Found secret messages on DH phone

[Connie667]

My DH has been acting odd for a while. Distant and always on his phone.

I've never done this before but when he left his phone on the side earlier (which he never does) I looked at it.

There was a messaging app which I've never seen before and I found messages between him and someone saved as "DB" without a profile picture.

The messages date back months. They've sent pictures to each other and he's been asking to meet up with her.

From what I can gather from the pictures she's sent him, she's at least 10 years younger than me (and him!) and also half my size. She's stunning, I can't deny that and he has told her so multiple times.

I haven't said anything to him yet. I have no idea what to do. It's obvious that he's checked out of our marriage and seems to be completely obsessed with this woman.

I think I'm in denial at the moment. Or shock. What am I meant to do now? We have a 1 year old son too.

This is all wechat

sg.news.yahoo.com/scammers-target-chinese-lonely-hearts-121058451.html

I watched a couple of blokes on YouTube who lived in China for years and married Chinese women, I've seen them warn about scammers posing and young stunning women on free dating sites and then encouraging the blokes to switch to wechat and they message the men and get them to send them money we chat pay

I've also seen videos warning about young women (or people posing as young women) operating Chinese crypto currency scams using we chat too.

They make men think they are interested sexually in them and over time build trust and send photos and shit and then start with the crypto currency shit or "I can't meet you yet, I need to earn enough to pay my sisters medical bills first" etc

I'd be checking banking for suss transactions.

Either way, he thinks it's a real person and he's trying to be cheat on you. You deserve better even if it does turn out to be a scam. He doesn't know that and his intentions are clear.

Here's one of the vids I've seen. Does she she has her own beauty or clothing company by any chance?

I would be tempted to screen shot the messages and save them but then block her from his wechat without saying anything.

WeChat isn't a scamming app on an app full of scammers as a PP said. It is literally the exact same as WhatsApp, but used in China - it is absolutely HUGE in China and everyone has an account (you can use it to pay for things and order taxis/food/cinema/bus tickets - everything, so even people who wouldn't usually use a chatting app will use it - even elderly people will have a phone and a WeChat!) It can't be dismissed as any kind of scamming app as it simply isn't, and you are no more likely to find scammers on WeChat than you are on WhatsApp ... I think there is a bit of racism in that statement (Asian women trying to con white men sort of racism . I'm saying this, OP, just because I think that your husband being the victim of a scam is quite different to him knowingly participating in a relationship. What is the nature of his work? If he has any international connections this could be how they met - or more likely she could have friends or family who are Chinese or expats in China and so has the app and urged him to download it.

I would advise you to screenshot everything, but I wojld also be tempted to make my own WeChat account and add her (if you click on the three dots in the top right hand corner of their chat, you will see her profile picture at the top of a list of options, and if you click that, you will see her WeChat ID - you can use that to add her. I'd be inclined to add her personally - i'm not sure exactly what I would do once I had - but if you do want to, that's how you can. Do you think she knows about you?

OP, when this was happening to me I confronted him immediately. I found two bank cards in their names with a joint account. Do not mention you think this is a scam. He is engaged in something stupid and sordid. It's such a difficult time but for your own sanity confront him now and tell him he needs to leave. If he stays just grey rock him. Do not let him in in any way until you absolutely have the truth. Then you can make your decision. But he will lie. He will bamboozle. And he will do anything he can to get out of this. But he is not the man you thought he was. The sooner you accept that the sooner you can start to mentally heal.

My ex went off with an older woman who was nice. Apparently I argued with him over the slightest thing and made his life a misery. Do not blame yourself. This woman is not someone you should be comparing yourself against.

Keep posting here. You'll find so much support. Much love to you. It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced but you will come out the other side. I promise.

Sorry you are going through this. Some men are such pathetic bastards. I hope he loses everything and you go on to be happy without him.

Thanks so much everyone. I really appreciate it. I am going to have to try and get his phone again. I need to get evidence.

Someone suggested reverse image searching - how do I do that - just on google?

If they have been chatting for months but he keeps asking to meet up with her, then doesn't that mean that they have never met??

So he is living in fantasy land. Presumably because like many weak men he can't cope with the reality of life which is marriage and a young child. Pathetic.

So he's putting all his thoughts and energy into this woman he's never met and neglecting you and his child. Awful.

I would hope that if you challenged him about this that he would die with embarrassment. Trouble is, you could never trust him again. What an idiot.

It sounds weird that he's been asking to meet her but still hasn't. In the messages does she say where she lives? How do the messages first begin, ie does it give a clue as to how they connected? Also weird she has no profile pic but has sent photos.

Definitely get photos ASAP as the bare minimum step. Just use your own phone to take photos of the messages so that nothing gets left in his photos or on his phone showing you snooped or screenshotted.

And definitely get your finances sorted and ringfence some money in an account before he is alerted. Try to get a free consultation with a solicitor so you know your options.

To be honest unless the evidence is needed for divorce proceedings I wouldn't go to.too much trouble to get it. For me the fact that I have seen it is enough. No amount of being told that I'm mad, imagining things, blowing it out of proportion etc would change a thing. You know what you saw, you don't need to prove to him that you saw it.

Does he ever go to China on business? Cant think why else he would use Wechat

@CrotchBurn

Does he ever go to China on business? Cant think why else he would use Wechat

I remember a friends boyfriend would ask the girl he was messaging behind her back to use Viber and not WhatsApp. It's just another place to have a conversation that maybe your partner wouldn't know you had the app if you don't talk on it.

Could you check your bank accounts to see if he’s been sending money to her ? Then you’ll know the dumb fuck has been scammed which is no less than he deserves .

Get all your finances sorted. Seek legal advice. You want to be financially as secure as possible. Get a hold of his phone Abd as others have said take screenshots. Then once you know how secure you are legally avd financially see if you can get hold of his phone and write a message like ‘I’m coming to live with you. I’ve left my wife. I’m destitute so hopefully you can look after me til I get new employment. Tell me where to meet you’ or what you can do is get a fake profile and contact her to see if you can get any info that way. Be one step ahead of him at all times

I've used WeChat for years - for work - and have never been scammed by anyone

Its just another chat app that is probably easier to hide away as no one generally has heard of it. It's easy to download so its probably the perfect app to chat away on without raising too much suspicion as he no doubt uses it only to speak to this woman

Def take screenshots OP. Sorry this is happening to you

Dont really give a monkeys if you think its racist tbf. Its a fact its bursting at the seams with scammers.

yeah theres a few reverse image search platforms but if you go to google and just type 'google reverse image' it should be the first result and its all pretty self-explanatory

I talk to a lot of people in different countries to do with work or language exchange stuff and they often ask you to go to different platforms which they prefer like Telegram. If its not too much hassle i'll download it. Sounds like hes done that here.

I managed to get his phone again. I messed up though and had to pretend that I'd picked his phone up instead of mine. I don't think he believed me, but I'm almost past caring.

Apparently he's in love with her.

She's a real person, I managed to find out some more details about her and I've looked her up. I don't know if that's worse or not right now if I'm honest.

He's told her all about our marriage and how I'm so awful to him, never give him any attention/ sex and she is his perfect/ ideal/ ultimate woman who he thinks about all the time. He wishes he could be with her and he's said things to her he's never said to me before. It's like a different person.

She seems to be reciprocating this but not on the same level. He's obsessed with her. They've spoken on the phone and on video call too, many times.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting this here, I just need to get it out.

Can you go to anyone’s for Christmas? Not with him, dont mention it, just pack car with you and baby and go for a few days? Message him when you get there. Or the next day.

I could do that, I think.

So sorry op do you have any one in rl to talk to

@ timeisnotaline I agree. Pack and leave for a few days. You need space and to process this all. I’m so sorry sometimes men thin is women go back to what we were before once we’ve had a baby they don’t realise the changes this can bring and if he’s complaining about lack of sex and attention it suggests this may just be an infatuation. Whatever it is you deserve better.