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Original poster

Found secret messages on DH phone

194 replies

Connie667 · 17/12/2020 20:10

My DH has been acting odd for a while. Distant and always on his phone.

I've never done this before but when he left his phone on the side earlier (which he never does) I looked at it.

There was a messaging app which I've never seen before and I found messages between him and someone saved as "DB" without a profile picture.

The messages date back months. They've sent pictures to each other and he's been asking to meet up with her.

From what I can gather from the pictures she's sent him, she's at least 10 years younger than me (and him!) and also half my size. She's stunning, I can't deny that and he has told her so multiple times.

I haven't said anything to him yet. I have no idea what to do. It's obvious that he's checked out of our marriage and seems to be completely obsessed with this woman.

I think I'm in denial at the moment. Or shock. What am I meant to do now? We have a 1 year old son too.

OP posts:
happyjack12 · 17/12/2020 20:17

oh I'm so sorry you are going through this.
can you send yourself/ screen shot the messages so he can't deny/delete?
Then you can take your time and ask him about it when you feel ready,
good luck

HopeAndDriftWood · 17/12/2020 20:21

What you do next is up to you.

Lots of people here will tell you their views, but you have to do what feels right for you.

Do you want to stay with him? Would you ever be able to trust him again?
Do you want him to leave?

He doesn’t know that you know yet, so you can think about it a bit - although it may be worth bearing in mind that if he’s noticeably checked out and obsessed with her, he may not want to stay even if you can forgive him. And you should attempt to compete with her at all; because tempting as it is, it’s a hollow victory.

I am so, so sorry Flowers

Winterwoollies · 17/12/2020 20:25

Get screen grabs of all of the messages and start to make your plans once you have secured your evidence.

user1493413286 · 17/12/2020 20:25

I’m really sorry. I wouldn’t do anything impulsive; work out what you want and then talk to him. If you don’t think you can forgive him then get your ducks in a row but if you think you could move past it then a lot depends on what he says when you talk to him.
I would try to get copies of the messages; take a picture of his screen so that you have the evidence.

Original poster
Connie667 · 17/12/2020 20:31

He's told her he she means everything to him and she has "saved" him. What the hell does that mean?

I feel so angry.

OP posts:
Nsky · 17/12/2020 20:39

You mention size, that implies you regard yourself as plus sized?
Question him, I think by saving she means involving no male others.
Take care whatever you decide

YogaMommyyyyy · 17/12/2020 20:49

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, only you know what your relationship and family life is like. However, I was in a similar position to this with a one year old and another on the way. I stayed for the sake of the children and because I thought it was a one off. I really wish I’d taken advice from others. He didn’t change. I waited another 12 years to make my decision.
Good luck with however you take this forward.

Sexnotgender · 17/12/2020 20:51

I’m so sorry. Take screenshots and take your time to think what you want. Gather any evidence you need.

Dinosaur19 · 17/12/2020 20:51

Doesn’t matter how young/stunning she is, his shitty behaviour is a reflection on him, not on you. Take all the screenshots you can do there’s no denying. Good luck OP.

2bazookas · 17/12/2020 20:52

Since you've got his phone why don't you send a message to her , "from him", saying " You crazy bitch to tell my wife and hurt her so. I wish I'd never set eyes on you; never contact me again you slut".

Then say nothing to him. Let him stew.

Runmybathforme · 17/12/2020 20:52

For me, this would end the marriage. Take screenshots of everything, get your finances sorted, then try and have a calm conversation. Perhaps you can can get past this, I couldn’t.

LilyLongJohn · 17/12/2020 20:53

Take this time to get yourself up to speed with where you stand from a financial aspect and houses etc. Get copies of all important paperwork too. I'd get legal advice on this

Are you working, financially stable, is the house mortgaged etc?

Sounds like he's check out if the marriage and is looking elsewhere. When you feel strong is kick him out.

CattyP89 · 17/12/2020 20:54

@ HopeAndDriftWood best advice, you have to do what’s right for you and as people have said a good idea to get screen shots. Only you know your marriage and him only you can decide. Wishing you all the best

BlueSuffragette · 17/12/2020 20:54

Try and take photos on your phone of the messages. Get your ducks in a row and do not have unprotected sex with him. He is having an affair and has checked out of your marriage. When you gave gathered all relevant info about finances and pensions etc then and only then talk to him about it. If he chooses her then you can get divorced and use the info to get the best settlement for you and your child. If he chooses you then you and that's what you want and can forgive him then maybe you could get couples counselling. Take care of yourself. X

RainbowRaine · 17/12/2020 20:55

I would message and say "My wife has just found out about us, What do I tell her?"

DeathinparadiseNo1fan · 17/12/2020 20:58

Oh no! I am so sorry you are going through this. DEFFO send you self some screen shot. Remember to take your time with this and only question him when YOU are ready.

Best of luck. Flowers

CrotchBurn · 17/12/2020 20:58

What was the messaging app? Was she the only conversation on it?

Standrewsschool · 17/12/2020 20:58

Is there any other incriminating evidence? Is it an emotional affair? Do you know. Where he met her?

Barbarabauble · 17/12/2020 20:59

Okay, think practicalities before action. Ducks in a row. What this means is:

Check out where you're both at re pensions, job security
Check out any gaps in state pension and start to fill in
Get shares info; life insurances, marriage (if applicable) certificate
Get bank a/c nos; savings a/ac
Start saving money
Know how to freeze joint accounts
If he's committed adultery and you wang to split, start divorce proceedings asap. Their guilt fades the longer you wait resulting in a potentially less favourable financial settlement

windmill4865 · 17/12/2020 20:59

So sorry for this OP. So, set your stall out.. Screen shot evidence etc. I would confront - mentioning that you know he has checked out on the marriage and mention things that only they know (to freak him out). But don't let on what you ACTUALLY know. Then you must decide. It (98%) wont last between them. He will probably leave you.. and beg for your forgiveness in maybe 6 weeks or so.. realizing what a stupid "mistake" he has made. Then you have a hard decision - which is yours alone. Hard going for a while but he wont be the first man to make a prick of himself - or the last. I would love to give you a full guarantee that this is the case but sadly I can't. But I would put a substantial amount of money on it and I am not a gambler !.. Wishing you well. Stay strong. Play a hand. Sending love x

2020iscancelled · 17/12/2020 21:00

I read this and my heart is breaking for you and I thought “fuck I couldn’t cope” and then I remembered my ex did this to me a decade ago!!!

I found a phone bill (thats how long ago it was) with lots of txt to the same number (pre WhatsApp etc) and photos messages. I knew hed checked out, as you call it but this confirmed what I think I knew.

I kicked him out, within a month he was begging for us to work things out. I couldn’t, I had lost all my respect from that moment. I still loved him and felt absolutely devastated to lose my dreams for future but once that respect and trust has gone, for me it’s not salvageable.
I moved on, found a beautiful new relationship- that one didn’t work out but then I met my gorgeous partner now and I’m so happy.
The anger, hurt and heartbreak doesn’t last forever.

But - that’s not to say everyone feels that way. Some people can salvage relationships if they both want it.

You need to understand where his head is at and his reaction is most likely going to dictate what you’ll do next. I hope he doesn’t deny and gaslight, in a way that is more hurtful than the betrayal.

Good luck Flowers

NoEffingWay · 17/12/2020 21:02

Good luck OP.
For me, this would be the end of a marriage but I am not you.

Sassysally12 · 17/12/2020 21:04

Oh OP how horrible for
You. I agree with PP, screen abit everything and send it to yourself. I’m guessing it’s WhatsApp? You can click the phone button on there too and it will show you call and video call records too. Here for you xx

Zilla1 · 17/12/2020 21:06

I'm sorry, OP. People can be so flawed sometimes. Regarding the 'saving him', try not to hurt yourself by reading into or trying to understand anything he says. With no knowledge at all, I suspect he'd probably say anything that would ingratiate him into her or create a legend that won't make him sound terrible.

I've few suggestions, except to take your time and try not to blame yourself.

Good luck.

Pinkyxx · 17/12/2020 21:10

I remember well being here... He left after 3 miserable years of denying the affair, picking arguments, disappearing for days on end and making our lives an absolute misery.

Insisting I was ''imaging things'' and trying to 'sabotage' our marriage was the worst part... I now know why he had a pin code on his phone...

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