Neighbours beat up my mother in law- what should we do?

[LangClegTheBeardedVulture]

Posting for traffic.

My MIL has lived in her home for around 10 years. Semi detached bungalow in a cul-de-sac.

Last year a young couple moved into the adjoining house and had a baby. My MIL has been complaining about them being noisy for a while and the police have been involved (in what capacity I don’t really know).

My MIL is convinced this couple want to drive her from her house so they can buy it and knock through as the guy’s a builder.

Anyway, this situation has been going on for a while and has been getting steadily worse, especially during lockdown; MIL lives on her own and we haven’t been able to visit, neither have her 2 sisters.

Yesterday, my MIL went out and came home to find a garden ornament she had on her front lawn had been broken; she blamed the neighbour and began throwing bits of it into their garden in a temper. The guy came out and they started shouting at each other and at some point my MIL hit him.

He then hit her back and two women came out of his house and also joined in and they beat her up.

When the police came they asked the man if he wanted to press charges as MIL started the fight. She is about 5ft tall and 71 years old and has been beaten black and blue- DH has taken photos of her injuries.

However, I think some of the previous incidents with the neighbour may not be quite as she has described. She may be experiencing some cognitive decline which lockdown has exacerbated- but as we don’t see her often it is hard to be sure. We’ve not noticed any bad behaviour from those neighbours when we’ve been at her house but she says it’s because they know we’re there so they keep quiet. She’s also not always the easiest woman to be around, she is stubborn and can be a very black and white thinker- she’s had various disputes with other neighbours about parking and other matters which are pretty trivial and I’d probably have just let go.

We do not want this situation to escalate and feel the best thing would be for her to sell the house and move, either closer to us or closer to her younger sisters- she, understandably, doesn’t want to be driven from her home by these people. It’s hard for DH to keep an eye on her as he can’t drive and there is no one else who can help as she is NC with her daughter and her sisters are 100 miles away. I’m getting very worried about her safety and mental health. If we had a spare room she’d be welcome to live with us, at least for a while, but that isn’t a possibility atm.

I’m just looking for advice on how best to help with the situation. Short term, we want her to feel safe, in the long term we want to make sure she’s close to family so she’s less isolated and we can step in and help. We also don’t want this situation to escalate further.
Any and all advice welcome. DH is really worried.

That’s very sad op, from your update she’s clearly very very confused. I think both uou and your husband must logically know she is ill and not need people on here to confirm it.

I understand sometimes it’s hard to accept, and there is a hope it’s not the case, because of what it means when it is the case, ie she can no longer live alone, the care she will need etc, but it’s important to accept it. You don’t need her sisters to tell you something is wrong, it’s very clear she’s in a bad way.

From speaking to her last night I think it’s extremely likely she is hearing things- others on the thread have mentioned relatives “hearing” their neighbours banging on pipes and similar. The sound of marbles rolling and hitting the wall is very strange, specific and unlikely.

I would change 'dispute' in your note to 'difficulties'.

The sound of a marble rolling and hitting the wall exactly describes a mystery noise I can hear from our upstairs neighbours who have wooden floors.

I have had all sorts of theories as to what it actually is - exercise equipment, kids toys etc, but have never got to the bottom of it.

Maybe her neighbour changed the flooring when they moved in causing everyday sounds to travel more.

Could the marble hitting the skirting board be their Hoover tapping the skirting board? Some people vacuum a lot.

I think the hearing things may be a red herring. Children seldom play marbles any more, never mind infants. It’s a game of her youth, not today’s youth.

The fact she’s told you and your husband totally different stories, shows her confusion. She’s not lying, she just doesn’t know what happened to her.

Sounds awful . If your mil is in cognitive decline as you say. You can not rely on her version of events. She sounds vulnerable, adult safeguarding advice maybe .. do social services do this ??

Could the marble noise be mice? We had mice behind the skirting boards once and they were surprisingly noisy.

*You need to talk to MIL about durable power of attorney ASAP, and get the ball rolling on it.

As part of the process of getting this done your MIL will require certification from her doctor that she is compos mentis.

I hope you are not too late.*

It depends on where you are. The UK works differently. You need "capacity" to grant a POA, so best done sooner rather than later. Many people do it a decade or so before they are likely to need it, often at the same time as writing a Will. The Office Of Public Guardian has clear instructions, but you essentially need someone to witness (we used a priest, but GP and others will do) and then ideally close family members sign to confirm agreement. Yo9u do not need to use lawyers, especially if all the family are happy and unlikely to contest. I understand that it can now be done on-line.

It's when capacity is lost that the problems start. You then need to apply to the Court of Protection for Guardianship. This can take up to a year, maybe longer with Covid. I can honestly say that the Court of Protection was the most inefficient public sector organisation I have ever had to deal with, and that was for something much more simple. It still took a year, and their help desk was so unhelpful and their forms so complicated that I had to use lawyers.

I think a very, very neutral version of your letter is the way to go. Bear in mind that what's been going on is not just a question of interpretation - at this stage you don't actually know that any of this has happened. Things you actually know are:

• that your MIL has bruising and that she attributes this to some sort of altercation with her neighbours, which she believes the police responded to.
• that your MIL has previously told you about, and is continuing to tell you about, concerns and grievances with these neighbours that are, at best, highly improbable. The idea that they're engaged in a nefarious scheme to drive her from her house in order to buy it and knock through - a plan which, quite apart from everything else, would fall at the obvious first hurdle that one could just opt to sell the house to literally anyone else - clearly makes no sense. The belief that they've recorded the sound of marbles hitting the skirting boards to play incessantly at her is also very odd and unlikely. She clearly feels very concerned by them on some level, which much be very frightening and all-consuming for her, but whether they've actually done anything at all, let alone beat her up, is not at all clear.

I'm not suggesting MIL is lying and, in response to PPs, I agree that it's not appropriate to attempt to diagnose anything specific over the internet. I do think, though, that it's not a stretch to suspect that some aspect of her cognition or mental health is suffering, based on those specific things that you do know. I also think it's likely that there's been some form of altercation. But if we don't think that the house-buying marble stuff is objectively 'real' (however subjectively upsetting it is for your MIL), then it's worth keeping in mind that the same may also be true for any aspect of the rest of it, and that there may be other aspects to the situation that haven't yet revealed themselves. I'd keep a very open mind.

It goes without saying that if the neighbours did indeed beat her up, that's reprehensible. And it's possible that it happened. But I'd proceed with openness, to begin with. Best of luck.

Is she driving to her sisters and is that safe if she is having hallucinations and hearing things and responding by anger.

Hi, quick update:

Her sister has driven down to pick her up this evening before the new COVID restrictions kick in, so she is going to be away from the house from tonight.

I went to see her today and she is very scared. She is genuinely terrified of her neighbours. I got her full account of what’s been going on and the first 6 months of the neighbours living next door there were no problems- the noises began when lockdown did.

She broke down and said she’s been forgetting things so she thinks she might have dementia- but she still thinks the noises are the neighbours. She said they tap their fingernails on the wall. And she mentioned the marbles again and said “who would let a little baby play with marbles?”

I’m waiting for the officer who was called out to call me so I can find out what went on. Also, she has a Ring security system but hasn’t had it installed. I’ve now got a spare key so I’m going to take my dad round to help me install it.

It does sound like dementia or similar, I'm not surprised she is terrified.

Hopefully you can chat with her sister and see what she thinks after a few days.

Your poor MIL. I can't imagine much worse than having reason to think you have dementia.

Poor woman. Perhaps she might be happier living in sheltered accommodation with company and support. It must feel scary for her but the neighbours could be totally innocent and feel vulnerable too. A trip to her gp would be the best thing.

Glad to hear she is going to her Sisters, the enforced period of isolation may have increased some of the symptoms of her depression, it will be good for her to spend time with people and you can see how she is after that and makes plans accordingly.

The time with her sister might make her bit better. I hope it will be ok.

Hopefully it isn't dementia my DM had a pulmonary embolism a few years ago and was acting very strange aggressive and out of character.
Make sure he sister checks she isn't sleeping a lot or not eating.
I think lockdown has caused lots of stress. My DC definitely made more noise this year the frustration of lockdown.

Poor thing. My mother in law is aware she has very early dementia and experiences hallucinations (she is convinced next door bangs on the walls) it is terrifying for her.

I'd ask for a mental health assessment (be warned my mother in law has continually passed these tests with flying colours 😫) and if possible a scan.

Definitely do get powers of attorney in place asap if you can.

Meant to say they scan for us was incredibly helpful and narrowed down the type of dementia in addition to other issues which makes managing the situation a little better. Also get her tested for a UTI.

Another thing which may be of more comfort is that UTI’s cause delirium in the elderly which makes them paranoid and panicky. They are often less aware of what we may see as the more obvious symptoms of a UTI. I would consider taking her temp as well.

Not saying anything did or didn't happen.

But worth bearing in mind that some forms of dementia (e.g. Lewy Body) dementia can make people very paranoid and suspicious.

It can cause delusions of persecution - and even full hallucinations.

People with Lewy Body dementia may make all sorts of accusations about other people doing awful things - or that they are imposters.

I work Community older people MH. Lockdown has increased incidents of crisis and behaviour similar to you MIL has not been uncommon.
The isolation and fear has been a trigger. Loss of routine another. We are experiencing a surge in referrals. Not helpful but may explain

I'm sorry that you're all going through this. Sadly from your updates it sounds increasingly likely that mil is suffering from some form of dementia and as such her versions of events ( even though she believes them implicitly) cannot be relied on. Being aware that you are loosing your faculties must be terrifying for her, and this has most likely been projected onto fear of her neighbours. Have you been able to speak to either the attending police officers or her neighbours to try and clarify what actually happened ?

Poor old stick, and poor your DH, and you. I hope that your MIL becomes happier and more peaceful over Christmas, and the family gets a better idea of what is happening.