Neighbours beat up my mother in law- what should we do?

[LangClegTheBeardedVulture]

Posting for traffic.

My MIL has lived in her home for around 10 years. Semi detached bungalow in a cul-de-sac.

Last year a young couple moved into the adjoining house and had a baby. My MIL has been complaining about them being noisy for a while and the police have been involved (in what capacity I don’t really know).

My MIL is convinced this couple want to drive her from her house so they can buy it and knock through as the guy’s a builder.

Anyway, this situation has been going on for a while and has been getting steadily worse, especially during lockdown; MIL lives on her own and we haven’t been able to visit, neither have her 2 sisters.

Yesterday, my MIL went out and came home to find a garden ornament she had on her front lawn had been broken; she blamed the neighbour and began throwing bits of it into their garden in a temper. The guy came out and they started shouting at each other and at some point my MIL hit him.

He then hit her back and two women came out of his house and also joined in and they beat her up.

When the police came they asked the man if he wanted to press charges as MIL started the fight. She is about 5ft tall and 71 years old and has been beaten black and blue- DH has taken photos of her injuries.

However, I think some of the previous incidents with the neighbour may not be quite as she has described. She may be experiencing some cognitive decline which lockdown has exacerbated- but as we don’t see her often it is hard to be sure. We’ve not noticed any bad behaviour from those neighbours when we’ve been at her house but she says it’s because they know we’re there so they keep quiet. She’s also not always the easiest woman to be around, she is stubborn and can be a very black and white thinker- she’s had various disputes with other neighbours about parking and other matters which are pretty trivial and I’d probably have just let go.

We do not want this situation to escalate and feel the best thing would be for her to sell the house and move, either closer to us or closer to her younger sisters- she, understandably, doesn’t want to be driven from her home by these people. It’s hard for DH to keep an eye on her as he can’t drive and there is no one else who can help as she is NC with her daughter and her sisters are 100 miles away. I’m getting very worried about her safety and mental health. If we had a spare room she’d be welcome to live with us, at least for a while, but that isn’t a possibility atm.

I’m just looking for advice on how best to help with the situation. Short term, we want her to feel safe, in the long term we want to make sure she’s close to family so she’s less isolated and we can step in and help. We also don’t want this situation to escalate further.
Any and all advice welcome. DH is really worried.

@frazzledasarock

That doesn’t make sense.

The police wanted the neighbours to press charges although your MIL was beaten (visibly) black and blue by them?

Somethings missing from this story surely.

As I understand it, it isn't up to the neighbours or anyone else to 'press charges' (assuming this is in the UK) the police decide whether to take things further or not.

the idea that anyone should just allow a 71 year old to hit them just because they are 71 is beyond ridiculous. should careers and nurses on dementia wards/ in nursing homes, hospitals etc just be assaulted everyday because their patients are over a certain age ?

Its patently obvious that her bruises are from being restrained probably by the wife and daughter - many elders bruise more easily and unless she has two black eyes and a broken jaw or similar my assumption would be restraint.

She needs help ! The neighbor's are probably distraught at the whole situation.

I am so very sympathetic to the OP - this is a horrible situation for you and your DH to be in. I empathise because I am in a similar place with my own DM. It's all very well people saying 'she sounds like a nightmare' etc. That may very well be true but this is a societal challenge - we are just not well set up to deal with our ageing population and she might well be paranoid, unreasonable, angry and so on but that doesn't mean we shouldn't look after her as a society. Unfortunately in my experience there is very little social or medical care that she will be able to access unless a) she accepts the fact that she needs help (and if she is anything like my mother who thinks 'mental health' is a massively shameful taboo) or b) she is seen as a danger to herself or others and the services are very reluctant to assess that. My SIL is a mental health social worker (for adults) and so hike we all know my mother is bipolar, delusional and depressed, as she won't accept she needs help, there is basically nothing she can do. She is also calling the police on her neighbours all the time.

I am so sorry OP - I am not offering you any help here, just solidarity. And it would be great if she could move but the thing is, she is going to take herself with her wherever she goes.

OP your MIL sounds very similar to a neighbour of my family when I was growing up. She hated all neighbours and got so wound up about minor issues. She then started having a go at my mum saying things like we couldn't walk across the middle of our living room until we learned to walk daintily as it was causing her chandelier to shake etc.

Things just kept escalating and she started to call the police on us as my mum refused to engage with her. She then got warnings for wasting police time etc. Her daughter didn't visit often but when she did she was told all sorts of stories and believed them. At one point she dragged my mum off a bike in the street by the hair (in front of me, aged 8), because she didn't like that my mum let the shared gate swing shut behind her.

Eventually we moved away, she started the same crap with the new owner and a few years down the line was diagnosed with quite far progressed dementia.

The daughter came to apologise to us years later as these were warning signs she'd missed.

Why do people keep talking about 'pressing charges'?

This is in the U.K., presumably, and there's no such thing. We don't get to decide who is charged, or not, with anything. It absolutely does not work that way. Too much TV...

And regarding the posts saying the person the MIL attacked should not have fought back, or that they are only allowed to restrain, etc. Again, completely untrue. What's considered reasonable does not mean "you're bigger, therefore you can't react". The legal angle is that in the moment of defending yourself from attack you can't be expected to make a measured decision and carefully calculate the level of response that's reasonable. Unless the response is grossly disproportionate, or premeditated, then it's not going to be outside the legal definition of defending yourself.

It's shocking that so many MNers steam in with incorrect advice around matters of law.

Having said the above it does sound like the MIL is in need of help and support and it's totally understandable that the family are very worried and want to do something to help. I would feel exactly the same.

CCTV might be a good start because it may well go some way to understanding whether the MIL's interpretation of various events is the same as reality.

You need to contact the police and find out what actually happened, OP.

Shes NC with her daughter? Or is the daughter NC with her?

I doubt the police would be this chill if they had actually beat the shit out of her. For all you know the bruises are from her falling or being pulled off him, you don't know if she hit him with something and that's why he hit back.

You also don't know if she's been harassing the fuck out of her neighbours.

Age doesn't excuse any of it.

Unfortunately OP what your MIL has said is hearsay and not to be counted on as fact. Some parts of your MIL's story could be true but since many of the ideas she's put forward are not plausible and therefore unlikely, I don't think you can assume the majority of it to be true.

I agree with PPs who suggest she needs to be assessed for cognitive decline, I'm sorry. My FIL had Alzheimers and was convinced that his partner of 20+ years was robbing him of his money and that there were people living in the cupboards at home. Obviously none of that is remotely the case but he couldn't be persuaded otherwise.

I can well believe that your MIL is a difficult person to live with or near, as already one of her children won't contact her. She's not going to change for the better at this stage, so I would suggest you rethink the idea of having her live with you, for your own sakes. Sorry, it's such a tough situation.

"I’m sorry but this story doesn’t add up, if a 71 year old is beaten up they will have bone fractures and breakages. Often older people will bruise easier, my 73 year old grandma had a minor bumb that I witnessed and her entire face was swollen and bruised. She had barely clipped her cheek on a cupboard handle. I don’t believe she was “beaten up""

This is hilarious. Obviously PP has no idea about women of 71. Maybe someone in their 80s or 90s might get a fractured bone, but not a 71 year old. If my neighbours tried to beat me up, they'd be the ones left black and blue.

I find this so interesting. So many people saying 'for goodness sake don't let her live with you!'. I understand completely but what are we supposed to do in society with older people starting to cognitively decline? Who should be looking after them if not their children? We don't have the system or resources for the state to 'look after' them (which I would love). What do those people think is the right answer here (serious question I promise)? I imagine they're not suggesting straight Abandonment or Euthanasia? Or maybe they are?

It's a fucking time bomb that's starting to explode and only going to get worse.

It’s not hilarious and everyone is different, and yes many people bruise much more as they age and become elderly.

@custardlover

I find this so interesting. So many people saying 'for goodness sake don't let her live with you!'. I understand completely but what are we supposed to do in society with older people starting to cognitively decline? Who should be looking after them if not their children? We don't have the system or resources for the state to 'look after' them (which I would love). What do those people think is the right answer here (serious question I promise)? I imagine they're not suggesting straight Abandonment or Euthanasia? Or maybe they are?

It's a fucking time bomb that's starting to explode and only going to get worse.

I don’t know what the answer is, but I have young children and if my MIL was behaving like this, I would not have her living in my home. My children’s well being comes first.

@Handsoffstrikesagain

And yes for goodness sake do not let her live with you.

I agree, no one is equipped to be a carer for someone with dementia, this is a job for professionals, sadly we do not have enough professionals or enough capacity to cope with the numbers of people who will need care. I understand the knee jerk response of 'it's the responsibility of children to care for their parents' but when you look at what this actually entails it just isn't feasible:(

the situation is already out of control, you can't expect anyone to live in fear of being assaulted by their neighbour however old either party are. having photos of her bruises and any injuries, which could have occured over time, is not enough, she needs to be properly assessed by a doctor. if she is putting herself and others at risk of assault then she needs to have a assessment of her mental and cognitive function and if she is not safe at home then placed somewhere more appropriate. its difficult to know what happened if you're not actually there so it might help to speak to the neighbours for their side of the story but this could turn even more serious if it's not dealt with now.

@custardlover it is because the MIL is NC with her daughter and her own son lives 100 miles away. So even without adding in any cognitive decline it probably indicates the MIL is a difficult person to get on with.

I know people currently and grew up with people who took care of elderly relations with cognitive decline. None of them would look or would have looked after the person if they found the person difficult normally.

Did you DH take the photos in her home? He needs to speak to the neighbours and the police.
It sounds strange tbh the police didn't make an arrest for assault on someone.
I'd have to confirm the story from the neighbour.

Too right the OP should not have this person to live with her. This is a job for the professionals, as other people have said.

It's not just that it would be an unpleasant, difficult and probably dangerous choice. It's the fact that the OP and her family would be literally unable to provide the same care that the MIL would get from round the clock professionals in a healthcare setting.

As your DH can't drive there, I suggest you look for sheltered housing near you. Her fears about the neighbour buying it are unjustified. She can either rent it out, to fund renting at her new place, or sell it to anyone but the neighbour.

I am also thinking there is more to this than has been told

Given her history with neighbours, also why is her daughter NC I suspect that it is your MIL who is the one that is causing problems and that is why the police aren’t going after the people who joined in. Maybe this time she has targeted people who will fight back.
Hitting someone is unacceptable. Equally having 2 more people join the fight is not right.

I wouldn’t be keen to have her move in. I wonder how long it would take before police were coming round to your house.

It could be dementia. Dmil who is tiny and wouldn’t ever in normal circumstances be anything other than polite and friendly to people physically attacked a couple of boiler repair guys who had been brought in to change the boiler in her house.
She was 94 and weighed a little over 5.5stone. She was convinced they were there to kill her.

I would definitely get her to visit her gp on the pretence to check her bruises and ask him to check her for possible dementia

Did they bear mil up though? GM had dementia and was awful. She would make up stories and when she had falls she would blame other people

Good luck reasoning with someone who when they were young was difficult and who now has paranoid delusions....
the only way to avoid these awful situations is for people to move into suitable accommodation before they develop cognitive issues

@JorisBonson

Is your MIL mentally unwell?

There's also no such thing as "pressing charges" in the UK. It's up to the police to pursue a charge.

This. I doubt that a “pressing charges” conversation took place- MIL is embellishing her account of what happened.

We don't know this woman is cognitively impaired, it's hardly appropriate for posters on this thread to be diagnosing her and even IF she is (and it's a big if) does that give the neighbours the right to assault her?!

I wouldn't place too much store on what the police have done. It's hardly uncommon for the police to get it wrong/ take the wrong side in a dispute.

I don't really understand why no one has seen her during lockdown - you or her sisters could have been in a bubble with her? If your DH has taken photos presumably he's now been to visit. If he hasn't already he needs to take MIL to her GP to get her bruises etc looked at and recorded.

What does she want to do? Understandable she may not want to move, she probably expected this was her last move, but you say she's only been there for 10 years so not as much of a wrench as leaving a long established family home. I think your DH needs to say how worried he is, and suggest either moving closer to you or her sisters. She will be reluctant to move and let the neighbours win, but if your DH frames it as genuine concern for her welfare and safety, depending on how scared she has been by this incident (I would be terrified if it was me and I'd been assaulted by 3 people) she may be willing to consider it.

If she does actually have some cognitive issues, some form of sheltered housing may be appropriate. It would probably also - IF that is established - be helpful for your husband to obtain Power of Attorney. But first step should be a trip to the GP.