know, we'll buy a semi, then hopefully we'll make enough noise so that years later our next door neighbour will move, in which case we may or may not be able to buy the house next door as well and then have a huge building project knocking down walls!" The whole thing is just absurd. She sounds paranoid and delusional. Sorry.

museumum · 18/12/2020 11:35

I would approach the neighbours yourselves, say that you understand that there's been issues and you're not 'taking sides' and really want to understand it from their point of view. Just go and meet them if they will or speak to them on the phone and listen to what they say before making any decisions. I don't think you can without more information.

HappyDays10101 · 18/12/2020 11:35

I can’t believe that people are reading this and believing she was beaten up by three people and the police are suggesting that the neighbours should be the ones to ‘press charges’. No way did that happen.

unmarkedbythat · 18/12/2020 11:36

If you look it up, you can work out who would be your MILs Nearest Relative under the Mental Health Act, and they can exercise their right to request a MHA assessment. (If she has a spouse or civil partner, or a partner who has lived with her for 6+ months it will be them, if not it will be the eldest of her children). That does not mean an assessment will actually be undertaken, MH services will look at the request and deem whether it is actually necessary, but in your shoes, if my MIL would not agree to seeing a professional to discuss mental health needs, I would be doing that.

PilchardMandarin · 18/12/2020 11:43

I agree the neighbours wanting to drive her out and buy her house sounds like a paranoid delusion

Bluntness100 · 18/12/2020 11:43

@HappyDays10101

I can’t believe that people are reading this and believing she was beaten up by three people and the police are suggesting that the neighbours should be the ones to ‘press charges’. No way did that happen.
Exactly,

The only plausible explanation, if this is true, is that they were trying to stop her. That’s why they asked the man if he wished to press charges

Are they the ones who called the polic?

Hellotheresweet · 18/12/2020 11:43

“Beaten black and blue”

And police asked if neighbour wanted to press charges.

I suspect you have been a little OTT in using this description of “beaten black and blue”

Amira19 · 18/12/2020 11:46

Not all old people are pleasant. It sounds like she has a vendetta against this family because they have a noisy child. She's had issues with other neighbours and is NC with her own dd. I imagine she is a nightmare. She provoked a situation where she was the aggressor, youre getting her side of story not the truth, the fact the police asked them if they wanted to press charges says it all. Its likely the other women were trying to get her off the bloke. Has she always been like this aggressive or is this a recent thing? If its recent I would get her assessed for Dementia. Whatever you do don't invite her to live with you though it sounds like she's a nightmare.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 18/12/2020 11:48

If this is real, then you need to investigate what mental state she is in. My GM turned into very nasty fantasist thanks to dementia.

As pps said, the police isn't that stupid... It's quite possible, sadly, that the neighbours are actually the one being driven out of their home...

sosotired1 · 18/12/2020 11:48

Where is the OP?

Yohoheaveho · 18/12/2020 11:49

It's clear to me that this woman has mental health issues, the paranoid delusions and lack of impulse control may well be early expressions of cognitive decline/dementia

AryaStarkWolf · 18/12/2020 11:49

You may not be getting the full story from her but regardless of whether or not she hit the man first 3 people beating up a 71 year old woman is outrageous and inexcusable, I can't believe the Police would react in the way they did if that's genuinely what happened

Jocasta2018 · 18/12/2020 11:50

The neighbours could've been trying to restrain her not hitting her. Both actions would leave bruises.
Contact the police for further information & request a welfare visit for your MiL from her GP.

Bluntness100 · 18/12/2020 11:52

If this is a true story then the woman needs some help, she’s been carrying out a hate vendetta against her neighbours and it would appear she’s violently assaulted one.

She’s no clue if they broke her ornament, likely not, and it’s unlikely they want to buy her house, if they did they’d have asked. And she’s had disputes with her other neighbours over minor stuff. In addition you recognise there is likely cognitive decline. Plus the story of her been beating up is bullshit.

So you need to get her some help, and in addition recognise that this must be beyond awful to live next to for the neighbours, their stress levels will be enormous.

readingismycardio · 18/12/2020 11:53

@JillofTrades

Sorry but I feel zero sympathy for her. She got beaten because of her own actions. She assumed they broke th ornament and then threw it in their garden and then bravely hit that man. Doesnt sound like a timing 71 year old. The other two women should be charged though but that man could equally turn around and have her charged.
We are not talking sympathy, though, we are talking laws. If the real story is as presented in the OP, there's no ground for self defence. The response needs to be a proportional one, in this case 1. We have bloody people beating up at 71 year old woman & 2. Grievous bodily harm.

Anyway, what a nightmare...🥲

Original poster
LangClegTheBeardedVulture · 18/12/2020 11:53

@sosotired1
I'm currently at work trying to do my job whilst worrying myself sick.

I am reading the responses to this thread and I'll try to reply to the questions people have asked when I get a chance.

And yes, this is real, I'm not making this up, although I fully understand that what actually happened and what MIL has told DH happened may be different.

OP posts:
SchrodingersImmigrant · 18/12/2020 11:55

It may be very hard for him to accept that her mind might be going.

JillofTrades · 18/12/2020 11:56

If it was 3 against 1 then I would be absolutely shocked that the police came, saw , said cheerio and left.
They gave the man an option but would they have really left the other 2 without any recourse?
Op is only hearing the mil side and it sounds like she didn't tell her the full story.

YesMeLady · 18/12/2020 11:58

Has she been to hospital to have any injuries looked at. I would speak to social services and her g.p and get an assessment done. If she is that high risk to herself or others would she be safer in residential care.