Found secret messages on DH phone

[Connie667]

My DH has been acting odd for a while. Distant and always on his phone.

I've never done this before but when he left his phone on the side earlier (which he never does) I looked at it.

There was a messaging app which I've never seen before and I found messages between him and someone saved as "DB" without a profile picture.

The messages date back months. They've sent pictures to each other and he's been asking to meet up with her.

From what I can gather from the pictures she's sent him, she's at least 10 years younger than me (and him!) and also half my size. She's stunning, I can't deny that and he has told her so multiple times.

I haven't said anything to him yet. I have no idea what to do. It's obvious that he's checked out of our marriage and seems to be completely obsessed with this woman.

I think I'm in denial at the moment. Or shock. What am I meant to do now? We have a 1 year old son too.

So sorry you are going through this, op, do look after yourself and try to get some rl support too.

Screen shot what you can for now

Screen shot what you can for now

Oh OP I'm so sorry. Jut at do whatever you need to do at your pace and vent here if you need to xx

Screen shot what you can
Photocopy financials
Get prepped.
Get him out.

In that order.

I'm sorry you are going through this

@MrsLighthouse

He has you and a baby so this is a shi*ty thing to do. He will only be sorry because he got caught and you deserve better. I’d be inclined to message her and say “ l’m his wife and mother of his child . You’ve contributed to the breakdown of a marriage and a child growing up without his dad . Happy now ?”

Why shame the woman and not the husband?

Think carefully here, you need to sorr your finances out first. Don't leave him in a position where he has the upper hand. Get some advice from a professional.

Personally l wouldn't be leaving, l would ask him to leave if you need space. You need consistency for your little one and he might block you from coming back as he clearly isn't thinking straight.

Sorry you are going through this

I wouldn't obsess about getting evidence/screen shots. You've seen them with your own eyes and with enough context that you know what you have seen.

Sadly a lot of men don't adjust to parenthood and not being the most important person in a household. You haven't done anything wrong - taking care of a small baby is hard. Having a baby is hard on your body.

It seems like he has not met her but it doesn't really matter, does it? His behaviour is terrible regardless.

I would arrange to go and stay with your family or friends for Xmas. Tell him you have found his messages and that you don't want to hear from him until after Xmas. Give yourself some time to think.

Do you have a job to to back to?

Im so sorry your going through this. I was thinking about you today and what I would do. I dont think I would have your restraint and have to tell him but I think staying calm and getting yourself in a position to challenge him when the times right for you is the better option. Have you spoken to your family, I hope you have some RL support. I went through a relationship hearbreak and told my DSIS and she rang him up and called him a bastard so the option to hold back wasnt there for me as she was so incensed. Always here if you want a chat or just to let things out.

@Connie667

I could do that, I think.

Have you got close family/friends I hate to think you’ll have to face this alone whatever you choose to do when the time is right for you?

I'm so sorry. The shock of being blindsided like this is unbearable. I feel for you so much Just keep remembering that the bull shit he has fed her is his problem. Shows him as the weak man he is. You are worth so,much more.

I wouldnt leave my home, particularly as primary childcarer. The reason for screenshots is so that the financial position at a point in time cant be questioned. Over time it becomes harder to remember

How dare he make a mockery of you and the baby.

I would tell him immediately that you know he is a faithless liar and cheat. I wouldn’t give him the opportunity to gaslight and shift the blame for his unethical choices. I would tell him to leave as a consequence while YOU consider what is best for you and the baby.

I don't think it matters if it is a scam or if he hasn't even met her. He's having an emotional affair. Get your financial stuff in order and ask him to leave. You can drive yourself crazy trying to play detective and to get one over on him. Theres no need. Focus on what's important and that is probably confronting him and moving forward.

Don't spend Christmas stuck with him. Make sure you are with people who support you. It will give you some space to decide what you want and make plans.

I'm in the UK and use We chat as do a lot of my family and friends, downloaded it once years back when WhatsApp was down and much prefer it

Have you told anyone in RL? This is a lot to deal with on your own.

Oh what a shitbag! I'm so sorry OP

Sorry you are going through this OP have you decided how you might confront him about it?

What a fucking shit bag. Why does OP need to leave? Let him go, he’s the one who is soooo unhappy.

you shold take pics of as much conversati0on as you can for proof or he'll just delete it and deny in a divroce case

Sorry OP, how horrible he is

I confronted him.

I thought he would be in denial and try to fix everything.

He couldn't give a shit. He loves her and wants to be with her. I hope it is a scam!!!!

I hope it's a scam too, OP.

I don't know how he can love someone he's never met. Apparently he does though.

I'm beyond angry.

Our whole relationship feels like a joke. How can one woman completely change everything. A woman that he's never met! What's so special about her?